


Breaking Out

by thedeadflag



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Hockey, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Eventual Romance, F/F, Friendship/Love, Romance, Sex Work
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-18
Updated: 2017-02-12
Packaged: 2018-04-15 09:46:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 162,807
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4602120
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thedeadflag/pseuds/thedeadflag
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A cross town rivalry between two college hockey teams is made more tense when Octavia starts dating the rival team captain's brother, and both Clarke and Lexa rediscover their past rivalry from their days in Virginia. Raven Reyes becoming enamored with Anya doesn't really help matters, either.</p><p>Eventual Clexa, MamaBear!Anya, Eventual Clanya OTF (one true friendship), Eventual Anya/Raven. Established Linctavia. CollegeHockey!AU, plus occasional elements of sex work .</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

"I'm in love!" Octavia cheered from the entrance of their dorm room, leaning against the newly shut door with a brilliant, albeit ridiculous smile on her face. Clarke let out a long breath as she bookmarked her page in her Organic Chemistry textbook and sat back in bed, eyes raking her roommate in a thorough assessment.

She let out a snort.

"No you're not." Clarke spoke, raising an eyebrow in skepticism as Octavia predictably sputtered in defiance. The blonde lifted a hand to point at the girl's to-go coffee cup, the one Octavia was nearly gripping hard enough for it to explode. "Just because the barista got your order right again, doesn't mean you're in love, O."

Clarke watched Octavia's expression shift into an annoyed pout. "Hey, fuck you, too, Clarke. Those amateurs getting my order right is a goddamn miracle, and I'm allowed to celebrate it." Octavia argued, which Clarke was alright with conceding. The coffee shop closest to their dorm really WAS atrocious enough to celebrate when they did anything remotely decently. "Still, I'm not talking about that. They forgot my caramel this time."

"Okay, then. Pray tell, O, what are you in love with? The cinnamon buns from Gloria down the hall, like three days ago? The cinnamon flavoured popcorn that Raven showed you how to make a week and a half ago? My expert massage skills that I showed you a month ago?" Clarke asked, her list just starting when Octavia marched over to her and pushed at her shoulder. In truth, maybe she deserved that, but Octavia had a tendency to throw the L word around about anything she remotely enjoyed, and Clarke could have listed at least two dozen more instances off the top of her head.

"Would you just...stop hassling me and let me have this!" Octavia blurted out, and okay, Clarke could tell that this was maybe a little more serious than usual, even if Octavia HAD swooned over coffee, fabric softener, and cronuts in the past.

Feeling a little hesitant at teasing her friend with how frustrated and pouty the other girl was, Clarke gave a slow nod. "Sorry, O. Why don't we start over?" She asked, patting the space beside her on the bed.

Octavia took a few deep breaths, calming down from her annoyance, before dramatically flopping onto Clarke's bed, and Clarke's lower body. "I'm in love!"

Clarke let out a low chuckle, shaking her head at her roommate's ridiculousness. "And what's managed to steal the heart of my valiant roommate?" She asked, curious to know what it was this time that had managed to ensnare the affections of her goofball friend.

"Lincoln." The one word reply, complete in breathless awe, only served to confuse the hell out of Clarke.

"Like, the car? I mean, they're nice, and all, but..." Clarke started, only for Octavia to practically somersault her way to sitting on Clarke's chest, evacuating the air out of the blonde's lungs momentarily.

"Not the cars, you idiot! Lincoln! The guy!" Octavia's exasperation was nearing peak levels, and Clarke still found herself drawing blanks.

Clarke stared up at the brunette warily, trying to buy herself as much time as she could, the cogs in her brain working to find some reasonable answer. Sadly, she had nothing. "A...Abraham?"

Octavia's head was thrown back in a feral yell, her hands clutching hard at Clarke's sweater. "Lincoln! Lincoln Pine! Tall, dark, and handsome?! Got tattoos up his...oh, right. Shit." Octavia' heady anger swiftly dissipated as the girl's cheeks reddened, words nor body language providing Clarke with any clue as to what Octavia was talking about. "I forgot you stayed home to rest last Thursday night instead of partying it up with me. My bad, Clarke."

Octavia sheepishly patted Clarke's shoulder and straightened her sweater out, the brunette shifting away to sit alongside Clarke instead of atop her.

It was a nice change, and definitely good that O wasn't angry or frustrated anymore, but Clarke couldn't help but still be a little confused. "I want to say that I'm happy for you first, because I totally am, O."

Octavia shot her a thankful smile and finished settling in alongside her, the brunette's efforts shifting the pillow over far enough for O to more or less hog it. "I'm sensing a 'but' here."

Clarke nodded and let out a sigh, hoping she wouldn't upset her friend. "But seven weeks ago, you told me romantic love was, and I quote 'fucking junk-ass shit', and that the only man in your life you had love for was your brother." Clarke stated, bracing herself a little for any potential impact, feeling altogether relieved with Octavia just shrugged.

"Yeah, I guess I can admit I was wrong. Lincoln was hot enough to get me to consider it, and amazing enough to change my mind." Octavia noted happily, staring off into space with dreamy eyes for a moment before shifting her attention sharply to Clarke. "You should totally meet him, you'd get along great! He's an artist, you know? So you guys are probably on the same weird wavelength or something."

Clarke laughed and rolled her eyes. "You realize that 'artist' is a pretty broad category? But yeah, I'm sure I'll like him just fine, O, so long as he treats you well." Clarke spoke, all too happy to reassure Octavia that the new man in her life wouldn't be treated with outright hostility. In truth, she'd do her best to sneakily vet him, but O was usually a great judge of character, so she wasn't too worried.

"Oh he does." Octavia said with a laugh, shooting Clarke a saucy wink that brought images flashing into her mind. Images she'd rather not think about, given O was her closest friend there in Boston. At the blonde's grossed out shuddering, Octavia gave her shoulder a smack. "Hey, cut that crap out, unless you want me giving you hell when YOU stumble into a relationship."

"Duly noted, O. But you know I'm not looking for anything right now, anyways. My schedule's already packed." Clarke retorted, deciding to just pre-emptively shut down any chance of Octavia trying to hook her up on blind dates.

Fact is, Clarke's schedule truly was full. She had a full courseload of classes, and college hockey on top of that, which included practices, watching tape, working out daily, and the one or two games a week they'd have scheduled. Being from out of state, and not the biggest name recruit, she wasn't exactly on a full ride, either; Boston College wasn't anywhere near affordable even with a number of scholarships and bursaries, and her mother wasn't willing to help her out until she was in med school and fully committed to being a doctor. And so, with classes and hockey taking up the lion's share of her time, she still had to work. With such a full schedule during both days and nights, that left little time for any job with a strict schedule. She made ends meet, but it wasn't exactly traditional. And it left no doubt in her mind that dating was simply out of the question.

"Yeah, yeah, I know. Anyway, I'm thinking we can head out this weekend and meet him at a party Raven's throwing?" Octavia asked, and while Clarke imagined her weekend would have been busy without squeezing in time for a party, she couldn't deny Octavia this, so she offered a nod. "Great! It'll be fun, I swear! Just..."

Clarke watched Octavia closely, as the girl subtly began showing signs of nervousness, something clearly on the girl's mind. "It's just...what, O?"

"It's just that there might be a tiny little complication. Microscopic, you know?" Octavia asked rhetorically, though Clarke was fairly sure the brunette was playing down the magnitude of this mysterious complication.

Clarke decided to take a guess, figuring that O tended to get nervous when asking her for a ride around town. "What, he lives off campus, and out of town or something?"

Octavia let out a nervous laugh and averted her gaze to the ceiling. "He does live off campus, yeah. He's a junior at NU." Octavia let out, growing visibly more nervous as her words took on added hesitance. "And his sister's Anya Pine, captain of Northeastern's hockey team."

Clarke nearly fell out of her bed, rolling away from Octavia in shock, staggering to her feet at her bedside as she stared owlishly at her roommate. "What?!" She yelled out, absolutely mindfucked that Octavia was dating someone related to Anya fucking Pine. The NU senior who had absolutely feasted on BC during her tenure. The woman who had a frightening reputation, one she had lived up to last year after a rumoured, but more or less confirmed to be true bar brawl. BC had lost to NU in the Hockey East championship game, and when some players on the team approached Anya at the bar looking for a fight, it's said that the woman took down four of them on her own.

In short, Anya was a very scary woman. Clarke, being a freshman, had never had the opportunity to play against the captain of NU, but she'd kept tabs on the hockey scene enough to know who to tread carefully around, and Anya Pine was most certainly at the top of that list.

"I'm dating Anya's brother?" Octavia answered with a wince, recoiling slightly as Clarke leaned over her bed and took hold of Octavia's shoulder.

"Are you trying to get yourself killed?" Clarke asked, incredulous that Octavia decided that dating public enemy number one's brother was the best way to break into the dating scene. "Scratch that, never mind. I'm going to that party with you, and I'll keep her from tearing out your throat."

Octavia mouth curled into a bright, teasing smile. "Aww, Princess is gonna save me from the big bad wolf." The girl noted with far more amusement than Clarke thought was reasonable, her quirked eyebrow quickly toning down O's teasing. "Alright, alright. I'm just happy you're coming along, but it wouldn't be too bad having someone watch my back in case I piss Anya off. I've only bumped into her once, and Lincoln ran interference...I don't think she'll put up with that again."

Clarke let out a sigh and settled back down onto her bed, deciding that as stressful as this party thing was, that it was at least two days away. She had time to plan and prepare. She could panic later; for now, Clarke was sure Octavia could use more reassurance.

"I'm sure we'll be just fine. I'm happy for you, O." Clarke noted softly as she turned onto her side to face her friend, who still looked more than a little worried about it all. "If you and Lincoln make each other happy, Anya will come around, I'm sure. Now...why don't you tell me a little about him?"

Octavia hummed happily and scooted over, all too willing to distract herself with all things Lincoln, it seemed. The party invite could end up a disaster, but Clarke knew that she'd endure whatever social gauntlet necessary to keep her friend smiling like she was.

* * *

The vast majority of times, Lexa enjoyed having Anya as her roommate. Her older cousin was quiet, punctual, respectful, kept their space tidy, and was generally nice to have around.

Sadly, today was not one of those times. Another growl from Anya's side of the dorm room brought Lexa's attention to her cousin again, the older girl staring off toward their doorway, teeth bared and brow furrowed in anger. Ever since Anya had returned in a stormy mood about five minutes ago, her cousin's fury had bloomed to what Lexa could only predict were near-homicidal levels.

"Are you going to tell me why you're angry, or should I call animal control? Because you're almost foaming at the mouth, Anya." Lexa deadpanned, averting her eyes from her cousin back to the textbook she'd been studying.

"He has his own home, why is he going to some sky crew party?" Anya seethed, fists clenching and falling slack in repetition. "His stupid new girlfriend's going to be surrounded."

Lexa couldn't help but chuckle at Anya's hopes of an inquisition being dashed. "Just because Lincoln played along with your wishes with his last few girlfriends, doesn't mean he's always going to let you corner and threaten her within an inch of her life." She replied, leaving silent the assertion that maybe Anya's aggression and fear-inducing tactics had been the reason for Lincoln's short-lived relationships in the past. Her cousin was very intimidating when she wanted to be.

Anya let out another growl before her face smoothed out into that eerie calm her cousin would get when she'd concocted a nefarious plan. Lexa had a bad feeling about this. "The party will be a mess, but if you come along, then maybe I'll have a chance to get my claws in her."

"Lincoln can handle himself. He's only a year younger than you, Anya." Lexa said, daring to match her cousin's steely, determined gaze.

"He's still my little brother." Anya griped, her frustration losing none of its steam, even if it was clear enough that Lexa's point had been made.

"He can take care of himself enough to figure out who makes him happy. You don't need to corner the girl right now, you can wait a while." Lexa argued, earning an angry huff from her cousin, who lifted her arms in clear annoyance.

"Do you not want to scope out your competition? The girl Lincoln wants to date is on the Eagles. We'll be playing them in a few days." Anya's argument was slightly compelling, but it still made for a less appealing alternative to staying home, where she could finish studying and then play some Endless Legend for the rest of the night.

It wasn't that Lexa hated parties. She honestly liked them well enough, just not when Anya would shoehorn her into running interference so that her older cousin could harass her younger cousin's date. Lincoln was old enough to make his own decisions, he didn't need their help in securing a good date, or a girlfriend.

And Lexa did not need to see her conference rivals in a social setting to better understand what she would be up against.

"It's irrelevant. We play them at home, we hold every advantage. There's no reason to believe we'll leave that game without a win." Lexa stated with confidence; Anya might be her captain on the team, but it didn't mean he cousin's personal politics wouldn't impact her decisions. Like asking Lexa to attend a social gathering for a primary purpose of giving Anya what she wanted, while potentially catching a glimpse of some sky crew players.

"Arrogance is dangerous, Lexa." Anya warned, but Lexa just flopped back onto her bed and sighed, not having wanted to get into it.

"Our roster is largely full of juniors and seniors, the same players who won the conference last year. All down our roster, our centers are fantastic in the faceoff circle, and we're among the fastest and best conditioned in the league. We play a possession-heavy game and come out in the top ten in most advanced possession statistics. We average nearly a goal and a half per game more than the next highest scoring team in our conference, almost two more than Boston College." Lexa explained carefully, giving Anya the respect to be calm and clear with her instead of brushing off her captain and cousin's concerns. "The Eagles, in contrast, lost most of their roster last year from graduation, leaving them with a lot of raw freshmen. They won't win in the faceoff circle, and they won't be seasoned or disciplined enough to disrupt our possessions. They'll make mistakes, get frustrated, and we'll prey on that. They're a strong defensive team, but so long as we control the pace and remain disciplined, they'll give us enough chances to put it away."

Anya let out a scoff, adjusting herself on the other bed so she was sitting facing Lexa. "We beat them last year, but there's no chance that they haven't spent all summer gameplanning for us. They might be green, but they'll be ready. Their top line always matched up well against mine. Even adding you as the league's leading scorer doesn't change that we'll be dealing with three very smart forwards, and two of the most mobile defensive pairings in the league over a third of the time we'll be on the ice."

"Unless they bring something unexpected to the table, I won't worry. I believe in our team, Anya. I know you do too, so will you stop trying to goad me into going to that party with you because of hockey, of all things? I'm not worried about hockey. I'm not worried about Lincoln." Lexa said calmly, only stating the truth as she saw it.

Lincoln was perfectly capable of finding someone who fit with him, and apparently this Octavia girl did. If so, good for him, he deserved to be happy, even if it was while dating someone she would likely thrash on the ice during their games. Lexa was hardly one to brag, but she was intensely confident in her ability to dominate in her favourite sport; she had at every level she'd competed at so far, and her twenty-three points in nine games in college did nothing to make her believe otherwise. It helped having a playmaker as amazing as Anya on her wing as well, so no, she was not worried at all about the Boston College Eagles.

"Ugh, fine. But you will accompany me to a party one time or another before this semester is over, Lexa. And you will have to meet Lincoln's date sooner or later." Anya stated firmly, Lexa nodding in kind given she was quite well aware of her cousins' wishes for her. Lincoln would want her to meet the new girl in his life, and Anya would want to eventually spend an evening or two together.

She wasn't opposed to either, she just wasn't up for being weaponized to make someone else's life uncomfortable just because Anya wanted to assess the character of Lincoln's date.

"I'm quite aware of that, and not opposed. But not this time." Lexa noted with a wry smirk, a little amused at Anya's situation. A mama bear whose cubs are being difficult was an unenviable position to be in, she imagined. Still, as much as she loved her cousin, as much as she loved how Anya had always been there for her, the girl could go a little overboard sometimes. About fifty percent of those cases were kind of wonderful, but the other half often had Anya overwhelmingly protective in defense of them, and it made her cousin difficult to handle.

She didn't envy anyone that would be attending that party.

* * *

Clarke felt particularly accomplished as she loitered in Raven's living room, surrounded by members of her hockey team, a few dozen BC students, and one seething mad Anya Pine. To be honest, it was a little difficult to let loose with the older girl hovering around, but being able to hang out with some of her teammates, and just have a few hours of half-decent relaxation, made for a nice enough time.

She and Octavia had made it to Raven's a half hour early to meet up with Raven and Lincoln; the prospective boyfriend had made a good impression. He was nice, polite, well-groomed enough, and straddled the line between doting on Octavia and encouraging her roommate's independence and will. It also didn't hurt that he complimented her artwork, which O had apparently smuggled out sometime or another, to Clarke's surprise. Hey, nothing wrong with some appreciation sometimes.

They'd quickly ushered the new couple off into the downstairs apartment a few minutes before Anya had arrived; Raven's family owned the building, her living in the upstairs half, while the girl's aunt lived downstairs. Given Raven's aunt was away on a cruise, it gave Octavia and Lincoln a nice place to spend some time together, a plan she'd concocted with Raven's help to put Anya on her heels. Clarke had been briefed about Anya's tendency to interrogate the guy's prospective girlfriends, and the blonde had it in mind to flip the tables on the older girl.

And so, she watched and waited; sure, she socialized with friends as the minutes passed, and that was a nice change of pace given her typically busy schedule, but she'd been requested to the party for a singular reason: helping Octavia survive Anya. It was only a matter of time before the inevitable confrontation, and while she was certain Octavia was enjoying herself alone with Lincoln, O was very much a lover of parties, and wouldn't want to miss an entire one.

It was around eleven when Anya finally got around to actively searching for her brother, not needing long at all to figure out he wasn't there. Which led to a few angry attempts at phonecalls, followed by those furious eyes glancing up from the third dial to voicemail, scanning through the crowd to pierce Clarke's watchful gaze.

Finally having the older girl's attention, Clarke turned and made her way out to Raven's balcony; it was a little dingy, and small as hell with the table and two chairs taking up most of the space, but it would fit two people. She set up in one of the chairs and waited, Anya marching out onto the balcony seconds later, molten fury swirling in her eyes.

Truth be told, Clarke was fifty percent determined to shake off the nervous jitters and protect Octavia, and fifty percent scared shitless. Her usual mental coinflip had her siding with her people, the edge in favour of protecting O, but it wasn't a decision without a little trepidation. Anya WAS damn scary.

"Why don't you have a seat?" Clarke offered as calmly and politely as she could muster, given the circumstances, hoping that Anya would be diplomatic.

Those hopes were dashed when the older girl stepped into her space, planted hands on Clarke's armrests as she leaned forward, noses nearly touching. "Why don't you tell me where my brother is before you truly make an enemy of me tonight?"

Clarke took stock of the person invading her space, sharing her breath, staring her down. From afar, across the living room, Anya had this aura about her of authority, drawn from her natural intensity. But up close, while that intensity was incredibly visible across every damn feature on Anya's face, she couldn't deny that the woman was strikingly gorgeous. Which, of course, made her situation a little more awkward; favoring women sometimes put her in messy situations like this. That her breath smelled like lemon drops was just a total bonus.

Clarke nodded and held the angry woman's gaze. "You'll see him soon, I'm sure. And my roommate, Octavia, too." She noted quietly, trying to go for a soft-spoken confidence, sticking hard to her promise to O that she'd be diplomatic and not aggressive to match Anya. "I think we both want the same thing, Anya."

"And what is that?" Anya snarled in return, punctuating each word harshly, looking as if she were a few seconds away from feasting on her.

"Our people's happiness." Clarke shot back right away, her response relaxing Anya's features a smidgen, but it was enough to know she'd gotten through. Clarke had heard the stories of Anya, and had come to the conclusion that the girl was very protective of her teammates, and certainly of her family. Asserting a sort of common ground seemed to be Clarke's best opening move. "I want Octavia to be happy, she's important to me. You want Lincoln to be happy, because he's your brother, and you love him. I don't see why we can't find a good approach to this."

Anya let out a scoff, but stepped out of Clarke's space, seating herself atop the table. It was a clear move to appear taller and more powerful, and manipulate Clarke's responses, but she'd largely expected that. One of Anya's booted feet planting down on the nearest armrest only added to the woman's intimidation tactics.

"Let's get this straight...you NEED me. Lincoln is an eligible bachelor, and he's loyal to his family. I might frustrate him, but if I scare his dates away, he doesn't chase them. If your roommate can't handle a few questions from me, I don't see why she'd deserve a compromise from me. Lincoln deserves the best, not a scared little girl." Anya ranted with pointed hostility, clearly having made up her mind, at least somewhat, about Octavia.

That didn't settle well with Clarke, but Octavia's voice asking for diplomacy rattled around in her head. It was enough to keep her from biting back, at least. Not that Octavia would have been diplomatic; the girl regularly enough shifted into 'fight me' mode, painting her roommate with a reputation for a hot temper. O was scrappy, and had asked Clarke not to be.

"I don't need you, Anya. I want you...your support, I mean." Clarke fumbled out, cursing herself internally for the slip, even if Anya probably would have understood what she'd meant without the clarification. At the very least, it hadn't earned her a punch in the face, Anya just narrowing her eyes thoughtfully at her, a hint of a smirk on her lips. "Anyway, the thing is, Octavia's hardened, she's not going to run, no matter what you do. Especially if you actually try harder than usual to get her to back off, because she'll just see that as a challenge. But family is important to her, so she'll totally understand you coming at her, to an extent. So I don't need you...she's going to be with Lincoln forever, or until they stop making sense, and being happy together."

Clarke took a breath, formulating whatever words could come to mind that might help her keep O's night lighthearted and happy instead of getting capped off by an inquisition. "I DO want you, however, to not give her shit over this. You need to trust Lincoln's judgment... needle O a bit, but don't go all-out on her. They've had a good night so far, and it'd suck if things took a turn. By all means, if O breaks his heart in the future, I'll understand if you try to crush her. But right now, they're happy together, and that's something I'm invested in."

Anya sat atop the table, staring intensely at her for long, agonizing seconds, until Clarke started to wonder whether the older girl was considering ways to mutilate her. By the frustration in her eyes, it seemed like her worries could be accurate, but eventually Anya's voice, calmer now, assuaged those fears.

"You hid them from me." The woman claimed, and Clarke could only shrug, because of course she had.

"You've done the same before, keeping Lincoln away and isolating his date. I just kept them both away so I could get you alone." Clarke said, thinking her reasoning would resonate with the older girl. Anya's subtle, reluctant tilt of her chin answered that.

"To tell me to back off." Anya said sharply, clearly not sold on what Clarke had asked of her, even if the girl's eyes told a different story.

"To ask you to give Octavia a chance. Chances are, they'll date for at least a while, and I'd like things to be comfortable for everyone involved. I don't want hostility." Clarke explained, earning a cocked eyebrow from Anya.

"You realize we're rivals...we play each other in a few days, there will be hostility then." Anya shot back quickly, which was sort of fair, but missed Clarke's point completely.

Clarke let out a sigh, one she'd been holding in for long enough to feel safe that she wouldn't be skewered over it. "Hockey's totally different. We'll meet on the ice, and the better team will win. But off the ice, I want everyone to get along. Or a truce, at least, for Lincoln and Octavia's sake. I think we can give them that."

Anya's piercing gaze was unrelenting, just boring into Clarke as seconds passed, only the muffled sounds of the party and sounds of passing cars keeping them company. Truthfully, Clarke was fairly confident she'd won the older woman over, and that Anya was calculating a way to respond that won't seem as if she was happy to concede, or anything that could be perceived as weak.

Whatever the truth was, eventually Anya let out the smallest of sighs. "If your roommate messes up, the gloves come off." Anya threatened, something Clarke could understand, knowing how protective the woman seemed to be. Not that she'd let O get close enough to Anya for any punishment to get doled out, if it came to that. "But yes. I can manage a truce of sorts."

Clarke couldn't help but smile a little in relief of the result, deciding to offer her hand to shake on the deal they'd struck. It was a little embarrassing, but not entirely unexpected when Anya just scoffed and, without even looking at Clarke's outstretched hand, scooted off the table and moved towards the door.

"You'll show me to my brother now."

Clarke pulled out her phone and sent Octavia a text, letting her roommate know she'd be downstairs with Anya in a minute or so. It was enough of a warning, she figured, and Clarke could only hope that Anya would hold up her end of the bargain and go easy on O. She didn't see the point in messing with a good thing, whether that was the good relationship Octavia and Lincoln seemed to have, or the good night she'd had so far.

Still, she guided the frustrated woman through the apartment and outside to the side entrance, to the basement apartment the new couple had been holed up in. Clarke could only hope that this relationship would work out, and would ease tensions between both friend and family groups. The last thing anyone needed was a powder keg waiting to blow.

* * *

Saturdays were usually Lexa's favourite day. Growing up, it was usually the day when she'd get to go to a park, often going on hikes with her parents, and then with her Uncle Gus and Anya after that. And when she was old enough to play hockey, that would often fill her Saturday nights. So all in all, Saturdays were excellent.

And with her in University now, they were just that much nicer, often with games early in the afternoon, giving her time to catch the sunset over at Castle Island, or at worst enjoying the Kelleher rose gardens or the Back Bay fens. Occasionally, she'd head down to the Arnold Arboretum, but usually only during spring and autumn, when it was nicest. Being at NU kept her close to a lot of greenery, and it made Lexa pretty damn happy. Growing up in Woodbridge, Virginia, she'd had a lot of nice parks nearby, and so Boston's green spaces were comforting, and gave her plenty of volunteer opportunities when she had the time.

So far, Lexa had gone through her usual morning routine, catching an early morning run along the Emerald Necklace, returning in time for breakfast, following that up with a shower, and then a few dozen pages of The 25th Hour.

As she planted herself into the stands at the Matthews Arena, the last part of her game-day ritual began.

Lexa would show up quite early before each game, using the alone time in the stands to gather her thoughts, and focus on the afternoon ahead. Boston College would be a decently challenging opponent, currently holding an undefeated record similar to her own Huskies, just with the Eagles having one less win. The team's coach, Marcus Kane, applied a stalwart defensive scheme, and the team's captain, Tsing, was among the best two-way forwards in the whole league. Maya Vie, a senior, was probably among the top ten goalies, with great rebound control, remarkable agility, and great recovery. A little weak stick side, had a tendency to stray from her crease, and her reflexes were a step below elite, but no goalie was free of flaws.

However, the team was largely green elsewhere. Their second line was full of sophomores, their top three on defense were non-freshmen, but everyone else was brand new. When nearly half of a team is new, their chemistry would be a work in progress, their execution of their system would be a work in progress, their conditioning would be a work in progress. Near the end of the year, the Eagles would be a more formidable foe, but early in November, not ten games into the season? Lexa didn't have to think too hard on how to exploit the team's weaknesses when home ice advantage would have her line matching up against the green bottom nine as often as possible.

Lexa was just starting to relax, mentally going over some anecdotes Anya had brought up about last season's games when the echoing sound of doors in the distance drew her focus back to the arena itself. She found herself frowning, confused and a little upset that her routine had been interrupted, even if just momentarily. Usually, she had a good forty five minutes to an hour before Indra, her coach, would show up and signal the arrival of the arena staff, and Lexa would in turn migrate to the locker room.

Had it just been some noise, Lexa would have drifted back into her thoughts. However, a bit of gold in her periphery grabbed her focus, the blonde girl now entirely disrupting her ritual by wandering around at ice level, stopping at the corner of the away team's end, directly across from her. That the intruder was well within Lexa's sightlines had her seething internally; that the girl hadn't even noticed her yet, the intruder's focus locked to the ice itself, was even more frustrating. That the girl wore Boston College colours was, in any practical sense, an insult.

She was just moving to stand and draw attention when sharp blue eyes shifted up from the ice surface and met her gaze, which only had Lexa settling deeper into her seat. The last thing she wanted was to give the impression she was remotely intimidated or interested, even if there was a bit of curiosity and a good chunk of heated attraction swimming amongst her overwhelming frustration. She'd never seen the blonde around the arena before; she would have noticed someone as stunning as her in the arena, or even on campus. And it made little sense that the girl would intrude that day, at that time, given the game wasn't set to start until a little under two hours from then.

Lexa wracked her brain over whatever puzzle piece she was missing, doing her best to hold the blonde's gaze without getting too distracted, because the girl was stepping closer now, to the edge of the risers. It made for an exceedingly difficult time, because the closer the blonde got, the easier it was to soak in the sight of the absurdly beautiful girl before her; like an angel fallen from heaven with her golden hair practically glowing, and with those ridiculous eyes staring hard at her own, that challenging glare nearly causing Lexa to flinch from shock as her internal light bulb flicked on.

_It's her..._

Lexa did her best to control her breathing while remaining visibly calm, each intake of oxygen not nearly enough to handle the fact that she KNEW those eyes. She KNEW that glare. She'd come up against them in a few dozen games over the past few years in her regional circuit. Honestly, she wasn't sure whether to be concerned, or to be intensely aroused.

Both seemed like sensible responses.

She'd known the blonde as number thirty-one, then playing for an immensely uncompetitive team from Northern Virginia. It hadn't been often that anyone in her regional circuit caught her attention, but thirty-one had pressed the issue, demanded Lexa's attention with her intense play. The girl had been a pest, to start with, shadowing her at every opportunity, and often doing double shifts on the penalty kill just to butcher her team's second unit with shorthanded goals. And with each game, the girl just seemed to be better at containing her. The insult to injury was that Lexa could count on two hands how many faceoffs she'd won against thirty-one. Whereas she herself was a self-described offensive dynamo, thirty-one had been a defensive wizard, inexplicably countering her again and again.

Back in high school, it wasn't a big issue, given the rest of the blonde's team had been atrocious, and all Lexa had to do was be careful with her passes, and let her teammates victimize the overmatched competition. In division one women's hockey, that was not a tactic she could realistically employ and rely on.

The thought of matching up against the girl both concerned and thrilled her, Lexa's adrenaline pumping through her veins at the thought of going up against her rival, and the closest to an equal that she'd come up against in competition thus far. Her focus finally breaking, Lexa allowed her eyes to briefly, and hopefully covertly, scan across the blonde's form.

Just taking in the gentle waves of golden hair, eyes enticingly reminiscent of the mid-afternoon sky, kissable lips she believed would host smiles as warm as the first sunrise of Spring, a clearly well-endowed chest she could only imagine was soft and so very...

 _Lexa, no._ Anya's voice cracked through her focus, acting as the pissed off angel-warrior on her shoulder, forcing her gaze back up to the blonde's lovely blue eyes. It was hardly a consolation prize among all that the girl brought to the table, physically. But it was that fierce determination, that competitive fire, that mind for clutch performances, that arousing high-energy motor that had the blonde giving her all out on the ice, that had Lexa wondering...

_LEXA. NO._

She bit back a sigh, reeling herself back to a more composed state, carefully watching the blonde push off the guardrails and make her way towards the nearest exit. Lexa kept her eyes locked onto the blonde until the girl left her sight, the sound of doors closing signaling her rival's official exit, the end of the girl's personal audience with her, of sorts.

The voice of Taylor Swift immediately began bouncing around in her head once her official distraction was gone, and it had Lexa smiling a little. Oh, she knew that thirty-one was trouble when she walked in. And shame on her for reacting how she had, but now she had a little time to prepare, to figure things out. After all, the last thing she wanted was to get surprised by that blonde and end up lying on the cold hard ice, watching another scoring attempt of hers get foiled by the girl, or worse.

No, she had to find Indra. She had to figure out a plan that would help keep her calm, keep her focused, and far from troubled by a blast from the past likely being a divisional rival. For sure, thirty-one's appearance was the blonde saying that she was here, that she saw Lexa, and that round two was now underway.

Lexa sunk back in her seat, a smile breaking out as she reveled in the excitement of it all. That afternoon's game was suddenly much more interesting, and having home ice advantage gave Lexa an idea of how to fire a return shot across the blonde's bow and truly test the girl's character.

She checked her watch and smiled. _Soon..._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so this is sort of rough, but it wouldn't get out of my head, and while it's starting off a bit slow (there will be some hockey next chapter), I feel good about where I left it off. I thought getting Lexa's unfiltered perception of Clarke first would be fun, letting me do Clarke's take on Lexa next chapter where I'd have more room to work with.
> 
> I'm still getting a feel for Lexa and Clarke's voices (and the others, too, to an extent), so that should improve as I go. It's always a bit interesting translating characters from such a different setting to something more...casual, or domestic. Suddenly, a few of the more intense traits mellow a bit, or manifest differently, and it's fun to navigate that process and find a good fit.
> 
> The fic won't be TOO hockey-heavy, but there will be some gameday scenes here and there. And I thought choosing the Boston area would keep the east-coast setting in play, and would let me set up an inner-city rivalry that would be difficult to manage elsewhere (NU Huskies = grounders, BC Eagles = skai kru, or sky crew in the modern AU). All in all, it's largely about the characters relating to each other through friendships, rivalries, relationships, etc.
> 
> Anywho, I hope you enjoyed, let me know what you think :)


	2. Chapter 2

Clarke's head dipped backwards, over-exerted lungs straining to draw enough oxygen as she stared up at the scoreboard. Throughout the season, she really hadn't had much reason to do so, her internal clock and Coach Kane the only timekeepers she needed so that she'd know when to start and end her shifts, when a powerplay or penalty kill would end. So it was a little unfamiliar, and frustrating, to look up at the scoreboard to see less than four minutes left in the third period, Boston College trailing Northeastern by a score of three to two.

Her team had played so hard, played the best they had all season, and still they were behind. Despite quality play, their offense had been largely inept, scoring on a powerplay, and then on a lucky bounce from Raven's slapshot from the point late in the second period. NU, in contrast, had been largely coasting, waiting for opportunities to tear into them; the grounders' three goals had been modest, given all the scoring attempts. Had Maya not stood on her head, Clarke knew the game could have been put away a long time ago.

So to say it had been a demoralizing game would be putting it lightly, and the later they were into the game, the clearer that disappointment and frustration was in her teammates. A fellow freshman, Monroe, had succumbed to her emotions the previous shift, accidentally icing the puck after being trapped in their own end for a little over a minute by the grounders' second line. Sienne, NU's second line center, was a crafty senior whose low center of gravity and elite stickhandling made it difficult for Clarke to gain possession from or accomplish much of anything except nullifying offensive opportunities. Which she'd succeeded in, but it had still left her stuck in her own zone, in the end.

It was far from ideal, all her fellow Eagles exhausted and desperately needing a line-change, but a single mistake meant that they'd likely be spending another twenty to thirty seconds on the ice at least. They couldn't afford to waste time in their own end with time ticking away, and when Clarke saw the Northeastern players come over the boards and onto the ice, her heart dropped.

_Fucking goddamnit all to hell..._ Clarke griped internally, doing her very best to catch her breath and prepare herself for a potentially disastrous shift, because NU's top line had finally come onto the ice against her for the first time all game, with the exception of the shifts she'd played on the penalty kill. Going from dealing with her opponent's second and third lines, to dealing with Lexa Pocosin, Anya Pine, and Tris Woodson was a huge step up; Clarke could only pray that she was up for the challenge.

Lexa alone had been something of a white whale for Clarke over the past four years in playing in the Northern Virginia/DC/Maryland women's hockey circuit. Hell, the entire first game Clarke had played against the ruthless brunette was burned into her memory, carrying a slew of lessons never to be forgotten. Up until then, she'd been content playing somewhat competitively, but the absolute single-handed drubbing Lexa gave her and her team that first game, where Clarke had been on the ice for seven goals, six of them Lexa's, had been a wake-up call.

Perhaps it was strange that she'd gained a sense of purpose from a single opposing player rather than the sport she had long since fallen in love with, but it was what it was. Lexa was a phenom, breaking regional records, displaying Amanda Kessel-esque skills in dominating her opponents; Clarke hadn't been used to such embarrassment, to getting beaten numerous times a shift by a single player, over and over.

That game had spawned a new approach, a new workout regimen, a new set of practice drills to run through, and time set aside to watch tape. Clarke was under no delusions that she had the natural ability that someone like Lexa had, but she was damn smart, she was athletic, and she knew the game like the back of her hand. Where Lexa was the offensive dynamo along the lines of an Amanda Kessel or Sidney Crosby, she was more in the mold of Marie-Philip Poulin, or a Patrice Bergeron, both defensive forwards with an offensive touch.

Four years she'd spent rigorously studying Lexa's play; her habits, her strengths and weaknesses, her favourite plays, her most effective areas on ice to shoot from, everything. And perhaps that was a little obsessive, but her father had always said that to be the best, you had to beat the best. Sure, he'd often be discussing boxing or soccer, but the point stood that Lexa was the golden standard, and if Clarke wanted to actually live her childhood dream of playing for the USA women's Olympic team, she'd have to be competitive. Lexa was a shoe-in for the next olympics' roster, so if she could be close to as capable, then she'd have a chance.

To her credit, she'd never been on the ice for more than two of Lexa's goals in any game since, but those games meant little compared to facing off against each other in division one. Back then, her teammates were mostly sieves, but she had Octavia now. She had Raven. She had Monroe and Harper, even if they were still remarkably raw. There was no excuse to allow even one, but goddamn if it didn't feel a little unfair right now.

Clarke glided towards the face-off circle and planted her feet at the hashmarks, waiting as Lexa drifted closer, those cold, intense eyes staring hard at her as if the girl could explode her skull through sheer will alone. In the past, the girl had played against her with some fire and intensity, but she'd never glared at Clarke with such fury since their run-in earlier before the game. That was new, and that had Clarke feeling a little off balance as the referee approached the circle and Lexa got in place.

Still, she knew what to do, each motion built into her muscle memory, her eyes ready to capture any detail she needed to recognize to adjust. If there was one area she was comfortable against Lexa, it was in the face-off circle. It was having to deal with bottling Lexa up in her own zone instead of the neutral zone that worried her.

Clarke lowered her stick and stared hard into those intense green eyes across from her, just waiting, waiting, waiting...

A flash of black had Clarke shifting in place, angling to box Lexa off as her stick made contact with the puck, batting it backward just as her rival's stick made contact with her own. Clarke turned her head and saw Octavia rush away behind the net out of her periphery, and made the decision to tangle Lexa up a little, delaying the brunette from joining the attack momentarily.

A little shove from her rival got Clarke moving in the wrong direction for a moment, but her powerful stride helped make up for some of that as she moved into position up ice, even with her legs practically screaming at her as she watched Octavia round along the boards and dish the puck up to Monroe.

Immediately, Clarke pivoted back towards the front of the net as Anya intercepted her teammate, stripping the puck and sending a laser of a pass to Lexa. Working off instinct, Clarke dropped to the ice just in time to get a puck to the hip, Lexa's shot impacting hard against her and sliding off towards Raven, who'd read the play as well. The defender took control of the puck, and ventured back behind the goal line with Lexa in hot pursuit, no targets available to pass to from what the blonde could tell.

Clarke got to her feet in time to recover their man to man system, covering Anya momentarily as Harper lost coverage, Tris pressing in to add pressure on Raven. Any forward progression was largely being bottled up, Raven managing to flip the puck through the air over to Octavia, who immediately was pressured by Fox. _Fucking hell, they're fast!_

It was enough, however, to let Clarke recover her job as Lexa's shadow, because even if the brunette didn't have the puck, she was still the most dangerous player. Octavia and Raven were good, hopefully enough to get the puck out of the zone soon enough. Tris lacked a strong first step even if she was agile as hell, Anya couldn't cover two people at once, and the defense could be caught on their heels if they committed a little too far into the zone, which they were. Clarke knew they just had to be patient...and hold on long enough to get out of their jam.

Thankfully, O was on the same wavelength as her, feinting a little with some of the girl's fancy stickhandling, separating herself and the puck from Fox as Octavia slipped past the opposing player and tapped a pass up ice to Harper.

As if in slow motion, Clarke saw Lexa separate from her and shift closer to the top of the right-side circle, as if waiting for a pass. Clarke immediately realized Tris had shaken Monroe and was coming in hard on Harper, her speed and pressure allowing Anya to sneak in at the winger's blind side.

Clarke knew the play, she'd seen them pull it off against BU a few weeks ago, and it was damn good; Clarke would bet anything that Fox was in position behind her to screen Maya, and all Lexa needed was a slight bit of help to get a serious scoring opportunity. _Fuck!_

Fearful of falling back out of reach of a win, Clarke dashed up ice, Anya stripping the puck from Harper and sending another laser of a pass to Lexa in one smooth movement. She extended her arm, giving her a few more inches as she charged at top speed, hoping, praying...

She was on her third stride as the puck impacted against the lip of her stick, Clarke's gaze shooting forward as she skated hard into the neutral zone, shifting closer to the left side where Caris was weaker and had to adjust to keep up. Clarke waited for the pinch before slipping the puck between the girl's legs, just barely pivoting past the defender cleanly enough to keep ahead of Lexa, her rival's stick making hard contact against her shin.

It didn't matter, really. Her linemates were surely on route to the bench, Lexa was a stride and a half behind her, and all Clarke had ahead of her was NU's goalie, Echo. It was all up to her and Echo now; at least, that's what Clarke thought until Lexa's stick tangled itself between her legs mid-stride.

It was enough to send Clarke stumbling forward, her body searching for stability as she fumbled forward, using her forward momentum and what control she had left of her body to send a hard wrister short side.

As she fell to the ice, she watched the puck rise, higher than she'd aimed for, but apparently it'd caught Echo by surprise, the girl's reaction delayed just enough for the puck to roll over the lip of her glove and into the net.

The buzzer, mixed with the newly quiet home crowd, brought a smile to her face as she drifted on her stomach. Clarke got back to her feet in time to get tackled by Octavia, her roommate hugging her hard and spinning her around enough for Clarke to get a glimpse of the scoreboard. A little more than two minutes left, score tied at three. It was hard to believe she'd managed it, but she allowed herself to feel some relief that they'd made the best of a bad situation, and gotten tremendously lucky.

Clarke was exhausted as all hell, but it was all worth it. Leisurely making her way back to the bench, having earned a few moments to catch her breath again, Clarke shot Lexa and Anya a glance; the captain was standing by Lexa, mouth moving slowly, but the brunette's focus was entirely on her, those intense green eyes piercing her even now.

She had a feeling that this inner-city rivalry might just be the death of her, as exhilarating and intense as it was. For now, though, she'd plant herself on the bench and rest; the game wasn't over just yet.

* * *

Lexa sat in front of her locker, helmet in her hands, the white noise of the last of her teammates showering barely registering as she mentally reviewed the game she'd just played. Somewhere in the back of her mind, she knew there were better ways to spend her time; she had a philosophy paper due Monday that she could fine-tune, she could use an early evening meal, and she could take a calming walk in a park as the sun finished setting. Hell, she could go home and nap, to give her mind a break after a chaotic day, but she knew she wouldn't deserve it.

She'd been arrogant. Hell, she and her linemates had toyed with the Eagles for most of the game, waiting for sure-fire scoring chances instead of taking whatever moderately decent chances came around to them. They probably could have walked away with a six to three victory, no matter how excellent Boston College's goalie had been all game.

Instead, that tying goal just kept repeating in her mind. Usually players who had already endured minute long shifts had little left in the tank, and certainly wouldn't have much in the way of speed. And given her line was arguably the fastest in Div 1, and her D pairing was mobile and fast as well, it shouldn't have happened at all. Potentially frustrating match-up or not, Lexa had figured they could handle a tired third line stuck in their own zone. Indra certainly had thought so.

Yet, from the face-off on, it had been just as frustrating to play against the blonde as she remembered; it certainly didn't help that the Eagles' top defender and that Blake freshman were crafty as well, enough to minimize mistakes despite their exhaustion. But Griffin, apparently number nineteen these days, had been her shadow, frustrating her by nullifying Anya's first takeaway with a blocked shot.

But it was that Griffin had victimized both her and Anya on the second takeaway, on a pass that ninety-nine percent of the time would have made it to Lexa's stick without issue, had Lexa seething mad at both the blonde and herself. She wracked her mind over how the blonde had possibly reacted to a play that hadn't even happened yet, one that Lexa only reacted to after the blonde was in motion. And even then, Anya, if nothing else, could thread a pass to a target through heavy traffic without issue; her cousin was a natural passer if there ever was one, and yet the blonde had just...made to intercept a pass that hadn't been made yet. And succeeded.

Lexa firmly planted her helmet onto the floor and ran a hand angrily through her hair, recalling the blonde striding hard down the ice with the puck with speed that shouldn't have been possible given Griffin had been on the ice for over two minutes. Caris then getting undressed by Griffin with slick stick-work, and Lexa not being able to catch up to her, was immensely frustrating; that her attempt at stripping the puck away led to what would have been a penalty shot had Griffin not inexplicably managed to score, was infuriating.

Lexa had never suffered a tie game before. She'd never been embarrassed on the ice like that before. So while her three point night could be considered a statistical success, contributing to each goal from her team, it wasn't even remotely satisfying. They should have won. Griffin shouldn't have scored. And yet, they didn't, and she did. Costing her Huskies a win.

The play would haunt her for weeks, she was certain of that. At least until their next game against BC. It had been bad enough dealing with the blonde on three of her team's four powerplays, only managing the score on one of those where the blonde was iced in opposition. Having Griffin bite her in the ass in the one good even-strength match-up they had? That was a whole other level of unforgivable.

"Don't beat yourself up over this Lexa." She heard Anya call out as her cousin exited the showers, reluctantly drawing her attention to the older girl. "We faced a strong team tonight, and we'll have an opportunity to sweep the weekend series the next time we play. This afternoon is over, it's in the past. All that matters is the future."

Lexa let herself nod at that, because it was true; she couldn't control the past, but she could learn from it so she could control the future. And they had a few more games against Boston College left that season to make it right. Those truths still didn't ease the burning ache she felt over how the game had went, though. Not as much as she would have liked them to.

"I know, Anya. I just..." Lexa started before letting out a defeated sigh, unsure exactly what it was she wanted to express, with all that was bouncing around in her skull.

Anya crossed the locker room floor and took a seat beside her, Lexa's older cousin nudging her shoulder slightly in a clear sign of her wanting Lexa to open up. "What are you caught up on?"

Lexa couldn't help but narrow her eyes and grit her teeth as the word spilled from her mouth. "Griffin."

"Hmmmn, yes." Anya noted thoughtfully, gaze shifting to the doorway leading out towards the rink. "I didn't expect that from her. I knew she was on the Eagles, but since she was a freshman seeing bottom six minutes, I wasn't expecting much. She played well."

Lexa shook her head as her mind returned to the blonde's frustrating performances. "She's been a thorn in my side for years." Lexa noted with a frustrated grunt, just barely keeping from crossing her arms across her chest. She was more composed than that; no need to express just how pissed off she was.

Anya's gaze returned to Lexa, complete with a cocked eyebrow questioning her. "You know her? I don't recall seeing her."

"She played for the Reston Raiders...a low quality team in the northern Virginia circuit. They were always outclassed and slaughtered, but she was...annoyingly good. One good player on a terrible team was easy to work around, but she would still beat me in face-offs, and would largely shut down my ability to score when we were on the ice. Of course, I could still pass, so I'd finish with a goal and three or four assists instead of a hat-trick or two, but it was frustrating. Even more so now that she's on a good team, and I can't avoid her so easily." Lexa explained at length, happy to at least be able to vent and get some of that frustration out of her system. Anya would understand, her cousin had been tormented for two seasons by another player on BU in her freshman and sophomore years.

Anya let out a low chuckle. "Is THAT why Indra refused to line us up against the Clarke's line for most of the game?"

"It's a legitimate tactic, playing to more favourable matchups whenever possi...wait. You used her name. Why?" Lexa realized midway through her reasoning that her cousin hadn't called the girl by her last name as was usual, but instead used the girl's name. Anya rarely did as much unless she was acquainted with a person in some way. It all definitely had Lexa's suspicions firing.

"Do you recall the dark haired winger on Clarke's line?" Anya asked, drawing an easy nod from Lexa; the girl was fast on her feet, smart, but played a little too aggressive at times. "That's Lincoln's new girlfriend, Octavia. Clarke's current roommate."

Lexa paled at her cousin's words, recalling that day when Anya had been frothing at the mouth in desire to dig her claws into Lincoln's new date, and how Anya had wanted Lexa to come along and join her at the party as backup. She recalled that after the night of the party, Anya had seemed a little subdued, but somewhat satisfied; Lexa had assumed the interrogation had occurred, and the girl had passed the test. That Griffin was on a first name basis had her thinking that the blonde may have played a part in it. Which likely limited how much she could openly hate her rival. "Fuck." She muttered at that realization, and the understanding that had she joined Anya, she wouldn't have been so surprised about Griffin that day, and perhaps would have played better against her that day.

"She and I worked out a truce on the condition that Lincoln and his girlfriend remained happy together, which...I can begrudgingly admit they are. Next weekend is Octavia's birthday...I could always introduce you at the party. It would give you a chance to get to know her somewhat, or at least laugh at her. Apparently Lincoln's girlfriend plans on embarrassing her." Anya noted with a comfortable indifference that let Lexa know that her cousin hadn't quite warmed to the newcomers, but didn't particularly hate them either. A good thing, for Lincoln's sake. A bad thing for her, given Anya seemed to have some level of respect for Griffin.

Although, on that end, Anya's respect was a little difficult to earn, so it did have Lexa a little curious in turn. Plus, Lexa couldn't help but think that maybe if she was able to encounter Griffin outside of hockey, that the girl might be less...well, not intimidating, but easier to approach, mentally. That maybe Griffin wouldn't be so quick to get into her head.

If enduring a stranger's party could get her that much, perhaps it could be worth it.

"If it'll get her out of my head, and let me see her in a less competitive light...maybe." Lexa answered, feeling a little sheepish admitting that much, but she knew Anya wouldn't skewer over it.

"You're a freshman...as good as you are, it happens. Everyone makes mistakes and loses their head sometimes. Hell, I'm a senior, and I let a no-name freshman kill me on that game-tying play. We move onto the next game and leave the past behind. We control what we can...our home ice advantage in one of the back to back games in January, and in the Beanpot so long as we stay ahead in the standings. And then in the conference championship, if BC qualifies. So just try to put this past you, and focus on the wins you're hungry for." Anya's words provided a little comfort, but it didn't entirely mesh with the reality that she often had Griffin's number only a little more than Griffin had hers. The fact that Griffin matched up so well against her was exciting and intriguing, but it lost a lot of its luster when such match-ups turned into Lexa allowing a game-tying goal. One win she very much wanted was to nab a game winner with Griffin on the ice, giving her some personal satisfaction as well as helping earn her team a victory worthy of their potential.

And while she didn't particularly care to see anyone humiliated, she could see some value in removing some intensity from their rivalry through being amused, potentially at Griffin's expense. Maybe such a night wouldn't be a win, but it could be a window to figuring the blonde out and demystifying her.

"I'll try, Anya. In the meantime, why don't you tell me all about Lincoln's girlfriend?" She asked, drawing a tight, exasperated smile from her cousin, who was sure to go off on a rant or two about whether or not the girl was a match for Lincoln. Lexa didn't get to see her other cousin all too often over the years, and so she wasn't as close to him as she was with Anya, but she still loved him, and wanted the best for him. Surely she'd get at least a glimpse as to how the next weekend's festivities would go.

Which, of course, was important, seeing that she would be there. Not just to support Lincoln and Anya, and to meet the new people in her family's lives, but to scope out Griffin.

There was just something about her, and Lexa was determined to figure that out soon, so she'd have plenty of time to prepare for their next game.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A short chapter, I know, but no matter how I shifted scenes around, things would either seem a bit disjointed, or it'd just be a short chapter this time followed by a long chapter covering the whole birthday party. I chose to stagger chapter lengths instead of starting the party and waiting a while to finish it. 
> 
> So yeah, the party and ensuing hijinks will follow in the next chapter :)
> 
> Anyway, thanks everyone for reading and taking interest in this story of mine! Your support has been awesome!


	3. Chapter 3

"I can't believe you're letting me drive your baby, Raven." Clarke noted with an exuberant smile so wide she was sure she could probably catch flies given enough time. For weeks, she'd admired her friend and teammate's precious vehicle, never once dreaming the protective girl would let her even play at sitting in the driver's seat.

Yet, there she was, driving Raven's 1968 Ford Torino GT, the girl in question seated in the passenger side, watching her with more than a little amusement.

"I trust you. And honestly? I'm probably getting hammered tonight, and someone needs to drive me back home." Raven said with a giddy smile of her own. "Besides, you've earned this. You've been clutch for us lately, it's the least I can do to let you take my baby for a spin."

"Still, I appreciate it. I've been driving my dad's old Forester for so long that I forgot what driving something powerful felt like." Clarke added, enjoying the sheer force of the vehicle she guided down block after block towards their destination, cherishing the drive while it lasted.

"I'm sure. Anyway, are you really okay with rolling DD again? I mean, it's probably the fifth time in the last six parties that you had to be sober, and I know tonight's going to be pretty great." Raven asked, curious eyes boring into the side of Clarke's head.

"I'm fine not drinking...I let loose sometimes, but it's usually not a big thing for me." Clarke answered, hoping it'd be enough for Raven. Not that she couldn't give a more detailed reason for her tendency to keep alcohol at arm's length outside of a few select days of the year, but she just didn't feel like it.

Thankfully, Raven either sensed that or just decided it wasn't worth talking about. "Anyway, this will be your first time with all of O's friend group around, right?"

"Yeah, I've met them all before, but usually just two or three at a time. I fully expect the party to be a little wild." Clarke shot back, turning the corner down the street towards the karaoke bar they were hosting the party at.

Raven's gift had honestly been a little confusing, given they could have just rented a karaoke machine if they really wanted that, but Raven thought having some special room rented out would make for a better birthday experience. At the very least, the washrooms at the place were most likely large, and capable of accommodating several drunks, so there was that.

"You can say that again. But at least O's brother will be sober, too, so you won't be the only sane person as the night drags on." Raven noted with a shrug. "Honestly, I'm looking forward to him and the others raising hell against Linctavia tonight. Like, fuck, how is it that among all of our collective hotness, that THEY are the only people in relationships?"

Clarke laughed, having sensed more than a little sexual frustration from the dark-haired girl over the past weeks. Though Raven DID have a point; as understandably single as she was, it was a bit of a massive shock that Raven remained single as weeks passed. The girl was smart, funny, beautiful, and handy with just about any machine ever made.

"Raven, you could drive up to any car repair shop around town, give any mechanic your patented 'sex eyes', and say 'Service me', and they would literally do anything you wanted." Clarke asserted, allowing herself a chuckle or two through Raven's boisterous laughter, but there honestly was something a little off about the girl these past weeks. "I'm serious, there's no reason for you to be single if you didn't want to be."

Raven's laughter trailed off then as they pulled into the parking lot, the older girl eventually letting out a sigh as Clarke backed the Torino into an isolated spot. "Okay, so maybe there's this person..." Raven started, her words apparently failing her after a few seconds as she crossed her arms across her chest and huffed. "It's not a big thing."

Clarke, however, could see that it was totally a big thing, her face probably lighting up like the fourth of July as she gaped at Raven. "Oh wow, you've got a crush!"

Raven gave a half-hearted shove at her shoulder as she undid her seatbelt. "Shut up, it's not a big deal." The older girl grumbled as Clarke just kept grinning brightly at her, drawing an exasperated sigh after a few seconds. "Alright, alright, so there's this girl...woman, really. And she's...she's amazing." Raven's words jumbled around a bit, but as the girl found them, her face softened, her eyes went all unfocused and hazy, and Clarke couldn't help but feel full to the brim with excitement.

"Who is it?" The question was the most obvious of the ones bouncing around Clarke's head, but she just needed to know. She'd never seen Raven look so moonstruck over someone.

Raven's teeth found her lower lip, gnawing momentarily before she let out another sigh, this one sounding as if she'd spent months in darkness and was seeing her first sunrise in forever. "Anya Pine." Raven whispered, smiling wide like a goddamn goofball.

Clarke's next question sputtered out of her in coughs and mangled syllables, because what the freaking hell! "Anya...Anya Pine?" She asked, drawing another immensely content sigh and nod from Raven. "Wow."

"Yeah, she's a hell of a woman." Raven stated, still grinning and clearly enamored; Clarke agreed with Raven on that much, but knew that they both meant very different things by those words.

"You got that right. You realize she'll be here tonight, right?" Clarke asked cautiously, feeling a little relief that Raven had been aware. The last thing she needed was Raven to go into some sort of panic.

"I'm pretty sure she's out of my league and would crush me. Hence the probability I'll get blitzed tonight." Raven explained, and while it was nice having a bit more clarity on the matter, she couldn't help but feel a little confused at her friend.

Clarke shut the car off, undid her seatbelt, and turned to face Raven. "Okay, I know you're not putting yourself down, because the Raven Reyes I know is amazing." Clarke insisted, earning a sheepish shrug from her friend beside her. "Seriously, you're a genius, Raven. Like, certified genius. The only reason you're here at BC is because you wanted to play hockey while you chased your second major. You graduated from MIT by the time I graduated high school...and on top of your smarts, you're one of the funniest people I know, you're charming as hell when you want to be, and you're 'model attractive'. Anya would be lucky to have you in her life."

Raven nodded slowly, a bit of that doubt dissipating in favour of hope. "So you think I have a chance?"

Clarke sat back in her seat and shrugged. "Honestly, I don't know her well enough to tell. But I do know you, and that you're a catch. And if you want me to run recon on her tonight, then I'll do that for you."

Raven's smile exuded relief and excitement as she leaned over to pull Clarke into a hug. "I knew I could count on you!" She cheered, patting Clarke's shoulders as she pulled away. "My plan was to just kind of wing some low-key stuff around her, get a feel for how she might respond, right? But if you're there too, then that's even better!"

Clarke smiled at Raven and put her hand on the door-handle. "Like, I said, I'll keep an eye on her for you. And I'll pop by tomorrow after classes to give you a run-down, alright?"

The whole situation was a little bonkers, to be honest. First, there had been the pressure of getting Anya off her and Octavia's back, so Lincoln and O's budding relationship could bloom on its own. Now, Raven was crushing on the Huskies' captain? Sure, Anya was beautiful and a little intriguing to spend time around, and Clarke HAD volunteered her services to Raven, but she wondered how smart of a decision it was.

Either way, life was getting more complicated.

Clarke grabbed her bag from the backseat, opened the door, and gestured for Raven to lead her into the karaoke haven they'd be spending the next few hours in. At least Octavia's birthday celebration would be colourful, given the slightly run down venue, dated 80's neon carpeting and parquet flooring guiding their way through the halls of the building and into a surprisingly decent-sized and well furnished room. At least, given the fact that it was a karaoke bar.

Almost immediately, Clarke was aware of two things: Octavia had rushed her and was hugging her into oblivion, and her guitar case was propped up against the mini stage in the room. Clarke couldn't help but feel conflicted over the wonderful sensation from the hug and the ominous pit in her stomach. Still, it meant O had dragged it to the bar herself, and it WAS Octavia's birthday...she'd endure whatever was asked of her. _And given O has been trying to get me to sing and play my guitar for her, I can only imagine she has something in mind for tonight..._

"Happy birthday, O!" Clarke exclaimed, squeezing her roommate in return before taking a look at the crowd. More or less, all of Octavia's friends were there: Jasper and Monty were hanging by the karaoke monitor, while Harper, Murphy, and Nate Miller had commandeered one of the couches. And of course, Bellamy was hovering nearby, keeping an eye on the already slightly drunk partygoers. It was a pretty great turnout, given Octavia just wanted her close friends there instead of having to worry about a large crowd, even if there was enough booze to handle a much larger group.

Sure, drinking underage was illegal, but Raven's aid in securing the venue came through her uncle's ownership of it, which made it easier to sneak booze into the room early on. It being a Sunday, as well, had made it easier to basically reserve nearly the whole venue for the night, given the minimal business it'd get that night otherwise. The terms had apparently just been to avoid causing any permanent damage. Easy enough, Clarke figured.

From what she could tell, it'd be the nine of them plus two more in Lincoln and Anya; eleven people rarely caused enough trouble to warrant worry. With herself and Bellamy staying sober all night, it would be that much easier keeping anything catastrophic from happening. _At worst, we'll be tortured by terrible singing, but it'll at least be in the comfort of some damn decent looking sofas._ She mused to herself.

"Thanks! You know everyone, right? Let's get settled in, I want another shot in me before Lincoln gets here." Octavia declared, dragging Clarke across the room towards another couch.

And so began a good fifteen minutes of socializing, catching up, and making sure Octavia didn't surpass 'happily buzzed' before eight o'clock rolled around. Apparently, Raven's uncle wasn't a prolific purchaser of song material, a lot of the back catalogue being hits from the 80s, 90s, and early 00s where he seemed to lose interest in staying current, with only a few collections of more recent material. Clarke honestly shouldn't have been surprised, given how dated the whole operation was.

Monty had kicked off the singing festivities, testing the system out with a positively butchered yet enthusiastic version of Heart's "Alone" that she couldn't help but adore him for; Jasper had, of course, played up the dramatics and sang along from a nearby couch, if only to encourage his BFF.

They were a few cheesy songs into the night when the door opened and a happy Lincoln stepped in, followed by a more-or-less stone-faced Anya. It was the third, and unexpected, guest that had Clarke's blood icing over in her veins, her heart stopping at the sight of Lexa goddamn Pocosin entering the room.

Over the past month, she'd learned that Anya shared a dorm room with her, but Lexa had never joined in on any of the outings that Anya saw fit to supervise. That the brunette...the honestly fucking stunning brunette from the looks of her... had decided tonight was a good night to join in had Clarke in a bit of a nervous daze, unsure what to do with herself. Her eyes kept tracing the perfectly applied eyeliner and smoky shadow framing those goddamn verdant meadows of irises. Irises that slowly, confidently scanned the room, shifting closer and closer, and...

Clarke averted her gaze, forcing herself physically to shift away from the door if only to catch a damn breath, because no one should look that pretty. Sure, she'd caught sort of a decent look at Lexa a while ago before their game, but the girl had been a good twenty to thirty feet away, looking at her from under an NU Huskies cap that had shaded her face over pretty effectively. Tonight was the first time she'd actually gotten a good look at the girl without a helmet on and it was just a little too much to digest on first glance.

She took a laboured breath in, let out a slightly steadier exhale, and repeated the process two more times before returning her gaze to the party, noticing Octavia was embracing Lincoln, Anya was seemingly interrogating Bellamy over something, and Lexa...

Lexa was staring right at her, expression as blank and calm as a statue, but Clarke suspected differently; Lexa was like the eye of a hurricane, convincingly and seductively serene, a hair's width away from catching you up in her wake. At least, that was always how Clarke had seen the gorgeous girl on the ice, and the sparing moments off of it. It had her wondering if that aspect of the brunette translated to her personal life as well. If the storm of emotions in those green eyes was any indicator, Clarke was in for a hell of a night, one way or another.

"Okay, so now that everyone's here, we can get started! Raven was the first one to give me my birthday gift in renting this place out, and making sure we have an awesome night ahead of us." Octavia noted exuberantly, nodding along at the impromptu clapping from Monty and Jasper. "But now I want my second birthday gift, and that's getting to embarrass my roommate!"

Clarke gulped back any nerves, realizing that the two batches of cinnamon rolls she'd given Octavia apparently hadn't been her full gift. Which, not a problem, even if playing in front of others was absolutely a new experience for her. And even though she was aware of at least two sets of eyes watching her intently as she crossed the room and went over to O, the birthday girl's friends saluting her with joking cheers and applause all the while, she just had to stay composed.

"Have something in mind for me, O?" She asked, figuring it was best to just give her friend what she wanted, knowing some sort of amusing payback would be hers down the line sometime. At the very least she could bring a smile to her roommate's face tonight.

As Octavia whispered song choices into her ear, both more than earning the groan that slipped from her lips, the blonde caught sight of Lexa watching her closely, looking a little pleased at her predicament. _Of course she'd be up for O embarrassing me...I'm pretty sure he hates me, honestly...but at least if she stays seated on the loveseat with Anya, I won't have to look at how well those jeans fit her, because...damn...okay, focus Griffin!_ Clarke nodded to herself, opening her guitar case up and setting herself up on the stage, taking a seat on a conveniently placed stool.

Lexa wanted to smirk at her, and be happy over O teasing the hell out of her? Clarke wouldn't give her the satisfaction. She would rock the hell out of the cheesy songs, especially given they weren't all that difficult. And she'd rise to the challenge like she always did.

_Okay...let's do this..._

* * *

The party was already better than Lexa had expected. Earlier that day, when she'd heard they'd be having it at a karaoke bar, she'd nearly balked, because she wasn't one for singing in front of large groups. But now that she was there, and had seen how shaken up Griffin had been at her arrival, she couldn't help feeling pretty satisfied. It was nice not to be the one on edge between the two of them.

The blonde had seemingly frozen up while Octavia had introduced her to everyone, not having even been aware that the birthday girl in question had introduced her to Clarke, showing zero signs of acknowledgement. Which, all in all, had been quite amusing, but not as amusing as the prospect of Griffin having to perform some embarassing song in front of them all. Lexa had allowed herself a smirk at the blonde's misfortune, something that earned her a light jab in her ribs by her cousin.

"Don't be so obvious." Anya muttered, keeping up the promise she'd made earlier that day of holding Lexa in check. She didn't want to stoke the fire of their rivalry, not really; instead, Lexa wanted to see Clarke outside of hockey, outside of that context, so that maybe the blonde wouldn't seem so imposing or intense on the ice. Bringing their rivalry into a party would kind of work against seeing Griffin as a full human being.

Lexa watched the girl get up on the stage, planting herself on the stool as she adjusted the step of her acoustic guitar and got the microphone in place. _Showtime._

Griffin's gaze slid up from the guitar and over to meet the eyes of her smiling, positively giddy roommate. "Octavia, I wish you the happiest birthday in all the land." The blonde deadpanned, a blank, stone-cold expression on her face that had a lot of the group in stitches, Octavia included, but Griffin didn't even break out into a smirk.

With a lightly theatrical sigh, the blonde started strumming, those sky-blue eyes fixed firmly on one of the ceiling tiles, a familiar melodic tune forming even if the name of it was hovering at the edges of Lexa's mind.

"You're on the phone with your girlfriend, she's upset, she's going off about something that you said..." Griffin started, her sweet velvety singing voice nearly flattening Lexa as much as the choice of music that had her Swiftie heart fluttering in time with each strum of the guitar. It was so confusing!

Lexa just sank back into the loveseat as the music flowed over her, trying to process the situation, but it was just out of reach. _Griffin sings...and she sings quite well, clearly trying to do it justice! But...but Octavia meant to embarrass Griffin, didn't she? So why is she singing Taylor Swift? There's always a reason or rhyme for singing something of hers, whether in stressful situations, or while studying or writing papers, or planning to conquer an enemy, so...maybe it was Blake expecting much worse from Griffin?_ She thought to herself, trying to put the puzzle pieces together as she glanced over at the birthday girl, who was practically in hysterics, laughing hard against Lincoln's shoulder. _That can't be it...Does Griffin hate Taylor Swift? That could be...no, no, that's impossible. Her face IS very red, but if she hated Taylor, she wouldn't be performing quite so well. Then why..._

Lexa was torn from her thoughts by a change in melody, shifting to yet another Taylor Swift song, one that had much of the whole group laughing and screaming along to the yell in 'I Knew You Were Trouble''s chorus. It was all a little confusing, so Lexa decided she'd just enjoy the song and not think quite so hard about it, even if she was a little disappointed at the lack of embarrassing material so far. Honestly, it was a little unnerving that Griffin kept managing to prove how capable she was at every turn. Surely the girl had some flaws somewhere, right? Lexa had come to the party to see the blonde as a regular human being, not someone so...intriguing as Griffin was proving to be.

Another elbow to her side jolted Lexa out of her thoughts again, a slightly amused and very suspicious Anya grabbing her attention. "Enjoy her siren song all you like, but maybe put the sex eyes away, little one." Anya whispered, a few select words sucking the air from Lexa's chest over the mere idea of giving Griffin any sort of look. Quickly, she huffed and tried to pass it off as if she hadn't; which, sure, she truly couldn't have, but Anya was usually very perceptive, so Lexa had given Griffin some sort of eyes. Not 'sex eyes', but...something.

"I wasn't. I was...just frustrated." Lexa asserted, earning a small laugh from her cousin, who pulled her into a side hug, Anya's nose tickling her ear.

"Sexually frustrated, maybe." Anya practically laughed into her ear, so it was fortunate the rest of the room seemed to be paying attention to Griffin instead, because Anya didn't have a very quiet laugh. "Seriously, I might respect her, but I will not see both of my favourite people into..."

Lexa knew where Anya was going with her train of thought and clamped a hand over her cousin's mouth, which Anya clearly wasn't impressed with. "Don't even suggest that I am..." Lexa tried to form a rebuttal, but the mere thought of Griffin and her together just disturbed her. Sure, it was also a fair bit arousing, but it was mostly disturbing. Probably. "Never. I will never. It's just you of all people know what Taylor Swift songs do to me. Don't worry so much, Anya."

And it was true. Again, she'd come to demystify Griffin, not to find reasons to take a different sort of interest in her. The blonde might hold appeal to others, certainly, for very valid reasons, but Lexa? Not a chance. Impossible. Well, perhaps terribly unlikely.

Anya's eye-roll was a clear sign that her cousin didn't buy her statement, but Lexa knew it was true. Griffin just was not at all her type. _She's a pest...a nuisance...she works hard to get under my skin. Hard enough to stay fit as well...at least fairly athletic, given her stamina in the game. She trims her nails short...maybe so she can't bite them, so I can chalk that up to a potential anxiety turn-off. She's annoyingly average height, not too tall or short. Her eyes...damn it, her eyes are infuriatingly like the colour of the first day of spring, shining with that rejuvenating warmth towards her friends, but like the coldest day of winter with its harsh sun when she glares at me during hockey. That has to be a negative. Hair like the golden wheat in my aunt's old farmland I used to play hide and seek in, and I'm sure I could just run my hands through it and...and...and maybe she's hiding something in there, so that could be a negative too. Besides, I don't even like running my hands in anyone's hair. I like my hands right where they are, thank you, not buried in gentle waves of silky hair that look like they would practically caress each of my...um, but it'd probably just trap them or something...so no way. Not a good time._ Lexa mused with growing confidence, feeling a little exhausted from all the things about Griffin that absolutely were not right for her. At all.

_And she can play guitar, but Octavia had to MAKE Clarke play Taylor Swift, which probably means she doesn't like her music, and that's a deal breaker, probably. And if that's true, she's probably some weird guitar-playing girl who performs Wonderwall on repeat. So that'd be a negative, too. Definitely not my type. There was no way I was giving her sex eyes._ She concluded, nodding to herself as she decided to ensure such a conclusion couldn't be made again, furrowing her brow while staring at the blonde on stage. No one could possibly interpret her appearing confused or annoyed as 'sex eyes'.

Lexa smiled a little to herself at her ingenuity. _Mission complete_.

"Lexa, fix your face, you look creepy." Anya's voice floated into her ears, flushing Lexa's face red with embarrassment that maybe her quick fix needed a little work.

No matter, she'd figure it out. Practice made perfect, her mom always said. This was no different.

It was about another minute of tantalizingly good music before Griffin's hands and voice stilled, that beet red face finally angling to gaze at Octavia, the blonde letting out a huff as she placed her guitar down on the stage. Lexa almost expected Griffin to throw some sarcastic barb, but her gut had her thinking otherwise, proven right when the blonde's face smoothed out into a sincere smile.

"You enjoy that final birthday gift of mine, O?" Griffin asked, sounding perhaps a little exasperated, but mostly good-natured and playful. It really did make sense; Griffin didn't seem the type to be particularly mean to her own people, and the birthday girl was definitely in that exclusive group.

Octavia's laugh rang out, certainly above the others chuckling along. "Sure did, C. Swift!"

Lexa couldn't help but feel a little amused, if slightly offended as a Swiftie, at the nickname, especially how red Griffin's face got again. And especially at how perturbed the blonde seemed over it, even if the girl shifted her focus over to Octavia's brother.

"Just because I'm blonde and play a guitar, doesn't mean I'm Taylor Swift. There's Gillian Welch, Joni Mitchell, Orianthi, Melissa Etheridge..." Griffin started ranting, and while Lexa could appreciate that the blonde wasn't insulted by the comparison to Swift, she was a little curious at the mention of a certain lady loving singer-songwriter. _So she likes Melissa Etheridge...it doesn't mean Griffin is into women. Not that it'd matter at all. And not that I'd care, anyway. Besides, Uncle Gus likes Melissa Etheridge..._

"Why the hell are you complaining to me?" The Blake boy interrupted, clearly as confused as the rest of them, barring Octavia, who looked quite pleased with herself.

"It's Octavia's birthday, I can't get annoyed at her. So just for tonight, I get to take it out on you." Griffin noted as she stepped down off the stage and pulled Octavia into a hug. "Besides, I know you were thinking the same thing, so you're just as worthy of it, Bellamy."

The older boy lifted his hands in mock surrender just as Lexa spotted Monty raising a glass in Griffin's direction. "You've made your point and defended your honour well, Clarke. So we can probably move on now, I guess."

"Drinking games!" Octavia cheered with a lifted bottle, the rest of the room largely erupting in accompanying cheers that had Lexa realizing that her liver might have a long night ahead of it.

She sat there as the partygoers rummaged around for booze and an assortment of items, pulling all sorts of potential ideas out for a vote. It was a bit of a rushed mess, but when the voting came around to her, she cast hers for Kings, knowing she was at least vaguely familiar with that game.

The voting seemed to be heading in that direction, and Lexa was feeling a little anticipation for seeing how Griffin was when she was drunk. It was then that she cast a glance in the blonde's direction and spotted not a bottle of beer in her hand, but a carton.

_Peach...nectar?_ _Lord..._ Lexa thought dazedly as she watched the blonde sip away at her drink, eyes fluttering closed in apparent satisfaction. _This is unfair, this is all...wait,_ _she's not drinking? She...it's a party. I planned around her drinking. She can't...no. No, nonononono..._

Lexa was shaken from her thoughts by something cold and hard and slightly wet being pushed against her clenched fist. "Stop whining, and take it. I don't care if she's not, you're drinking tonight, you deserve to relax a little." Anya's voice brought her attention completely around to her cousin, who was giving her a vodka cooler and one of those patented mama-bear looks that was a little reassuring, even if she really didn't NEED Anya to take care of her. "I'm serious. She won't mess with you tonight, so kick back and relax."

Well. Lexa was hardly much of a drinker, but she did enjoy a nice glass of wine here and there. And she'd tried some vodka that past summer, so maybe she'd take Anya up on her offer. After all, Griffin would never dare push her buttons with Anya there, right? It didn't seem likely at all. And it wasn't as if she had much to lose in getting tipsy. They even had their own loveseat so that she couldn't do something really unlike herself or ridiculous like run her hands through that golden hair. Or inquire why Griffin insisted on drinking goddamn peach nectar of all possible non-alcoholic drinks, as if she were trying to give Lexa a heart-attack.

Yes, perhaps she COULD kick back a little and indulge in some alcohol. She'd had to be so controlled across the semester so far, and it'd be nice to pass a shred of control over to her cousin for a little while.

Surely, Anya would keep her safe, and from making a fool of herself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so the party is going to have to take 2 chapters, given how long it started to get. And besides, I was wanting to get something new out to you all, anyway. I hope you liked this chapter...as I wrote it, I kept thinking up potential hijinks for all the main characters, and while I held back a little from going full-bore wacky, I couldn't help but indulge myself a little. Ever since I first came across those tumblr gifs of Lexa singing Taylor Swift to an annoyed Clarke, I couldn't help but headcanon her as a fan. I also kind of wanted her to panic a bit over her attraction to Clarke, given how immediate it was, and with their rivalry and all. And I know it's predictable in modern AUs, but I like the idea of Raven being a bit of a gearhead. :P
> 
> Anywho, I hope you're all faring wonderfully these days! Thanks for reading!


	4. Chapter 4

Anya could appreciate a good party.

For a lot of her life, she'd had to be more responsible than most, and while she had no regrets, it had led to her developing some solitary hobbies and ultimately a rather lacking social life. Since going to NU, that social life expanded, if just a little bit, at least up until this year when Lexa could move out of her dad's house and come to NU as well. Nowadays, she had freedom and family close at hand, and that was a worthy enough reason to find time to celebrate it while it lasted. Anya was under no impression it would last forever.

And so she sat back in the comfortable loveseat, fresh off a game of quarters against some of Lincoln's girlfriend's lunatic friends. Now in her senior year, Anya wasn't a particularly heavy drinker, and her long-developed skills in drinking games often ensured she wouldn't be put in a position to get plastered. Tonight was no exception.

A groan across the room alerted her to another person getting frustrated at her family's hand-eye coordination, Lexa seemingly brutalizing that Monty boy in another game of quarters. Years ago, she had played a stripped down version of the game with Lexa to pass time, with juice or kool-aid instead of alcohol, and a candy or two for the winner; if she was good, and Anya knew she was, Lexa was usually a little bit better. Lincoln was more than capable as well, so as a whole, ten years of practice against kids who likely started drinking maybe three years ago at best made the competition predictably easy. Still, Anya wasn't going to complain. It was fun to see her family do well, and it was a little relieving to see them, especially Lexa, loosen up a bit.

Sometimes she worried about that girl. _Well, perhaps more than just sometimes...but I'm not the only one watching her carefully tonight._

Across the room, Clarke was in some idle discussion with that Harper girl, but it was clear that the blonde was paying more attention to Lexa's prowess at quarters than she was whatever the two were talking about.

Anya wasn't born yesterday. She knew Lexa was gay as the day was long, and the fact that Griffin would bite her lip just about every time Lexa full-on smiled or laughed was a sign that the blonde was interested at the very least. While Anya truly didn't want to have to deal with any more of her family members being in relationships and potentially getting hurt, she knew Lexa would eventually want to date again after, well, everything with Costia. And if that was Clarke, well, at least it was someone she respected to an extent. At least the girl seemed responsible.

A collective groan signaled another three-peat for Lexa, drawing Anya's gaze back to her cousin, who was not-so-subtly sending glances Clarke's way as she spoke the game's newest rule. _Lexa, your gay is showing..._ she mused to herself, groaning internally at how similar this all seemed to how Lexa had been at the start with Costia. All shy, looking for acknowledgement, turning their friendly track and field rivalry into mutual admiration, and then into tentative touches and nervous smiles. Her cousin was extraordinary, and sought after equals; that Clarke had managed to capture Lexa's attention meant that something was brewing between the two.

She wouldn't play cupid. However, she WOULD enjoy watching them stumble around and into each other for as long they could manage without figuring out what, if anything, was between them.

A dark shape in her periphery had Anya turning her head to find that Reyes girl standing at the arm of the loveseat, looking down at her with nervous eyes and a slightly jittery smile.

"What?" She let out, unsure why the girl had come over to the other side of the room, away from the festivities, and somewhat unimpressed at having her little scouting mission interrupted.

"Can I get you a drink?" Reyes' question was simple, her subtle slurring not quite killing off the clear nerves that shook each syllable.

Anya wasn't sure why the girl was so on edge, and didn't quite like that uncertainty. Still, Reyes was a sophomore, and while she knew very little about the woman, she was aware of her obsession with that car of hers. _Probably just feeling nerves over drinking tonight and leaving the keys with another person..._

"One of the hard lemonades, please." Anya answered, deciding she'd had enough of the hard liquor for the night, so she could move onto lighter drinks. She'd never had the greatest tolerance, so it never took much to remain in the range of pleasantly buzzed and a little drunk. And if the strange girl was offering, then she could at least be somewhat polite in response.

Raven was off like a shot, crossing the room towards the cooler. Anya returned her gaze to the quarters table, where apparently the group decided to start setting up another game. Lexa was standing, discussing something with Lincoln and Octavia, but Anya couldn't help but notice Clarke off in the background, head tilting slowly more and more to the side. Eyes intensely focused on Lexa's backside, clearly agape from how far her jaw had dropped.

Anya let out a sigh at the sight. _I should not have convinced Lexa to wear those jeans..._ She grumbled internally, only to stifle a laugh when Jasper caught the blonde staring, Clarke immediately going red-faced and speaking quickly. _Well, I suppose those jeans aren't so bad if they can embarrass Griffin for a few moments. Though if Clarke knows what's good for herself, she'll stop ogling like a construction worker...Lexa deserves better than that..._

A small thump of a body sitting to her right brought Anya back to the present, noticing that Reyes had decided to partake in her company. "Here you go." Raven offered with a bright, particularly warm smile as she handed Anya the bottle. "I'm not sure we've officially met. I'm Raven."

Anya eyed the newcomer skeptically, but figured there was little harm in engaging her. "Anya. And thank you for the drink." Anya said, her tone not tremendously welcoming, but not stony or hostile either. Raven wasn't part of her friend group, she didn't understand why the sophomore was spending time with her instead of the others.

"I aim to please." Reyes noted with only the tiniest slurring to her voice, taking a small sip from her beer.

"Had enough of the drinking games for now?" Anya asked, recalling that Reyes had been entrenched in the games since they'd started.

Raven offered a slight shrug. "I lost a lot, and I think my coordination took a bit of a hit with all the drinking." Reyes explained, before shooting Anya a curious, if slightly mischievous glance. "Say, could I count shoulders with you and see if I've still got it?"

Anya's brow furrowed at the request, entirely confused as to what 'counting shoulders' was that wasn't already entirely visible and obvious. Still, the girl's company hadn't been atrocious so far, so she nodded, even if she had no idea what was happening.

Raven tapped her both of her shoulders with her left hand, counting off _'one'_ and _'two'_ , before tapping Anya's right shoulder _'three'_. It was entirely bizarre, and Anya lowered her bottle to give Raven room to reach out in front of her, but the girl's arm snaked behind her back and tapped her left shoulder, leaving her hand and arm in place.

"Four. Yeah, I think I'm good." Raven noted with an entirely goofy smile that had Anya perplexed, her mind needing a few seconds to catch onto what had happened.

_She used a pickup line, of sorts...on me..._ Anya mused to great confusion, her rather hostile reputation towards men who hit on her having basically left her suitor-less over the past year and a half. It wasn't as if she was entirely straight, Anya was quite open to women, but none had ever hit on her. Not outside of an abstract hypothetical sense, at least. _This is unbelievable..._

Anya slowly, but firmly, took hold of Raven's hand and lifted it off her shoulder, the dark-haired girl swiftly taking her arm back at sight of the steely scowl on her face. Like most who had hit on her in the past, there was dejection in Raven's eyes, but surprisingly a lack of fear, regret seeming to take its usual place.

It was enough to have Anya feeling slightly bad for the girl, but honestly, she didn't have time in her life for anything. She had her own studies to worry about, she had the Huskies, and she had Lexa and Lincoln; those all combined were enough to fill her plate. Even if she wanted to, which she wasn't at all sure she did, she couldn't take an interest in Reyes.

Still, she could see Kings was being set up across the room, and she had no interest in playing that, so there couldn't be much harm in some added attention. Especially if she didn't actively pursue it.

"Ha, sorry. When I drink, my wit tends to go out the window. Sorry if I made you uncomfortable or anything." Raven said quickly, each syllable softened by clear regret and concern. It was strange.

"I'm not uncomfortable, but pickup lines don't suit me." Anya stated flatly, her words drawing a skeptical expression from Reyes that only furthered her own confusion.

"What, seriously?" Raven blurted out, before seeming to check her enthusiasm, though that skeptical expression remained. "To be honest, I look at you and dozens come to mind."

Anya let out a scoff at the assertion, beginning to rethink whether this attention was worth the annoyance and potential insult. "It's breathtaking to hear that cheap, tacky words come to mind when you see me." Anya noted, words dripping in sarcasm and disdain. And yet, Reyes didn't back off like others often had, only leaning closer, if just slightly.

"They're not all bad. Like, there's one where I'd ask if your father is a thief." Raven started, time ticking on before Anya realized Reyes was waiting for a response. With an exasperated sigh, she shook her head, knowing this could go very poorly if the girl inadvertently insulted her father.

"Because he clearly stole the stars from the skies and put them in your eyes." Raven finished, voice trailing off a bit into a grin, the darker girl's gaze inexplicably managing to be soft and piercing at the same time.

Anya fought for the physical ability to respond, not at all having expected something like that to come out of the mech engineering student's mouth. "That's..." She started, fighting to combine syllables into something resembling a calm, collected response, but it was odd. She hadn't had her eyes complimented since second grade, when her classmate Tristan had told her they were pretty because he liked the colour brown, because bears were brown. Truthfully, she was somewhat used to compliments; Anya knew she was a fairly attractive person, but her eyes had never really been mediums people chose to express their desire through in the past. It had her a tiny bit curious as to what this Raven saw differently.

"...nearly poetic, but not quite up to par." Anya finished, feeling a little added confidence in her delivery, not wanting to give away her hesitation and confusion, even if Reyes might be too drunk to take note of more subtle shifts in expression.

"I'll be sure to pick a better one next time around. Speaking of poetic, what, are you a poetry buff?" Raven asked, not at all with the usual disbelief or audible disrespect. It almost seemed as if the girl was just sincerely curious.

Deciding to take a risk, and knowing Reyes was maybe too drunk to remember many details, she figured it wouldn't hurt to answer such a simple question. "I am." It was honestly all she'd been willing to say without an idea of how it'd be responded to.

Raven's blooming smile was a curious, if somewhat pleasant surprise. "Read something to me? Or, well, I guess that's not realistic, since who even brings poetry books to parties like these anyway, but..." Reyes babbled, clearly a little more than buzzed, and certainly quite nervous. It was...almost sweet.

Before she could think too hard, Anya found herself reciting from memory a work that was somewhat fitting to their situation. "Love is like the wild rose-briar, friendship like the holly tree. The holly is dark when the rose-briar blooms, but which will bloom most constantly?" She started up, immediately grabbing Reyes' attention, everyone else in the room more than enthralled with the game of Kings going on. "The wild rose-briar is sweet in spring, its summer blossoms scent the air; yet wait till winter comes again, and who will call the wild-briar fair?"

Raven sank into the couch, thoughtful eyes watching Anya as she continued reciting, an oddly small grin ever-present on the girl's face despite the subject material. "Then scorn the silly rose-wreath now, and deck thee with the holly's sheen, that when December blights thy brow he may still leave thy garland green."

Anya watched Raven's eyes slowly slip closed, the girl nodding to herself a few times as her smile grew and grew, teeth lightly caressing a slightly wounded lower lip. "That was really beautiful." Raven noted quietly, thankfully still audible against the shouting and cheering across the room. Anya had honestly expected some sort of response, but another compliment was hardly one of them. "Seriously, it's like you shifted gears and fell into this zone. Your eyes went all soft and clear, your smile was freaking radiant, and your voice...wow. I know the poem's about friendship being better than love, I can take a hint, but I have to say that was pretty special."

"It's by Emily Bronte..." Anya stated, unsure how to respond to Reyes' words, the spattering of half-developed compliments was as flattering as it was confusing. Again, Anya wasn't new to compliments, but rarely did any target her face; usually, it was her fitness, her slim figure, her backside, or her legs. Sometimes she'd even get a compliment of her ethnicity, but those were fetishistic and gross. Since she was young, she'd been told that she'd had a bad case of resting bitch-face, that she tended to look mean. So it was confusing to hear Reyes focus on those characteristics without those connotations. "And if that was an attempt at a pickup line, you failed."

Raven startled at the accusation, hands lifting up briefly in a sort of apologetic surrender. "Whoa, no. I mean, if I were to shoot one off at you, it'd be that watching you recite rendered me breathless, but seeing you smile breathed life back into me...or something like that. Because while I totally dig the badass warrior vibe you usually rock on the daily, that was a good sort of different you just pulled off."

Anya nodded slowly, taking in yet another compliment on her smile. _Had I smiled when I recited the poem? I don't think I did, but I must have...right?_

"Anyway, I think I'm too drunk to keep from talking and embarrassing myself, so I'm going to go over to the game of Kings, and maybe heckle the birthday girl a little bit." Raven said through a blush that managed to be visible despite her skin tone, teeth descending to nibble on that slightly swollen lower lip as she seemed to gauge Anya's response. Not that she was entirely sure HOW to respond, what with all of the girl's words finally getting digested in her slightly alcohol-delayed mind. "It was nice meeting you, Anya. I'll see you later."

Anya just nodded at the farewell, unsure now whether she was happy to be free of Raven's company so she could think about the perplexing chat they'd had, or disappointed that Reyes was leaving so soon. As she decided she could feel both, Anya rested a hand on the girl's forearm just as Raven was getting up to leave. "Of course. You as well."

Reyes' smile in return was brilliant, eyes lighting up in a way that had Anya thinking back to that last pseudo-pickup line about breathing life into her. She'd been able to bring joy to Lexa, Lincoln, and her parents' faces before, certainly, but this was different, even if it seemed quite similar. It was an odd power to experience, but Anya wasn't sure she minded it.

Her eyes tracked the newly bubbly girl across the room, where Raven teetered over to Clarke, pulling her out of that apparently quite lengthy discussion with Harper, and into a hug. Almost immediately, the veil of polite interest covering the blonde's dire boredom broke apart into contentment, Clarke returning the embrace with similar enthusiasm. Knowing blue eyes glanced her way for a moment or two over Raven's shoulder, and it had Anya wondering if Clarke had been paying attention to more than just Lexa tonight.

She watched them pull apart and exchange quick words, relief pouring out from Raven in waves, met with encouraging looks from the blonde. Anya wasn't certain what to make of it all, but perhaps she'd talk to Clarke later on. It had been a while since their last chat.

Until then, she'd continue enjoying the party. Maybe she'd move closer to the drunken antics soon enough, as well. For now, though, she would take some time to figure out what to think about Raven. And finish her untouched lemonade.

* * *

Clarke couldn't help the heaving sigh that escaped her as she stepped into the club's ladies room, a minor sense of relief washing over her as she made her way to the sinks and leaned against the counter. Fuck the potential germs, she just needed something to help support her body weight, because tonight had been a fucking trial.

It was bad enough that Lexa had shown up looking all fantastic and messing with her head like that. It was one thing when her rival was near flawless on the ice and had earned her admiration and respect; it was entirely another thing to actually get to SEE Lexa, and find out that she was fucking mesmeric in her beauty. It was to the point that after their first bit of real eye contact, Clarke could hardly keep her eyes away from Lexa.

And when Lexa would win in quarters, that familiar pride and confidence shining through, well that bridged a gap of sorts, linking all those years-old feelings about the brunette to these difficult new ones. The damn girl refused to lose, and would wear this absurdly content smirk that had Clarke wanting to, well, do SOMETHING to get it off her face. Problem was, that 'something' entailed some contact that she honestly didn't want to think about, and which was dangerous to let her mind wander off to.

And when Lexa started getting tipsy during Kings, pink hues rising to her cheeks and mischief in the girl's eyes, Clarke couldn't help but be further intrigued at this newfound side of her. From the flavoured vodka coolers, to Lexa speaking in what Clarke imagined was an Australian accent when an accent rule was initiated in the game, Lexa had piqued her interest. It didn't help that the accent, authentic or not, was tantalizing spilling from Lexa's lips.

And when Lexa would crack a smile and laugh, viridian eyes shining brightly in amusement of the antics during truth or dare, Clarke felt as if her heart was beating against her ribs, straining at its cage to be nearer to this bewitching young woman. It was so strange to have accepted the role of a sober partygoer, and still end up drunk, if on something entirely different and more potent than alcohol. And when Lexa completed a dare to do a body shot off Raven, well, that was just a little too much to handle, so Clarke had escaped to the washroom for a breather.

_I'm so fucked..._ Clarke nearly groaned aloud, instead forcing the words to rattle around in her head. Sure, Clarke was mature enough to acknowledge her attraction to her rival of sorts, but she wasn't quite ready to voice it. Not just yet.

Because Lexa had been safe, in a sense, labeled in Clarke's head with all sorts of words and ideas that were damn useful in propelling her towards the level of greatness the brunette was capable of. Such greatness that Clarke felt necessary to reach as well if she had any hope of making the Olympics.

Lexa, for years now, had been a tool, a measuring stick, a living resource to learn the game from. That had been simple, and useful, and fantastic in helping Clarke improve her hockey skills, but now Lexa was more than that.

And honestly, that just complicated things. Clarke wasn't sure she was ready to wrap her head around it, to be honest. It wasn't as if she needed to be, or even wanted to be combative with her rival, she just wanted to be able to be composed and confident in her presence, and hockey made that simple. Adding in the social and physical dynamics rendered her a breathless, voiceless, slack-jawed, aroused mess for far too often to be confident in staying composed. To say it was a frustrating turn of events was putting it lightly.

However, those thoughts and all the conflicts associated with them flew into the æther as the washroom door slammed open, Clarke barely needing a half second glimpse at the brunette's jeans to figure out it was Lexa kicking open a stall and hurling herself over a toilet.

Clarke immediately placed her bag on the counter and rushed over to Lexa, pulling the girl's hair away from her face and into a ponytail as she vomited into the bowl over and over. Honestly, it was a little relieving to see that a lot of it wasn't just water; for better or worse, Lexa had eaten before she arrived, and if her experience was right, it probably meant something just hadn't sat well with the brunette, instead of the girl drinking far past her limit.

Still, it wasn't a quick one and done, and without thinking, Clarke found her free hand rubbing at Lexa's back. It felt a little weird to be crouching in a washroom stall, touching Lexa in such a supportive way; in some way it was actually a little relieving, Clarke feeling a little more centered and composed now that she had something to do about Lexa, even if it was unrelated to her attraction. If there was something she could hardly stand, it was feeling useless, or like she couldn't do anything about something, even if just for the moment. Being able to take action, and do something good, well, it swiftly put Clarke in a better mood.

Near what seemed to be the tail end of the puking spree, Lexa took a brief peer over her shoulder at Clarke, those sea-green eyes still full of life and vigor even if the girl owning them appeared somewhat pale and exhausted by it all.

Clarke did her best to meet that glance with reassurance, figuring now was absolutely not the time to worry about any past or present conflicts between them. "You're gonna be alright, just let it out of your system, no rush."

And that was how they remained for the next five minutes through the last of the vomiting, and the worst of the dry heaves. The latter were always shitty to go through, since it was usually tied to having a terribly sore throat and nothing to do about it, but at least it was a sign that things were getting better bit by bit.

When Lexa finally sagged against the ceramic and finally managed to take a few full breaths without laboring for them, Clarke figured it was about time to move things to a better location. "We'll rest here for half a minute, and then I'm going to bring us over to the sinks to rinse your mouth, alright?"

Lexa's breathing stilled for a moment, eyes fluttering closed for a moment or two before the brunette gave a small, stiff nod. It wasn't much, but it was enough for Clarke to stick with the plan, continuing to rub at Lexa's back as the girl rested, internally counting down the time.

At the thirty second mark, she slipped her arms under the brunette's armpits and hauled her up to her feet in one smooth motion. Or, well, it would have been smooth if Lexa hadn't seemed to have second thoughts about the plan, fighting a little at Clarke dragging her out of the washroom stall. Maybe if Lexa had been sober, the girl would have had a better shot, but a tired, drunk girl...fit or not...wasn't about to best her when she had sobriety and coordination of her side.

Shifting her grip to stabilize her hold on Lexa, she quickly shuffled the girl over to the sinks and leaned Lexa up against them before letting go to rummage through her bag. The tired girl immediately turned around, as if preparing for some sort of fight, which would have been a little troubling given it was O's birthday and all, and given Anya was present, but the fight left Lexa's eyes when Clarke held out a water bottle for her to take.

"I'm not making you lean over to drink the shitty spray these faucets give off. Take a sip, swirl it around, spit. Four times, at least. Then take a few gulps of water. Bottle's yours." Clarke explained, hoping her to-the-point instructions were neutral enough to not cause any further issue with the girl.

Because honestly? Clarke was pretty damn sure Lexa hated her. Between how hard the brunette played her on the ice, how frosty her reception had been at the arena last week, and how the girl just kept glaring and staring intensely at her all night, the blonde figured Lexa had it out for her. She was about a hundred percent sure of it, which was yet another reason why her attraction was dangerous and something to be dealt with in solitude, at another time and place.

More than a little wary, Lexa slowly reached out and took the bottle, seeming to check the freshness seal before twisting off the cap and taking a sip. It wasn't the warmest response she'd ever had from a drunk person in need of aid, but it wasn't the worst, either. For that, she was thankful. And honestly, she was thankful Lexa hadn't looked in the mirror at all yet, because she had a feeling that if the girl did, Lexa would be about a thousand times more defensive about the streaks of mascara on her cheeks.

Sure, a lot of people's bodies forced out tears while vomiting, it was no big thing, but Clarke had a feeling Lexa liked controlling how she presented herself to others. And the pale, messy girl in front of her was far from the way she imagined Lexa looked just about anywhere in public.

Clarke took the brief window of time to search her bag for a few more things, pulling out the assortment of items and laying them out across the counter. The action held Lexa's interest, given the brunette hadn't taken her eyes off of her since they made it to the sinks, but there was no move to leave, or to be aggressive or anything. Just curious, cautious eyes watching her every move. A nice break from the usual anger or hate.

Taking Lexa's better temper as a sign that she wouldn't attack or anything, Clarke gently guided her to a nearby wall once the girl had finished taking a few swallows of water and blowing her nose out. As better as Lexa might have been feeling, she still looked like she might topple over if a strong enough breeze hit her, so Clarke stood in front of her and got down to business. "Before I give you anything else, are you sure it's all out of your system?"

Lexa gave another small, stiff nod, eyes rolling up and sticking there to stare at something on the ceiling. "I forgot my body hates heavy beers like Guinness." The brunette noted, voice hoarse and sounds oddly sheepish. It was nice to hear a lack of hostility. Not that Clarke took that any which way, just feeling it was nice that the tone didn't match the glaring from before.

"Mmmh. That'll do it. How are you feeling?" She asked, deciding to keep things simple as she reached over to her side and wet the face cloth she'd pulled out, and grabbed a few makeup wipes. If Lexa responded well, she'd continue on; if not, she'd back off, and give the girl the tools to clean herself up. Clarke just figured it would be faster if she handled most of it.

"My throat feels like a salt flat covered in acid and rose thorns." Lexa responded quickly enough, almost a hint of a smile on her lips if Clarke stared hard enough and looked past how tense Lexa was. Which, of course, she wouldn't, or certainly couldn't. It wouldn't be polite, and Lexa had remarkably wonderful looking lips, so it'd be a terrible combination.

She let out a little laugh at the remark, knowing those words described the feeling pretty well, and decently creatively for a drunken girl. "I like that, I might remember it for in the future when I'm in your position, if you don't mind." She added, figuring that if any of Lexa's remaining tension was from insecurity of being more vulnerable, asserting that she was vulnerable like that at times might help a little.

Lexa's small shrug, dissipating a minor, if visible amount of tension in her rival's body, spurred Clarke forward to start a brief cleaning of Lexa's face. Clarke noticed the girl's eyes flutter closed, but offered no objections. It was refreshing and relieving, but at the same time had her feeling a little guilty. She'd have to come clean, somehow, just in case Lexa would be uncomfortable.

It only took seconds to realize she should probably speed things along, Clarke taking hold of her chosen drink for the night, or at least the other carton she hadn't opened yet. When she'd finished dabbing away the makeup and general post-vomit-session grime, she gave the girl's shoulder a light tap. "So I know when I've vomited, water's nice, but it can't get rid of the burning aftertaste. So if you want something to drink that will taste better, and might coat your throat a little, I've got something that could do that. Or if you want some mouthwash this early in the night and can deal with its burn and aftertaste, then I've got some of that too. Or you could mouthwash, then drink, if you're okay with mixing some minty flavour with peaches. Your call."

Lexa's eyes remained closed, the girl taking a few noticeably measured breaths before nodding. "Mouthwash, then drink."

Clarke placed her travel bottle of mouthwash in Lexa's right hand, taking her left to guide the girl back near the sinks. Lexa made quick work of the stuff, swishing and gargling before spitting it all out with a wince. The brunette seemed a little more energetic now, so she let Lexa lean against the countertop instead of back at the wall again, but Clarke still returned to her spot in front of her. A few months back, she'd had an acquaintance drunkenly fall on her face on her watch, and while that was likely a fluke, she wasn't willing to risk that again.

Feeling like they'd established a minimal rapport, Clarke brought out the washcloth and started dabbing away the sweat from Lexa's neck, knowing cool cloths always felt pretty great after she'd vomited. Lexa didn't say or do anything except close her eyes again, so Clarke figured it was fine. Still, her guilt was flaring up again, just with no real plan to alleviate it.

"I put your water bottle on your right, and my peach drink on your left, so when you're up for drinking, you can. And you should get fluids into you as soon as you're comfortable." Clarke reminded, drawing a small nod from Lexa, curiously no longer stiff. Though a brief bit of confusion flickered across the girl's face.

"You expect me to drink what you've been drinking out of all night?" Lexa asked quietly, oddly sounding more curious and confused than put off.

"No, I always bring a spare. When O gets drunk, she sometimes likes to mess with me, and that can involve her lewdly drinking my juice and making...well, saying vulgar things about my sex life." Clarke explained, feeling a little relief at the surprise opportunity to just toss in a bit of personal info and hopefully let Lexa know more about her. Not out of some repressed hope that Lexa would express some similar sexuality, but so that the brunette would know more, and be able to make some informed choices and whatever.

"As...absurd as your peach drink is...and it is...I don't understand what you're getting at." Lexa noted, voice suddenly a little hesitant, hands fiddling with the bottle of mouthwash in her grasp.

Clarke let out a brief sigh, hoping her words wouldn't be taken poorly. Sure, people were more accepting these days, but there were still a lot of homophobes and biphobes around.

"Well, I'm bi, and O's always teasing me, saying I drink it because I haven't...well, or that I miss going..." Clarke started, stumbling for words a bit, not wanting to be too vulgar and give a bad impression, but needing some way to be clear.

Lexa's voice interrupting her was a godsend, to be honest, if stunningly blunt. "...That you miss giving a certain kind of oral sex. I understand now." Lexa spoke with more calm, and more precise speech than in the recent past, sounding as if she were sobering up. "And...it is a little funny, Griffin. Lighten up."

Clarke couldn't help but laugh at the slight bit of sass Lexa was sending her way, and from utter relief that the girl seemed totally fine, given her hand was dabbing along the brunette's collarbone now. "Oh, believe me, it was funny the first time. Even the tenth time. But it's just a regular thing now, and I think she tries to one up herself in making it more explicit and vulgar...so anytime she's feeling creative, the carton's out of the fridge and she's defiling it." Clarke explained with another laugh, noticing Lexa's head tilt slightly towards the unopened carton at her side. "That one's fresh from the store, you don't have to worry about the birthday girl's grubby mitts being all over it."

"But honestly...why peach nectar? Of all things you could drink..." Lexa trailed off, the question quite clear, though Clarke wasn't sure how to answer.

In the end, after minor deliberation, she figured a bit of truth wouldn't hurt. "When I was a kid, my mom was always away. She was fresh out of residency and was starting a career as a surgeon, so she was always busy, and my dad would try and make up for that. He was a terrible cook, but he somehow was able to bake a few things perfectly. My favourite was his peach pie." Clarke started, before finishing up with Lexa's skincare for the time being. "I can't have pie all the time, but I can have something that reminds me of him and is pretty much the same as orange juice, health-wise. So since I rolled D.D. tonight, I figured I deserved something nice, and...yeah."

"That's a better answer than I thought you'd give. Thank you." Lexa offered, her thanks sounding a little strained and forced, but otherwise, the girl sounded a little thoughtful and relaxed.

"Yeah, no worries." Clarke replied with a smile, even if Lexa's eyes weren't open to see it. It was just nice to be so, well, cordial. The angry glares from earlier had still happened, but there was no reason for Lexa to seem so relaxed if she wasn't. "Anyway, that carton's yours to keep. I can't make you stop drinking tonight, but I can say that it's probably a good idea to give yourself a decent chunk of time to recover. I've got some energy bars for you, so you'll have something solid in your stomach, but it's just best to take it easy on the drinking for a bit."

Lexa let out a hum, acknowledging Clarke's words as she set the mouthwash on the counter and took hold of the carton. Lexa felt for the cap and made quick work of it before taking a brief sip; honestly, Clarke wasn't sure why Lexa wouldn't open her eyes, but she wasn't about to complain if it meant the girl's temperament remained the same.

Another hum escaped the girl, eyebrows rising in turn as Lexa licked her lips. "That's...delicious." The girl spoke, small hints of a smile curling at her lips.

"That's what I keep telling people. I'm glad you like it." Clarke shot back with a wider grin, enjoying that softer side rising to Lexa's surface, one she'd only been able to appreciate from a distance. _Even that tiny smile is just...it's freaking swoon-city. What I would do to those...okay, Clarke. Focus. She's drunk, you're sober. Get a grip._

"This is strange." Lexa let out after a few seconds of silence had passed, brow starting to furrow slightly. It wasn't enough to temper Clarke's improved mood, but it did have her a little concerned. However, Lexa managed to speak again before she could ask for some clarification. "We're in a washroom, talking to each other. We're supposed to be rivals, and we're talking about juice."

Lexa's sheer confusion and disbelief seemed to be pushed into that last word, as if it was so unbelievable that two young women could talk about their favourite drinks. Even if they were so-called rivals.

"I never planned it that way...the whole rivalry shtick. I definitely thought you were going to Clarkson or Minnesota, not to one of our cross-town rivals...but here we are." Clarke noted thoughtfully, giving a shrug at the magnitude of coincidence that had fallen into her life.

"Don't downplay our rivalry during high school. This isn't new for either of us. You were always so annoying, such a pest when we played against each other." Lexa stated firmly, that anger and frustration from before returning, though maybe not to the same levels. Not to hatred, at least not yet.

Clarke let out a sigh and perched herself on the counter space beside Lexa. "I never really thought of it as a rivalry, Lexa. You were the Amanda Kessel of our regional circuit, like Sidney Crosby playing against house league players. When I first played against you, I finally saw Olympic talent up close and personal." Clarke explained with as much care and calm into her words as to not sound too weird. She didn't idolize Lexa or anything, after all. "You ran through me like a buzzsaw, and with each mistake I made, I saw the pure talent it took to exploit them. But I also saw ways I could have done better, if I were faster, more mobile, had better stick control, had better positioning, timed my pinches better, and everything. I saw a standard, and I saw it wasn't impossible to catch up to."

At that, Lexa's eyes finally opened, those green eyes piercing hers intensely, gauging something in her expression to determine...well, something else that Clarke wasn't sure of. Sincerity, maybe? Who knew? Lexa's brow furrowed deeper as colour took over the girl's face, a clear enough sign of some sort of anger that Clarke couldn't help but mourn that relaxed simplicity from minutes ago.

"How did that not make me your rival in your eyes?" Lexa asked, sounding more than a little like a member of the inquisition, but there was some hesitance to that anger. It came on stronger as the words came out, and the girl's eyes still held what Clarke thought might have been some hopeful caution, but was probably just skepticism.

"I'd get excited when I got to play you. I don't have your raw talent, I had to learn the game to keep up, and watching tape and doing non-stop training drills for practice every day couldn't teach me how to handle someone like you on the ice. Only you could." Clarke clarified, hoping that simpler explanation made some sense to the brunette.

Instead, Lexa's head shook slightly, jaw setting in anger. "Are you saying I don't know hockey? That I'm all tools and no toolbox?" Lexa demanded, growing angrier in that calm and silent, but deadly sort of way.

Angry enough for Clarke to step in quickly. "No, not at all." Clarke blurted out, which seemed to be taken as sincere, given Lexa's anger dropped away for full on skepticism. "Look, you can go into any game without knowing who you're playing, and dominate. You don't have to think two or three steps ahead all the time because you can read the play on the fly, adjust on the fly, all at top speed. And if something goes wrong, you still have the skill and athleticism to make up for it most of those times. Your mind can keep up with your skill and your body, that's rare."

As Clarke spoke, she watched Lexa's face growing slightly redder, which was a good sign given how pale the girl had been before. Still, it was a little confusing, given the girl wasn't angry anymore. Lexa swallowed hard twice, nodding slightly to herself before turning her gaze to the opposite wall, away from Clarke. "So what were you talking about, then?"

"Basically what I said. I'm not you...I don't have that raw athleticism or skill. I had to learn the game, study my opponents, and gameplan to be effective. I mean, I can wing it pretty decently if I have to, but I make my way on sheer effort, my memory, and my defensive play. For instance, that play last week leading to the tie goal? I watched tape of your team making that play four times this season. I saw it coming a mile away, and I adjusted so I'd cut you off from the pass. I knew I'd have a fifty-fifty shot at getting a breakaway, and my odds won out that time." Clarke clarified, smiling at the memory of having been able to help her team earn a tie.

"You won't get so lucky next time." Lexa grumbled, rather than growled, so Clarke knew that those words weren't so much a threat as a complaint. It was a nice shift in hostility, to be frank.

"Maybe, maybe not. All depends on if your coach considers matching our lines up for once." She shot back, but their discussion had certainly trailed far off topic, and Clarke decided to reel it back in. "But enough about hockey. Tonight's Octavia's birthday, and we came here to have fun, celebrate, and to outshine the others just a little...and I'm pretty sure we've accomplished that."

Lexa let out a quiet groan. "Griffin, you realize that I nearly puked in front of the group a little while ago?"

Clarke leaned over and shoulder nudged the brunette. "Well, we'll just have to figure out a way to erase that from their memories, won't we?" She asked with a grin, earning another of those tiniest of smiles from Lexa that honestly had her heart feeling as if she'd just been sprinting. It was a bit of a breathless experience, but she managed to draw in enough to continue. "But enough with the Griffin crap. I'm not in the military, you can use my first name."

Lexa's eyes found Clarke's again, all intense and curious. "I'll see if I can handle that...Clarke."

Suddenly, the blonde wasn't sure if she made a terrible mistake, because had she not been already sitting, her legs would have gone a little weak at how her name sounded on Lexa's lips. Hell, Clarke needed a second or two to realize she was biting her own lip in response to it all, and if that wasn't a little embarrassing, she wasn't sure what was, given how she absolutely KNEW she had a 'look' when she was aroused. O and Raven made fun of her about it all the time, so clearly Lexa would be able to tell so long as she was even half as perceptive as Anya. _I have to stop making a fool of myself...but if she keeps being so fucking gorgeous around me, then what hope do I have?_

Lexa took a long drink from the peach nectar and grabbed the eyeliner Clarke had laid out for her. It wasn't much, but Lexa applied it with wizard-like precision and speed, adding a few swipes of Clarke's mascara to finish the simpler look. Not that Lexa looked any less enchanting or fierce without the eyeshadow. "We should probably get going." The girl noted quietly as she washed her hands and toweled them off.

At that, Lexa pivoted and marched off and out the washroom door, nearly bumping into Anya, who was right outside, whether having waited there, or perhaps had coincidentally just arrived. Clarke would have placed her bets on the former, if she had to. Anya was far too protective to let Lexa vanish from her sight at a party for more than a few minutes.

Clarke took a few moments to pack up her things and enjoy the calm, tension-less atmosphere now that Lexa was gone. She'd see the brunette soon, within a minute or two, but she needed a breather to center herself again and focus. It was only about eleven thirty, there was still plenty of party left.

She let out a groan at that thought. _It's gonna be a long, long night..._

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I guess I'm breaking the party up into thirds, because when I finished this chapter (which ran longer than I thought it would), and looked at my outline, I had around 6-7k words left of material for the event, and so I figured it'd be more digestible in 7k-ish installments.
> 
> I'd been eagerly waiting to get to the first real meaty Clexa scene, and to get to Anya/Raven stuff...mission accomplished?
> 
> Anywho, thanks so much for supporting this story, and for reading! I hope you've had a great first half of September so far :)


	5. Chapter 5

Lexa couldn't help but be relieved that the party was starting to wind down. It'd been fairly hectic for the past while with some faster-paced drinking games and karaoke, and while Lexa didn't hate that kind of party environment, it definitely wasn't her scene, making her feel a little out of place refraining from drinking anything but water or the delightful peach nectar Clarke had gifted her with. Though, as she considered her current state, it seemed it had been long enough for her body to have settled down and pushed free of the nausea from before. _Another cooler or two wouldn't hurt...and it would certainly help me out with how often I catch Griffin staring at me...what does she want?_

The night, as a whole, had been a good one, even if it had Lexa more confused than ever, something her increasingly tired mind wasn't very capable of dealing with. Combine that with more mindless rounds of truth or dare as the party was slowing down, and Lexa largely just wanted to go home for a well-deserved and restful sleep, leaving her confusion for another day.

Especially if it meant never having to hear Octavia try to sing again, the girl having just finished some offensively bad Christina Aguilera karaoke. While half the room had playfully cheered the birthday girl on, Lexa was part of the other half who had groaned at the display of tone-deafness, and she didn't feel like enduring another such trial any time soon.

"Lexa...Lexa!" She heard Anya blurt out, a sharp elbow jamming at her ribs a bit, drawing Lexa away from her thoughts to the realization that her cousin was staring hard at her. "Next time around, don't be a nerd, choose dare."

Which, whatever. Lexa was a bit of a nerd, and didn't find the term offensive. Anya did have a bit of a point, though, in that she had been avoiding dares ever since she'd done that body shot off Raven a few hours ago. Ever since Clarke had rushed out of the room and a deep pit had formed in her stomach, really.

Not that Lexa had hoped to, or even cared to attract the blonde, but the notion of Clarke finding her disgusting or revolting was perhaps a little depressing. And even though she'd gone a few hours without drinking, she was still affected enough by the alcohol to feel a little sad about that. So maybe Lexa took that opportunity to open up a fresh cooler. And maybe that thought bounced around her head a while before she realized she'd downed half of it in a single go. And maybe she'd needed a little help coming to that realization.

"Easy, little one. Okay, maybe you just stay away from dares, then." Anya muttered, snatching the half-empty bottle from Lexa's hands, and bringing the brunette back to reality. On one hand, she wasn't immediately nauseous. On the other hand, it appeared Clarke was up next, what with Octavia and Raven prodding at the flustered blonde.

For what it was worth, Clarke had been a good sport all night in this game. The girl had chosen dares each and every time she was called upon, something the room seemed to appreciate. Well, even if Lexa wouldn't have minded hearing some truths, though that was a purely educational interest, in wanting to understand her rival better. Nothing more.

"Okay, okay, give me another dare, O." Griffin let out, mock-scowling at her roommate.

"I dare you...to sing your favourite love song to the hottest person in the room!" The birthday girl practically yelled her dare, following it up with loud laughter as Clarke immediately went beet red. For good reason, likely; Clarke didn't seem the type to half-ass much of anything, given the Taylor Swift medley earlier had been performed with sincerity and professionalism, as had Griffin's two other karaoke performances since. Honestly, the idea of Clarke singing someone a love song didn't feel right, that same deep pit in her stomach twisting at her insides again.

"Octavia, come on, don't put this on Clarke, leave it for my next turn." Lincoln noted with an expectant look that usually for him what he wanted in the Pine household, but apparently Octavia wasn't having it.

"No way, I shouldn't have to dare my boyfriend to sing something nice to me. So since _you_ won't sing to me, at least _someone_ will be getting in on some vocal loving tonight." Octavia shot back, and though Lexa could understand the birthday girl's point, since Lincoln never sang anything ever, she didn't understand why Clarke had to sing in his place. Especially with Clarke looking so uncomfortable, an expression Lexa might have enjoyed a few hours earlier, but didn't quite appreciate right now.

Though, by how loud Bellamy, Jasper, and Harper were being in goading Clarke and sending her odd gestures and expressions, Lexa felt that perhaps she might be in the minority on the matter.

Clarke's almost pained sigh immediately dragged her attention back to the wary-looking blonde, Griffin staring hard at her roommate. "What do I have to do to take a pass on this dare?"

"Nuh uh, you're sober, so you can't take the usual drinks. You have to do it!" The Blake girl exclaimed, drawing more cheers from some particularly interested members of the group.

"Are you serious?" Clarke asked, shoulders slumping, head tilting slightly in apparent disbelief. Which Lexa could understand; usually sober people had different rules for passing on questions, she'd never heard of it being forced. Usually someone just chose a worse or more embarrassing dare.

"Hey, you can sing what your eyes have been doing all night long, you're a big girl." Bellamy added with a grin that Lexa didn't trust. It was clearly a little predatory, and he was having fun at Griffin's expense, something that Lexa couldn't feel comfortable with. Mostly because she and Anya were the ones who were supposed to enjoy Clarke being uncomfortable. Also, getting Griffin to confess her feelings through song to her apparent crush, which was probably Raven, just seemed insensitive and kind of mean. There were more noble ways of teasing a person. "If you need a counter dare, then it's making out with that certain person for thirty seconds."

The absolute abrasiveness of the counter dare had Lexa seething, that pit in her stomach twisting painfully into a vortex of uncomfortable hate as Octavia laughed and nodded eagerly at the new condition of Clarke's dare. She almost even got up to berate the host when Clarke just stood up and walked over to the stage where her guitar had been resting. She could see the stunned expression on the blonde's face, could hear Griffin muttering ' _fuck_ ' over and over, eyes glazed as the girl tuned her guitar.

It didn't take long until Clarke had apparently finished, turning to face the room and give a small shake of her head at the birthday girl. It all had Lexa a little anxious, uncertain who exactly the blonde would sing to; who those blue eyes would gaze at while sweet words and melodies tumbled from her lips. Lips that let out a sigh, anxiety leaving those calming blue eyes as Clarke cautiously walked closer to her side of the room, fingers playing away at a smooth melody.

"Come away with me in the night..." Clarke sang, voice smooth like velvet, each word washing over her like a spring breeze, warm enough to relieve but chilly enough to have her covered in goosebumps.

Lexa jabbed her elbow at Anya, needing her cousin to pay attention, because Clarke was going to sing to her, and Anya was a little too tipsy to be focused enough to realize it without help. And given her cousin's interests, Anya would definitely want to know if she were being sung to, so Lexa gave a second, if lighter, jab. Besides, it was a good thing, because whatever minimal attraction she held for the blonde would surely fade after seeing her cousin all close with the girl. Anya hadn't dated in forever, and was a big romantic, so a song would certainly...

_...what?_

Lexa's mind went blank when, instead of rounding the loveseat to get closer to Anya, Clarke perched up on the armrest beside her, eyes focused directly on her, even if those eyes were void of anything but tiny shreds of worry. Odd, given the usual level of emotion and expression they tended to give, and gave in previous performances.

"And I wanna walk with you on a cloudy day...in fields where the yellow grass grows knee high. So won't you try to come?" Clarke continued, that soft and fragile voice doing strange, conflicting things to her; it set her nerves on fire and narrowed her focus to the blonde, just as her body warmed immensely, the mixture of song and whatever else quickly lulling her into relaxation.

But not nearly relaxed enough to kill her confusion. _She's singing to me?_ She pondered in disbelief, eyes growing wider against her will as she calculated the implications of that. _Octavia said...and she sounds so sincere...like she does want me to come away with her...not...not that I would, but...she...this was a dare to sing to the most beautiful person in the room...wasn't it? But that would mean..._

Lexa nearly startled at the realization, memories from earlier in the party flashing alongside her recollection of Clarke taking care of her in the washroom, being gentle with her, being vulnerable with her to keep her from feeling too embarrassed about vomiting. The thought of going away with Clarke was a little enticing, even in her drunken and tired state, her mind wandering off to what they might accomplish in such an adventure in the beautiful wilderness before Anya's voice rang out in her head. _Lexa no!_

She fought a frown initially at the conflict she was presented with, in maintaining her rivalry, or pursuing something new, something her internal Anya was warning her from. She succeeded, at least until she saw Clarke's eyes glimmer slightly as the girl continued onto the next stanza.

"Come away with me, and we'll kiss..." Clarke sang, voice hanging ever so slightly on that last word, the blonde's eyes fluttering closed as her muted professionalism took over again. "...on a mountain top. Come away with me and I'll never stop loving you..."

Lexa felt her stomach twist as Clarke delivered those lines without the eye contact they'd held beforehand, even if she understood it. Being forced to sing a love song to another person was different than singing any old song; Clarke apparently singing it to someone she was attracted to, well, Lexa could appreciate the slip from full sincerity with words that seemed to mean a lot to both of them. Even if it still would have been nice to hear with those blue eyes matching her gaze. _It's silly, though...it's a silly fantasy, but it wouldn't happen...Sure, maybe if we DID go away together for a while, something could happen. We could go on so many walks, I could show her so many gardens, and parks, and rivers, and... But...well, it's best we just stay away from each other then...definitely a safer bet...I certainly don't want to kiss her lips, especially on a mountaintop. Probably windy up there, and we'd have to hold each other, and...and my face would be so close to her lips, her neck, her...LEXA NO_

Clarke's head dipped, her hands working out an elaborate solo of sorts, which Lexa was thankful for, because she needed to catch her breath a bit, and needed to just figure out what to feel. Because this was unexpected, and this was not supposed to happen, and these feelings around being wanted were not at all what Lexa had wanted.

But now, mid-song, maybe she could admit that a part of her was really happy. A part of that she'd locked away for years now, a part of her that honestly scared her to death, but Clarke's voice was keeping that fear at bay somehow. And with how oppressive and persistent that fear had been for so long, so painfully long, Lexa wasn't sure she could trust it to stay away. _As sweet at her song is, it won't last. It can't...she can't..._

Lexa was confident of that. Lexa was resolute.

And then Clarke's bright blue eyes fluttered open again, ripe with yearning and gracing her with that elusive warmth that had Lexa sinking into the cushions, suddenly not so certain even a brief getaway with the blonde would be so bad.

"And I want to wake up with the rain falling on a tin roof, while I'm safe there in your arms...so all I ask is for you...to come away with me in the night." Clarke sang, those intense emotions in her eyes matched in full by her voice; Lexa could hear how earnest the girl's longing was, how Clarke yearned to escape with someone, to enjoy simple pleasures in magnificent places, far away from their current worlds.

_Lexa yes?_ She wondered absently as she enjoyed the image Clarke's words painted in her imagination; the both of them off at her uncle's cabin, early in the spring, rain pitter-pattering on the roof as the sun started to peek over the horizon in pockets of orange and blue through the cloud cover. They'd be sharing her bed, Clarke tangled up and snug in her arms, all awash in the hazy morning light, the blonde smiling softly up at her as they greeted the new day together. It was a nice dream, and for a moment, she could see it, smell it, feel it, before the rest of her caught up.

For a split second, Lexa chided herself for projecting, knowing rainy days always brought out her loneliness, even before Costia, but especially since. For a moment, she doubted that sincerity, but watching those emotions swirling in Clarke's eyes fade away into a placid, empty gaze was proof enough that she'd witnessed something in Clarke. Something had slipped out that the blonde hadn't quite tamped down on, and that had Lexa anxious. That was dangerous.

"Come away with me..." Clarke trailed off, hands still over the guitar strings for a few fleeting moments before the blonde was spinning off the armrest, practically tossing the guitar onto Lexa's lap. Before Lexa could even react, Clarke had left the room in a fury, and in a hurry, and she honestly had no idea what to do.

Her first instinct was to go after the blonde, oddly enough, but Anya had pushed Lexa back down onto the loveseat before she'd even realized she'd been getting up. "She needs a friend right now." Her cousin whispered, Lexa watching helplessly as Octavia stumbled off the couch, clearly acknowledging Lincoln's prodding by chasing after her roommate. And sure, Lexa could understand what Clarke needed at the moment, but it didn't change how she felt, even if she was conflicted over that particular detail. Clarke sang to her, Clarke was upset because of it, so shouldn't she be there to share that burden? Wasn't that the right thing to do? Of course Lexa understood that Clarke needed her friend, but she didn't particularly have to _like_ that it meant her own absence. And as Anya pulled her into a sideways hug, Lexa let herself like that, too, even if the prospect of hugging Clarke was more immediately satisfying. Even if Lexa knew full well that she should be worried about feeling that way, scared about feeling that way.

Any chance that she'd just experienced a waking dream vanished as she looked around the room, finding the majority of people were staring at her, gauging her response, some apparently grinning at the situation she'd be put in. Still, some seemed entirely awestruck, or at least thoroughly confused.

Lexa shifted in her seat and faced forward, towards the wall, her hands resting on Clarke's guitar and her eyes locked on the remaining coolers. The night had already been a bit of a mess; why not drink a little more so Anya could bring her tired self home?

Yes, for once, Lexa could use a little more alcohol. She'd deal with everything tomorrow.

* * *

It was twenty after two in the morning, and Anya was pretty certain that she and Lexa needed to find a way home, because her cousin had seriously flamed out after downing another half of a cooler, and Anya was feeling the pull towards sleep herself.

Frankly, it was about time. Ever since Clarke and Octavia blew out of the room close to fifteen minutes ago, the party had kind of sagged, the games ended, and people were mostly just telling stories. Which, while Anya wasn't entirely averse to all the others in her presence, she didn't find sticking around for another hour very appealing under those conditions.

_And the sooner I can leave this rancid washroom, the better..._ She mused in disgust at the lack of cleanliness of the club's facilities. Seriously sub-par, even if it had seen some traffic tonight. The amount of built-up grime covering the tile flooring and walls was obscene.

Anya quickly got to washing her hands, internally planning on a long and thorough shower when she got back to the dorms. She was just drying her hands off on the almost pointless paper towels when slightly muffled voices filtered through into the washroom.

"Just accept it, O. I'm not arguing with you over this." Anya heard Clarke demanded, drawing her closer to the doorway. If nothing else, Clarke had shown interest in both Lexa and herself tonight, albeit in different ways, and that made any opportunity to understand the blonde a valuable one.

"I just don't get why you're not coming back, too! Look, I'm sorry for fucking things up earlier, I didn't..." Octavia spoke, sounding far more emotional than usual; while the girl's anger still rose to the top, there was a solid undertone of fear there.

_Clearly, whatever talk they'd been having up until now hadn't gone so well..._ Anya thought to herself, eyes widening as Lincoln's voice filtered through the walls. Muffled, but she was familiar enough with him to understand.

"We bought the privacy screen for a reason, it wasn't a problem before, was it?" He asked, confirming Anya's suspicions that her brother and Octavia's relationship was further along than the two often alluded to.

"Stop, okay? This has nothing to do with the damn screen. It's your birthday tonight, O. You deserve some private time with him, so I'm giving you that. Bellamy's going to drive you. You get a night to yourselves, you don't have to travel a half hour out of the city to get to your place, Lincoln, and you can have some time to sleep in before your midterm tomorrow, O." Clarke asserted, the plan of sorts being fairly well thought out and certainly beneficial to her brother and his girlfriend. Clarke however...

"And where are you going to stay, Clarke? It's two in the damn morning, you can't just call one of your friends up and crash there! And Raven's roommates hate you, for some damn reason, so that's not going to work either!" Octavia shouted, voicing the same concern that Anya saw in the blonde's plan.

"I've got a friend who does shift-work, she should be getting home around now, and she'll be up for a few more hours. She's let me crash there before, she'll let me again, it's not a probl..." Clarke started, only to be interrupted by a loud bang on the wall that nearly startled Anya from the force.

"Every time you 'crash' at your goddamn friend's place, you come home exhausted as hell, and in need of a few hours of sleep, AND you won't even tell me who she is or let me meet her. It's fucking sketchy Clarke, and I don't believe for a second you'd choose to sleep on someone's couch tonight when you could have your own damn bed! Not unless you're avoiding me!" Octavia ranted, leaving Anya to wonder just how often the blonde refrained from sleeping in her dorms, and whether this 'friend' of Clarke's could be a girlfriend, given the description of how the girl would be upon returning home.

"I'm not avoiding you! It's your birthday, I had this planned in advance because I wanted to do something nice for you. This has NOTHING to do with that shit you pulled in there." Clarke shot back, and for what it was worth, the blonde sounded honest. Her gut was usually right on those sorts of things, and it came as a bit of a relief that Clarke was most likely just trying to be helpful, while her roommate was dragging other issues into that decision. Issues which apparently needed more discussion to clear up, by the sound of things.

"That's fucking bullshit! Stop being a damn _princess_ , and just let us deal with this, Clarke! So I fucked up whatever with Lexa...I saw an opportunity and I took it, and..." Octavia continued on, clearly not ready to give up on the original reason they'd been out there, only for Lincoln's voice to sharply interrupt.

"Octavia, let it go for now. You've both went over that long enough, and it's just making you more upset." He spoke, voice trailing off into lower, softer tones that had Anya's ear hovering an inch away from the wall to fully hear. No way she'd actually touch that grimy, disease-ridden surface.

Anya could hear Octavia's immediate growl of disapproval at Lincoln's request. "She's being stupid! You're being an idiot, Clarke!"

"Look, I've had enough, it wasn't your decision to make, O...not after everything you knew about me. Just like tonight's not your call. You're getting the dorm room tonight, so just deal with it. And if you need to yell at me so badly, you can catch me after I give Raven's car back, tomorrow." Clarke grit out with the kind of steely calm that reminded Anya of herself a little bit. It might have been impressive if she truly understood the context. "Anyway, happy birthday, O. Good night, Lincoln."

With that, Anya heard the clacking of Clarke's boots fading off, alongside Octavia making a slew of varied angry sounds. Honestly, she wasn't sure what had gone on between the two, but it seemed serious enough, given how close they were. There was a difference between merely butting heads and an emotional yelling match.

Anya waited around in the dingy washroom for around two minutes, not wanting to let out that she'd overheard, and not exactly wanting to in turn cause a scene. Thankfully, as she spied the premises from the doorway, all parties had gone their separate ways. Feeling better now that she was free of the disgusting washroom, she made her way back to the party, passing Bellamy, Monty, Jasper, Lincoln, and a sullen Octavia. She nodded at her brother, seeing he wasn't in much of a position to offer a better goodbye, quickly earning one in kind from him.

Clearly, the party was over, so it wasn't surprising when she entered the room and saw Clarke packing up her guitar, and a drunken sleepy Lexa staring longingly at the blonde from her spot on the loveseat. Anya let out a sigh at the sight. _Such a useless lesbian...I swear..._

Her entrance caught Clarke's attention, though, bright blue eyes fixating on her as she made her way back towards Lexa.

"Hey, do you two have a way home?" The blonde asked her, stilling Anya in her tracks, having expected something entirely different from the woman.

"I have cab fare. It's handled." She let out cautiously, the blonde's previous conversation playing in her head. _If Clarke has nowhere to stay, then...oh..._ Anya mused to herself, coming to the realization just as Clarke's mouth opened.

"I've got a car, and Raven lives near the NU campus. I could drop her off, then the both of you. It'd be maybe five minutes out of my way, the least I could do, all things considered." Clarke spoke, words softening near the end as the blonde once again surprised her. She'd expected Clarke ask to bunk out with them, not simply offer a ride.

Especially not as some sort of way to 'make up' for earlier. The song for Lexa hadn't exactly been a catastrophe on their end; honestly, it was more than a little sweet and romantic, even if Clarke was seemingly forced to perform under the threat of more blatant harassment. That Clarke had performed the song, instead of exposing Lexa to misdirected potential taunts and jeers, had been a mark in the 'good' column for the blonde. While Anya knew Lexa could handle herself, people putting in the effort to protect her cousin, at the expense of themselves, was noble.

"It would still leave you far from your dorms. I couldn't ask it of you." Anya retorted, if only to give herself an in for figuring out what Clarke had planned for that night.

"It's a fifteen minute drive, less than that in the dead of night. Besides, Octavia and Lincoln have the dorm to themselves tonight, I'll be checking in at a friend's." Clarke explained, slipping the locks of her guitar case shut.

"I'm curious what kind of friend you have that would be open to drop-ins after two in the morning." Anya noted as she rifled through her bag, making sure everything was where it was supposed to be. Thankfully, everything seemed in its right place.

"He's good people, a family friend, and I just checked in with him to make sure it's alright." Clarke said, a brief bit of hesitation on her face only had Anya feeling more suspicious. What with Clarke having described the mysterious 'friend' as a woman to Octavia, and all.

Anya ignored the minor flutter of worry the blonde's words instigated and focused on the topic at hand. "How long have you known him? What's his story?" She asked, wondering what Clarke said that was truth, and what were lies.

"What's with the inquisition? You usually leave that for people dating your family." Clarke deflected, a bit of blush on her cheeks that could have been from avoiding the topic, or potentially from thoughts of dating Lexa. Either way, a deflection was a deflection, and Anya was unimpressed, something Clarke could apparently tell quickly. "Look, you can needle me in the car. Right now, Lexa looks ten seconds from passing out, and Raven's technically awake, but totally out of it."

Anya took a moment to weigh the pros and cons before allowing a nod and moving to her cousin's side. Thankfully, despite Lexa being entirely unstable on her feet, her cousin did well in pressing up against her as the four of them slowly made their way out of the building and to the old muscle car. She and Lexa took the back seat, knowing full well that Raven would get the front.

While Raven was pretty much out cold, slumped down in the front passenger-side seat, the car did help Anya a bit in understanding the sophomore. The nearly fifty year old car was spotless inside and out, restored to what she could imagine was near mint condition; from seating, to the dash, to the floor, to the wheel, there was clear dedication at work. Her own father being a bit of a gearhead, she'd come across a number of others who owned older model restored vehicles, but most had been modernized, or left weathered enough to know that the car was more of a sometimes hobby.

Raven seemed committed, and had an eye for detail. If Anya gained nothing else from the ride home, it was that, and those details were more than enough to fuel the embers of her curiosity.

It didn't take long to also confirm her suspicion that the car rode like a dream, Clarke safely maneuvering them towards the NU campus. As suspected, the roads were mostly barren given it was a Sunday night, which made it a little easier for her to appreciate the ride home. The sound of Eric Carmen's "Hungry Eyes" playing on the local oldies station, quietly as to not disturb the others in the car, only had Anya wondering if Raven shared her interest in the music. Whatever the case, she allowed herself to enjoy the moment, humming along lowly to the wonderful tune.

As Clarke had predicted, it wasn't terribly long before the blonde had pulled up to Raven's slightly run down home and helped the girl across the front lawn and into it. Without the frustration of Lincoln's love life, she could view the area with new eyes. The place wasn't in terrible shape, perhaps built nearly a century ago, with a garage added on decades later, even if the garage was well aged itself. The neighbourhood had clearly seen better days, as well, but Raven's home was among the better kept ones on the street from what she could tell. Clearly, Raven took care of her home, took some pride in it, and that mattered when the girl was fresh out of BC's dorms.

It was a longer wait than she'd thought before Clarke returned, Lexa having fallen into a deep sleep given the lack of noise and movement. It'd make it a little trickier to move her cousin, in the end, but at least they only lived on the second floor of Light Hall.

"So, where to, exactly?" Clarke asked, looking over her shoulder and into the backseat at her.

"Light Hall. Eighty-one Saint Stephen Street." Anya recited quietly, drawing a quick nod from the blonde, who pulled out of the driveway and onto the road. "So since you didn't answer my questions before, I'll ask again...how long have you known your friend? What does he do?"

"Going on eight years now. He works security, good friends with my dad, he helps me out when I need to crash." Clarke rattled off with ease, though Anya couldn't help but wonder if the girl had rehearsed that in her mind long enough to sound convincing.

"What's his full name?" Anya asked in return, earning a quick scoff from the driver.

"No way, I'm not letting anyone hassle him on my watch." Clarke shot back, clearly anticipating Anya's own refusal to accept those words, because within a second, they'd pulled over, and Clarke was staring back at her again. "Look, Jason's good, he's safe, I promise. He and my dad used to work together, and I used to babysit his little girl."

Again, Anya couldn't detect a lie, everything she was seeing and hearing seemed sincere enough. Which, of course, had her wondering if Clarke had lied to Octavia about these details. _And if so, why would she lie to her best friend, yet tell the truth to someone like me?_ She wondered, trying to put the pieces together to that puzzle, but failing. None of it made any sort of sense, and it wasn't just her moderately drunken mind limiting that.

"You could always crash at our dorm. When you need to." Anya spoke once the car got in motion again, shocking herself nearly to the point of gasping that such words had escaped her.

Now, Anya wasn't sure what happened to her higher functionality in that car after Clarke had gotten back to driving again, but she personally chalked it all up to temporary insanity. It was the only logical explanation. Wasn't it?

"I...I appreciate the offer, Anya. That you'd open your home to me...I'm not sure I can really express how much I appreciate that. I'll keep it in mind for another time, but right now, you two need a good night's sleep without having to deal with me. I'm not sure Lexa would appreciate me being around so soon, anyway. And again, I have a safe place to stay, I already let him know I was coming. But...thank you, again." Clarke rambled, clearly about as taken aback about the offer as Anya was.

Anya rolled her eyes, though more at herself for getting into that situation than at Clarke's words. That the girl had thought of her and Lexa's well-being tonight instead of being more selfish, well, maybe it had Anya feeling a little flustered. Enough to toss the beanie stuffed in her bag at Clarke's head. "You talk too much."

Maybe five or six minutes later, they pulled up by Light Hall, parking a few feet further than she'd hoped for, but it was to be expected given they'd got in late. Anya was just getting out of the car and moving around to grab Lexa when Clarke hurried around and went to do the same, prompting the older woman to cock an eyebrow in question. "I've got Lexa."

Clarke let out a tired sigh and leaned up against the Torino. "Look, I'm sober, you're drunk enough to be a little unsteady on your feet. Lexa's out cold, and even if you can wake her enough to walk her up, you're both going to be real unsteady. Let me help her up, you can handle the doors."

Anya processed Clarke's logic for a moment, then gauged the girl's worried expression. It was a little frustrating that the blonde seemed to care as much as she did, but she couldn't hate Clarke for that. Not when the girl was doing what she could to keep them from accidentally hurting themselves. Which wouldn't be anything major if something did happen, anyways, but it was interesting to know someone was looking out for them, for whatever reason.

"Fine. Be careful with her." Anya stated firmly, moving aside so Clarke could open the door and help a mostly asleep Lexa out of the car.

Slowly, they made their way to the building and through the front door, Lexa labouring a bit on the steps and needing the blonde to basically do the walking for her. Still, after a good five minutes of struggling, the three of them made it to the dorm room.

"Lexa would hate waking up in jeans, I'll get her settled. Can you get us some water?" Anya asked, not wanting to expose her cousin to Clarke to such an extent.

"Yeah, I've got an unopened bottle, and one empty in my bag that I could re-fill, would that do? Or I do go to the vending machine?" Clarke returned, clearly just wanting some direction on the matter instead of trying to decide for them.

"Lexa's far from a germophobe, she'll be fine with a refill." She noted, earning a smile and an unopened bottle of water from the blonde. Anya nodded and brought Lexa into the dorm room while Clarke went off in search of the washroom.

Anya slowly made their way over to Lexa's bedside and sat her cousin down before starting to remove the girl's jeans. She was on her third tug when a realization drilled its way through her slightly drunken mind, snapping her head up to gauge her cousin's posture and expression. _Slightly too tense...breathing a little too restricted and still, too quiet for how she usually is when she's out._ Anya mused, letting out a nearly muted scoff as she finished pulling the jeans off. It barely took half a minute to find and grab a pair of Lexa's sweats, her cousin still in the same position as before instead of slumped around on the bed like a maniac, as she usually would be when this drunk. _Oh, little one, what am I going to do with you?_

Just as she finished redressing Lexa, there was a brief knock at the door. Feeling a bit too frustrated at the moment to speak, Anya let out a grunt, set the bottle on her desk, and moved towards the door just as Clarke peeked it open. "You both good in here?" Clarke whispered, earning a stiff nod from Anya, who just knew she needed to get out of the room for a moment. To just goddamn think.

"Can you finish up with her? I need to brush my teeth." She halfway grit out, though if Clarke registered her annoyance, the blonde didn't give any sign of it.

"Yeah, I'll get her to bed, and set your bottles and Advil on your nightstands, alright?" Clarke asked, Anya just nodding again as she pushed past Clarke and out into the hallway, towards the washroom.

Lexa may have wanted to be asleep, but she wasn't, and Anya figured giving her cousin and Clarke some alone time could count for some well-deserved minor torment for letting her deal with Clarke alone, and for Clarke hauling her all the way to their room. If there was one thing Anya wasn't fond of, it was Lexa tricking her for something other than a good laugh. This was Lexa hiding from her problems, not wanting to face them head on, even though Anya knew the girl was strong enough to handle it.

Being able to brush her teeth was a fantastic reprieve, even if she knew her dentist wouldn't appreciate the aggression in her brushing methods. It was better than releasing her frustration most other ways, especially since she still wasn't entirely steady on her feet, even if her mind was up to snuff.

The night had just been a bit of a whirlwind. Meeting all those new people, the discussion with Raven, all the looks Clarke had cast her and Lexa's way; which, hell, was only amplified by whatever Clarke and Lexa had gotten into in the washroom for a good ten or so minutes. Then the song, the blowout between Clarke and Lincoln's girlfriend, the argument over the ride home and lodgings, and now Lexa playing possum. It was a lot to digest, and Anya knew she had plenty of time to spread all that out over the coming week, but it didn't change the fact that it'd likely keep her awake for a while tonight.

That such an annoying realization went hand in hand with a minor thought of asking Clarke to stick around and talk...well, it wouldn't be entertained. Even if she DID want more insight on the blonde who had potentially laid her heart out to Lexa earlier that night. That potential dynamic complicated, well, everything. Anya always liked to keep herself ahead of those kinds of changes, but she just didn't have the energy or patience to deal with inviting Clarke to stay, especially since the blonde was starting to grow on her.

An unexpected turn of events, certainly, but Anya figured they were similar enough in some areas. Even her booze-addled mind could understand that a fleck of kinship could warp her mind sometimes. A non-family member was inevitably going to manage the feat, Clarke just happened to be the first. Not a big deal.

_I'll deal with her when the time comes...and tonight is not that time..._ she mused to herself on the way back to her room, stilling at the doorway to watch Clarke scribbling something on her desk. Anya peered around the room, noticing the bottles of water set up, two pills laid out beside each. Also, Lexa was fully tucked into bed, laying on her side and facing the wall, away from the blonde and herself.

"Oh, hey, I wasn't sure how long you'd be, I was...well..." Clarke whispered out, having caught her looking at her cousin. The blonde crumpled up her note and dropped it in the nearby trash. "Anyway, it's drafty in here, so I got her under the covers. Didn't want her to catch a chill. Your water and pills are set out, too."

Anya met Clarke's gaze and offered a silent nod, entering the room and taking a seat on her bedside. "Thank you."

Clarke stood around for a second or two more before nodding to herself and offering Anya an oddly kind smile. "I'll head out now, so I hope you sleep well and you don't have too bad of a hangover tomorrow. Just keep hydrated...I can't do anything about Lexa, but you should drink some water before going to bed, alright?"

"I will." She noted softly, prompting Clarke to move toward the door. A stray thought finally wormed its way past her internal defenses, taking a ride on her impatience, stilling the blonde at the door as it was voiced. "Did you do this for Raven?"

Clarke leaned against the doorframe and let out a small laugh, running a slightly shaky hand through her hair. "Raven would have wanted me to stay here, keep an eye on you two. I know you can handle yourself, and Lexa, too." The blonde said, letting out another low laugh as the girl shook her head. "She thinks you're interesting Anya, but she's not going to pressure you. Annoy you, maybe, but if you say no, she'll respect it. If you need time to figure her out, you've got it."

Anya took in Clarke's words that managed to answer a few basic questions that had floated around in her mind. She still wasn't sure what to think about either newcomer, but she at least mustered a wave and watched Clarke leave the room and shut the door. _Idiot girl..._ She internally groused to herself, feeling annoyance at how much she was warming up to the blonde.

It had been a long night, and Anya's body suddenly felt much more tired than it had mere seconds ago, the darkness and quiet lulling her towards sleep. She sluggishly made her way under the covers and settled in, facing across the room, eyes scanning the Lexa-sized lump on the other bed that was suspiciously still.

"I'll tolerate cowardice just this once, Lexa. We'll work it all out tomorrow." She spoke, her soft, quiet voice breaking the room's deafening silence, a barely audible sniff from across the room following it up. Internally, she cursed herself, knowing she probably should have expected as much from her cousin, after everything. Some wounds had healed, but others had been covered up with bandages and left raw, not healing well, if at all. For all the work she'd done with Lexa after Costia, there was still bound to be flare-ups if her little one was touched by emotions she hadn't felt since back then.

Feeling a little guilty for underestimating the severity of the situation, Anya slipped from her bed and crossed the room, not expecting either would get much sleep tonight as she pulled Lexa's covers back and settled in behind her cousin. "We'll find a way through this together, little one. I promise. Let it out here, I have you, you're safe." She murmured as Lexa's breathing grew ragged and descended into vocal anguish, Anya just wrapping her arms snugly around her cousin, holding her together as she fell apart.

_But I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep, and miles to go before I sleep..._ Anya mused to herself, letting her eyelids fall shut feeling more than a little fortunate there wasn't an early morning practice that morning, and that both of their first classes were early afternoon.

It had been a damn long, confusing night.

* * *

Clarke was acutely aware of how tired her body was as she stepped into the foyer of the apartment complex; even if her brain was firing on all cylinders, she really did need to rest up. Thankfully, Jason was at the security desk and not making his hourly rounds, given she'd forgotten her elevator key at her dorm.

"Hey Nyko, easy night tonight?" Clarke asked with an easy smile at her father's old friend.

"As easy as always. Miss Rutherford's cat's been making some noise, but aside from that, business as usual." He noted with a grin, watchful eyes giving her a good look over. "Let me guess, you forgot your key again."

Clarke let out a laugh, knowing the man could hardly ever be fooled over when she was feeling embarrassed. "Guilty as charged. Can you let me up?"

"Of course. I know it's technically still the weekend, but you need to get a good night's sleep one of these days, Clarke. Your father would be tearing his hair out if he was here right now." Jason shot back, standing up from his chair and leading the blonde over to the elevators. "I promised him I'd look after you, you know."

"As if you don't remind me every time I come by, Nyko. I'm fine...it was my roommate's birthday, and I rolled designated driver, and things ran a bit late getting everyone home safe and sound." She explained as he slid the key into the lock and called the elevator down.

"Just make sure you take care of yourself, sometimes, too. You're just like your father, Clarke...always everyone else first, with you." He noted, setting the elevator up for Clarke's floor and ushering her in.

Clarke considered laughing off his words with some witty dismissal, but she simply lacked the energy for it tonight, after everything. "I know. I promise I will...I am." She spoke, nearly wincing at her slip, though it wasn't as if he hadn't known how she'd been over the past while. It wasn't as if she'd revealed anything new; she'd just simply put it to words.

"You sleep well, Clarke." The man spoke, offering a simple nod and a sad smile as he stepped out of the way and let her continue on upstairs. They were close, but there were limits to that, and he'd learned not to push her.

As the doors to the elevator closed, and she began her ascent to the eighth floor, she leaned against the railing and shook her head over the night's ending. What had started out as a wonderful party had ended as a bit of a wreck, and had Clarke honestly wondering what the hell was wrong with herself. It wasn't like her to mix her stories up, consistency was something she'd long understood to be a key in being convincing, but when Anya had set those sharp eyes on her, she'd felt like she was under a microscope. She'd slipped the tiniest bit, and suddenly she'd been faced with juggling two separate stories.

That Anya had gotten a vague form of the truth didn't escape her, even if she wasn't sure what to make of that just yet. The intense woman had earned a bit of her trust in treating Raven well that night, and showing clear support for Lexa throughout the night. Clarke could respect that kind of loyalty, and she was happily surprised that Raven had come away all smiles about Anya. People who made her friends happy were worthy of her efforts, that had always been her stance, and Anya wasn't any different in that.

But still, there was something different there, something Clarke hadn't pinned down, only complicated by Anya's offer of shelter earlier that night. Even with the woman drunk, she knew Anya wouldn't say anything she didn't mean in the strictest sense, so there was definitely something there. Clarke idly hoped it was friendship as she stepped out of the elevator and made her way to the rightmost entrance, unlocking the door and resting her hand on the doorknob.

With a deep breath, Clarke entered her father's old condo, seeing it was exactly the same as she'd left it. She swiftly locked the door and made her way over to the fridge and grabbed the grocery list there, knowing there was a better chance of her remembering to pick things up if the list was on the bedside table when she woke up. She'd return the Torino, grab her SUV, and go on a grocery run before classes began. _Still have enough for a decent breakfast, though..._

Her morning plans worked out, leaving herself a mental note to go the load of sheets before breakfast, and to maybe tidy up the living room a little, Clarke made her way into the washroom and got to her usual nightly routine.

It was about as efficient as a routine could be, but Clarke let herself take her time, knowing her mind wasn't about to slow down for a while yet. No need to rush into the bedroom and just lay there for forever. Not that the bed wasn't comfortable, and not that she hadn't changed the sheets after the clients earlier Sunday afternoon, but it was always a bit of a difficult place for her to feel settled in.

It had been different years ago, when she'd visit her dad, and he'd sleep on the couch while she took the massive bed. At least then, even if he wasn't in sight, she knew someone else was with her. These days, she was alone as ever there, and while sleeping in her dorms was a big help, Octavia was gone more often these days. And often enough, sometimes Lincoln would stay over, and it never failed to make her feel like she was intruding.

Clarke let out a sigh as she finished brushing her teeth, moving to the final step of cleaning her face. _Maybe I need to stop that. Not O and Lincoln, but...distancing myself. I always just...take the lead and be that instead of a friend, and use it as an excuse to keep people away. Which is fucking dumb because I hate when I do that..._

She shook her head at herself and looked hard at herself in the mirror. _Maybe I did start all that shit tonight. Maybe..._ She started, letting out a sigh, crumpling up the face wipe and tossing it in the trash. _Maybe I at least let O and Bellamy sabotage whatever...whatever the hell Lexa and I were building tonight. Safer to keep distance and not try, right? Hasn't that been my M.O. lately? Since Finn? To just let things die? Killing my close friendship with O, killing anything before it started with Lexa, a good two for one?_

Finished with her routine, she made her way into the bedroom and flopped down onto the bed. _I need to stop doing this...maybe I don't need a relationship, but I do need friends. I can help my people out and still be close with them...I've shown that with Raven, I did with O before tonight...I can do this right?_ She mused, turning her head to the picture frame of her and her father, enjoying her tenth birthday at a Capitals game. It was a favourite of hers, and one of a select few from that day that didn't include her mom, which made it all the more heartwarming. _I can do this, right, dad?_

Clarke reached over to her phone, dismissing all the client alerts from the night, and set her alarm for mid-morning, hoping that she could hold this momentum through the rest of the week. Perhaps she could mend whatever bridges she'd burned, or at least scorched a bit. Not that she was solely at fault, but she knew Octavia was just trying to help, even if her roommate had dragged Lexa into a mess, and had been hardheaded and stubborn in ignoring everything she'd told the girl about her lack of a love life. Especially the reasons why it had to stay that way, even though Lexa was really, really pretty and a little fascinating.

She didn't have to shut O out earlier though, even if she DID need a night away to process. Even if that night away was at her father's old place.

That earlier invite to crash at Anya and Lexa's dorm bounced around in her mind a bit, even if it was a bit unrealistic. Still, it was a nice thought, and Clarke closed her eyes and focused on that as she willed herself to rest. Maybe sleep wouldn't come for a while, but at least her body could have a bit of a break.

At least until the morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Welp, that took a bit longer than expected, but the birthday party is officially over, and the ground is largely laid for future developments. This, I suppose, is the end of the opening arc of the fic. Stage is set and all that.
> 
> I went with some feedback, Clarke's song being lowkey romantic (at least in comparison to other options). Anywho, I hope you enjoyed it!


	6. Chapter 6

"I'm not STALKING her, for Christ's sake. It's just more convenient for me to work out there, is all." Raven argued for about the fifth time since they'd left the girl's home, en route to NU's gym, where Raven apparently held a membership.

"Of course, of course. That Anya is there, like, at least once a day has nothing at all to do with it." Clarke shot back with a grin, happy to tease the shit out of her friend while she could.

"Hey, it's like if you're a really big fan of ice cream, and the closest place has a really cool employee there. The ice cream is the reason to go there, the worker's just a bonus." The girl genius added, though it was more than clear by her eventual huff that Raven knew she was fighting a losing battle. "Okay, whatever, I like working out there, knowing she could be around. It's also super packed at BC's gym right now, while NU's is just starting to slow down this time in the evening."

"I'm sure that's exactly why you're wearing your sexier workout gear today instead of the stuff you wear when I see you in BC's gym, or when you go out for a run." Clarke noted with a laugh, thinking that she spotted the faintest hint of blushing on her friend's face. "But in all seriousness, I respect that. You're confident, you want to convince her you're hot shit. I hope you do."

That, at least, brought a smile back to Raven's face. "You just want me to give you an in on Lexa, but thanks anyway for the support. I can officially say you're the only one on the team who's cheering me on in this."

"Hey, she makes you smile. Call me a sap, but that's a good thing. Better than hearing about Maya's creepy long distance boyfriend all the time, or Tsing's psychopathic ex. I mean, sure, Anya can be severe, but she's good people." Clarke spoke, though she could admit it was as much to herself as to Raven in the end. It had been a little over a week since the party, and she really hadn't come in contact much with the rival captain. "Talk to her at all since the party?"

Raven offered a small, unsure-looking nod. "Well, I wouldn't say we've talked...but I've talked to her. At the gym, three times." Her friend said before gnawing a bit at her lip in hesitation. "Mostly just hello and shit, but...I've kind of hit her up with...pick-up lines?"

Had Clarke been drinking from her bottle of water, she would have done a spit-take, but instead, all she could do was gape at Raven. "You...what?"

"I don't know, I think she finds them amusing." Raven added quickly, which only added to Clarke's confusion. "Look, she sort of liked them when I told her some at the party, so one day, I thought maybe I'd just...try again."

Clarke let out a long exhale, ideas of violent consequences flashing through her mind. "Well, at least you're still breathing, and alive. That's a good thing."

"Yeah, she doesn't really laugh at them, or whatever. And when she rolls her eyes, she's definitely not really annoyed or angry. So I think she's just amused. That's a good thing...I think." Raven rambled idly, before turning her focus fully back to Clarke. "You haven't talked to her since the party, either, right?"

Clarke shook her head. "No, I can't give you any more intel there. Like I said, I told her you were interested, and that you weren't the type to rush her into anything." She answered, offering Raven a reassuring smile as they reached the doors of the Marino Center. "Hey, for what it's worth, she says what she thinks, and she doesn't waffle. It's a good thing that she hasn't turned you away. Just...keep doing your thing, keep your head up, I'm sure you'll get an answer eventually."

A little hope didn't hurt, and it had Raven grinning like a lovesick idiot as they went into the building and got signed in, Clarke handing over ID to prove she was Raven's guest for the day. Soon enough, they were entering the third floor, and Clarke couldn't help but side-eye Raven when she spotted that Anya, Lincoln, and Lexa were clearly working out. Seemingly finishing their workout, if them being in the cardio section was any indication.

Clarke watched with a smile as Raven wandered off towards Anya, the older woman seemingly in the zone as she worked away on a stationary bike. Honestly, she'd done what she came there to do, escort Raven into the gym, but now that she was there, she figured she may as well talk to Lincoln about things with Octavia. Her roommate had hardly spoken to her since the birthday party, and seemed to actively avoid being home when Clarke was, and it was all kind of exhausting to deal with.

She made her way across the gym towards the man, but the sight of two somewhat over-buff guys hovering over Lexa while she worked on a rowing machine was enough to detour her. The girl had her headphones on and was clearly trying to ignore them, though by how Lexa's jaw was clenching, it seemed like their attention was both unwanted and disrupting her focus.

"Hey, boys?" She called out cheerfully as she approached, drawing both of their attention away from Lexa momentarily. "I was wondering if you could take some time out of your day to help me? See, I'm trying to shift my bodyweight workouts to implement weights, and I'm a little scared of having the wrong form when I'm doing squats. You both seem like you know what you're doing, so I was wondering if you could give me some pointers?" She asked, gesturing towards the far end of the room where the weight room equipment was.

If there was one thing horny gym rat dudes loved, it was the prospect of being able to lightly fondle women while showing off their hard-earned expertise. Clarke wasn't surprised when they practically jumped at the opportunity, immediately leading her across the room as both men tried to one up each other's useless advice.

At the very least, it made for an amusing couple of minutes as both men went on to explain, in detail, what proper form was, and all the steps of the workout. Each time they had her attempt, she'd play dumb midway, and ask for them to just show her again. By the third time around, she spotted Lexa getting off her rower, sparing Clarke a brief glance before heading out of the gym. Without an excuse to stick around, Clarke went for another try at a squat and, given it was a regular part of her workout at BC's gym, completed one with perfect form.

"Good form, Clarke." She heard Lincoln remark from her left. Her head swiveled towards the man, not having noticed his approach at all, and flashed a bright smile.

"Lincoln! Finished your workout today?" She asked casually, placing the heavy bar down and angling her body to close off the two guys she'd lured away.

"Yeah, just finished cardio. Didn't think I'd see you around these parts, what brings you by?" He asked, gesturing with his head to the exit. Clarke had no business left there, so she followed him, sparing Raven a quick look as they neared the exit. As expected, the girl was practically fawning over Anya, who seemed to at least be aware of Raven's presence.

"Raven works out here some nights, and since I'd been over at her place this evening, I walked over here with her." Clarke answered with an easy laugh at how transparent her friend was with her affections. "She's ridiculously into your sister, if you haven't caught on."

Lincoln just laughed at that, his features contorting into an amused grimace that more or less expressed 'good luck with that', which was predictable enough from what Clarke knew of Anya. "Some days I think I accidentally started a weird trend of you Eagles falling for my family. Octavia with me, Raven with Anya, you with Lexa..."

"Okay, I've hardly fallen for Lexa. I'll admit O is head over heels for you, and Raven...seems to adore Anya, but Lexa's just...intriguing. I like her, and she's gorgeous, but...pardon the pun...I don't _pine_ over people who aren't interested." Clarke explained, earning a deeply skeptical smirk from the man that was a tiny bit frustrating. She wasn't lying, she hadn't fallen for Lexa; she just found her intriguing, and admired her a bit, and thought she was maybe the most physically beautiful person she'd ever known. Love was another matter.

"And you know Lexa's not into you...how?" Lincoln merely asked, which Clarke was grateful for, since he could have asked much worse, more invasive ones. It seemed that unlike Octavia, he had tact; that was good.

"Between helping her after she vomited, and singing a song to her, I made how I felt pretty clear, Lincoln. I've heard nothing from her. I mean, hell, I'd be happy with a friendship, but apparently that's not in the cards, either." Clarke added, hoping to provide a little clarity to the situation. "I put myself out there, she passed on me. I'm not going to chase after someone who wants no part of me. Besides, I really don't have time to date, anyway, so it doesn't even matter."

"Whatever you say, Clarke. Just know Lexa's been different since Octavia's birthday." He shot back with a thoughtful glance in her direction. "Speaking of my girlfriend...how have you two been doing? I know she's been avoiding you, but..."

Clarke let his words trail off, expecting a little more, but apparently her roommate either hadn't vented at length to him about everything, or he knew and just wasn't sure where things were heading, and wanted her input.

"She's been distant for sure. Barely talks to me outside of grunts and monosyllabic words. I know she thinks I'm keeping all these secrets from her, but..." Clarke started, only to fail at finding the right words to describe her situation without giving anything important away. It wasn't like she didn't trust Lincoln in a general sense, but some things had to be kept close to her chest. "Well, it's a lot more complicated than she thinks."

"Octavia hates secrets, she's loyal, and she's your friend. I'm not sure how complicated it has to be." Lincoln spoke, hitting on a number of basic truths, but missing the big picture without the proper perspective.

"I know she hates being kept in the dark, so I get why she's angry at me, but...aren't people allowed to have some things to themselves? Some personal and private parts of their lives? I'm not hiding these massive life-altering things from her...sometimes things happen and we need time to ourselves to start getting through them, before we let other people in." Clarke clarified in a bit of a gamble, hoping to appeal to Lincoln's sense of empathy in hopes she could convince him to prod Octavia her way. Clarke wanted her roommate back. She wanted her friend back. "I still need time."

It wasn't just time that she needed, but that would be a start, for sure.

A strong hand patted at her shoulder as they reached the locker rooms. "I get it. I'll try to get her to listen, at least." He noted reassuringly, giving her a little hope that he might be able to get through to Octavia's stubborn self. "Hey, by the way, what are you doing for Thanksgiving? I hear you're from Virginia, too...are you heading back to see your family on Thursday, or leaving it for the weekend?"

The question honestly came out of nowhere, and Clarke couldn't help but fumble around for some sort of answer. Just the reminder of everything that had happened, and yet another consequence of the fallout, made it harder to focus. "I'm, uh, staying in Boston. You know...got a game that weekend."

Her explanation was pathetically and literally unbelievable, but Lincoln just nodded and offered a small, confused smile. "Well, I hope you can grab some turkey, anyway."

She just nodded and waved him off. "Thanks Linc, I'll catch you later." Clarke offered, before spinning on her heel and making her way to grab her coat and head back home.

There wouldn't be some overnight fix for sure, but Clarke hoped that her talk with Lincoln would get Octavia to come around enough to talk with her. Even if she got some strange questions about Thanksgiving, she could deal with that if O just talked to her again.

* * *

It hadn't taken Lexa long to appreciate the benefits of having a holiday shortened week. Being able to have two days to relax, gather with family, and indulge in her hobbies was more than a relief after a few weeks of being stuck in a routine consisting almost entirely of schoolwork, practices, games, eating, and sleeping. She'd spent all Thanksgiving day back in Virginia with her Aunt and Uncle along with the usual cast of Anya and Lincoln, and had spent much of Friday out and about in the city's nearby green areas, getting her last taste of fall before the first bits of wintery weather hit.

She'd only been back for about an hour, studying quietly as Anya worked diligently on one of her final papers, when Anya's phone buzzed. Lexa shared a confused glance with her cousin, knowing it was rare for someone to call in the early evening. Most happened in the morning, or at night, so Anya was understandably puzzled when she picked up her phone and checked the message.

And Lexa was confused even more when Anya simply rolled her eyes and marched out of the room without saying anything. For a minute or two, she wondered if it was Raven; the girl had clearly been hitting on Anya at the gym for the last week, and she was honestly waiting for her cousin to snap at the girl in annoyance.

Her body reacted before her brain when Anya walked back in with Clarke Griffin in tow, Lexa's face paling and stomach dropping at the sight of the girl who had serenaded her nearly two weeks ago. The girl who'd driven her home and took care of her drunken self with the same determination the blonde had shown her in the washrooms that night. The girl who came to her aid in the gym, and offered it without expectation of reward, even if the boys had only been slightly effective in throwing her off focus and annoying her.

Immediately, she schooled her deer-in-the-headlights expression and returned her focus to her studies, if just superficially while her brain caught up to reality. Improvising on ice was one thing, improvising in social situations with a girl she couldn't help but have feelings for was another. Especially when said girl was frantically searching through a backpack and making sounds of frustration.

"Look, if you're just going to make a mess of my dorm, Clarke, I'm going to have to rescind the already reluctant invitation I just gave you." Anya deadpanned, and Lexa could imagine her cousin standing at Clarke's side with her arms crossed, jaw jutting out ever so slightly in annoyance.

"Just gimme a...okay..." The blonde grit out, followed by the sound of a body sitting down hard on a bed.

"Yes, please, help yourself." Anya noted with her usual sarcasm, sighing when Clarke apparently didn't stand up from where she was seated. "Clarke, that notebook had better be a rare and expensive book for how you're..."

"I just need to talk to you two about Harvard, okay? And then I'm gone, I promise." Clarke interrupted, clear urgency in her voice, enough to draw Lexa's gaze up to gauge what was going on. As she looked the girl over, she saw none of the usual composure Griffin tended to have, and there was no grace in how the blonde held herself. There was anger in her posture, the girl's hands were shaking in some emotion likely linked to that rage, and the girl's jaw was clenched about as tightly as a bear trap.

But as her eyes took sight of Clarke's blues, she saw fear. Traces of anger in the faint lines around her eyes, but fear was broadcasting as clear as day, and one look at Anya's stiff posture let her know she wasn't the only one a little unsettled by that.

Anya gave a slow, thoughtful nod, holding eye contact with the blonde. "Your team faced them this afternoon." Her cousin noted, drawing out each syllable in question of the importance. As inconvenient as it had been, her cousin had tried to separate their hockey lives from their social lives, as many of the Eagles had managed, in order to foster relations between Lincoln and Octavia. It made little sense for Clarke to rush over to their dorm to discuss a hockey game.

Lexa had already accessed USCHO's website by the time her cousin had spoken, and saw an even more puzzling bit of data. "The Eagles won." She remarked hesitantly, unsure whether communicating would reel her deeply into whatever discussion the blonde seemed desperate to have.

"Only four to three." Griffin grit out, fists clenching and gripping at Anya's mattress.

"A win is a win, Clarke. Just like any other...we finish a game and move onto the next." Anya shot back quickly, still washed free of emotion in clear confusion over what was up with the blonde.

"Yeah, normally, but I want you to _crush_ Harvard tomorrow. Demoralize them at the very least." Clarke muttered with a shake of her head before taking a steadying breath or two.

Anya seemed to take something from that, moving from her standing position to sit beside the blonde. "I take it they got under your skin."

"They put my captain in the hospital. They were running her all night, the refs weren't calling anything, and they took her out in the third. Refs called it an accidental collision, but it severed Tsing's UCL, and she's out for the season." Clarke seethed, anger dripping from each word, but in a flash it was all gone as the blonde took another steadying, calming breath and met her gaze, then Anya's. "After each time, I could hear them taunting her. I was on the ice playing winger when she went down, and I heard them taunt her that the Beanpot's theirs this year."

Lexa digested the information and found herself nodding at the nearly implausible scenario of some Harvard players looking to weaken the ranks of their opponents in advance of the tournament. Still, there was no reason for Griffin to lie, and judging by how upset the blonde was, and the fact that the game had ended a mere forty minutes earlier, such urgency was difficult to perform.

"You think they're going to headhunt us." Anya spoke lowly, clearly angered at the idea even while her head cocked to the side in confusion. The unspoken question being _'You raced here to warn us?'_

"No doubt in my mind. You singlehandedly humiliated them last year, Anya, and Lexa's the star prospect. If they took one of you out, they'd do well in making sure that if they faced you again this season, your team might be more emotional, less disciplined, and possibly have less firepower." Clarke explained before taking hold of her notebook and flipping through the pages to a certain marked-off section.

"Harvard's playbook..." Anya mumbled thoughtfully, both words enough to peak Lexa's curiosity, drawing her across the room to sit on Clarke's other side. Tactics outweighed the awkwardness she felt around the blonde; the team's needs would come before her own, as she'd decided last week.

"I have to make a few minor adjustments and updates, but I want you to be armed with this. If it can help at all to take those assholes down, then whatever. I know Indra's a great coach, she probably has most of this covered, but I've watched hours of video, I've played against them this year. I know how to _exploit_ them." Clarke insisted with more than a little excitement, sharing brief glances with her and Anya.

"And yet you only won four to three." Lexa remarked, hoping that Griffin's research was good, but unsure if it was so trustworthy.

"My line scored three of those goals, thank you." Clarke shot back, some of that familiar confidence finally seeping back into the blonde's voice and posture. It was nice to see, even if her situation with Griffin was complicated.

From there, Clarke went page by page, pointing out Harvard's standard and positional tactics, formations, and which players certain Huskies would match up well against, which they wouldn't, and why. The more the blonde went on, the more Lexa respected the girl's mind for tactics and attention to detail, seeming to pull examples from the game they played against each other easily in order to better explain how to exploit and dismantle Harvard in all three zones. Tidbits like how Harvard's shifts tended to run long, and how NU's board-play and speed would be able to catch them tired and stretch their shifts dangerously long, were things Lexa knew their team would pick up on eventually mid-game, and would benefit them going in.

Before she knew it, it was pitch black outdoors, and Clarke was on the final page of Harvard's section, scribbling away in an empty area some numbers and names. "These four were headhunting all game. The rest weren't really doing much of anything dangerous, but those four...you need to be mindful of them. None got penalized of anything more than a trip today, so they're probably going to try again tomorrow. You need to be safe."

"Our players are strong." Anya insisted, if only to fly their team's flag a bit, something Anya honestly loved to do. Lexa was sure that they both understood the potential danger at play.

"Be that as it may, you and your teammates can still get concussed when you're boarded. Your knees can only take so much punishment on a knee on knee without significant damage. We may play in a low contact league, but there are ways." Clarke muttered in response, staring hard down at that final page. As if Clarke had known those four players, that maybe her captain wouldn't have been injured on her watch. As much as this was an info dump to help protect her and Anya, it was very clearly an expression of guilt over her failure to anticipate those Harvard players' motives.

And though Lexa often felt guilt was useless, she couldn't help but respect the responsibility Clarke took upon herself for her team. If the team's captain would be out for the year, the Eagles could do much worse than giving some degree of captaincy to Clarke to make up for the vacancy.

Clarke opened the metal rings in her notebook and pulled the Harvard papers out, placing them on Anya's lap. "Just...ruin them." Clarke urged quietly, the sad smile Lexa caught a glimpse of a clear enough message to stay safe and get out in one piece.

Lexa could understand Clarke coming over to give them intel on their mutual enemy, wanting justice for what was done to her team that afternoon through the Huskies. She could understand the responsibility and guilt angle. It was Clarke's concern for her and Anya that she just couldn't fully wrap her head around. She understood the truce in place, she understood that Clarke's friend liked Anya, and that even Anya was warming to the blonde a little, but there wasn't much reason to show such concern. Such urgency.

"I know someone with a scanner, I'll be back in a few minutes." Anya spoke, having up and left the room before Lexa could think up a reason for her to do that grunt work instead of being left with Griffin.

_Damn it..._

There she was, sitting on Anya's bed, maybe an inch between her and Clarke. She could smell the jasmine and vanilla of Clarke's bodywash, hear the girl's slightly heavier rhythmic breathing, see how Clarke's hands were wringing on the girl's lap. Clearly, she wasn't the only one feeling the awkwardness. After all, it was the first time they'd been alone since the washroom, where Clarke had cared for her and praised her. The first time they'd been so close since the song, where Clarke's blue eyes shone with tears that she'd wanted to brush free, where the blonde's slightly shaking body could have been comforted with her arms, where they could have imagined going away together and all the joys such an adventure could entail.

It was all so dangerous to even consider such a fantasy. Lexa knew intimately just how fragile they were, how they never translated into real life. How waking from them and returning to the harsh truths of reality was a pain she never wanted to endure again. Allowing herself to burden Anya with her sorrow once again after all these years had been the final nail in the coffin, her cousin not deserving such trouble from her again.

"You are aware Anya has a Facebook account you could have sent all this to. You didn't need to visit personally." Lexa let out quietly, nearly wincing at how rude she'd sounded. Perhaps minimal rudeness was necessary, but not after such a show of concern.

"People tend to retain stuff better if they can get it in more than one form. Seeing the plans, and hearing me speak, and hearing ourselves speak...that's better than reading off a screen." Clarke explained simply, Lexa not entirely buying the sudden calm facade in its entirety. Clarke was nervous about something. Likely about her, still.

_Not that I want to push her about that..._

"Do you have a section on Northeastern?" She asked, deciding to fill their alone time with small talk, just hoping Anya would return soon. Now that she wasn't intently studying Clarke's notes on Harvard, the sweet, almost sensual aroma was starting to get to her. _Why does she have to smell like that? Like...like a promise on the verge of fulfillment...if I just..._

"A much larger section, yeah." Clarke's words broke Lexa from her thoughts, and had her realizing she'd started to lean closer to the blonde, nose a hair's width or two from Griffin's golden tresses. She straightened back up just as Clarke continued, the girl seemingly oblivious to what Lexa had nearly done. "Like I told you the other night, I gameplan. This is what I do. I put a lot of work into it, it's important to me."

Lexa could see Clarke's head begin to turn, had heard her voice trail into softness with that last statement, and desperately wanted to avoid hearing what else was important. Not when she was so close to Griffin, not with that damned aroma. As gracefully as she could, in order to mask her haste, she got up and returned to her own bed, leaving Clarke alone and across the room. _So long as I don't make eye contact, I think I'll be fine..._

"Oh, um, by the way, Raven's hosting some big party between the end of classes and the start of the exam period. It'd be good to see you and Anya outside of hockey and all." Clarke fumbled out almost endearingly; while confidence was always a turn-on for her, she found herself enjoying the moments that Griffin was clumsy and less than put together. It was yet another thing that made Clarke dangerous.

"I'll consider it." Lexa noted after a few long seconds, deciding to not give an outright rejection right away. Griffin was just trying to be kind, and while she thought it was a bad idea to accept it, she didn't have to be cruel or rude in response.

Thankfully, Anya returned before Clarke could say anything else, handing their guest the stack of papers. Griffin quickly returned them to their place in the notebook, and stuffed the tome in her bag. "I'll get out of your hair, then. I didn't mean to take up so much time." Clarke noted with a slight hint of nerves in her voice. The blonde gave a quick nod to Lexa, then awkwardly patted at Anya's shoulder. "Good luck tomorrow. I know you'll crush them."

Anya's eye rolled hard, Lexa knowing well that her cousin refused to chalk up any of their on-ice performances to luck. Still, Anya surprised her by pulling Clarke into a brief hug. "Bring coffee next time you annoy us, and maybe you can stay longer."

Lexa's eyes bulged at the words, knowing that if Clarke could read between the lines, that Anya was basically inviting her to hang out in the future. Sure, their dorm room could accommodate another person easily, but she couldn't help but wonder where the generosity was coming from.

"Lucky for me, I know a pretty great place." The blonde noted with a grin that clearly demonstrated Griffin knew exactly what had been offered. "Take care, you two."

Another wave, and Clarke was gone, faint footfalls trailing off in seconds, Anya plopping back down on her bed to continue that temporarily discarded paper. As if her cousin hadn't just welcomed Clarke into their home for the foreseeable future.

"Do you think that's wise? Giving her an open invitation to stop by?" Lexa asked, cutting through the bullshit and getting straight to the issue at hand, knowing Anya would appreciate it.

"In case you were too drunk to remember on Octavia's birthday, on the ride home I offered her our floor if she ever needed a place to stay." Anya stated calmly, as if her words wouldn't have rocked Lexa's world like they absolutely had. The mere idea of Clarke curled up by her bedside was frightening in the temptation to fulfill her desires that would be present in such a scenario.

Lexa shook her head, trying to dislodge imagined efforts to draw Clarke into her bed with a plethora of flimsy excuses. It just would NOT do.

"Are you _actually_ going to consider going to the party?" Anya asked, breaking Lexa from her thoughts, thankfully, only to plant new ones in her head, of sharing a couch with Clarke, of taking in that heady scent and learning how it felt to have her hands on Clarke rather than the other way around.

_Lexa, no!_

She slipped her headphones on and pushed all her focus she could manage back to studying, knowing her silence would be answer enough for her cousin, but she really didn't want to hear Anya's teasing remarks right then. She needed to listen to her inner-Anya instead and reject any pleasant fantasies her imagination loved to think up. She had to do what was right for the team. Stick to school, and sports, and solo nature walks.

It was simple. Or, well, it had to be. For her sake, it damn well had to be.

* * *

Clarke felt drained as she reached the entrance to her dorm building. School had been kicking her ass in the lead up to finals, with all but one of her courses having essays or presentations in place of exams. It meant that her December would be much more open, with her first and only exam on the fourth, but for now, it was brutalizing her energy levels. On top of her course load, hockey games and practices had grown more intense, more back to backs happening down the stretch, and against tougher opponents. It made it difficult to gameplan for, and to recuperate properly, especially when Octavia would spend the night away. Especially when she was still working as often as she was.

She knew her post-game tantrum after edging out Harvard may have been a little petty, and it probably hadn't won her points with coach Kane when she stormed out of the locker room immediately after debriefing. Fact is, Clarke was exhausted, and furious, and scared, and with those three running at full steam, she couldn't help but be overwhelmed. Alie something-or-other taking out her captain, and then taunting as if she'd target Anya and Lexa next? It had messed Clarke up; hell, she _still_ felt messed up even after all that went down at Light Hall. It's not even that she LIKED Tsing, because she didn't, but the woman was a part of her team. Her responsibility.

Clarke let herself in and trudged her way upstairs to her dorm room, going still with surprise when she saw that Octavia was actually home, which was an absolute rarity most evenings after having played an afternoon game.

A quick look over and it was clear her roommate had just recently gotten in, probably beat Clarke home by no more than a few minutes. The raven haired girl slipped off her riding boots and slumped down onto Clarke's bed for a change, which only made the blonde wary of what was going on, if a tiny bit hopeful.

"You look like ass, Clarke. You okay?" Her roommate asked, a little stiff in her delivery, but the sentiment seemed sincere enough, in both the jab and the concern.

Relief flooded her, hearing more actual words in two sentences than O had spoken to her altogether since the party nearly two weeks ago. Clarke hung up her coat and slipped off her boots before making her way to Octavia's side, plopping down right beside the girl.

"I missed you." She whispered tiredly, taking O's nearest hand in her own.

"My birthday was such a fucking mess." Octavia grumbled, but Clarke wasn't about to let her friend take the brunt of the blame. Not when O had just been concerned and felt betrayed.

"No, no, not at all. I'm sorry if I made you feel that way." Clarke let out sadly, biting her lip hard and leaning into her friend; her emotions had been haywire most of the day, and they didn't seem to be letting up. "I never meant for that to happen, I promise. I honestly HAD planned for you and Lincoln to have a night alone, I wasn't lying there, O."

Octavia pulled her hand free and wrapped her arm around the blonde, pulling her close. "Okay, okay, I get it..." Octavia voiced in a hushed whisper. "Gotta stop bein' such a sap with me, Griffin. You know it messes with my vibe."

Clarke let out a wet laugh at that and returned Octavia's hug. "Nope. Gonna have to fight me to get rid of me." She responded in kind, earning a playful shove that had Clarke flopping onto her back.

"Eh, you know I'm a lover, not a fighter, Clarke." Octavia grinned, drawing another laugh from the absurdity; it wasn't too long ago that O had forsaken love and would have legitimately fought anyone who challenged her on that. She watched the grin fall soon after though, as her roommate gave her a long look. "You said you weren't lying about wanting me and Linc to have a night alone, but...you did lie to me, didn't you?"

Clarke let out a sigh, propping herself up on her elbows. "Truth time? I was upset at you for what you did, for putting me in that position that could, and did, hurt my budding friendship with Lexa. And I was upset at myself for letting you put me in that position, when I might have been able to avoid it." Clarke explained, earning a slow nod from her roommate, a gesture for her to continue. "I needed time to myself to process. If it didn't go down that way, and you'd asked me to stay in the dorms anyway that night, I would have, but it DID happen. I needed alone time, and I couldn't have had that at the dorms, O. Talking to you more wouldn't have helped me, and I just wanted to try and salvage the mood of the night with something nice for you two. But when I said me needing to be away wasn't about what happened between us, that was a lie."

Octavia took her sweet time digesting that, seconds ticking on and on as the girl's head bobbed up and down ever so slightly in thought. Clarke felt her hands grow a little clammy with suspense, felt her eyelids droop from the serious lack of sleep she'd had that week, and felt her heart hammering away in her chest as she slowly descended deeper and deeper into worry.

She didn't see the pillow coming, but Octavia had managed to take hold of the edge of her pillow and fling it down at her head with a solid thwack, stunning her for a brief moment. "Guess we're even, now. I kinda get it, with hindsight and all." Her roommate noted with a sheepish smile that slowly fell into a frown. "But I don't like you going to that friend of yours."

"I know, O." Clarke added quietly, slipping the pillow under head for a little better comfort, body mostly acting on autopilot in prep for some kind of rest.

"I don't know anything about them, I've never even met them. And I still don't know who you work for, or what exactly you do. Like...you get how sketchy that sounds? And how hard it is for me to deal with secrets like that? They might seem small to you, Griffin, but they're big to me." Octavia ranted, clear frustration knitting her brow, jaw clenching once all her words had spilled out.

"I know, I know." She whispered with a small nod. "It's just...it's all tied to some personal stuff that I'm not ready to talk about yet. But I want to be ready...I just need a little more time, O, then I'll tell you everything. I promise."

And it was true, she DID want to tell Octavia. Just as soon as she trusted things would be okay between them when the truth came out. As much as she hated to admit it, losing the first bit of support and friendship she'd gained since the fallout back in Virginia would crush her. She needed to figure out better where O stood on things, and she needed to know how to handle herself if it all went to shit after she came out with it.

Octavia chewed the inside of her cheek, lips forming into a brief scowl before the girl let out a sigh. "Not happy we can't clear the air now, but...I'm trusting you'll tell me soon enough, alright?" Her roommate asked, earning a nod from the blonde. "And I'm sorry for what I did at the party, especially when we got into the yelling match. I knew you said you weren't ready or able to date anyone, and I ignored that. I just...I wanted you to be happy, and I know you haven't been happy this whole semester, I know, okay?"

Clarke felt herself blush at that, having thought she'd managed to keep her general mood in check in front of her friends. It wasn't as if she was miserable all the time, or that she didn't have some happy moments along the way. Just, in general, she'd been either sad or apathetic.

"When I saw how you looked at Lexa, Clarke, I just...you were happy. Not that low-level surface kind of happy, but utterly happy and running at full capacity. I thought she could be the answer, and my idiotic drunken self made a move...it was wrong, but I was just trying to help. I'm sorry I fucked it all up." Octavia finished with a tortured frown that had Clarke sitting up and, with a solid grip on the pillowcase, flailing the pillow at her friend's face.

O managed to get her forearm up halfway in time, but her utter shock let Clarke make a second strike that impacted directly in Octavia's face. "Guess we're even now." Clarke noted with a laugh, and even though she was tired as all hell, she would have kept up the playful side of things if O was up for it. It had been a while since she'd had some mindless fun with Octavia."But it's okay, O. I'll be fine."

Octavia grabbed the pillow from Clarke's hands, but instead of whacking her in the face with it, her roommate set it back at the top of the bed. "I meant what I said earlier, Clarke. You look like three day old road kill, get some sleep."

"You're sticking around tonight?" Clarke asked, hopeful she'd have company that night. She could really use a damned good sleep for once.

"Yeah, gotta finish a paper and then start hitting the books for my exams." Octavia said with a grimace, clearly displeased with the idea of schoolwork.

Clarke couldn't help but smile at the news, knowing for as hellish as the day had been, that maybe she'd manage to sleep more than a few hours of sleep, unbroken if she was lucky. "Well, you know where I am if you need a second set of eyes to proof your paper later. Good luck, O. And...thanks, again. I've missed you."

Octavia just scoffed before getting off the bed and moving over to her side of the small dorm. "You're such a sap, Clarke. Never change."

Clarke managed to make her way to her dresser and pulled out some warm pajamas, quickly changing into them. "I wouldn't dream of it." She called out in return before slipping under her covers and settling in for what she hoped would be a restful sleep. A little more than seventy-two hours to finish up her three last assignments meant that she needed every last minute of quality sleep she could muster.

But with Octavia a few feet away, Clarke wasn't worried. She had her friend back, and she wasn't so alone anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp, this was a bit of a bridge chapter, setting up the next arc of sorts in this story that more or less covers the exam and holiday seasons. Not a lot of fluff to be had this time around, but that should begin to filter in next chapter when things get a little more upbeat.  
> Thanks for taking the time to read, my certifiably awesome readers!


	7. Chapter 7

Raven Reyes strolled through her humble abode with a brilliant smile on her face, feeling almost in reach of cloud nine. Not only had classes finished up for the semester, but they were having their first decent snowfall of the year, and with her aunt downstairs out of town at some festival in New Hampshire, her year-end party was in full swing.

But more than that, she'd made Anya Pine laugh just about two and a half minutes ago, with a fantastic lead in to a punny as hell one-liner that brought a blush to the woman's cheeks. Things were honestly looking up, and now that she'd gotten the intimidating woman to warm a little towards her, asking Anya out wasn't such a distant possibility anymore.

Especially since some music she'd mentioned in passing had piqued Anya's interest, leading to her mid-party interlude, searching her bedroom for her discarded iPod. More often than not, Anya listened when she spoke, but rarely took enough interest to take initiative. It was a good sign, it _had_ to be.

Raven was bubbling over with excitement as she entered her room, though allowed herself enough room to feel relieved when she noticed Clarke passed out in her bed. The blonde had gone missing an hour or so earlier, and it wasn't all that surprising to learn that sleep had captured her friend. The girl had just finished the last two of her final assignments earlier that day, had supposedly been awake for over forty hours straight, and frankly looked like a zombie when she arrived to the party. A shot of vodka, and a bottle of cider, and Clarke had pretty much vanished.

She made her way over to the bed and draped her quilt over Clarke, knowing her home wasn't very well insulated, and knowing that come hell or high water, Clarke had her back and would have been happy for her and the recent development with Anya.

It took a minute or so to track down her dented old iPod, but there it was, halfway hidden in her dresser, on top of her socks, clearly having slid off the top of the furniture. Raven clutched her trusty music player and turned it on, checking to see if it needed charging. As it was booting up, though, a vibrating noise filled the room, drawing Raven's attention away.

Raven knew her own phone was back in the living room, so she made her way over to the bed and lifted the quilt, knowing Clarke had a tendency to keep hers in her back pocket, but that device was still and silent as another vibration sounded off. Raven's eyes scanned the room, quickly spotting Clarke's bag, and while she wasn't really one for snooping, her mind filled with ideas as to what was vibrating, and whether or not she could gain some funny blackmail material on her friend.

Sadly, as she peered into her teammate's bag, she realized that there was not, in fact, a vibrator in there. Curiously, it was another phone, a cheap looking thing vibrating for a third time at the bottom of the girl's bag. Raven lifted it up and tapped the power button, and while the lock screen was generic and didn't give much of anything away, it did tell her that ' _JungleCrotch_ ' had texted her, probably all three times.

While Raven was a little curious as to who the hell could have earned that little nickname from the blonde, she wasn't willing to snoop any harder. It just wasn't really her style. She'd ask Clarke some other time when they were both well rested and enjoying winter break, but for now, she'd leave the blonde safe and sound in her room while she got back to the party.

Raven grabbed a pair of fresh drinks on the way back, handing a bottle off to Anya as she plopped down beside the woman. Anya's averted gaze and grimacing face had Raven's head on a swivel, only needing a second or two to spot Lincoln and Octavia making out across the room.

"Yeah, I imagine watching your brother making out with his girlfriend is pretty disturbing." Raven noted with a laugh. Anya let out a shudder before shifting her focus to the girl genius, expression brightening in a way that had the mechanic's heart aflutter. If the slight smile on Anya's face wasn't a confidence booster, she wasn't sure what was, even if the older girl was pretty drunk.

"So, you said you had music..." Anya started, voice slurring slightly as those curious dark brown eyes gazed at her intently.

Raven nodded and pulled out the iPod, remembering how Anya had been going on about some bands she liked, and how they were often getting less radio play with classic rock stations shifting up the timeline and playing more music from the nineties. Raven had brought up the fact that people still used those songs in remixes and mashups, and Anya's curiosity had immediately been piqued, thank god.

"So basically, what this guy does is he takes older music people feel nostalgic about, or simply just enjoy because it's great shit, and he mashes it up with modern rap music." Raven attempted to explain, earning a skeptical look from Anya, but the woman still grabbed the earbuds and slipped them in her ears. Raven scrolled through her playlists and stopped on her favourite song of his. "This one closes out one of his older albums, and it's my favourite. It's got some Journey mixed into it, too."

The mention of Journey brightened the woman's eyes ever so slightly, and Raven could only just barely stifle her excitement over some personality leaking out from behind the woman's usual stoic mask. Raven hit play and sat back to watch the woman beside her; she knew the track well enough to recall it through her memory, smiling at the sped up intro to ELO's _'Don't Bring Me Down'_ leading the track off.

Anya simply nodded along for the first little while before letting out an amused scoff. "Thunderstruck?" Anya asked no one in particular, brow furrowing in confusion as she let out another laugh. "And...is that George Harrison?"

Raven just nodded, getting a clearer picture of the eras Anya was more in tune with. But it was the slow gasp and the hand lifting to cover Anya's mouth that had Raven biting her lip nervously; she knew as well as anyone that mashups could make some people smile, knowing their favourite songs were being turned into something new, or it could be seen as heresy.

Anya was stock still and wide-eyed for long, agonizing seconds, the mashed-up drop of 'Pop, Lock & Drop It' and 'Faithfully' playing in her head. Raven's heart beat for the first time in forever when Anya let out a staggered laugh, eyebrows arching up in disbelief and warm brown eyes gazing back at her for some sort of answer to a question the woman couldn't ask due to falling into breathless laughter.

"Oh my god...he mixed a song about asses with a fucking power ballad." Anya let out between laughs, sinking deeper into the sofa, shaking her head in disbelief as she pulled out the headphones. "And he timed Steve Perry with...fuck..."

Raven watched on with a grin as Anya descended back into laughter, feeling a little accomplished for her efforts that night. Her goals had been to make Anya smile, maybe laugh once or twice, and learn more about the woman she was so fond of, and she felt like she'd accomplished all three in the short few hours of the party.

"What's so funny that even my boring sister's laughing?" Raven heard from her left before two bodies plopped down on the sofa beside her, Lincoln shooting her and Anya a curious look.

"Raven had me listen to a preposterous song." Anya said with a chuckle, sending a playful glare back Lincoln's way. "Nothing _you'd_ be interested in, of course."

"Of course not, I'm not a nerd like you are." Lincoln fired back with a laugh before nudging Raven with his elbow. "She's literally the biggest buzz kill in existence. She brought a tome of Emily Dickinson poems to a carnival once."

Raven couldn't help but giggle a little at the mental picture, Anya holding the book open with one hand and clutching a stick of cotton candy with the other as a younger Lincoln and Lexa waited in line for rides.

"Oh, you don't want to go there with me, Lincoln. I think you'll rephrase that to be historically accurate, unless you want me to dig through my long, detailed memory." Anya spoke, the low rolling rumble of her voice all at once terrifying and arousing. Sometimes Raven worried over how sexy she found Anya when the woman was being all scary and intimidating.

"I don't think I will. Raven should know how big of a romantic you really are, Anya." He returned, and Raven almost shifted her gaze to catch his expression, but Anya was far too mesmerizing when she was coiling up and looking like she was ready to attack. The woman's eyes lit up in challenge and a dangerous smirk curled at her lips.

"My appreciation for poetry is nothing compared to Lincoln's many obsessions over the years. I vividly recall his pro wrestling period that lasted through most of high school." Anya practically purred, and had the woman taken a few moments to silently fish for her phone, Raven might not have heard Lincoln's hesitant protests beside her. "But don't worry, Octavia, you don't have to trust my memory to appreciate Lincoln's favourite pastimes. I have some examples here on video." Anya continued, hand planting on Raven's thigh for balance as the woman leaned across her so O could see what was playing on the phone.

There, in Anya's hand, was a video of a younger Lincoln Pine, wearing some pretty damn absurd tights, an incredibly colourful and dramatic bandana, some blacked out goggles, and a really unfortunate fake beard. Had she not been obsessed with Left For Dead a few years back, and toyed with a number of mods, she wouldn't have recognized his ridiculous attempts at impersonating 'Macho Man' Randy Savage's monologues and one-liners. But god damn, was it glorious as hell, and Raven let herself break out into laughter at it all, her awe at Anya's ruthlessness outweighing her embarrassment for poor Lincoln.

"Oh...my...god...LINCOLN WHAT THE HELL!" Octavia shouted before descending into a cackling fit, shaking her boyfriend in surprise as Anya laughed along.

"For three and a half years, I let him record every show on TV, I took him to the local live shows, I weathered his impersonation routines until...well, until they were as good as they'd end up being. He was so _very_ committed to the craft." Anya added with a shit-eating grin as the recording of teenage-Lincoln rambled about snapping into Slim-Jims, and having been to 'the top of the mountain'.

"Okay that's enough! Just...come on...give it...!" Lincoln grunted out as he tried to grab the phone, reaching across Raven in the process. Or, well, he would have, had Anya not grabbed her and used her as a shield of sorts to keep Lincoln away.

"You make another lunge and I'll play your impersonations of The Rock!" Anya yelled out as Lincoln once more tried lunging over Raven to get to his sister. Apparently her threat caused enough hesitation to still him for a moment, which was enough hesitation for Anya to lay claim to victory. "You know you don't want that spread around. As rough as this one is, it's nowhere close to that one...so _behave_ , Lincoln." Anya threatened with that intimidating as hell smirk of hers, and maybe she didn't feel so silly when Lincoln did in fact sink back into his seat with an annoyed huff, Octavia giggling at him and kissing his cheek for his valiant efforts.

And maybe Raven was smiling, too; she knew a kiss wasn't on the agenda for the night, but the fact that Lincoln's threat was over and Anya still had a hand lightly resting on her back, well, it was a good sign. Even if Anya had alternated between casting her amused or confused glances throughout the night, some actual contact and laughter was a step in the right direction. It had to be.

* * *

"...and then this vulgar rap song about asses got mixed with Steve Perry, you know...the guy from Journey...and it was hysterical!" Anya rambled drunkenly, halfway using Lexa as a human crutch as they made their way back to their dorm from Raven's party.

When her older cousin had called her to accompany her home, Lexa had just been finishing up a study session at a nearby diner, so she'd agreed. Anya hadn't sounded as drunk as she clearly was on the phone, but to her credit, it had been a brief phone call, and Anya rarely slurred when intoxicated.

"You really should have been there, little one. You'd have liked the music...and...oh, and Clarke was there, too!" Anya noted with a light punch at Lexa's shoulder. "She was asleep the whole time, though."

Lexa didn't doubt that she would have enjoyed some heretical mashups of Anya's favourite classic rock songs with modern rap, that was a given. Clarke, however, was a more complicated matter. Though, hearing the blonde had been out for the whole party was a slight bit concerning.

"What happened to her? Was she alright?" She asked, drawing a wide, toothy grin from Anya.

"She was fiiiiiine. Apparently she'd completed her last two papers that afternoon, so she was wiped. Zonked out a half hour after she got there. But Lexa, she put in the _effort_. She _tried_." Anya said with more gusto than usually granted to discussions about sleeping people, adding emphasis to the understanding that the blonde had made an attempt to party, even if perhaps the girl wasn't up for it. "Maybe if you would have _tried_ , and came to the party, things could have been _different_."

"I was studying, Anya. I told you." Lexa argued in return, though the current state of her cousin and her admittedly weak excuse weren't enough to remotely convince Anya that Lexa couldn't have shown up for a little bit of it.

"Please, you're acing your natural history class. You literally have a perfect grade in it, and over fifty people in your class have bought your study guide from you." Anya shot back with narrowed eyes and a suspicious frown. "You were avoiding Clarke."

Lexa sighed at the simple deduction and guided them across the street as they reached the edge of campus. "I told you after the last party, I'm not willing to push my boundaries. I want to focus on hockey, and school, and you don't need to deal with me eventually messing up my love life again."

Anya nodded and was silent for a few long seconds, long enough to give hope that the topic was closed. Sadly, drunk Anya refused to let it go. " _Raven_ tries. She puts in the effort, Lexa. Clarke, I _understand_ , she...she put herself out there, for _you_. But Raven...can you believe I _flirted_ with her? And NOTHING. I don't _understand_."

Lexa considered Anya's words and nodded as she tried to figure out what was going on. Because to her, Raven had been fairly blatant in the few instances she'd caught them together. At Octavia's party, Raven had sat right beside Anya, thigh to thigh, not seemingly to have looked away from her cousin once during their brief discussion. She'd then watched Raven practically skip over to Clarke and gush about the encounter. And since that party, Raven had shown up at their gym on numerous occasions, always taking a few minutes to chat Anya up with a smile and a joke or two. It was Anya who had always seemed a bit difficult to read on the matter, rarely changing her facial expression when around the younger woman.

"So...Raven puts in effort to talk to you? And to try and make you laugh?" Lexa asked, earning a fierce nod from a very drunk and frustrated Anya. "And...what, she's never asked you out?"

Anya's lengthy, harsh sigh has Lexa rolling her eyes, because her cousin only ever did that when she'd made a mistake and was uncomfortable facing it. "I...may have made myself seem...unattainable...a while ago." Anya let out carefully, the streetlamp ahead of them providing enough light for Lexa to see her cousin's cheeks tinged pink. "But she kept talking to me. Kept joking with me. Kept...flirting...and nothing!"

Lexa nodded as a sense of clarity came over her, memory recalling Clarke's words to Anya about her friend, the night of the party. _'She thinks you're interesting Anya, but she's not going to pressure you' is what Clarke had said...that Anya had time to make a decision before Raven moved on..._

"Anya, do you like Raven?" Lexa asked, figuring out whether she should come to the aid of her cousin's love life or not. It had been a long time since Anya had seriously dated anyone, to her knowledge; junior year of high school, to be exact. There had been a weekend long fling a year and a half ago, but the guy had bailed afterward, and Anya had been furious. It made sense that her cousin would be gun-shy, not wanting to be used again.

Anya waved her hands out in front of herself, as if weighing pros and cons. "She's _annoying_. And she keeps disrupting my workouts. And her one-liners can be tacky and a little insulting." Anya started, mouth twisting into perplexed pout. "But she's also intelligent, confident, she can make me laugh, she compliments parts of me no one else does...she sees me differently, and she's...she's legitimately interested in learning more about me."

Lexa just watched her cousin as the woman worked at arriving at a conclusion of her own. It did seem there were more positives than negatives, at the very least.

"But...it would be such a hassle to date someone, Lexa. Even with my final semester being so light. We'd both be so busy. I'd be so busy with school, and hockey, and you, and Lincoln, and..." Anya continued, but Lexa felt a deep need to reel her cousin in.

"Anya, Lincoln is well taken care of, as difficult as that may be for me to say, or for you to hear or accept. Octavia is good to him. And while I appreciate it, you shouldn't factor me into your decisions, Anya. If you weren't worried about taking care of me like the mother bear you are, same with Lincoln, would you date Raven?" She asked, hoping her interruption wouldn't put Anya on the defensive. Thankfully, Anya's eyes just grew wider, her cousin clutching her hand tightly.

"I will always care for you, little one." Anya asserted firmly, before letting out a brief sigh. "But...perhaps I would try. It's just been so long...and we might have too many differences...and perhaps she only likes the idea of me, instead...instead of the _real_ me."

And there it was. Lexa loved the hell out of Anya, respected the hell out of her as well, but the woman was not someone who was a tremendous risk taker. She was calculating, she ensured there were reasons behind each decision, and Anya had said enough for Lexa to know that her cousin probably wouldn't make the first move. At least, not right now, and that was a problem, given how frustrated and annoyed Anya was, even if part of that frustration and annoyance was with herself.

"Well, you both seemed to have a good time together tonight, right?" Lexa asked, drawing a reluctant nod from her frowning cousin. "Then maybe she'll make her move somewhere more appropriate, when you're both sober."

Her words seemed to do the trick enough to lighten Anya's mood, which was good, since they were approaching their dorm, and Anya going to bed upset generally meant Anya spending the next morning being upset.

Lexa kept to her impromptu mission, leading Anya upstairs to wash up before getting her cousin to bed. Anya rarely ever put up a fuss, and wasn't any different that night, leaving Lexa plenty of time to execute her plan.

It was only ten minutes before she was back outside, phone in hand, dialing Raven's number from Anya's phone.

It only rang once before a nervous voice came across the line. "Anya? H...hey, what's up? Make it home alright?"

Lexa allowed for Raven's imaginary points tracker to boost a little bit at the expressed concern, even if it wasn't necessary, and a little bit offensive for the woman to think she couldn't take care of her older cousin on the short walk home. The added hope and happiness absolutely saturating Raven's voice might have won a few more points as well.

"Actually, this is Lexa. I need you to listen carefully, Raven." She started, wanting to set the tone for her prospective plans.

Thankfully, Raven caught on quickly. "Gotcha. I'm all ears, Lexa."

"You're going to meet me at that park close to your house in fifteen minutes. I'll be sitting on one of the benches. Don't be late." Lexa stated as she made her way back towards Raven's, mostly trying to emulate Anya's steely tone; after all, she wanted to do her cousin justice by screening her potential future date. A bit of hostility was the name of the game.

There was a bit of silence over the line, but only for a moment or two. "Yeah...yeah, I'll make it work. See you then."

Lexa made it to the park in ten minutes flat, early enough to catch a flustered looking Raven marching down the sidewalk towards her. It was only a little past two, so there was a chance that Raven had closed up shop early just to make the meeting, what with the oddly high amount of cars and cabs driving down the street that time of night.

Raven slowed to stop at the edge of the bench, resting a gloved hand on it and cocking her hip in a bit of feigned confidence. "Did someone call for a mechanic?"

Lexa straightened her posture and folded her hands in her lap, shooting Raven with about an intense of an inquisitive stare as she could. "You want to date Anya."

Raven's mouth gaped open for a few long seconds before the woman's jaw clamped shut, eyes narrowing in suspicion. "What is this, some kind of shakedown? A test to prove I'm worthy? Did Anya put you up to this?"

Lexa gave a small shrug, because it was pretty obvious what this was, no point in beating around the bush. "Anya's not certain you're sure about wanting to be with her, and that's frustrating and annoying her." Lexa began, earning a flash of a frown from the other girl before her expression returned to the slightly wary and combative default setting. "Which is why I'm here. To clear this up. You want to date Anya, yes?"

Raven crossed her arms and lifted her chin, eyes refusing to leave Lexa's gaze. "Yeah, I like her. I'd like that."

"Tell me, why do you like my cousin? Explain it to me, because I'm not sure how two parties and a few moments at the gym could lead to an accurate idea of who Anya is." It was a fair enough question, Lexa figured, as she sat back against the bench in wait for Raven's response.

Surprisingly enough, Raven just let out a long sigh and plopped down beside her. "I thought she was hot as hell freshman year. Didn't see her around a lot, but enough. I'll admit her whole badass aura kind of lured me in. I'm a sucker for strong people who don't take shit." Raven started, staring hard at the sidewalk in front of her. "Except, I was walking my friend's dog last spring, and I caught her sitting around Jamaica Pond with this thick book, and she just looked so into it. That piqued my interest. And then a friend of mine, her sister was on the Huskies last year, and apparently Anya taught her how to do some ballroom dancing stuff for a wedding. Suddenly, she wasn't this cardboard cut-out intimidating badass. She was more complex, and I'm a mech engineer...I like complexity."

Lexa could appreciate Raven's honesty; it was nice to understand how Raven came to appreciate her cousin. Still, as Lexa recalled Anya's words from earlier in the night, it didn't paint a complete enough picture for her. "And since the start of this year...what's changed for you? How do you see her differently?"

"Hell, is this really necessary? I'm really into her, and..." Raven started, but Lexa wanted the meeting over and done with as soon as possible, and decided to push the pace a bit.

"It IS necessary, and if you convince me you actually might deserve a shot with her, I'll help you set up a date with her." Lexa bargained, allowing herself an amused smirk as she watched Raven's eyes bug out.

"You serious?" Raven blurted out, syllables and eyebrows twisting in confusion. Lexa just cocked an eyebrow at the mechanic. "Okay, okay. So, I was excited about when Lincoln and O got together, because Anya was hounding Octavia, and eventually ended up at a party of mine trying to give her the third degree. I didn't see much of her that night, but I did see how protective she was. Shows she really gives a shit, wants the best for her people. I respect that a lot."

Lexa nodded along at that, happy to hear that Anya's overbearing side wasn't a turn-off, though she wondered how Raven might handle it on a more routine basis. As someone who had lived with or around Anya for close to half of her life, it wasn't always sunshine and rainbows.

"After that, O's party came up, and I got up the courage to talk to her, with Clarke's help. And Anya bristled a bit at my pickup lines, but strangely enough, I think she kind of liked them, in a weird way. She brought up poetry, too, and the fact that she could just recite this century old bit of work that perfectly represented what we'd been talking about? Showed she had brains, and was creative, and...well, damn, that's really attractive. And while she seemed a bit off-kilter with the compliments, she seemed alright with them." Raven continued, and while Lexa wasn't quite sure what Raven was getting at regarding pick-up lines, she couldn't help but be intrigued at the girl mentioning complimenting Anya, something her cousin has spoken about earlier that night.

"What exactly did you compliment her on?" She asked, figuring it was a good enough last question to determine Raven's eligibility.

"Well, her eyes, for one. They're this really beautiful brown that, when you get close enough, is a hell of a lot deeper and more varied than it appeared to be. The way they crinkle a little when she's smiling or laughing? It's unfair, because I never want to look away, and they make me want to smile or laugh too. And her smile? Fuck. I'm not a sap, but it's like I just ran up ten flights of stairs each time she's smiled at me. Like, I'm literally breathless, I can't manage it, because she just stole it all, and I don't have the heart to take it back when she's so happy. So I just end up sitting there like an idiot, because she dismantles me, and as weird as it is, I wouldn't want it any other way." Raven explained with a sheepish grin, shoulders shrugging a tiny bit, and while the girl was far from a poet, Lexa heard all the right things in those words.

While no one was exactly a sure thing, Raven did seem to hold a deep attraction to Anya, physically and mentally, and that was enough. Even if Raven was trying a tiny bit too hard, though with her cousin's difficulty, perhaps it was warranted. Knowing Anya was frustrated that Raven hadn't made another move, or at least that Anya herself hadn't, Lexa would push the issue and see what came of it somewhere down the line.

Lexa shifted on the bench to better face Raven, earning the older girl's attention quickly. "You should ask Anya out on a walk. Not a date...a walk. For all intents and purposes, it'll be the same thing, so long as you be yourself and flirt with her, but asking her for a walk will almost always be more convincing, and it'll be in her comfort zone. Tell her where you're thinking of walking to, and make sure the way there will go through some parks or by some waterways, and she'll find a reason to accept. She loves walks...early morning walks are reserved for friends and family. Late afternoon and evening walks are what you should plan for. Also, she loves poetry, but do not quote Pablo Neruda on the first date. The third date, though? Definitely." Lexa offered with a smile, enjoying how Raven was hanging on each and every word she spoke; she hadn't provided much information, but it was enough to give Raven a fair chance at making her cousin happy.

And really, that was what mattered.

"In case I have to say it, I can't promise I won't murder you in cold blood if you hurt her or break her heart. You attack her, you attack me. Fair warning." Lexa spoke lowly, hoping her somewhat intimidating tone would translate from hockey practices to this discussion.

Thankfully, Raven just nodded, face looking a little paler. "I get it. I respect it. And...thank you. You didn't have to do this, but you did."

"Just remember what I said. I won't tell you any of it again." Lexa stated firmly, though it only drew a smile on Raven's face.

"My memory's pretty great. Anyway, thanks again. I can't go out with her until my finals are over, but I'll ask her in advance." Raven added, and that was the last bit of information Lexa had to hear.

She stood up and stretched her cold, stiff limbs, eager to return to her dorm and have a good night's sleep. "Good night, Raven."

"Night, Lexa." She heard called out behind her as she strode towards her dorm once more. It had been a bit of a strange night, but she hoped that her efforts would work out for the best.

Anya deserved to be happier, and Raven seemed worth a shot at making that happen.

* * *

Anya couldn't complain about how lax her exam schedule had been, having completed her one and only final very early on, leaving her free for the rest of December, outside of the Dartmouth game at the end of the month, but even that was a home game and didn't require traveling.

It left her with far more spare time than she'd been used to in previous years, and she'd spent much of her newfound free time catching up on the pile of 'recreational reading' books she'd had to put on hold for the past year or so due to her usually busy schedule. She had been more than a little excited to finally get around to completing the Maddaddam trilogy, and most days found her curled up on her bed in her dorm for a good chunk of time.

Which, of course, provided plenty of opportunity to keep an eye on Lexa's studying habits, but it also came with another surprise in the form of one Clarke Griffin. True to Anya's previous offer, Clarke had come around two days after Raven's 'end of classes' party with coffees in hand; the blonde also had finished all of her exams early, and had a little more time to kill as well, it seemed.

But it was the third straight day that Clarke had shown up, and while Anya was hardly one to complain about that, having begun to warm to the girl, it was more than a little confusing. Anya knew why she herself hadn't left the dorms yet, her reason being that she would stick around at least until Lexa was done, on the nineteenth. Clarke, on the other hand, had no family at school to look after, and probably could have found her way back to Virginia easily enough. Or could have spent much of the break with her friends on the sky crew, instead.

So as she sat there in bed, book in hand, eyes on the blonde sitting up against her bedside, currently doodling on a sketchbook, Anya couldn't help but feel a bit of confrontation come to the forefront of her mind. Again, she truly didn't mind Clarke being there with them, and her little one seemed mostly capable of ignoring Clarke so long as Lexa could face away from the blonde, but she needed answers.

"Clarke, what are your plans for later today?" She asked, figuring it was a safe enough opener, and not too hostile while being the right amount of inquisitive.

The blonde peered over her shoulder, brow furrowing in a moment of thought. "Well, I've got work around six, so there's that. But other than that, nothing. Why?"

"I was just wondering why you would spend large parts of today and the past two days over here." Anya answered with an expectant look, hoping the blonde could sate her curiosity, because she truly was puzzled over it.

However, Clarke's immediate hesitation had her thinking that perhaps she'd been a little too blunt. "Oh, uh...hey, it's not really a big deal, I just thought I'd stop by." Clarke eventually shot back, the sketchbook now closed in the blonde's lap as the girl's posture shrunk slightly. Clarke seemed nervous.

Lexa, on the other hand, was watching on curiously, eyes darting between her and the blonde as if to question what was going on. She'd been up front with Lexa on her aim to remain sociable with Clarke, so her cousin might have been right to feel confused, even if just momentarily, as Lexa seemed to catch on after a few seconds.

"It was thoughtful of you, but surely there are easier people to spend time with. I know for certain Raven is on lockdown, so there isn't much reason to come over to this part of town." Anya asserted, hoping to lay the groundwork for figuring the blonde out. Clarke was full of secrets, and while she usually didn't care to learn other people's dirt, she did feel it was for the best in case Clarke and Lexa did end up trying to figure something out.

Clarke just nodded slowly, eyes shifting to her backpack and then back to Anya. "Octavia's been at Lincoln's or making out with him at mine since exam period started, and a lot of others on my floor have left, so the dorms are kind of a ghost town right now. Raven's shut herself off from everyone until her exams are over. I knew you at least were finished yours, and Lexa has noise canceling headphones." The blonde finished with a shrug, entirely disappointing Anya with the lack of details. The blonde surely had more people in her life than just those two.

"Surely there's someone left from your team." Anya asserted, perhaps letting a little disbelief through in the process, her words prompting the blonde to stand.

"Hey, you don't need to tell me three times, twice is enough. I'll get out of your hair." The blonde remarked with a smile that was probably supposed to be reassuring, but Anya still just felt confused.

It wasn't like she'd told Clarke to leave, either, so she set her book down, took the blonde by the forearm and led her out into the hall and to the washroom. When she let go and spun around to face the reluctant blonde, she couldn't help but wonder what was going through that head of hers.

"Why don't you spend time with your teammates?" She asked pointedly, crossing her arms and blocking the doorway in case the blonde wasn't up for explaining. Anya wanted answers, and if she and Clarke were to get closer, she would have them.

"I do, usually. But with exams, and a bunch of them done, there's not a lot of people to hang out with, and most just want to study alone. Sometimes they'll be up for doing something at night, but I'm usually busy with work then." Clarke answered tiredly, leaning up against a sink. "The fact that the seniors don't really want anything to do with the freshmen just cuts down my options. Especially since Tsing went down and word is I'm in the running for getting an A for the rest of the season."

Anya nodded at that, knowing that when she'd first joined the Huskies, there was some segregation among the freshmen and the older players. That the seniors on the Eagles banded together and kept separate from the enormous freshman class BC had brought in wasn't exactly surprising to hear about. Still, it was good to hear Clarke was being considered for some form of captaincy; the blonde was third in team scoring, and led the team in game winning goals. There was merit in that selection, especially given Clarke's work ethic.

"So spending time with your rivals is what, a fallback plan?" Anya needled, knowing it was a bit of a harsh question, but she needed an answer. She would not condone her hospitality being used as a backup plan in case the girl had nothing to do.

"I don't see you two that way. You're just two women I met at various parties, Lincoln's family." Clarke spoke after wincing at her words, clearly a little affected by the accusation.

"And us being his family makes what difference, exactly?" She shot back immediately, not wanting to give the blonde time to think, understanding how quick-witted the blonde was, and how accustomed to lying she seemed to be if given time and opportunity.

Clarke simply shrugged and stepped forward instead of answering, Anya reaching out to hold Clarke at arm's length eventually drawing words from the blonde. "Hey, it doesn't matter. I get the message, I won't bug you anymore." The blonde noted with far more flippancy than expected.

Anya shook her head, jaw clenching in frustration. None of this was going how she wanted. "Stop being passive-aggressive and just say what you mean, Clarke."

Clarke let out a sigh and turned around, walking back towards the sink; Anya followed along the wall silently, wanting to get a clearer read on the blonde, and needing to see her face to do so. "I guess I just thought we could be friends." Clarke answered, and while the words were calmly, perhaps neutrally spoken, the blonde's face was anything but. Head slightly ducked, face a little flushed, eyes glimmering slightly, teeth gnawing on a painfully chapped lower lip, and tiny lines around the girl's eyes broadcasting a clearly pained expression, it all pointed to a clear conclusion.

It had honestly been remarkably obvious; Clarke was lonely, and had been trying to become their friend. As much of an unknown Clarke happened to be, there were clearly some parts of her that were straight-forward.

"We can." Anya said quietly, but firmly, not wanting to send a message that she was handing her friendship out as a pity present. Clarke's blue eyes found her, the blonde watching her carefully with clear skepticism mixed with hope. "I'm not against you being here, Clarke. You're welcome to stay, I was just confused over why you were around so often. If you want to be friends, I think we can get there, eventually."

Clarke just stared at her for a few long moments before offering a sluggish nod. "Oh, that's...good. Yeah." Clarke stammered out in relief, running a hand through her blonde waves. "I just didn't want to impose."

"You weren't." Anya remarked, gesturing for Clarke to follow her back. They made their way back into the dorm room, Lexa appearing not at all surprised that Clarke had returned, which was a good sign. No matter her cousin's denial over the blonde, it was good to know Lexa still trusted her methods. "Lexa's busy studying still, at least for the next two hours, so you'll have to be quiet like before should you stick around. You're certainly welcome to."

Clarke just nodded at that and returned to her backpack, so Anya settled back in on her bed, picking up her book once again. It was a slight surprise when Clarke joined her, settling in at the end of the bed, Anya's calves and feet in the blonde's lap, Clarke's hands resting gently atop them.

Anya cocked an eyebrow, but the blonde just wasn't paying attention, head falling back to rest against the wall, eyes softly drooping shut; not at all surprising given how tired the blonde usually seemed to be. It wasn't uncomfortable, so Anya just returned focus to the novel and made her way through the chapter.

It was about two chapters later when she felt the hands on her calves start to move, gently pressing, kneading, massaging her muscles. It was a nice feeling, to be frank, nearly drawing an instinctive smile if not for her curiosity.

"Clarke, you don't need to earn your stay here." She let out quietly, startling the blonde at the end of the bed if the full-body jolt was any indication.

"Oh! I'm sorry, I didn't..."

"It's fine, just know I don't take bribes, and they're not warranted." Anya interrupted, just wanting Clarke to understand what she was getting at, and that she hadn't been uncomfortable or taken offense.

Clarke's cheeks went slightly pink as the girl let out a small laugh. "It's not a bribe, I just tend to do that if I'm relaxed." Clarke explained, and Anya couldn't help but glance over at Lexa, who was red-faced and entirely tense, focus clearly not on her studies at the moment despite green eyes burning a hole into the pages of the notebook. "I'm just used to having O or Raven's legs and feet in my lap, and I...well, you know."

"Again, Clarke, it's fine. Do what you will." Anya noted softly, smiling at the thought that Clarke had warmed up to her as well. It had been some time since she'd made a new friend that hadn't come from her hockey team, and it was interesting to see the level of trust Clarke had in her so early on. "What's your schedule tomorrow?"

Clarke let out a faint hum, brow slightly furrowing for a number of seconds, before the blonde's expression leveled out. "My morning's entirely free."

Anya nodded as she turned the page. "Good. Send me the address to the coffee shop, and meet me there tomorrow at eight. Breakfast on me."

She watched the blonde's lips curl into a smile, Clarke's body relaxing once more; it was only minutes later that those hands were back to massaging. It made for a nice, quiet, and relaxing afternoon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I know this chapter was low on Clexa moments, but I kind of needed to set things in motion to foster more of those in future chapters. Two out of the three sections in the next chapter will pretty much be full on Clexa content, so if you're hungry for that, please be patient, it's on its way :)
> 
> Anywho, thanks so much for taking the time to read, I hope all of your weeks are going well!


	8. Chapter 8

Clarke Griffin would be the death of her, Lexa was certain of it. It had been twelve days since exam period started, and the blonde had stopped by her dorm at least once a day. The side of her that was Anya's cousin loved that her roommate would leave each morning with a smile on her face, only to return with cheeks reddened from the cold, and a bigger one aimed at her newest friend. Anya deserved steady companionship, and knowing that Clarke enjoyed the simple company her cousin preferred was something that warmed her heart. And Anya deserved Lexa giving the blonde a tiny bit of a chance in terms of friendship as well, or at least a token attempt at playing nice.

Of course, the side of her that represented the competitive hockey player who may or may not be dealing with a festering attraction to the blonde, that side was less than content. It was frustrating enough to spend so much time with her rival, it was made even worse that Clarke seemed to actively try to dismiss that rivalry in ways which often left Lexa feeling flustered and off-balance.

The worst of it had started seven days ago...

* * *

_Seven Days Ago, Light Hall_

Lexa could hear the laughter before the dorm's door opened up, Anya squeezing through first with a coffee in hand, taking hold of a second temporarily as Clarke removed her boots. Both of them looked wind-burnt from the stormy weather outside, and it certainly couldn't have helped that they had been out on their walk from eight until, as she checked her computer's clock, twenty after eleven.

The only reason Lexa's attention hadn't swiftly returned to her videogame was because Clarke was crossing the dorm room with two cups in hand, Lexa watching as the blonde set one down on her desk with a smile. She eyed the beverage warily for a moment before watching the blonde retreat and flop backwards onto Anya's legs, her cousin having settled onto her bed for some late-morning reading.

"If you're so exhausted, Clarke..." Anya began, taking hold of a pillow as Clarke and her ceiling-bound gaze remained oblivious to the danger. "...then please, let me help you _rest_." Her cousin finished with a hard thwap to the blonde's face, sending Clarke rolling off the bed and onto the floor to protect herself from a second attack.

Lexa just grinned and unpaused her game, deciding to drown out whatever ensuing bickering went on between Anya and the blonde. Just by the tone of Anya's deadpan sarcasm and Clarke's playful comebacks, it was clear that they were just enjoying riling the other up.

Fifteen minutes later, though, the damn Drengin Empire kept milling away at her with attacks in Gal Civ, and when one of her colony shifts was intercepted, she couldn't help but groan in frustration. "Oh come the fuck on, what are the odds?" She asked no one in particular as she scrapped a good portion of her plans, and got started on some to confront the increasingly annoying Drengin threat and crush them.

"Lexa, no one needs to hear you whining about imaginary alien armies whooping your ass." Anya sniped from across the room, gaze still locked onto whatever dystopian novel she was hooked on these days.

Lexa planned on ignoring her cousin's response to her accidental outburst, she really had, and was doing well at sticking to that plan. Clarke Griffin had to screw it up, of course.

"At least she's cute when she gets angry. You just get scary, Anya." Clarke noted offhandedly, Lexa's eyes immediately darting to the blonde who, one again, was resting on Anya's bed, with her back to the wall and her cousin's legs in her lap. Not at all a position she envied Anya over, even if Clarke could certainly fit on _her_ bed, and Lexa's legs _were_ feeling a bit stiff. Even if she might have been able to admit, in return, if just in her own head, that a bundled up, red-cheeked Clarke was a little cute as well.

"Now, Clarke, is this you finally confessing that I scared you that first time we met? Were you shaking in your Nine West knee highs when I got up in your face?"Anya teased with a smug grin, voice full of mirth as she peered over her novel.

Clarke just laughed, though her deep blush was a bit of a dead giveaway. "I'd like to think it was a character-building moment for the both of us. I learned that you can activate my fight or flight response, and you learned that having your breath smell like lemon drops sort of dulls the impact of that homicidal aura you use to your advantage."

"Would cherry be more menacing?" Anya asked flatly, returning her focus to the book once more.

"Well, hard liquor would probably bring out that essence of _'Potential Loose Cannon'_ that could make grown men piss themselves, but I'm sure cherry would work just fine if you're looking to kiss girls to the soundtrack of Katy Perry. Both equally intimidating, for different reasons." Clarke shot back with a wide smile, which only descended into laughter when a pillow smacked her in the face again. "Oh come on, half the girls on my team would piss themselves if they had a shot at kissing you. You bring out some interesting desires in my fellow Eagles, I'll have you know."

"I...would rather not have known that. Thank you, Clarke." Anya let out, posture stiffening slightly as her cousin shook her head.

Lexa watched Clarke's hands move to Anya's feet for a massage as the blonde just smiled all bright and happy, as if the verbal exchange had made her day. "You're welcome."

She shook her head and returned to her game, deciding Clarke was complicated, and it was much better to spend her designated recreation time on something enjoyable like Galactic Civilizations than wondering about why Clarke thought she was cute, or what she could do to make Clarke smile like that.

* * *

_Six Days Ago, Light Hall_

It hit below zero without wind-chill for the first time that season, and Lexa could admit that the insulation in Light Hall was definitely lacking. She and Anya had a nifty little space heater that managed to curb some of the chill, but it was hard to take notes when the chill had her fingers feeling like icicles.

With the space heater positioned in a way that would best heat the whole room, instead of just Lexa, she knew there was only one realistic way to get warmer: bundle up. Anya was under the covers and had her headphones on, eyes closed as she relaxed. A state of being that Lexa intensely envied, given that it'd be over a week until her own finals were over.

Still, it provided a nice enough distraction so Lexa could carefully and quietly sneak down the length of her bed, arm blindly reaching down to where she knew the oversized hoodie was. She wouldn't risk the extra time tracking down the fingerless mittens that had been left there on accident, knowing that the discarded hoodie looked a lot like one of her less warm ones, whereas she didn't own a pair of mittens. The last thing she needed was Anya getting on her case about wanting to be warm.

With practiced ease, Lexa pulled the hoodie on over her head and carefully made her way back to where she'd been working on her notes, a small smile on her face at how much warmer she felt with the big sweater on. It had everything to do with how well it trapped air and insulated her body heat, and nothing at all to do with the fact that it was Clarke's, and still smelled like the blonde's signature jasmine vanilla mixture.

In minutes, she was as warm as she could want in a cold, wintery study session, a pleasant aroma calming her nerves and helping her focus.

When Anya got out of bed an hour later and immediately left the room, Lexa thought nothing of it. When Anya returned and stopped by her own desk, and hovered there for a little bit, Lexa figured Anya was just looking for something.

It was Anya's hand striking out like a python, fingers smearing something across her cheek, that caught her off guard and had her reeling away in response, hand lifting to touch whatever she'd been attacked with.

"There, now you're covered in her paint, too. Perhaps one day, she'll draw you like one of her French girls." Anya spoke with that annoyingly devious smirk of hers, hand raised to reveal the teal paint that Clarke had used earlier in the day.

Decidedly caught with her hand in the proverbial cookie jar, Lexa hopped off her bed and stormed off to the bathroom to wash her face of the paint. Still, as she looked at her freshly washed face a minute or so later, she knew Anya had made her point. It would be safe to keep wearing the warm garment.

And as much as she was embarrassed to have been caught wearing it, she really did value warmth and quality studying over the alternative.

* * *

_Four Days Ago, Render Coffee_

Lexa was exhausted as she left the train car, feeling a little embarrassed that she'd walked the short distance from Snell Library to the train, only to take a remarkably short trip and save a few minutes of walking. Indra had held a final practice the previous night, and combined with an early morning exam and a study session shortly after to prep for her next one, she was physically and mentally exhausted. All Lexa wanted to do was grab a hot chocolate and get home so she could at least relax in bed and maybe have a nice mid-afternoon nap.

The fact that the biting cold from a few days ago had been replaced by a warmer, wetter blizzard only made her day that much more exhausting, knowing the ten minute walk home from the coffee shop would feel much longer than it actually was.

Thankfully, the walk to Render Coffee from the train stop was a brief one, and soon enough, she was entering the small hole-in-the-wall café, shoving her gloves into her pockets, and getting in line. And maybe she allowed herself a small smile, knowing some chocolatey goodness was on its way.

It was when she was two back from the counter that she found herself digging around her bag and finding nothing but a few quarters for currency. A small bit of shock and frustration kicked in before she remembered her pre-exam rituals, how she cut herself off from vending machines of any sort before exams to keep from distracting herself with food when she could be studying or resting.

Checking her theory, she did a more thorough check and found seventy five cents, no bills of any sort, and no cards she could make payment with. Lexa cast a yearning glance at the menu a few feet away and stepped out of the line, allowing herself a frown over her misfortune.

"Hey...Lexa? Is everything alright?" A familiar voice froze Lexa in place, Clarke Griffin leaving the line to join her a few feet off to the side where she'd been momentarily pondering her lack of luck. Which, really, just had Lexa feeling exponentially less lucky.

"I'm fine, Clarke. I just forgot my money at home today." Lexa noted quietly, her mind calculating how best to end their interaction and leave the shop as soon as possible.

"Well, it's crappy out, and I heard you had an exam today, so it wouldn't be right for you to head home empty-handed. I came in for a hot chocolate, why don't I grab one for you while I'm up there, my treat?" The blonde asked, one of those infuriatingly pleasant smiles blazing across her face, turning Lexa's insides to goo for about the millionth time that month so far.

How Clarke could be so nice to her was a puzzle in and of itself, especially since Lexa knew she'd given the blonde no reason to be. Since Octavia's party, she'd largely avoided her, and rarely spoken to her despite her rival being around far more often than before. Still, she was exhausted, and cold, and she had really been looking forward to some hot chocolate.

Maybe she could carve out a bit of leeway in her strategy of coping with her feelings, if it would allow her to enjoy some post-exam chocolatey warmth, and to try and accommodate Anya's friendship with Clarke.

Feeling a little more resolute now, Lexa pulled her bottle from her bag and handed it over to Clarke, hoping the half a dollar expense for using something not store-sponsored to fill up was something the blonde could stomach.

Thankfully, Clarke just accepted it, offered a parting smile, and got back in line, leaving Lexa to find somewhere to wait. It took a few moments to realize there was an empty table at the back of the shop, and only a few seconds more for her to plant herself down on a chair and claim it for herself, deciding a walk home can wait for a little bit while she took a well earned rest.

One she had little reason to take if not for Clarke Griffin. _Maybe...maybe I'll be nicer when she returns. If Anya is trying to be friends with her, then...then maybe I can find a middle ground for her between rival and...well, an impossible title. She doesn't have to be my friend for me to be friendlier with her, I don't think. I don't have to give in to fantasies of her bundled up in wintery clothes, holding my hand as we take an early evening stroll, cheeks pink from the chill and perhaps from something idiotic that's spilled from my lips, those blue eyes shining with all the warmth and light of summer in the frigid darkness of winter. I can just...appreciate how..._

The sound and sight of a black and red thing being set down in front of her with enthusiasm startled her from her thoughts, arm flailing slightly as she turned to face the intruder. It was the sight of Clarke that immediately had Lexa feeling sheepish for letting herself be so tired as to be caught off guard by the blonde.

"Uh...Lexa?" Clarke asked with a mix of confusion and concern, blue eyes darting between Lexa and the table.

It was then that she realized Clarke had indeed filled her bottle, but in her brief moment of being startled, Lexa had knocked over her supposedly topple-proof bottle, a slow stream of hot chocolate escaping its spout as a defining measure of its betrayal.

She could feel her cheeks flush red, hot with embarrassment over the fact that she'd spilled the hot chocolate she'd been given so kindly, despite her bottle claiming to protect against such egregiously embarrassing incidents. There was no coming back from this, for surely this was the valley of death and she had dug herself a deep enough hole to at least hide in.

"Um...why don't I...just..." Clarke noted hesitantly as the girl's hand took hold of her mutinous bottle and set it upright, though its betrayal had more than earned a sustained death glare. She had planned on being nicer, friendlier to Clarke, not making herself appear foolish in front of the blonde.

"Okay...anyway, I'm heading out, so take care, alright?" Clarke continued, and while Lexa knew she had every right to just ignore the world around her when she was embarrassed, she knew that Clarke was trying. In Anya's words from that party over a week ago, Clarke was putting in the effort to be friendly with her, and despite the minor catastrophe with her bottle, she could do the same.

So she turned her head, met Clarke's entirely perplexed and oddly worried gaze, and offered as much of a smile as she could muster. "You too, Clarke. Thank you."

Watching Clarke's face light up from her small bit of kindness was a little confusing, but it had her insides feeling all warm and gooey again, and that wasn't particularly a bad thing. It's just that when she chased those feelings with a long sip of hot chocolate, she knew she couldn't chalk it up as 'pre-emptive joy from tasting a delicious chocolate beverage'. That simply wasn't a real thing, or at least not strong enough to inspire what Lexa felt as Clarke beamed back at her, offered a cute little wave, and practically bounced out of the café.

Lexa knew she could be treading into dangerous territory, and she'd need all the help she could get. And certainly more hot chocolate.

* * *

_Three Days Ago, Light Hall_

Lexa was in a pretty great mood, all things considered. She'd spent most of the morning studying for her last two exams and revising her study guide, and then she'd split the afternoon between a solid workout at the gym and getting some shopping done for the holidays.

And though her brain felt like mush, and absolutely incapable of harnessing the focus necessary in playing her beloved strategy games, doing a mini marathon of an old favourite on her laptop was more than entertaining enough for her to relax to. Especially since she had a bag of gummi bears hanging around as a reward for her efforts in academia, and while she'd meant to make them last over the final few days of exams, it wasn't like she hadn't already deserved them, having aced the three exams she'd written thus far.

And so, a few hours later found Lexa curled up in bed, a bowl of gummis at her side, and her laptop displaying the ninth episode of Supernatural, a bit of a guilty pleasure of hers. While she adored seasons four and five the most, the first one was often the most cathartic to watch, and she felt tremendously fortunate that Anya wasn't there to give her an amused smirk at the stray tears rolling down her cheeks.

Her psych prof would probably call her emotions projecting, and perhaps he'd be right in that assertion, but it didn't make the episode any less emotional for her. It always brought back memories of her own mother, before the car accident took her parents away from her, leaving her in the care of Anya and her cousin's largely absentee parents. Of course it wasn't remotely the same, but she'd always felt some empathy with the Winchester boys, relying on each other and wishing their dad was around more had reflected her and Anya's familial relationship, at least on a base level.

After all, Gus and Luna weren't her real parents, but they were Anya's, and Lexa would have to be blind to miss how the weight of their absence affected her cousin who, more or less, became a second mother to her, even if their ages were more sisterly than anything. And so, as she watched Sam and Dean fumble around their childhood home, hope and fear in their hearts over the possibilities the haunting offered, she saw a lot of Anya in Dean's bitterness, his tight grasp on the good memories of his mother and the trauma over her loss and having to start a brand new life suddenly. Lexa knew that when Luna returned to her job in D.C. as a publicist, Anya had gone from having a stay at home mom and a father who was eager to get home to his family, to a mom that was rarely ever home and a father who needed increasingly dramatic excuses to come home from work before her bedtime. And, soon after, having to grow up far too fast, far too young, to take care of her little brother and cousin.

And in Sam's yearning for answers, to know his mom, she saw herself. Certainly not a direct parallel by any stretch, but she'd been ten when she'd been shipped off to live with Anya, and she'd changed tremendously as a person since then, to the point where she often wondered what her mother would think of her. If her mother would recognize her, even. Where Anya was happy to cherish the good moments in the past and deal with the present, Lexa so often found herself looking back, wanting answers to a slew of 'what if's, simply wanting more of what she'd lost, two parents who she never truly knew due to her age obscuring the intricacies of their character and personalities and histories.

Not that she'd ever put her yearning to words. The tears were enough of a mourning process for that fantasy.

A knock at the door, however, immediately had Lexa's heart stopped, hoping and praying that it was just Sofia from down the hall asking to borrow something. She could ignore Sofia.

Instead, the door creaked open, a familiar blonde head peeking in, the intruder's face twisting in confusion just as Lexa wiped at her eyes. "Anya? Are you..." Clarke started, before her eyes locked onto Lexa, and all of that confusion fell away to a heap of concern. "Oh my god, Lexa, what's wrong? Did something happen?"

Clarke Griffin. Lexa had thought she'd seen the last of her rival that day after the blonde only stuck around for a few minutes after the usual morning walk. As Clarke ventured closer cautiously, Lexa's brain raced through her memories to try and understand why the blonde had shown up so uncharacteristically late, eventually pausing a bit on a vague recollection of Anya asking Griffin to stop by later to point out what art supplies Lincoln might like.

Except, Lincoln had called Anya away an hour ago, complaining about his apartment's recurring plumbing issue that Anya always seemed to have the magic touch for.

"Anya's at Lincoln's to deal with a minor emergency, but she should be back soon." Lexa spoke, barely stifling her anger at her voice for sounding so hoarse and thick, absolutely betraying her emotional state and casting aside any and all doubts that she was a little emotional at the moment.

"Okay, that's alright, I can wait." The blonde noted with an entirely annoying softness as Clarke inched ever closer, entirely misguided in her worry. "But...are you alright?"

"I'm fine, Clarke." Lexa forced out as Clarke moved to her side, close enough to see and hear what she was watching, to catch her red-handed as she enjoyed a guilty pleasure. Silently, she waited for the jovial feedback she'd seen Clarke give Anya when the younger girl would tease her cousin over musical tastes.

Instead, she was met with a gasp, one soft-looking manicured hand of Clarke's moving to cover the girl's mouth in surprise. "Is this the episode that Sam meets his mom for the first time?" Clarke asked in a hushed, perhaps conspiratorial whisper, the girl leaning closer to get a better look. "Oh no, Dean's calling his dad! This part always makes me cry."

Lexa clicked pause on VLC and dared a glance up at the blonde and was stunned to see Clarke's eyes had already welled up with tears, mouth quivering just enough for her to tell that the girl was definitely fighting emotions. _Well...maybe this doesn't have to end up in my absolute embarrassment like what happened yesterday. Maybe...maybe I can try to be nice like last time, without betrayal and catastrophe striking me down..._

"If you'd like...you can watch the show with me? While you wait?" Lexa asked, letting herself be a little brave, knowing that while she had limits, this was within them. At least, she imagined that watching a TV show with Clarke wasn't too much. She'd certainly healed enough after Costia to manage something as simple as that, she figured.

"I'd like that, thanks. I love this show." Clarke offered alongside another trademark smile that had Lexa feeling fortunate that the lights were off, so that Clarke couldn't witness her blush so easily.

Lexa shifted over on her bed, making room for the blonde, who sat directly beside her, thigh to thigh. Not that she blamed Clarke, given how narrow her bed was. Still, it meant having to remain vigilant so as to not fall victim to the blonde's alluring and ever present fragrance. It also meant picking up her bowl of gummies and trying to figure out a good place to put them.

"Sorry if I'm being nosy, but do you not like the red ones, or are you just saving them for last?" Clarke asked, gesturing to the bowl that had largely been picked clean of the good flavours, leaving all the undesirables to collect in a disappointing heap. Usually, she got a smaller amount of them, but to her dismay, her bag had been half filled with red gummies.

"I'm not a fan." Lexa answered simply, wishing she'd gotten more pineapple, orange, lime and lemon ones instead of the mass of gross artificial strawberry and cherry-flavoured ones.

Lexa watched Clarke rummage in her bag for a few moments before the blonde pulled out a bag of skittles, promptly tearing it open and pouring them into Lexa's bowl. Though she knew that she'd probably already had her fill of sugar for the night, the fact that the bag had been mostly full of her favourite flavours was a little enticing.

"Well, if you can handle everything that's not red, maybe I can take care of the ones you don't like?" Clarke asked with hope blooming in her eyes.

"I can't fathom how you enjoy the red candies, but...by all means, eat the bad ones." Lexa shot back with a bit of playfulness, hoping that maybe Clarke might be alright with that.

"Hey now, I'd like to think this is a mutually beneficial bit of diplomacy. I eat your rebellious reds, and you eat my insurrectionist grapes and lemons, we pick off the rest, claim a stalemate when we're done, and continue on as feared rulers of our respective domains. Nothing goes to waste, and it's a win-win." Clarke spoke, voice taking on a particularly regal tone, blue eyes twinkling in amusement as the blonde pretended to conspire with her.

"Well, if sending our dissidents to a chewy, delicious death is the price to secure the prosperity of our domains, then I suppose I will have to make that difficult decision." Lexa shot back as she got settled and comfy again, wishing her warm spot was still entirely hers, but sharing it with Clarke wasn't terrible.

"We bear it so they don't have to." Clarke returned with a bright smile, a brief laugh escaping her before the blonde practically snuggled up beside her. And sure, Clarke was on top of the covers rather than under them like Lexa was, but it didn't change that her heart was very intent on pumping as much blood through her cheeks as possible because of it all.

Happy to have enjoyed a little reprieve from the emotions of the show, Lexa started the episode up again, happy to be able to continue her mini-marathon unopposed. Having company who also enjoyed the show turned that guilty pleasure into something a little less guilty, and a little more pleasurable, even if it was involving her rival of sorts. Her rival who was also becoming one of Anya's closest friends.

Over the course of the next hour or so, they watched on in silence, more or less, hands only occasionally touching when they dug around for their preferred candies. And maybe their shoulders had been touching since about ten minutes into watching together, but it's not like Lexa was at all distracted because of it. She certainly hadn't spent half of the asylum episode wondering about what going on a road trip with Clarke would be like. Perhaps during the spring, windows down, Clarke's blonde tresses blowing in the breeze as they made their way down some less-traveled road, skin sunkissed from the hiking they'd done during their adventures.

So it was definitely understandably surprising when, after being entirely alert and aware since the blonde had curled up beside her, she suddenly found Clarke's head slumped against her shoulder, and an arm loosely wrapped around her own. How Clarke had gone from awake to asleep in a split second, Lexa couldn't say, or even guess as to how it was possible. After all, it definitely wasn't possible that Clarke had fallen asleep minutes ago, since Lexa most certainly hadn't been daydreaming. At _all_.

It was all so disorienting, but Lexa was a trooper, she could improvise and handle such surprises with grace and tact.

Which is why she held the line and continued watching the show as Clarke used her shoulder as a pillow.

It was the only right thing to do; Clarke, after all, usually seemed tired more often than not, and who was she to deny the girl at least a brief nap? And, _of course_ , if she took some enjoyment in the situation, well, she couldn't at all be blamed. Not when she was prioritizing Clarke's sleep and comfort.

It was an hour or so later when Anya finally returned from the mini-emergency at Lincoln's, where apparently his plumbing situation had been more serious than thought. Anya looked absolutely wiped and annoyed and all sorts of grimy from her work.

On the plus side, though, her cousin seemed too worked up to poke fun at her for her current situation. Anya just let out a brief sigh, shook her head for whatever reason, covered Clarke with one of the many hoodies that the blonde had accidentally left in their dorm, and kissed Lexa's forehead before grabbing some clothes from her dresser.

"I'm taking a shower, then I'm waking Clarke up. You can enjoy your cuddle buddy for a while longer, little one." Anya spoke, exhaustion dripping from each syllable, before the woman promptly left the dorm room. In terms of parting shots meant to fluster her, that one was a bit weaker than usual, so Lexa made a mental note to text Lincoln later about what had gone on.

In the meantime, she'd finish episode twelve and let herself relax for a little while longer. Clarke was warm, and jasmine-vanilla was such a wonderful scent, so she just turned her focus back to her laptop and continued her mini marathon, fighting each and every impulse to rest her head atop Clarke's.

* * *

_Present Day_

The past seven days had certainly ramped up her frustrations with Clarke's new presence in her life, especially that evening where Clare had fallen asleep on her. That showed, to some extent, a level of trust that Lexa wasn't sure she'd deserved, and a level of intimacy that was seductive just thinking about it. She'd gone years without anything sexual, and she was comfortable continuing that way, but the past few days had stirred up a yearning inside of her for something involving that particular kind of intimacy, perhaps to a slightly greater magnitude, even. Lexa wasn't certain how comfortable she was with those newly resurfaced desires, especially given how unlikely they were to be fulfilled any time soon.

Which, of course, wasn't unreasonable at all to feel concerned over, but Clarke Griffin was frustrating the hell out of her in providing instances where such a possibility seemed as if it was within reach. Like how ten minutes ago, Clarke had bumped into her as she'd been leaving Render Coffee, and Lexa could barely process that the blonde was wrapping a scarf around her neck before it was all over and done with. Certainly, the offer was thoughtful, given the temperature had unexpectedly dropped a few degrees over the past two hours, and she'd dressed a little lighter than she should have. And, as with seemingly everything the blonde owned, it smelled tremendously wonderful, which made the walk home rather fantastic, but Lexa knew Anya was home.

And Anya would absolutely go to town on her accepting _another_ gift from Clarke.

So it was that thought in mind that Lexa ascended into Light hall with a little trepidation. Anya had been giving her strange looks the past few days, and she knew it was building towards something. What, she wasn't sure yet, but Anya rarely did anything without a reason.

Lexa kicked the snow off her boots and headed into her dorm, immediately spotting Anya on her respective bed, nose buried in another book. She stripped her boots off and grabbed one of the thicker sweaters on the floor by her bed, swapping her winter coat for it, not wanting to lose the warmth she'd manage to maintain on her walk home to the chilly confines of her dorm.

She'd just plopped down on her bed when Anya set her book down and gave her a careful look over. "You were wearing Clarke's scarf." Her cousin spoke flatly, expression absolutely blank and frustratingly impossible to read.

"I was." Lexa responded carefully as she flipped open her laptop and powered it on.

"You're wearing her sweater." Anya continued in the same tone, clearly prodding for something; what, Lexa wasn't entirely sure, so she decided to keep her own responses similarly simple.

"If it's _hers_ , then yes, I am." She admitted, knowing Clarke had a tendency to leave a bit of a mess each time she visited the dorm. There was always something left behind; usually clothing, but sometimes paints, or cookies, or whatnot. Lexa didn't feel that it was too terribly bad if she mistook an article of clothing for her own from time to time.

"You're smarter than to try and fool me, little one." Anya offered in a low, warning tone, eyes narrowing at her. It wasn't often at all that Anya would use that nickname in a way that wasn't positive or playful, so Lexa was immediately alert and trying to figure out what this was all about.

"Okay, so I _might_ have been aware that the sweater was probably Clarke's when I put it on. Maybe if your newest friend wasn't so _flighty_ , she'd remember to take her clothes back with her when she leaves." Lexa shot back, knowing that saying more than that first sentence was probably a bad idea, but she really didn't like being put on the defensive about Clarke Goddamn Griffin after a long day of studying, writing an exam, and running into the blonde yet again on her way home.

Lexa braced herself for a sharp retort, knowing how quick Anya could be at shutting her down when her cousin felt she needed to learn something. Instead, Anya's laugh filled the room, though it was capped off with a disbelieving scoff and a shake of the head.

"Are you really that dense? Did I not rai... _Lexa..._ you're certainly capable of understanding why Clarke just happens to leave her things behind, especially after today, if you took her scarf." Anya asserted, amber eyes boring into her own with a clear mix of confusion and concern, especially as Lexa remained silent, not entirely certain about Clarke's motives. "Lexa, why did she give you her scarf, today?"

Lexa's brow furrowed in confusion because that answer was obvious. "Because I was cold."

Anya's head dipped forward, an expectant expression taking over her cousin's face as Lexa's brain reluctantly decided to put the final pieces to the puzzle together. "She leaves her clothes behind...because she wants me to be warm." Lexa continued as the simple truth came to her, knowing if she'd voiced her conclusion as a question, Anya would probably smack her in the face with something. Probably the salsa on her desk.

"She affectionately calls our dorm the 'Ice Box', and since I bundle up here, and you rarely do, she leaves shit around your bed _all the time_ in hopes you'll wear it." Anya clarified, and Lexa could only nod, having recalled Clarke talking about how cold their dorm was from time to time. "Point being, she's my friend, and since you're important to me, you're important to her. But we _both_ know she genuinely likes you regardless, and you can coexist with her without imploding from UST, so maybe you keep up the whole friendly attitude with her? I just don't want you bristling around her because you think you can't be her friend, even though you can clearly get along with her."

Lexa sat there as she digested Anya's words, finally realizing what the tension and teasing over the past few days had been about. Anya had seen her and Clarke curled up in bed and made the call that she and Clarke could probably manage to at least be friendly, as a rule. And perhaps Lexa was already heading in that direction willingly, but she didn't understand why Anya was making such a big deal about it.

"You just started being friends with her late last month. Isn't it a little much to ask me to be friends with a rival of mine?" Lexa asked, knowing she was bullshitting a little, but wanting to get closer to the root of why Anya was doing this, and a little bit of hostility tended to do the trick.

"Oh cut the crap, Lexa, she's hardly your rival, and you've hardly acted like she is. You wear her clothes, accept her gifts, you watched TV together. Hell, Clarke refuses to talk about it, but I know you two talked for a while in the washroom at Octavia's party, and neither of you left worse for wear." Anya railed off, frustration simmering with each word. "She's the first _genuine_ friend I've found outside of hockey since freshman year that I can see sticking around, who actually _likes_ me, and not the reputation I carry around. She's..."

Lexa waited for Anya to finish her sentence, but her cousin's jaw just clamped shut in frustration, probably that she'd been so open. She knew that Anya hated the mere thought of burdening her with emotional baggage, and while Lexa was perfectly happy and willing to help with it, she knew it made Anya uncomfortable.

Still, she knew it was important to insert herself enough to let Anya know her point was made. "She's important to you." Lexa noted softly, watching as tension slowly left her cousin's posture. "I'll be better around her, then. If she's really earned your stamp of approval, then I can manage that, at least. I can make the effort."

Anya got up from her bed and slowly made her way to Lexa, leaning down enough to touch forehead to forehead. "That's all I ask." Her cousin whispered, a smile stretching across her lips. "I knew there was a reason why you're my favourite."

"I always thought it was because I don't drag you around for plumbing related emergencies late at night." Lexa joked, startling when she felt something soft and slightly fuzzy make impact with her cheek as Anya stepped away, holding a pair of fingerless gloves that could turn into mittens. "Seriously?"

Anya just laughed and casually lobbed the gloves at her. "To keep your hands warm while you're on the computer getting pissed off at imaginary alien invaders."

Lexa just rolled her eyes and slipped the gloves on as she returned her focus to her laptop, liking how lightweight and soft they were. She only stifled a smile because she was certain Anya was watching. And while she loved her cousin, she just could not encourage the woman's love of smacking people in the face with random things.

But she would make an effort to be friendly with Clarke, and cast off her frustrations to the best of her ability. Perhaps there wasn't a need for a rivalry between them in order to keep her feelings and attraction in check. Perhaps she and the blonde could be friendly, and get along, especially if Anya found such value in Clarke's friendship.

Lexa was pretty sure she could manage that. She certainly hoped she could.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I'd initially planned on having a lot more content in this chapter, but the minor instances of Lexa's run-ins with Clarke kind of got away from me in spots, and expanded a bit too much for me to feel comfortable with my original plans for the chapter. So instead of a massive double-size chapter, here's a regular sized one to whet your whistle until the next installment.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed the generally lighthearted silliness this time around
> 
> The gummi encounter was inspired by a prompt from here: http://jefferbelle.tumblr.com/post/114277956079/another-au-list


	9. Chapter 9

Clarke was capital E excited as she left the train and stepped out into Forest Hill Station, both anxious and hopeful that she'd fully prepared herself for the nature walk Anya had in store for her. She'd known about the Arboretum, and had walked by it a time or two, but had never really gone inside, so she was pretty thrilled at the prospect of experiencing it in winter first, then maybe returning as seasons changed. She'd spent over an hour prepping and packing, making sure she had everything she could possibly need stuffed into her backpack or coat; she was thankful that it hadn't been another eight AM walk, and that Anya had given her time to plan ahead.

It was the middle of winter, and it had snowed a fair bit the previous night, and it was a sunny, slightly warmer than normal day as well, so everything was shining and bright and wonderful. Thankfully, despite the ideal conditions, it was the middle of the week, so the area wasn't entirely crowded. Clarke was pretty sure it wouldn't take long to track down her friend and start their mini adventure.

She traversed out of the station and cast her gaze around the surrounding area, scanning for Anya's familiar big creamy white parka, feeling a little confused when it was nowhere in sight. Clarke checked her phone for the time and frowned, knowing Anya was routinely ten minutes early, and it was exactly noon. There was no way Anya was ten minutes later than usual.

Feeling a little concerned, Clarke dialed the woman's number and listened as the dial tone repeated itself over, and over. Just as she reached Anya's voicemail message, however, Clarke spotted a familiar, if unexpected face a fair ways away, and a potential reason may have popped up in her mind just then.

She waited for the beep to leave Anya a message before turning away and whispering into her phone. "Anya, did you _seriously_ set up a ploy to get me and Lexa out together? Because damn it, this is going to be _super_ awkward. I fucking swear to god, Anya. Call me back."

Clarke could just imagine her newest friend cackling at her voicemail and the whole orchestrated situation. Anya was just enough of a troublemaker to toss her and Lexa in the proverbial pot and stir up whatever shit she could, knowing Clarke was still nursing a lingering crush on the woman's cousin.

It was only half a minute of awkward pacing and intense deliberation later that her phone buzzed again. Clarke quickly swiped open the new text and allowed herself a scowl.

_'On the bright side, Clarke, there's someone who is obsessed with wildlife nearby. Maybe toss on the charm and she'll be your guide? I won't be able to make the walk, but I'll make lunch. I'll txt later with details.'_

It all seemed far too planned to be a coincidence, but Anya WAS right. She had been looking forward to some sightseeing in the arboretum, and Lexa would probably do a decent job at guiding her eyes during the outing.

Deciding to just rip the proverbial Band-Aid off, Clarke cautiously made her way across the courtyard to where Lexa was sitting on a bench, only gaining the brunette's attention when Clarke passed right in front of her and sat down a foot or so beside her.

"Clarke...! What are you..." Lexa stumbled out, quickly working her way through her initial surprise to a creeping suspicion. "Anya."

Clarke just offered a nod at the girl's growled prediction. "Yep. She can't make the walk, but she'll be up for lunch, supposedly." She added, shooting Lexa a sheepish smile. "Seems like she set us up for some reason." Clarke finished with a nervous laugh, wanting to kick herself for stating the obvious and making it that much more awkward.

Lexa just buried her head in her hands and let out a string of indecipherable muttered words, clearly not impressed at the situation. Still, the girl did eventually lift her head. "Did you drive here?"

"No. Because it snowed a lot last night, and Raven wasn't big on her baby getting all frosty, I lent her my SUV for the day. It's her second last exam, and I thought I'd be going on a nice walk, anyway, so it made sense at the time." Clarke rambled, feeling unsure now about her odds of going on that walk, since Lexa basically hinted at getting a drive home.

"It's what, an hour's commute on public transit back to Boston College?" Lexa asked after letting out a long, tired sigh. She didn't blame the girl, their situation was exasperating at the very least.

"It's closer to fifty, so it's not _that_ bad. Just sucks, because it's such a nice afternoon, you know?" Clarke asked rhetorically, though Lexa still nodded along, her gaze flitting towards the arboretum. There was enough yearning in those deep green eyes for Clarke to throw out some bait and see what she could catch. "Anya practically freaked when I told her I'd never actually walked around inside of the place. Smacked me in the face with a handful of snow for being a heathen."

"Justifiable. You missed a spectacular autumn, Clarke." Lexa noted with a thoughtful nod, and okay, maybe she could accept that she'd slacked on seeing the sights around town since she arrived. But was it really so bad to have not seen a well known park until it was a covered in snow? Clarke didn't think so.

"Wellll..." Clarke dragged out, wondering if her little gambit would work. "It's a spectacular day out, and we're already here. Maybe you could show me around a wintery wonderland, and I'd owe you? I was hoping to see some birds, but maybe there's not a lot of that going on this time of year."

Lexa perked up at that, eyes widening ever so slightly in excitement. "Actually, winter is a great time to go bird watching, since the bare branches help make what birds are still around far more visible. And the largely monochromatic environment can really provide contrast to the colour of the birds' coats. Northern Cardinals and Blue Jays are actually very easy to spot in the winter, same with..." Lexa rambled passionately, only to come to an abrupt halt, a fierce blush taking over her cheeks as the girl attempted to regain her previously calm composure. "Anyway, it's definitely possible to go bird watching this time of year, Clarke."

"Would it be possible for you to be my wilderness guide, then? I mean, you're clearly an expert...it could be fun? I promise not to talk all that much?" She asked, teeth gnawing into her slightly chapped lower lip, hoping to win the brunette over.

Clarke liked to think that over the past few days, they'd gotten closer, maybe enough to be acquaintances now. After all, she HAD accidentally fallen asleep on the girl, and Lexa hadn't seemed to mind; that had to mean _something_. And Lexa had cried a little in front of her, so that had to show some level of trust, right? Clarke was pretty sure it did, at least. And despite how oddly clumsy and passionate Lexa was, the girl really did try hard to seem cool and collected, and Clarke found that entirely endearing.

Especially as she watched Lexa's face contort ever so slightly, likely some internal conflict going on behind those forest-green eyes. It wasn't usual that Clarke saw Lexa without her trademark eyeliner on, and despite the slightly intense look of concentration on her face, Lexa seemed a little softer. Both looks definitely had merit, but for whatever reason, Clarke was sort of happy Lexa had avoided the eyeliner that day.

"I...suppose I could show you around the park." Lexa noted quietly as she got up off the bench, Clarke quickly following suit in excitement to finally experience one of the nicer outdoorsy areas in the city. "After all, I did finish my last exam this morning, so I technically don't have any plans outside of the ones Anya broke."

Clarke could feel herself light up in excitement, and tried her damnedest to tamp down on all of that, at least a little bit. She'd spent the past two weeks or so watching Lexa pound her way through study sessions and exams, and she was just honestly thrilled for the brunette that it was all over.

"That's right! Wow, you must be really excited to just kick back and relax for the rest of the holidays." Clarke exclaimed happily, only realizing she was going for a hug about two seconds too late. Thankfully, Lexa's eyes widening clued her in, and she aborted in time, though not without an awkward light jab to the brunette's shoulder. "Proud of you for getting through them." She added, trying to fight her way through the awkwardness.

Lexa's eyes narrowed at her, and maybe there was the smallest upward curve on her lips, but it could have been her mind playing tricks. "Anya already smacks me in the face, Clarke. Are you trying to start up a new habit of assaulting my shoulders?"

Clarke could feel her cheeks rush with blood in embarrassment, hands cracking at her joints in nervousness. "I...don't know what to do with my hands, sometimes. Sorry." Clarke explained, hoping Lexa would just let them move on from the topic. When the brunette just started to shake ever so slightly with suppressed laughter, Clarke decided a change of plans was necessary. "Oh! Wait, now I do."

Quickly, she fished for her phone and sidled up beside Lexa, quickly snapping a selfie of the both of them. "We have to have some kind of record of my first visit to the arboretum." She noted with a broad smile, ignoring Lexa's unimpressed pout for the moment as she posted the photo to her Instagram.

_'Happy coincidence meeting this one on the way to the arboretum. Going bird watching! #noeaglestoday #winterwonderland'_ Clarke typed away, earning a loud sigh from her walking partner as she finished. It was worth it, though, knowing that her friends might get a kick out of it, and that it really wasn't a bad picture of the both of them.

"Are you ready now, Clarke?" Lexa asked, and maybe she felt a little bad at how tired the girl sounded, so she put her shenanigans on hold for a while and stashed her phone. However, she still wanted to make the most of her walk, so she pulled her camera out of her backpack and slung its strap around her neck.

"All set!" She offered in response, flinging both of her thumbs up and sending the brunette a cheeky smile before clueing into a simple, happy fact. "Oh! I'm happy you're still wearing this. It looks much better on you than me." She added as she stepped closer to Lexa and adjusted the scarf she'd given her the other day. Honestly, it really did look fantastic on her.

Lexa just ducked her head and led the way towards the arboretum, but Clarke could see a deep blush on the girl's cheeks. Whatever it meant, it was definitely better than Lexa ignoring or glaring at her, so she'd very happily accept some blushing if it meant they were on better terms.

Clarke was just striding to catch up with Lexa when the brunette practically spun on her heel, jaw set and eyes focused in determination. "Your scarf is warm, and I appreciate it, Clarke." Lexa spoke, words coming out a little flintier than most would when giving thanks, but Clarke appreciated the sentiment nonetheless. For whatever reason, Lexa looked flustered again, and Clarke made it her goal to hopefully get the girl feeling a little more relaxed around her across the next hour, or however long the arboretum portion of the walk lasted.

In all honesty, Clarke hadn't been sure what to expect. She'd been to the occasional state or national park during her summer breaks, or the occasional school trip; most of the time, though, she'd had other things on her mind. Even though she was sure the arboretum paled in comparison to a lot of wonderful parks out there, she couldn't help but feel a little entranced as Lexa guided her down the paths through the legitimate winter wonderland, pointing out all sorts of intricate details.

It was taking all of her mental faculties to focus on each and every word, sight and sound Lexa pointed out, and not get lost in the cadence of the brunette's voice, or the sheer passion the girl had for the outdoors. She'd heard from Anya that Lexa was a bit of a wilderness nut, but Clarke had interpreted that as Lexa maybe liking four-wheeling and ski-dooing; instead, Lexa was seriously coming off as an encyclopedia on everything related to animals and ecosystems, and it was seriously fucking with her.

Because really, she did NOT need to start feeling all hot and bothered about Lexa after pushing a lot of thoughts to the back of her mind, especially while out on an isolated walk with the girl. Even if she WAS enticingly, alluringly passionate. _It's just fucking unfair how casually she's throwing around all this information. Like...how does she just happen to know the latin name for every tree in this park? How can you tell them apart when their leaves aren't out? How can you tell each coniferous tree apart with such freaking ease? Who are you, Lexa Pocosin?_

"...so when birdfeeders started becoming more common in North America, they slowly, but drastically changed migration patterns for some birds, because they introduced a new, steady food source, and...Oh, now, look up there, that's a perfect example." Lexa noted quietly as she came to an abrupt halt, tugging at Clarke's arm and pointing a ways up at some really tall tree. "Can you see it? The small, grey bird with the black tuft above its beak?"

Clarke squinted and ultimately resorted to using her camera's zoom lens to get a better view, just barely being able to make out the bird from the bark of the tree it was perched against. How Lexa managed to spot the little goober was an absolute mystery to her. "Yeah, I do. Which one is that?" She whispered, snapping a quick picture of the tiny little thing before it hopped into a hole in the tree.

"That was a Tufted Titmouse. They're in the same family as chickadees, they behave in a lot of the same ways, but they're not historically a bird that's found in northern regions. Massachusetts is actually close to the edge of its northern range. It's only fairly recently that they've been found more often in northern states...like I was saying before, it's pretty heavily suggested that feeders have been expanding the range of a lot of birds. Climate change has played its part, too, but, still, the point stands." Lexa explained as they continued onwards, once again back into her zone of animal facts that, honestly, Clarke couldn't help but be drawn into.

Clarke couldn't help it. She just so happened to be a sucker for passion, and Lexa had it in spades, which was apparent not only on the ice, but also out in the forest among the flora and fauna.

And so, while she did take a few more pictures of the wildlife, largely cardinals, jays, and the occasional sparrow, she largely found herself paying far too much attention to Lexa to focus enough for much more than the occasional shot.

It wasn't her fault. It was just really pretty out, even with the clouds rolling in, and everything was soft and white, and Lexa was a cute bundled up in her coat and beanie, and those envious cheekbones were cast in a pink glow from the chill. There was a lot to like about the view, is all.

At least, until she saw it. "Ohmygod, Lexa, look!" She whispered, pointing excitedly to a snow bank off in the distance, a familiar furry thing wriggling away halfway inside it. "Is that raccoon stuck in there?"

Lexa craned her neck to see better, which Clarke thought was absurd since the woman had eagle-eyes already, but ultimately the brunette nodded in disbelief at the sight of the pudgy raccoon's back legs kicking wildly at the air. "I think it actually is, yes. It's certainly struggling." Lexa answered sadly, hastening her pace a little bit towards the ordeal, Clarke following in absolute wonder over a sturdy animal getting defeated by a little snow.

Clarke watched Lexa approach with a solid mix of caution and care before using her mitted hands to break away some of the hardened snow beneath the raccoon, letting gravity do the rest as the furry critter tumbled out of the snow bank and rolled to a halt by the brunette's feet. Lexa just stared calmly down at the little raccoon, who stared curiously up at the girl, and had her new acquaintance been wearing her eyeliner, perhaps she would have noted openly on the similarities for a laugh.

Instead, she just snapped a few pictures of the stare-down before the raccoon halfway turned away and somersaulted once before bounding off into the brush.

"Well, that was cute as hell." Clarke noted, smiling towards where the raccoon had bumbled off to. "You know, you're really good with animals."

"I...don't know about that. I try, but I don't have much hands-on experience." Lexa spoke as she fiddled with the strap of her bag, appearing almost nervous. Clarke almost wished it was warmer outside so she could tell if Lexa was actually blushing, or just had pink cheeks from the cold.

"Beh, experience is overrated. I'm sure you could volunteer at the humane society, and end up with armfuls of dogs who adore you." Clarke added, trying to turn those slightly upturned lips of hers into a full on smile.

Lexa just let out a beautiful laugh and cast her gaze upwards. "Clarke, dogs adore everyone." The girl said, amusement clear in her voice and in her eyes.

"Still. My point is, you handled that raccoon really well. You were really chill and relaxed, and that bumbling little critter probably appreciated that." She explained, hoping that she wasn't pressing too hard on the matter. It was just really sweet, was all. And maybe she had an image in her head of Lexa curled up on a couch in some cottage, with a bunch of puppies napping around her.

"Well, if I want to have a future in my chosen career field, I'll have to be able to handle much more than that. Park Rangers aren't exactly supposed to lose their cool around wildlife." Lexa explained, and all of a sudden, Clarke's previously imagined scenario was bolstered with a park ranger uniform halfway slung across the coffee table, Lexa napping alongside the puppies with her hat covering her face and blocking out the light. And maybe there'd be a nice warm fire going on. And maybe she'd be getting back from a long shift at the local ER and would curl up in the small nook beside Lexa, perhaps momentarily displacing a sleepy puppy before she'd have it and the brunette in her arms.

And maybe that was just a bit of a dangerous thought to have, so she forced it, kicking and screaming, to the depths of her mind just as she felt something cold and wet hit her face.

Clarke looked up and got a spattering of freezing rain for her efforts, so she immediately dug around in her backpack for her umbrella, swapping her camera out for it. "Well, I for one am confident you'll be a hell of a ranger, Lexa. You clearly have the passion and drive for it, and anywhere would be lucky to have you."

This time, Clarke was about ninety percent sure Lexa's darkening cheeks were entirely her doing instead of the weather getting chillier. "Oh, and I figure if we're going to get rained on, we may as well share an umbrella." Clarke added as she sidled up beside the brunette, looped an arm around Lexa's nearest, and happily popped open the slightly oversized umbrella. "This should keep us dry, I hope."

Maybe she could have just walked close to Lexa and hoped for the best in terms of umbrella coverage for the both of them, without basically taking Lexa's arm as if they were differently acquainted. Still, despite the deep red blush tinting Lexa's cheeks, the girl didn't protest, and they continued their walk, though Lexa was a little quieter and sparser in her detailing of the nearby plants and birds. However, when an older couple passed by and Clarke had requested the couple take their picture together, Lexa hadn't moved away from her, or protested the photo op, so it wasn't entirely a show of Lexa distancing herself.

The freezing rain was just starting to come down harder when Lexa stopped talking mid-sentence and pulled out her phone, apparently having felt it vibrate. A mere second or two later, the girl was frowning and shoving the device back in her pocket. "Anya wants to meet us for lunch at a café nearby. If we want to make it in time, we should probably start heading in that direction."

"I am getting kind of hungry, I guess. But this has been really fun, and it'll still take, like, fifteen minutes to walk our way out of here, so let's enjoy it." Clarke offered with a smile, her heart perhaps beating a little faster when Lexa met her with a soft smile of her own.

"It has been a nice walk. It's beautiful here in the winter, but it's fantastic in the spring." Lexa's expression turned wistful for a moment as she spoke, and immediately, Clarke knew she had to experience the Arboretum in the spring with Lexa at her side.

"We could make a day of it...you handle nature guide duties, I handle lunch, and we both get to enjoy seeing everything in bloom." Clarke blurted out, immediately feeling a bit sheepish for her presumption, and the fact that she'd worded it like a date. "Or, well, it's a few months away, but still...I think it could be a lot of fun. I'd really like to see all of this through your eyes come spring time, if you're up for it. "

Lexa just stared at the path ahead, brow slightly furrowed, the slightest of smiles on her face. "Ask me again when the trees start budding, Clarke. Though, my answer will likely be yes."

It was enough of a green light for Clarke to allow herself a wide grin. She loved her walks with Anya, and how so much of it was amicable silence, trading jokes, sharing book recommendations, and telling silly stories. Still, she was sort of happy Anya had bowed out and pushed her and Lexa together, since she'd learned a lot on their walk, and really enjoyed Lexa's passion. Where Anya was quickly becoming the kind of friend who she could talk to about anything, and be immediately comfortable in her company, Lexa very much seemed like the kind of person Clarke could fall helplessly for in the span of a single evening.

And while that was a little dangerous, and Lexa still seemed reluctant to spend too much time around her, the brunette didn't seem entirely averse to her company. Which maybe meant that the whole rivalry thing was starting to fall by the wayside, or maybe Lexa didn't hate her like she used to. Whatever the case, Clarke was pretty damn happy to be making strides towards being Lexa's friend; if some other kind of relationship grew from there, well, that would be a bonus.

* * *

Anya found herself outside of the Checkmate Café, loitering around the entrance, waiting for the two girls to get to their lunch date. She'd felt a little bad ditching them; in truth, she'd honestly meant for it to be a three person outing, but Lincoln's furnace giving up the ghost meant that she had to slog all the way out to his place and take instructions over the phone from Raven, which was incredibly appreciated and would be rewarded in the future. It all made for a frustrating morning that stretched into the early afternoon as she returned home, showered, and changed, before heading off to the café.

Even if she wouldn't admit it, Anya was anxious. She knew there had been friction between her and Lexa over her befriending Clarke, and she wanted that smoothed out, and desperately hoped that the two could work out whatever tension was between them. She knew Clarke well enough to know the blonde wouldn't push Lexa for anything, but Clarke was still a relative stranger to Lexa, and there was something to be said for learning from being around someone, instead of just being told things.

And so she waited, knowing they'd been out on their walk for a pretty decent stretch of time, knowing they'd run into inclement weather, seeing as the freezing rain was still ongoing. Knowing that from all but the furthest reaches of the park, walking at a normal pace would have had the two at the café at least five minutes ago. So she wanted to be excited, she wanted to vibrate with anticipation that her little one and her newest friend could be friendly enough to not complicate her life or add friction where there didn't have to be.

Even when she spotted them in the distance, sharing an umbrella, seemingly arm in arm, she refused to let her hopes overtake her. She didn't make it this far in life being a relentless optimist.

It was Lexa's increasingly tense body pulling away from Clarke as the duo reached her that had Anya thinking that while the two seemed to have fun, her cousin clearly wasn't entirely comfortable with that quite yet. Still, Clarke took it in stride, that flicker of disappointment washing away for cheer as the younger blonde pulled her into a tight hug, which Anya happily returned.

"You owe us an explanation." Clarke asserted with a cocked eyebrow, acting like she was annoyed that they'd been abandoned at the train station, when clearly that wasn't the case anymore.

"You can blame Lincoln for avoiding getting his furnace checked out, and letting it blow up on him early this morning." Anya explained, earning an understanding nod from Clarke, though the flash of guilt across Lexa's face was more interesting to her at the moment. "How did you two enjoy your walk?"

"It was pleasant." Lexa offered, simple and succinct, though Anya could tell that there were probably a lot more words tumbling around in her cousin's head about the whole thing.

"Lexa's being modest. She saved a racoon's life." Clarke added conspiratorially, which only had Lexa rolling her eyes, even though Anya didn't doubt her cousin's supposed heroics. "Seriously, though, it was really great. Lexa was an amazing nature guide, and I learned a lot."

Anya was about to brag a bit about her little one, which would have served to both embarrass and flatter the girl, but Lexa beat her to the punch.

"Anyway, it was a fun break, but I'm tired after my exams, and I'd really like to just rest. Rain check, Anya?" Lexa asked, though it was a formality more than anything. Lexa wanted to go home instead of spend time with her, and although she knew in her heart that Lexa really did deserve rest, and that the girl was just growing into herself as a person, it was yet another instance of Lexa avoiding her company in times where her little one used to enjoy it.

Anya just pulled her cousin in for a tight hug, only letting go when Lexa returned it. "You get home safe, alright? And call if you need anything?"

"I will." Lexa answered, both words dripping with reluctance and a little frustration. Anya had at least done her job and minimally embarrassed the girl with her caring display.

"And don't think you're leaving without this." Clarke interjected, practically shoving the umbrella into Lexa's slightly willing hands. "The freezing rain's not supposed to let up for another hour or so, and neither of us want you dealing with it, so take the umbrella. I'll pick it up tomorrow morning when I stop by."

Lexa let out a long, tired sigh, but nodded along in compliance. "I'll text you when I get home, Anya. I hope you both have a good lunch."

Anya and Clarke paid their farewells and soon Lexa was strolling down the street towards the bus stop. Knowing it'd be bad to let herself get too hung up on it all, Anya guided Clarke into the café and they found a nice table for two in the back. It wasn't the best restaurant, but it was the best one on the south side of the park, and the food was mostly guilty pleasures for fairly cheap.

She'd hoped for the three of them to have lunch there so Lexa could treat herself, or perhaps she could treat her cousin, but it just wasn't meant to be, she supposed. There was a time not too long ago when such times were more than possible, they were probable. _A few short months later and..._

A hand coming to a rest atop hers drew Anya from her thoughts, a concerned pair of blue eyes watching her from across the table. "Hey, where'd you go just now?"

Anya shook her head, hoping to shake off the creeping feelings bubbling up inside of her yet again. "I was just thinking of what I might have for lunch. Anyway, tell me more about the walk."

Clarke's narrowed eyes let her know her lie hadn't been convincing, but thankfully, the blonde let it slide. "Honestly, it was great. She was really reluctant to agree to it at the start, but once we got going, it was smooth sailing. I even managed to take a few pictures of us."

The blonde fiddled with her phone for a moment before sliding it across the table to her. Anya lifted it up and immediately laughed at the first picture, Clarke smiling widely while Lexa had a deer-in-the-headlights expression on her face, clearly not having anticipated the photo-op. She slid her thumb across the screen to the next picture, which must have been taken from someone else; Clarke and Lexa were huddled closely under the blonde's umbrella, arm in arm, Clarke smiling brightly yet again, though Lexa was even sporting a small smirk. She'd have to ask Clarke for a copy later on. She slid across the next few, one of them leaving the park with exaggerated frowns on their faces, and another pair of candids that Clarke clearly snuck in of Lexa laughing at something, looking quite happy.

It was wonderful seeing Lexa happy, especially seeming a ways more comfortable around Clarke than before. She wanted her newest friend and her cousin to at least get along and be friendly, and it seemed that they were getting there.

"It looks like she had a good time after all." Anya mused quietly before returning the phone and setting her focus on the menu. "Thank you for being patient with her."

"She's your family. I'm your friend. It's the least I can do to help smooth things over." Clarke shot back with a roll of her eyes, as if her efforts in befriending Lexa weren't difficult at all, something Anya knew to be false. She was quite aware how the blonde felt for her cousin, she knew what that kind of emotional labour felt like, what its toll could be like. "And for what it's worth, she seems to be warming up to me, even if that also seems to be freaking her out. Probably why she ducked out of lunch."

Clarke's dismissive prediction about Lexa's absence tore Anya's attention away from the menu. "You think she avoided lunch because of _you_?"

Perhaps she should have taken a moment to corral her emotions and not be so transparent, her disbelief quickly garnering the blonde's confusion and concern. "Uh, yeah. She'd get really casual and relaxed with me for stretches, and then she'd freeze up, like she just realized that she'd been sort of comfortable around me. And she'd slowly relax and get back to that casual behaviour, only to freeze up again. Happened a lot, so yeah, I think she just needed some space away from me." Clarke explained, and it was a relief that the girl's reasons made a tremendous amount of sense. It certainly sapped away a fair bit of the guilt she felt. "You thought it was something else? Don't tell me you fell for her ' _I'm tired_ ' bit, not when she was about as alert and awake as I've seen her these past few days."

"No, no, Lexa's not a very good liar." Anya stated with a smirk, knowing that her little one had been a terrible liar all her life. Lexa, of course, realized that fact in her teens, and would often be silent instead of speaking about anything that would result in transparent lies.

"So...what did _you_ think it was, then?" Clarke asked, setting her menu down and putting her full focus on Anya, something she probably would have brushed aside had the blonde not been staring so softly at her.

Not that she was prone to being victimized by big doe eyes or reassuring expressions, not at all. It was just that she was on the precipice of a major change in her life, and unlike in the past, there was really no one for her to go to, no one to help her. It had only solidified the fears and doubts she'd had across the past few months, but while she knew she could ultimately handle her own shit, the emergence of Clarke as her friend was very welcome.

They had never broached the deepest of discussions in their brief times together, but Clarke had put forth the effort to befriend her. Clarke had been patient. And Clarke was just looking at her like she didn't expect an answer, but rather that she'd like one.

"It's complicated." Anya let out, wanting to trust Clarke, wanting to have someone in her life who she could speak with about, well, anything. Even if it wasn't a sure thing that Clarke could or would help, she was feeling a little desperate enough to take that chance, if Clarke was willing.

"I'm all ears." Clarke answered, leaning in and resting her elbows on the table. It was enough of a sign for Anya to commit.

"Lexa has been...distant, the past few months. More and more, really. At the end of summer, she would have jumped at the chance to have lunch here with me. These days...it's hard to convince her to go out with me at all." Anya spoke quietly, as calmly as she could manage. The last thing she needed was Clarke thinking she was over-emotional about this. She was simply concerned. Deeply, fearfully concerned.

"Well, how were things before this year? I mean...she's living with you now. She clearly wasn't before, right? I'm pretty sure that changes things...getting to see you when she'd rarely be able to would be really special. She gets to see you every day now." Clarke noted in response, and though her worse made sense, Anya didn't feel that their living situation was the culprit. Besides, she'd already accounted for that. She remembered when she and Lexa lived together, and when they'd lived apart. It was very different from how it was now.

"A fair point, but we have lived together before, Clarke. It's different now than it was back then." Anya asserted, already feeling a little better about the situation, especially with Clarke seemingly just trying to help her figure things out instead of laying down judgment. "We were attached at the hip back then. These days...these days, it's different."

"She's growing up, Anya. She's at the age where she's finding out who she is, and sometimes...you know, sometimes that's something we need to do on our own, even if we know our friends and family would help us out. She's a freshman in University, she's rooming with you, she's on your hockey team, she has family gym time with you and Lincoln...it's natural for her to want a little space for herself to figure some things out about herself. Of course she'd be different living with you when she was a kid compared to being a young adult." Clarke reasoned, and Anya could appreciate the thought put into the girl's words, even if she didn't particularly like to hear them. Anya was fine that Lexa was growing up; happy, even. She just didn't want to be left out of that process, pushed so far away that she couldn't watch it happen.

Anya felt a traitorous sigh escape her, blood rushing to her cheeks in response to the embarrassing display. "I just don't want to lose her. She's..." Anya started to explain, before feeling words dissipate on her tongue, an annoyed growl bubbling up at her inability to clearly express herself. "Lexa's more than just my cousin. It's complicated."

"Hey, are you two ready to order?" The waitress intruded, pad in hand and a bright smile on her face.

"I'll have a buffalo chicken wrap, whole-wheat. Side of fries, and a water, please?" Anya answered, before looking to the blonde, whose gaze lingered on her for a few moments before shifting to the waitress.

"Can I please have the fish & chips? With a water as well, thank you." Clarke added, sending the waitress off with a smile before shifting her gaze back to Anya. "Like I said earlier, I'm all ears, Anya. I've got all the time in the world for you."

Clarke's words were nice to hear, just enough to reel her back in and stop avoiding having to deal with the mess of emotions built up from the past semester. Anya took a long, steadying breath before starting up again.

"When I was just starting high school, Lexa's parents died in a car crash, and my parents took custody." Anya stated hard and quick, knowing there was no real way to ease into that reveal. And though it was largely Lexa's history, it was also her own, and she really needed to get it all aired out at the moment. Clarke, to her credit, kept her expression fairly calm and still. "Now, I love my parents, Clarke. They're both good people, and their ambition and passion for their respective lines of work is inspiring. They're smart, compassionate, and generous people...they just...they weren't up for being steady parental figures."

A look of understanding crossed Clarke's face, the blonde nodding solemnly, seemingly chewing on the inside of her cheek. Anya knew it was a bit to digest, so she gave the girl a moment or two before continuing. "My father was, at one point, a steady father figure for me between the hours of six and ten at night on weekdays, and three and ten on weekends. My mother decided being a stay at home mom wasn't rewarding enough, so she went back to work as a publicist when I was eight, and basically disappeared from my life in any meaningful sense. That's when my father would stop coming home on time, and would start coming home later, year after year, until I was putting myself and my brother to bed every night. They didn't hate me or Lincoln...they just...we weren't their greatest priority at the time."

"So when Lexa was brought over, I'd already taken over as my brother's caretaker for a little over five years. I was mature enough, I suppose, to have handled growing up faster than some others my age had to. Still, adding a ten year old girl to the thirteen year old boy I was already caring for...it was taxing. But so rewarding as well, because Lexa was..." Anya clamped her mouth shut as a wave of emotions rocked her, memories of that young, scrawny girl rushing through her mind. Not quite caring how she looked anymore, not with Clarke just smiling at her and giving her all the space in the world to gather her thoughts, Anya wiped the wetness from her eyes and swallowed back her emotions.

She'd never talked about this with anyone before, it was just how life was, and she'd dealt with it. And Lexa was a god damn gift, so there wasn't anything to complain about. But things were changing, and suddenly, a lot of that history felt a need to be voiced, so she could be reassured that she'd done well, that this wasn't something she'd caused. That Lexa's distance wasn't her doing. "Lexa needed _someone_. She was such a mama's girl, and she inherited a lot of her personality from her father, so she was this cute, quiet little thing whose idol, her mom, was gone, whose emotional rock, her father, was gone...she needed someone."

"You stepped up." Clarke stated quietly, earning a hard nod of the head from Anya.

"Of course I did. She needed someone, my parents were always away, and Lincoln was an immature brat. I included her in just about everything I could, I got my driver's license the day I was eligible to so I could start driving her to and from practices and games. I was there for every...look, I won't go into details, but those first few years weren't very happy, but I did what I could to get a smile on that face of hers whenever possible. I love her so much, and I was so happy when Costia came around, and Lexa came out to me, and they started dating, and...and I was there when her world fell apart for the second time." Anya rambled as her gaze drifted down to her own tightly clasped hands, not wanting to divulge too much information, but wanting to give the blonde a good idea of how involved she'd been up to now. "Even when I was at school here, I registered my classes in a way where I could travel back for two days a week, and for good chunks of weekends when we'd only have a single game scheduled. We'd Skype nightly, even if it was just for a few minutes. Now...now she's been getting so distant."

Anya dared to glance back upwards at Clarke, and found the blonde reaching a hand out across the table for her. She wasn't generally one for those sorts of public displays of emotion, the kind that could have people sending looks of pity her way, but she didn't see that in Clarke's eyes. In all honesty, she wasn't exactly sure what all was swirling around in those big blue eyes, so clearly full of emotion, but she did see acceptance, and that was all it took for Anya to place a hand in Clarke's.

"You're not going to lose her, Anya." Clarke asserted firmly, a soft squeeze of her hand following the reassuring statement. "Things are changing. You're in your last year, she's in her first. You don't want to leave her behind, you want to make the most of these last months here, and she seems like she's pulling away, yeah. Lincoln's been dating O and hasn't been around as often. It's natural to feel...worried about losing what you have with them, I guess, but you're not going to."

"And you know this, how? Since you've come to college, Clarke, I haven't heard about you and your mother spending time together. I've heard nothing of your father. Did you even go back for Thanksgiving?" Anya shot out in a flash of anger, immediately regretting her words when she saw Clarke's expression crumble for a moment before the blonde's face turned steely.

"My mother and I haven't spoken since before I came here, so that's irrelevant." The blonde grit out, and Anya could admit she felt a little shame for her outburst. As curious as Clarke's words had her about the girl's relationship with her mother, she worried far more about the hurt laced in the girl's response. She didn't want any of her friends upset or hurt. "The point is, Anya, that you and the two kids you had to basically be a parent to...your bond isn't going to just fade away like it was never there. Okay? They adore you, Anya...and knowing now what you did for them, BOTH of them? That was out of the kind of love that keeps family together. Lexa's going to have to adjust to what life will be like for her when you're gone, and she seems the type to want to prepare, so of course she'll be growing a little distant. My money's on her doing that because she knows she's going to miss you like hell, not because she loves you less and doesn't want you in her life."

Anya's teeth ground into her lip as she digested the blonde's words. It was a nice thought, Lexa being distant to protect herself, instead of losing interest in her, of losing love for her. And if Clarke was estranged from her mother, perhaps her perspective should hold a bit more weight regarding her fear of Lexa drifting away from her.

"Not to push the point too hard, or overreach, but...take it from someone who's lost the most important person in her life. I know you're really worried about Lexa, and I absolutely get that, but...if she's anything at all like me, she's scared about losing another one, and is probably fumbling her way through figuring out how to deal with you moving away again. Just, I don't know, find time to reassure her you're still going to be around for her. That you'll make time for her. Give her some certainty. You've been with her for every step of the way for so long...let her know you'll be there for more if she wants your mama bear ass there for them." Clarke continued, and though Anya usually would have snarked back at such a jab at her overprotective self, the insight and advice was enough for her to make a mental rain check for it.

At the very least, Clarke's words gave her hope. Hope that this wasn't the beginning of an end, but instead just a rocky transition into a different era in their lives. And while she wasn't so self-absorbed as to take to heart Clarke's insinuation that she was the most important person in Lexa's life, it was a little heartwarming to hear another person say as much. No matter what conventional wisdom said, Lexa was both her cousin _and_ her little one, and while she didn't play favourites, she loved her unique relationship with her little cousin.

"I appreciate the optimism, Clarke. And the perspective." Anya noted with a smile, squeezing Clarke's hand before releasing it and returning hers to her side. "Is all of that something you learned personally?"

Clarke's expression faltered momentarily, before settling into a calm that was clearly practiced. "Honestly, nothing I said was to get your support with my own crap. Maybe we can talk about that when you and Lexa figure things out...for now, that's what matters."

Anya nodded in acknowledgement of that, though internally set a reminder of herself to have that talk after she and Lexa had at least a solid heart to heart. She'd befriended Clarke because the girl's personality meshed with hers, and because the girl had truly wanted to be her friend and know her. The blonde had made for good, fun company so far, but she hadn't expected Clarke would have been willing to have such a deep talk so early in their friendship. It only made her more comfortable with the blonde, and more determined to be the kind of friend Clarke was to her. She just hoped she could make good on showing Clarke that sooner rather than later.

"Well, could you dish a little on Raven, then? I was getting her help today with the furnace and she asked me out at the end of it, but the date's not for a few days. Or, well, she asked me on a walk, so the walk's not for a few days. It IS a date, though, isn't it?" Anya asked, feeling a little odd for rambling, but she was legitimately nervous that Raven had potentially asked her out. It had been a long time since she'd legitimately dated, and she didn't want how rusty she was to affect anything she could have with the younger woman.

Clarke's face lit up like the sun at her words, a bright smile blooming as the blonde practically vibrated out of her seat. "Yes! I knew she'd do it, fucking finally! Yeah, yeah, it's definitely a date. I've been wondering when she'd get up the nerve to ask you since...ah, well, anyway, ask away."

"Since _when_ have you been waiting for her to ask me?" Anya asked, figuring her question would probably be rejected, but she was curious enough to try anyway. Predictably, Clarke just shot her a knowing glare.

"Oh, no you don't. You and Raven are both my friends, but I'll only ever be a middleman between you if you're having serious relationship issues and need a moderator. I've got a confidentiality policy, and I stick with it. What Raven told me in confidence is strictly confidential." Clarke offered in response, the blonde's eyebrow soon cocking after her miniature rant. "But you knew that."

"I expected as much. For what it's worth, you're honorable to do so. I like that." Anya said with an easy smile, thinking that maybe in another universe, she and Clarke could have worked out and found something together. Anya wasn't quite sure how to label her budding friendship with Clarke quite yet, its dynamics weren't fully explored, but there just wasn't a romantic draw there to the blonde. And honestly, she was thankful for that, because Clarke was shaping up to be a quality friend, and she could use more great platonic relationships in her life.

"And you like Raven?" Clarke asked, the question a bit candid, but understandable enough.

"She makes me laugh. She makes me smile. She's intelligent and finds ways to get me thinking. She's interested in me, as a person, and she's attracted to parts of me that...anyways, she's different in the best of ways. We have a lot to discuss on that walk, we still don't know each other very well, but if she plays her cards right, and we're a fit..." Anya explained, letting herself trail off at the end there so that Clarke could fill in the blanks. She did enjoy the power of suggestion.

Clarke just let out a quiet laugh, mirthful blue eyes meeting her own. "For what it's worth, I think I ship you both."

Anya puzzled herself over the term, but couldn't figure out what that meant at all. "I don't know what that means."

" _'Ship_ ', as in 'relationship'. It means I approve and support you two, if you do get together." Clarke added, and Anya could suppose that made sense as a play on words. "Anyways, let's figure out which embarrassing story I should tell you about her so you can make her fumble over herself on your date."

Now _that_ , Anya knew, was something she wanted to hear. As the waitress came by their table with their drinks, she knew she had a good forty minutes minimum to grill her friend over bits of blush-worthy dirt on her prospective date. If it rendered Raven more endearing to her, then all the better.

Feeling much better about the situation with Lexa, and about the prospective date, Anya sat back in her seat for a nice lunch with her newest friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp, I managed to get this chapter out earlier than I thought I would. The good news is that I wrote a scene from the next chapter in advance a few weeks ago, so the next chapter shouldn't take long to complete. The bad news is that I have a busy few days ahead of me, so I doubt I'll be getting much writing done until Tuesday (no matter how much the trailer for season 3 that comes out between now and Monday might motivate me).
> 
> Anywho, I hope you enjoy the read, and that you get great starts to your weekends!


	10. Chapter 10

**1:32PM**  
**Rocket Scientist**  
_So I think you need to give me a bunch of last minute advice, Clarke_

Clarke took a moment from putting away groceries to peer down at her most recent message, grinning at Raven's theatrics. The girl had been amped up for her date with Anya today, but it seemed last second jitters were getting the best of the usually unflappable Raven Reyes.

 **1:33PM**  
**Clarke**  
_Raven Reyes, are you freaking out right now?_

 **1:33PM**  
**Rocket Scientist**  
_It's just you know her, there's gotta be some tricks up your sleeve that could make this perfect_

Clarke chuckled at her friend before setting her phone down and finishing putting away the few things she'd grabbed to stock up the apartment. Letting Raven sweat a little was a little fun, especially in moments where it was harmless. She knew Raven didn't actually expect any inside information, her friend just wanted to have a distraction, if just for a little while.

 **1:38PM**  
**Clarke**  
_You're gonna have to make that bed yourself, Asami_

Clarke's phone pinged before she even had time to set it down again, which clued her in to the fact that she'd likely spend the next twenty minutes before Raven's final exam helping soothe her friend's nerves. Not a bad way to spend her afternoon.

 **1:48PM**  
**Rocket Scientist**  
_Oh fuck you for making me smile even when you're denying me the haul of secrets you've learned from her. Though thinking of her as the Korra to my Asami is cute as shit._

Clarke plopped herself down on her sofa and stretched out, legs a little sore from having twisted one after chasing Anya through a park. To her credit, Anya HAD shoved handfuls of snow down the back of her jacket. And maybe she'd stumbled in seeking vengeance, Anya also intercepting her and facewashing her in a snow bank for her efforts. Still, she'd managed to steal one of Anya's boots, ensuring her friend suffered the rest of the walk with a soaked foot. Clarke took minor victories where she could.

 **1:49PM**  
**Clarke**  
_You do realize that my befriending Anya wasn't an elaborate ploy to gain critical and sensitive intelligence on her, though, right?_

 **1:50PM**  
**Rocket Scientist**  
_You're just telling me this NOW?! Ugh back to square one_

 **1:50PM**  
**Rocket Scientist**  
_But seriously, I know I have to handle this myself, get to know her and all. But...any last minute advice?_

Clarke pondered over what to say, unsure whether to really delve too deep into advice. She felt that the two were a good match, but she didn't want to force anything, or influence them. They seemed to be coming together pretty well on their own, and Clarke thought that was pretty special.

 **1:51PM**  
**Clarke**  
_Honestly, just keep doing what you've been doing. Make her laugh, stay curious about her and who she really is. She likes when you compliment her smile, but I didn't have to tell you that. And don't tell her I said even that pls_

 **1:52PM**  
**Rocket Scientist**  
_Well I guess it's the thought that counts, haha. Gotta get to my exam, wish me luck, Griffin!_

Clarke just smiled down at her screen, all the confidence in the world that Raven was going to have a great day.

 **1:52PM**  
**Clarke**  
_You don't need luck, you've got mad skillzzzzz. I have complete faith in you._

Moments later, Raven went offline, leaving Clarke to an afternoon of general boredom. She'd met O for lunch after her morning walk with Anya, but her roommate was probably just now finishing up an exam and had plans to head to Lincoln's right after. She'd reached out to Monty, one of Octavia's closer friends who she'd enjoyed the company of, but the boy had left campus to head home for the holidays already, like most people she knew. Anya was always an option, but she didn't want to feel like she was smothering her newest friend. Besides, Anya got a lot more reading done without her around, and the woman had noted some frustration about not having finished enough books during the break so far.

So she splayed out on her couch and mentally ran through the list of things she had yet to watch or finish on Netflix. Tangerine had just been added, and she was pretty excited about that one, but she wasn't sure she had the right mindset to head into that, at least not at the moment. She'd made another payment to the school earlier that day, and it only reminded her of the fact that there really wasn't much of an end in sight for her. Not unless she sold her dad's condo, and Clarke just was not ready to let that go just yet. There were too many memories, and since she couldn't go back home, she was holding tightly onto what she still had left. Maybe that wasn't entirely healthy, years after the fact, but she wasn't ready to let go. Not while she still had unfinished business left.

The buzzing of her phone drew her from her thoughts; Clarke checked the time and saw it was six after, so it couldn't be Raven. When it buzzed again right afterwards, she swiped at her phone, curious.

 **2:06PM**  
**OshKoshBlakeGosh**  
_claaaaaaaarke_

 **2:06PM**  
**OshKoshBlakeGosh**  
_help me b a good gf 4 xmas_

Clarke rolled her eyes at O's inability to text in full sentences, and got to responding, knowing if O was texting _her_ about ideas instead of her brother or Monty, it must be an emergency.

 **2:07PM**  
**Clarke**  
_Lingerie + an X-Pole for his basement rec room. Done and done_

Clarke counted down in her head, knowing O was about to put her on blast any second, even if the girl wouldn't deny how effective the gifts would be, or whether O would have already thought of them.

 **2:08PM**  
**OshKoshBlakeGosh**  
_jerk!1 but srsly i gotta leave smth for his bday in feb, n I wanna be good by then. Poles gotta w8._

Her mind went through past memories with Octavia's boyfriend, combing through discussions and anecdotes for a clue, eventually stumbling on one that had Clarke smiling.

 **2:09PM**  
**Clarke**  
_You could be a total sap and get him some kitchen stuff like a roasting pan, some pots, that kind of thing. He's brought up wanting to host some family dinner stuff at least twice now, complaining he doesn't have any hardware in his kitchen._

 **2:09PM**  
**Clarke**  
_That could make him really happy, but talk with Anya about it first, she might have already got him something along those lines._

 **2:10PM**  
**OshKoshBlakeGosh**  
_UR PERFF! But srsly i gotta givem a cookbook hes so bad at it even if hes cute trying to make something edible._

Clarke just smiled, having heard enough stories about Lincoln's inability to care for his home to believe that the man had some difficulty cooking, even if his heart was always in the right place. It really was a cute idea, him wanting a tighter knit weekend family dinner between him, Anya and Lexa, to keep everyone connected and local going forward, which would especially be helpful once Anya graduated. Given her friend's worries, Clarke could only imagine something like that would go a long way to keep Anya and Lexa closer and happier.

More buzzing had Clarke reaching for her phone, but there weren't any new alerts. Which had her reaching in front of her, digging in her bag for her other phone, her heart dropping in her chest when she saw the contact's name.

Memories of the last night spent with him flashed through her mind, and she had to bite back the nausea at the anxiety and disgust that bubbled up. _Gotta keep it together, Clarke...it's just a text...who knows what he wants this time..._

She took a deep steadying breath and unlocked her phone, checking the message.

 **2:11PM**  
**Dr. Leekie**  
_I'm inquiring as to whether I could reserve you for a private party tonight between the hours of ten and midnight. The same services are required as last event. If you can be available, respond by seven this evening at the latest. If you require more details, they can be made available on request._

Pure business, like the last four times. Clarke let a shudder ripple through her as she sat back, wondering what to do. The first three times, her dealings with the man had been somewhat tame. A little violent, but padding a naked guy's ass wasn't exactly traumatizing. But the last time around had been too much, had shaken her to her core, and while she left physically unscathed and with a lot of money, it'd been very hard to handle, and far out of her comfort zone. A rookie mistake, for sure, but knowing what she knew now, she still wasn't certain she should decline.

It was a lot of money. The kind of money she could make in the span of a few days of solid bookings which would be a huge boon. Her short term goals, financially, had been to secure the funds for next year's admission fees and the cost of living over the summer, minus lodging, by the time the winter semester was over. She was just barely ahead of schedule, but something like this, a difficult two hour booking that would probably only require her for half of that time, could put her a half week ahead, give her more flexibility so that if something happened, she could deal without working for a little longer than otherwise. Which was a big deal, since if she didn't reach her goals for the year, then she'd for sure be working from a deficit constantly in the coming months, trying to keep her head above water. Not a fun prospect.

But on the other hand, the client had nearly violated her boundaries, and had made similar but less pushy attempts in the past as well. So part of her knew that the booking wouldn't be comfortable, at the very least, and it could get dicey as hell, even if she was more prepared to handle his creepy shenanigans. But the other part of her knew that she hadn't had a booking in three days, so could she really decline? Especially with her deviantart commissions running dry, and her attempts at pulling guitar lessons drawing a big fat blank.

Clarke rested her head in her hands, unsure what to do, how to handle this. Times like this, she wished she had her father to go to for advice, or Wells, and it just reminded her that sometimes she couldn't be an island and handle everything alone. Going to Octavia would be great, but she'd have to come out to her, and Clarke still wasn't certain how that would go down. Raven was in her exam for another two and a half hours, and Clarke really didn't want to put a damper on the girl's day; besides, she knew Raven would shut down everything to help her, and Clarke was too invested in Raven's happiness to let the girl do that.

Which left Anya. Anya who could handle serious matters and then compartmentalize them. Anya who could flip a switch between being a snarky prankster and an affectionate ear to hear her out. Anya, who she hadn't particularly shared anything tremendously difficult with just yet, but who she got good vibes from.

Her phone was in her hand before she could even think.

 **2:28PM**  
**Clarke**  
_Hey, can I come over, please_

Clarke barely had time to regret giving into impulse before her phone buzzed.

 **2:29PM**  
**Anya**  
_Can't get enough of me, can you? But sure, you're always welcome. I'll have Ash on the first floor watch for you and let you in._

The immediate acceptance from the woman, despite the upcoming date on her schedule, was what had Clarke tossing her coat on and heading out the door. There was nothing better than finding herself in a complex situation, and being able to find some simple solace on the way to figuring it out, even if that solace might be a little scary to pursue.

Clarke wasn't sure whether time sped up, or if she just happened to speed, but she was parking by Light Hall before she really felt ready to. Still, while her mind was awash in nerves and uncertainty over letting anyone get so close to her well-kept secrets, her body was locking her SUV up and heading into the dormitory, thanking the fellow freshman there for holding the door.

It had been months since she'd let anyone bear a shred of weight for this secret of hers, it had been months since she'd remotely dealt with what had happened that past summer, and while she knew she needed some help right then, it was scary to ask. It was terrifying to open that door and potentially have it backfire, have her trust betrayed in ways that could seriously damage her life. There was a lot riding on Anya being helpful, and not catching on to anything she wasn't ready to put out into the open yet. It all had Clarke feeling as if she was slowly being squeezed by a vise, both really needing someone to vent to and offer support, but also needing to hold onto that practiced distance because the prospect of Anya learning about her so early in their friendship was terrifying.

She felt her knees wobble under her weight as she ascended the stairs to the second level. She felt her jaw clench, mouth wired shut in fear of letting her secrets spill as she made her way down the hall, each step a heartbeat closer to collapse. She felt her hands shake as she knocked lightly at the door. She felt her lungs clench in her chest with a need for air, for her to breathe. At Anya's lazy call, she entered, body feeling tremendously heavier than it had a mere minute ago, vision glassier than seconds ago, cheeks immediately blooming red for a bouquet of reasons she had no desire to interrogate as she crossed towards Anya's bed and climbed on to meet the seated woman.

It wasn't until Anya placed her book down beside them that she realized she'd straddled the older blonde, but it seemed par for the course given things seemed to be unraveling, and she needed an anchor, if just for a little while. And as close to betrayal as her body was, as terrified and skittish as her mind seemed to be, she had to trust she'd made the right call. She couldn't do this alone, not all the time. It had to be worth the risk.

Clarke checked Anya's eyes for any sign of discomfort or protest and found none, so she let herself sag forward, head resting at the crook of the woman's neck, the world finally stilling around her, oxygen finally able to navigate its way to her laboured lungs, secrets sinking back deep inside her to their usual resting place. As her arms encircled her friend, she felt pretty confident she'd made the right call. However this played out, it'd probably be okay, so long as she was smart.

She had to trust it'd be okay.

* * *

Anya had honestly been too busy reading about a traumatized scientist to take much note of Clarke when the girl had entered the dorm. When she'd gotten the earlier text, it'd seemed unusually formal, but nothing too out of character. Clarke had texted her plenty the previous two evenings due to boredom and Anya just assumed that the blonde would rather spend her time with real live company than alone at her own dorm.

But when the blonde straddled her, all red-faced and looking a half second away from some kind of breakdown, well, it caught her off guard. Anya wasn't proud of that fact.

She also wasn't very proud that the first thing that escaped her was a surprised, if quiet, laugh. "You know I was two pages away from a chapter break." She let out awkwardly, hoping to play her initial reaction off as a joke, though the lack of response aside from Clarke's labored breathing had her returning the blonde's embrace, red flags starting to pop up. "Just breathe, Clarke. Take your time."

It took a distressingly long time for Clarke's body to relax enough for the girl's breathing to level out, and Anya fought against every little voice inside of her telling her to demand the name of whoever did this to her newest friend. As much as her fear tended to get processed directly into anger and a desire for violence, she was fairly certain that Clarke didn't need that right now. Clarke was more the kind, she felt, to take part in such personal justice, rather than let someone else do all of the grunt work.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Anya asked in hopes of gaining some answers. A muffled, wordless sound impacted against her neck, and all Anya could do was nod, because Clarke Griffin was usually much more wordy than this. The blonde was often insufferably optimistic and vocal, even if she particularly enjoyed that aspect of the girl. Even thinking back to the argument she'd overheard between Clarke and Octavia, the blonde had been tired and succinct and firm. Anya honestly had no clue as to what was going on with her newest friend, but she was thankful to have the chance to figure it out, that Clarke had gone to her.

Feeling a surge of pride and confidence in the trust Clarke showed in coming to her for some sort of comfort, Anya just held Clarke close, cradling the younger blonde's head, just giving her friend time to feel up to being vocal. She filled the silence with distracting words, a whispered breakdown of the novel she was reading, of the protagonist's struggles, of the broken world the character found herself in, of her hopes for how the author would tie the novel up.

The sun was setting outside when Clarke's grip against her shoulder blades finally shifted, alerting Anya that maybe forty minutes had passed since the blonde's arrival. "Are you up for talking, now, Clarke?" She asked quietly, earning a muffled response that sounded a lot like ' _yes_ ', which she decided to work with. "Can you tell me if you're alright or not?"

A head of wavy blonde hair nodded against her neck. "Sorry. Guess I freaked."

"Looked more like the start of a panic attack..." Anya mused with a softness she tended to reserve for such sensitive situations. She didn't want Clarke to feel accused or attacked, she didn't want her friend to get defensive. "...and you don't have to apologize for that."

"You wanted to get more reading done..." She heard Clarke start to say, and she couldn't help but scoff at the obvious and absurd deflection. Even if she _was_ thankful it was just a part of a hopefully brief cat and mouse game until the blonde opened up to her.

"And I have, but you're here, and I can decide my own priorities, Clarke. Again...are you alright? Do you want to talk about what caused this?" She probed, hoping her firmer tone would inform her friend that she would support her, but that she wasn't going to take any of her crap in the process. Clearly, Clarke came to her for a reason, and she would get to the bottom of it before the girl left.

"Not exactly. It's not really a big deal." Clarke mumbled, an exhausted sigh washing over her shoulder.

"Big or small, I'm all ears, Clarke." She shot back, hoping that using the blonde's own words against her would manage to convince Clarke that it was safe to talk. That it had been a good decision to come to her.

Another sigh escaped Clarke before the girl turned her head and rested it on Anya's shoulder, nose slightly pressing against the older woman's neck. "It's a work thing."

Anya was quiet as she ran those whispered words over in her head, puzzling over the disparity between the words and the tone. Those same words, or an equivalent, had been used by her mother and father endlessly throughout her childhood, describing all kind of frustrating and tiring issues that they'd felt she was too young to understand. Or, later, to avoid sharing their emotions with her.

It was the utter dread in Clarke's words that didn't match up. She hadn't been friends with Clarke for incredibly long, but she'd known the girl for a few months, and had heard about the girl's odd work schedule. Still, she hadn't heard a single complaint up until now, Clarke often referring to her nights at work as 'boring' or 'decent', and so the response she'd gotten just didn't seem to match up with what she knew. Anya was used to experiencing Clarke being tired from her work, not plummeting towards a breakdown. _Clearly I'm out of the loop in some way...this can't just be from sleep deprivation..._

"Did something happen at work?" She asked, hoping that being a bit more direct wouldn't backfire on her.

"I'm...I'm on-call. I just got a call that messed me up a bit, I guess." Clarke admitted, though it was clear in the girl's hesitant delivery that she was choosing her words carefully. Which, well, Clarke had a right to do, but it only made Anya more worried.

"What exactly _is_ your line of work, Clarke?" Anya countered, just about immediately regretting her decision to be direct wither curiosity yet again, but Clarke's body relaxing even more in her arms had her thinking that maybe she'd made the right call.

It took Clarke half a minute to answer, her words not really matching up with the tension that had built. "I'm a...a party planner."

Honestly, it was an odd choice of job, but it explained the odd hours of work, and the long nights out. It was no wonder that Clarke was sleep deprived if she regularly helped host parties that likely ran deep into the night. It also meant, as that vengeful voice in her head brought to mind, that Clarke likely dealt with a fair bit of wealthy, entitled clients. Clients who could have upset her friend. "What happened with the phone call? Did a client harass you?"

"No! No...well, it's...no." Clarke stammered out, not sounding the least bit convincing, which only had Anya's internal rage meter ascending closer to her murder threshold. Clarke must have sensed her tension, because the blonde was suddenly clutching at her, that perky nose lightly brushing across her neck as the girl shook her head slightly. "Hey, no. It's...I got a call from a former client of mine. He's just really creepy, and wants me to help him set something up, but he makes me really uncomfortable, and it brought back bad memories."

"Did he harass you last time? Because I could go with you. I could..." Anya started, a choked laugh cutting her off as Clarke shook her head against her.

"I haven't taken the job yet." Clarke spoke, which Anya clearly understood, with the exception of that final word.

"Yet?" It was a simple scenario. Clarke's former client creeped her out, so there was no reason to go along with him.

"He pays really well. Like... _really_ well." Clarke asserted, and by the blonde's tone, that wasn't something the girl wanted to argue about. So, not happy at all with the notion of her friend being uncomfortable, Anya returned to the topic of the client and his job.

"What exactly does he want you to do for him, Clarke?" She asked, drawing a sigh from Clarke, but silence in place of an expected response following that. Undeterred, Anya began running her hands up her friend's back, halfway a reassuring gesture, halfway a massage to relax the suddenly tense body in her arms. "What troubles you about it?" She continued, hand lifting from the back of Clarke's head to stroke the girl's hair when more silence answered her question. A content hum escaping the blonde's throat was a glaring neon PROGRESS sign, and so she continued with that, slipping in moments of scalp massaging to hopefully coax out a few syllables, since her friend seemed to have frozen up.

It was a tiny bit of wetness hitting her neck, probably a single stray droplet, that immediately had Anya alarmed, her head impulsively turning to press her face into the head of blonde hair. It was far more physically intimate than they'd ever been but Clarke had started that trend less than an hour ago, anyways, so Anya tossed away any cares about that as her lips pressed and lingered against Clarke's head. "I'm all ears, Clarke. I have you." She promised, wanting to get past the reluctance Clarke was clinging to, wanting to get deep enough to take hold of whatever worries were bouncing around in her friend's head and suplex the fuck out of them. Until Clarke could be calm and happy and confident again.

"He..." The single word was music to her ears, as were the ragged breaths that followed as Clarke wiped that tear from her cheeks and resettled her face into Anya's neck. "He has me...hire women to attend his parties."

Anya let the statement roll over her, but it honestly took no time at all to get to the root of Clarke's meaning. Creepy client hiring women? "He wants you to hire hookers."

"Sex workers." Clarke blurted out abruptly, correcting her for whatever reason. She honestly didn't think that titles were important in the scope of their discussion. "But...yes. He has me hire sex workers. And his parties aren't...they're shady, okay? He's shady."

"You're concerned about the illegality of it, I take it? That you've already done this before, so he has something on you?" She asked, proposing about as good of a guess as she could muster at the time, though Clarke's immediately shaking head shot that down and only had her more confused.

"I mean, there's _always_ the legal aspect, you know?" Clarke let out far more casually than she could really believe, leaving Anya feeling suddenly unsure what was eating at the blonde if not the very real legal concerns. "It's what...it's what he wants the sex worker to do that makes me uncomfortable."

Anya was still caught up in confusion, trying to wrap her head around Clarke's situation before she caught Clarke referring to a single worker, when she'd referenced plural before. It could have been nothing, but as she mulled it over, hand stroking through the blonde's hair, the pieces started to fall into place. _Clarke's creeped out by this guy...she's dealt with him before, and doesn't want to again, except he pays well. She's been really evasive and careful in her wording, and has taken a lot of time to prepare her reasons, which could be emotions at play or her obscuring something. And Clarke's not worried about getting blackmailed by this guy, either. Hell, she doesn't seem worried about the law at all, like it's a run of the mill thing. Like...like it's something she deals with all the time..._

Anya felt her hand freeze momentarily in Clarke's tresses as realization struck her like lightning, her head and heart fighting back against the slew of words suddenly piling up in her throat, knowing she needed to reflect before she spoke. _Clarke's_ _a sex worker..._

It made sense, now, that Clarke was always out late at night and very secretive about her work and where she'd stay away from her dorm. It made sense why Clarke would be tired so often, and sometimes a little stiff and sore in the mornings. It made sense why Clarke was so freaked out about a client who made her uncomfortable before, and was shady as hell, and not the illegality of it all, since a client wouldn't be able to blackmail so easily. And it made sense that Clarke would be reluctant to turn the job down, if the girl was in that line of work out of financial desperation.

She also knew that the worst words Clarke had used to describe her work had been 'dull' and 'boring', so Clarke didn't seem to have much of a problem with it, and clearly wasn't begging Anya to help her find a way out. Which, honestly, Anya had a difficult time accepting, but Clarke had to have her reasons for staying in. She trusted in that much for now, so Anya reluctantly let herself chalk this up as a clearly bad day for Clarke, and engaged the side of herself that Lexa often referred to as 'Mama-Bear-Mode'.

Anya turned her head to press another kiss to Clarke's temple, just wanting her friend to know that she had her support in this. "If this client makes you too uncomfortable, Clarke, you can pass him up. The money might be good, but it's not worth the risk, or sacrificing your comfort for. Okay?" She murmured into the blonde's hair, earning an immediate nod. "If the money's an issue, we can work it out together."

Feeling Clarke burrow closer to her was an interesting sensation, warmth blooming in her heart all while the other side of her wondered how it was that she'd gone so long in life without a friend she could be so close with. She deeply understood the trust and loyalty that came with family, even ones without the strictest blood ties like between herself and her brother. Friends had never come easy to her, though; they had never engaged too far past a surface level, never trusted her with much, never willing to be open any more than the occasional peek here or there into their lives and dreams.

So experiencing Clarke being so warm and open and thoughtful about her family situation earlier in the week, experiencing Clarke going to her and seeking physical comfort and emotional solace, experiencing that level of trust and vulnerability, it had Anya believing that she could offer the same. That friends, at least some special ones, could weave their way into her heart like all the others who had taken residence there.

"Thanks for the offer, Anya, but...but my money's my problem. I just need to handle it myself, as much as I appreciate you willing to help. But...your point about the client...well, you might have a point." Clarke rambled, words stumbling out all thick and shaky, as if the blonde was fearful. Which was absurd, since Clarke had nothing to fear from her at all, though the woman's tense body and the undertones in her words still remained.

 _Is she worried I'll freak out about her if I knew the truth? Or, suspected what I suspect?_ Anya mused to herself, had she supposed it wasn't an entirely unreasonable fear, especially with their friendship so new, and all the consequences between that line of work and the rest of the blonde's life. _I wonder if she's told Octavia? No, I doubt it, or Clarke would have likely gone to her. I've heard from Lincoln that the girl complains often enough about Clarke's secrets, so yeah, definitely not her. Raven could know, but she's in an exam. And probably not her...oh shit..._

Anya felt her heart crack, all the breath in her body escaping her as she remembered Clarke's words from the other day. _She and her mother don't speak anymore, Clarke told me that, and she looked so hurt before voicing that much. Does her mother know about this? Clarke's a good kid, there's no reason for them to be so deeply estranged, unless...unless her mom knows. And if she hasn't interfered, or stopped her, then... did she leave Clarke to deal with this alone? Or worse?_

She felt her grip tighten around the blonde as she pressed another kiss to Clarke's crown. "Of course I do. Of course I do." The words escaped her in blind syllables, just needing to release some of her tension, allowing herself to release the worry she held for her friend for the moment, knowing Clarke was safe in her arms, knowing that she'd keep her friend safe.

Clarke's wet laugh only spurred her on, wanting the emotional girl to know that if nothing else, if all else failed, Anya would have her back. "Clarke...you can always come to me like this. I'll be here for you...no matter the issue, no matter what you do for a living, I'm not going anywhere."

Anya felt Clarke's face press harder against her skin as her friend nodded, a hitched breath and sniffling preceding the moisture she felt seconds later. All of that was answer enough that her message had been received loud and clear, but the blonde's tears, the hardly stifled crying, the slightly shaking body clinging to her, all told Anya that whatever relief or comfort Clarke felt was mixed with hurt. A hurt that Anya wished she could heal on her own that very second, but she knew would require patience and commitment instead. If her worries of Clarke having dealt with this on her own were true, then she'd make sure her friend had all the support she could offer, and would hope it'd be enough to have Clarke feeling more secure and safe.

Knowing Clarke was pretty overwhelmed at the moment, and knowing she was definitely getting there as well with her own maelstrom of emotions over the blonde, she decided to take some initiative. "Hey, so I woke far earlier than I usually do, and I was thinking of having a nap to get refreshed in time for my date. Will you stay?"

Clarke nodding against her again prompted Anya to shift in bed, bringing them both down slightly to where her friend's head was resting against her neck as well as on the pillow, Anya using her second, less-full pillow to supplement the support of her own. A hand ran through Clarke's hair as the blonde's well of emotions finally ran dry, as the girl's energy levels sank her into slumber; only when she was a hundred percent certain Clarke was deep into her sleep did Anya pick her novel back up.

It only took three pages until she set it back down again, absolutely not in the right headspace to dive into her novel's world when her friend was so troubled. Anya flitted through a mental list of the people she knew, assessing the character and capabilities of each one for potential to help with this newest conflict. Not that Clarke had asked for help, not that Clarke probably even needed it, but she wanted to have the resources ready and available in case Clarke did.

Anya was considering the past shady dealings of an acquaintance of hers when the door to the dorm opened and Lexa strolled in, probably fresh from helping Echo study for her section of the course Lexa had finished up with a few days ago. Her cousin's stride slowed to a halt midway through the room, Lexa's eyes narrowing as those green eyes took in her and Clarke's position on the bed.

"Am I interrupting something?" Lexa asked with an oddly hostile tone, arms crossing and stance widening. It was almost cute how jealous she could get over the blonde, sometimes.

"No, Clarke will likely be drooling on my shoulder for a while yet." She answered with a smile she was sure would feed a little of that fire inside of Lexa. Not that she wanted her little one to get upset, but getting her cousin to eventually admit some feelings for Clarke would be a good step, at least towards them talking about it and helping Lexa deal with them together. And if it took some focus away from Clarke and the blonde's current state, then all the better.

Lexa just grimaced at the detail of Clarke's sleep hygiene, but refused to back down, at least if the girl's clenched jaw was any indication. "And she couldn't find anyone else to drool on? Don't you have a date with Raven, soon?"

"Of course I do, it's..." Anya started, before glancing at her watch. "In about two hours. Of course, you could take over for me if you're in the mood for a nap, or just want to get under her." Anya finished, barely stifling a laugh at how deeply red Lexa's cheeks went at her words.

"I'mgonnagrabdinner." Lexa rushed out, spinning on her heel and hastily escaping the dorm room, leaving Anya and Clarke alone once more. One day, Anya was sure that teasing Lexa would cease to amuse her. Today was not that day.

Still, it did have her mind drifting towards her cousins feelings for the blonde currently sleeping atop her. _Lexa's been so prone to putting Clarke in boxes to distance herself from what she's been feeling, to find an excuse to keep from moving on with her life. If she...if she found out Clarke was a sex worker, like I think she is...would that end up being another excuse for Lexa to shut her out? I'd like to believe Lexa's not so shallow and judgmental, but...she's also scared, and scared people do bad things sometimes if they think it will protect them. Is that why Clarke hasn't made a move on Lexa? Because she wasn't sure Lexa could handle that part of her life?_

It was all a bit depressing. Anya peered down at Clarke and ran a hand through the girl's hair, smiling at how the blonde immediately curled in a little closer from the touch. _She deserves love and happiness as much as anyone. Her patience, her courage, her heart...they still have me feeling she could be good for Lexa. She could help Lexa get past Costia in ways I could never...she could make Lexa happy. And I know my little one could make Clarke so happy, and feel so special..._

Anya sighed at her own impatience, wishing that she could snap her fingers and get the two to sit down and work things out. The walk together had clearly been a good start, but she knew if they could just sit down and really talk, so much could be gained.

It was a bit of a pipedream, though, especially it happening any time soon. With the holidays upon them, and Lexa's birthday soon after that, and then New Years' after that, there weren't many opportunities to get her friend and her cousin alone in the same place.

Not that she'd stop trying. Not with another name added to the very brief list of people whose happiness she'd fight for. She'd just have to wait and be patient; with her luck as it was lately, perhaps the two would just stumble into one sooner rather than later.

Anya could only hope.

* * *

Lexa walked at a brisk pace back towards her dorm from the diner a few blocks away, carrying a full stomach and the knowledge that Anya had likely been picked up by Raven for their date a few minutes ago. Not that she was avoiding Anya in particular, just her cousin's love of teasing her about the blonde; Clarke waking up to Anya taunting her would have been mortifying, so she had left the dorm and kept such a horrible scenario from playing out.

She had also been far too hungry and overcome by the delicious food she'd ordered to check or answer the series of texts she was sure Anya had sent over the past while, judging by the buzzing of her phone Still, it was easier to ignore her cousin and her obligations when Anya would otherwise be around to hassle her for it. As she ventured home, she pulled her phone from her pocket to see what she'd missed.

 **5:10PM**  
**Anya**  
_Lexa, I'm getting ready for my date with Raven and I would appreciate it if you could return soon. Clarke is still sleeping and I'd prefer she not wake up alone and get confused because no one's there. Thank you_

 **5:32PM**  
**Anya**  
_I'm borrowing that necklace of yours btw. That ambery brown tourmaline one. I'll keep it safe_

 **5:45PM**  
**Anya**  
_You're not here, so I assume you won't be. I've called Octavia to come over and get Clarke, or keep her company. I don't want her waking up alone. In the off chance she texts you and can't get into the dorm, let her know my key card is hidden under the rock beside the flower pot._

 **6:04PM**  
**Octavia**  
_hey lexa r u home can u let me in_

Lexa couldn't help but feel a little bad at her evasiveness bringing Anya to call on Octavia, especially since Lincoln's girlfriend apparently did show up. Still, she just wasn't ready to handle Anya aggressively teasing her, and she wasn't ready to sit by and relax while Anya and Clarke were all snuggled up together like lovers, barely a few feet away.

Knowing Anya left Clarke in bed, and was worrying about Clarke waking up alone, all while going out on a date with Raven? It honestly boggled Lexa's mind. She had felt quite certain that her cousin was into Raven, not Clarke, and yet, she'd certainly caught the two in a compromising position. Why else would Anya worry about Clarke waking alone?

 _They have been getting closer...they've napped together before today, though they'd never been tangled in each other's limbs, and Clarke had NEVER fallen asleep on top of Anya. I don't understand...Raven is Clarke's friend, why would she do this to her on the day of their date? Raven asked Anya out, Anya accepted, and Clarke sang to ME, so...why?_ Lexa wondered, wracking her brain as she made her way down the road towards her dorm, Octavia visible off in the distance. _There has to be an explanation. I'm not going to let Clarke confuse things for Anya...but I won't be able to do that if I can't get to Clarke._

Lexa continued her march down the street, eventually waving to catch Octavia's attention, a relieved smile spreading across the short girl's face. "Hey, Lexa! I thought you were inside, Anya asked me to stop by."

"I just saw your text, and she told me to tell you the keycard was hidden under the rock..." Lexa noted as she gestured to the rock in question before grabbing Anya's card. "But I figured since I was a few seconds away, I'd just talk to you myself. Why _did_ she send you by, anyways?"

Octavia's hesitant shrug, the hint of worry and frustration at the edge of the girl's eyes, it all told her that Clarke's roommate knew something was up. "She asked if I'd come by to bring Clarke home or keep her company, maybe cheer her up. Said Clarke fell asleep on her, though, which...well, we don't need to get into. I was just out, waiting to pick up an order I made earlier today, so the least I could do was come over. Clarke's my friend, you know?"

Lexa just nodded along, even if her concerns had her wanting to needle the girl for information. "Clarke is often tired when she comes over, it's rarely an issue. Did something happen to Clarke lately for her to need someone around?" She asked, hoping her questions could earn some answers to smooth out her confusion and concern.

Thankfully, her words instigated enough of Octavia's concern for Clarke, and seemed to loosen the girl's tongue. "I...fuck, I don't know. It sounds shitty, but I really haven't been around much, and I know she's been over here a lot lately, so...I just don't really know. Like, I dragged her old guitar over here in Lincoln's car in case she just needed a little cheering up, but...why would I get called here if Clarke was just sleeping? She and you guys are friends, it's not like you're worried she's gonna steal anything. Maybe something did happen..."

Lexa saw no end to Octavia's worries spiraling out and decided to step in as she peered up at her dorm room's window. "That's very thoughtful of you, I'm sure she'd appreciate it. By the look of it, she's probably still sleeping, with how dark my room is, so if you need time to pick up your order, you have it. I could give you Anya's card, head up, and watch over her until you get back. I'm sure you won't be long, and if Clarke's sleeping, she'll probably stay that way for a while yet."

Octavia jaw set, brow furrowed in concentration as she took in her offer. "It's Lincoln's Christmas gift, and they can only hold it until the shop closes. Which is, like, really soon...I feel bad, but you sure you wouldn't mind? I'll probably only be fifteen minutes, they were checking around back to get everything together when Anya called."

Lexa felt relief wash through her at the opportunity that presented itself. "I'll take good care of her, you just go get Lincoln's things. Why don't I take the guitar up as well, in case she wakes?"

"Yeah, absolutely. Thanks, Lexa, like I said, I'll be back before you know it." Octavia answered, taking Anya's key card from her, offering a brief wave before rushing off to Lincoln's car.

Knowing her time alone with Clarke was limited, Lexa took hold of the guitar case and entered Light Hall, hauling the black leather case up the stairs and down the hall to her dorm. There wasn't any light underneath the door, so she carefully turned the knob and slowly pushed the door open.

The room was pitch black aside from the ambient glow of the street lights filtering in from outside and providing Lexa enough to quietly sneak across the room and turn her desk lamp on. Her gaze turned to Anya's bed, where her cousin had left Clarke, apparently having covered the blonde with a pair of blankets for warmth. Anya was nice like that. The blonde's eyes were shut, and her slow, even breathing signaled that the girl was fast asleep.

Lexa gently sat down on her bed and rested the guitar case on her lap as she considered how to handle the situation. Would she be direct, demanding Clarke explain why she was trying to get between Anya and Raven? Would she try to use what warmth and friendliness she'd fostered with the blonde to coax out the girl's thoughts on Anya? Would she hold a calm tone or a fierce one, knowing differing emotions could prompt different responses? Would she remain seated, or would she stand and use minor visual cues to prompt a higher probability of a submissive response? _There's so much to consider, and such little time. I just want to know that Anya isn't being toyed with, she's old enough to make her own decisions. I just don't want to see her get hurt, and if for some reason Anya...if she...for whatever reason, if she wants CLARKE more than Raven, if they end up getting INTIMATE, then I guess, well...I suppose..._

"You can open it, you know. Instead of just playing with the seals." A groggy, raspy voice mumbled out, drawing Lexa's attention first to the blonde on Anya's bed, squinting blue eyes watching her curiously. Lexa's gaze then fell to her hands, which apparently unknowingly had been opening and closing the lid for the guitar case while deep in thought, if the newly loose seals were any indication.

Feeling a surge of embarrassment for once again being caught off guard by the blonde, Lexa shoved the came onto her pillow and straightened her posture. Green eyes watched with interest as Clarke sat up and grabbed a stray hoodie at the end of Anya's bed, the blonde swiftly pulling it over her head. "What time is it?"

"Twenty after six." Lexa answer shortly, though Clarke didn't seem affected by her tone at all, just tiredly sinking down at the edge of Anya's bed, directly across from Lexa.

"Ah, yeah. Definitely out on their date then." Clarke noted before yawning loudly, a hand thankfully covering the tired girl's mouth. "Pretty sure Anya's gonna love it. Raven definitely brought her A game with the plan for tonight." The blonde continued, a goofy smile curling her lips upward.

It all had Lexa confused, because why would Clarke want the date to go well if she was interested in Anya? It didn't make sense. "You're not the least bit jealous?" She asked, perhaps giving away her agenda for the sake of hopefully getting a quick, clear answer.

Tired blue eyes squinted with confusion at Lexa for a moment or two, but that uncertainty quickly smoothed out as Clarke's gaze was taken over by a calm focus. "Maybe of what they were getting up to tonight." The blonde noted carefully, watchful eyes peering deep into her with clear curiosity, as if Lexa was a puzzle ready to be solved. "But you thought differently."

Lexa gulped back her annoyance at Clarke quickly having prepared for such a confrontation, that sleepy daze whisked away in a second after the wrong word. It was annoying. "Could you blame me, when I walked in on you and Anya curled up together? On the day of her date?" She asked, deciding to be direct, knowing there wasn't any real tactical advantage left anymore. At least, none that Clarke wouldn't counter or see through.

"Lexa, Anya is a wonderful woman." Clarke stated slowly, a sweet lighthearted air to the last few syllables. It may have soothed a tiny bit of her worry over Clarke's intentions. Just a little. "But she's a friend to me. A friend that I just needed to have today."

Lexa's lips twisted in annoyance at how vague Clarke was being with her reassurances. "And how exactly did you need to have her, Clarke?"

Perhaps Clarke's long, heavy sigh was predictable, but the blonde's low laugh following it certainly wasn't. "Look, you don't want to believe me, that's fine. Maybe fair, even, after what you thought you saw. You're clearly concerned for your cousin, and I get that. It's actually really relieving that you're proving me right about something Anya and I talked about the other day." Clarke spoke, speaking a lot of words but not saying much of anything that made sense or was relevant to the situation at hand. "I needed Anya today for a bunch of reasons, none of which were sexual at all. She's beautiful, but I don't see her that way."

Lexa digested Clarke's statements, gauging the sincerity in the blonde's eyes and seeing no reason to doubt their truth. It was a little relieving, but left Lexa mostly perplexed. "And you needed to sleep on top of Anya, why?" None of it made sense. Anya was intimate with lovers, with family. Her cousin had always, always held that strict divide, and with Clarke not being family, that left one possibility. Or, at least, only one that made a lick of sense.

Clarke scoffed as she moved to her feet and crossed the room, Lexa's body rippling with nerves as the blonde sat down beside her, hands clasped in front. "Lexa, look, I'm friends with Anya now, and I'd really like to find our way towards friendship, too, so I'll tell you the truth."

Lexa was a little surprised at the offer, especially with Clarke taking a spot at her side to do so. _Is she going to lie to me? Is that why she's avoiding eye contact? Or...is...well, she does look particularly nervous. She's doing that thing with her right heel again..._ Lexa mused, watching the girl's right heel sway side to side, something of a nervous tick she'd noticed from her time around the blonde.

"I had a bad day. I was overtired and work got a hold of me on my phone and...look, the long and short of it was I was upset and needed Anya as a sounding board. I came around, and got nervous, because I hate talking about work, I actively avoid it, but I needed some support, and she was there for me. She helped, I vented until I was exhausted, and I guess I must have fallen asleep. We were sitting together, her back was to the pillow since she'd been reading when I came in, so I guess maybe I fell asleep on her, and she just reclined us back." Clarke explained, perhaps not in as much detail as Lexa would have liked, but it certainly painted an odd picture in her mind. "Anya's a great friend. You're lucky to have her as family."

She nodded along at that clear and obvious fact, because of course Anya was great. Lexa's mental processes were more concerned with an image of Clarke being upset enough to go to Anya for comfort and exhaust herself in venting about her troubles. From her perspective, Clarke was consistently unflappable; perhaps the girl could be silly and clumsy at times, but she'd never witnessed Clarke be emotionally vulnerable outside of that one musical performance weeks and weeks ago.

As difficult as it was to imagine, though, it made sense, even if it was something of a first. Anya letting Clarke nap on her like that, Anya being protective of Clarke and requesting she or Octavia watch over her, Clarke being hesitant to provide details on why she and Anya had been wrapped up like that. From personal history, she knew Anya wasn't a fan of discussing such instances, which was good, because she'd found herself in Anya's arms like that plenty of times. _Is that how Anya sees Clarke? Is that how Clarke sees Anya?_ She considered, knowing there was no way that Anya thought of Clarke as pure family, but she also knew that Anya rarely offered that level of security and care to anyone, and basically never anyone outside of her family that wasn't a lover. It was definitely new territory, and left Lexa with some burning questions, but nothing that gave cause for concern. _Anya's...finally made a close friend?_

"I am." She noted in response to the blonde's words, before lightly patting the guitar case. "Octavia was here to see you, but you were sleeping. She left to finish an errand nearby, but she should be back soon. In the meantime, she thought your guitar could cheer you up."

Lexa pulled the guitar case across her lap and handed it to Clarke, who popped the final seals open with a smile and pulled out a guitar Lexa hadn't seen before. It was different than the one from the party, much older and weathered, taking on a shape similar to an upright stringed instrument in a way.

"This was my dad's. It's been handed down through the family for generations, all the way back to my great grandfather. I'm pretty sure he stole it, actually, and my grandfather used it as decoration more than he played it, but my dad...my dad loved it from the first time he set eyes on it. He took such good care of it." Clarke noted absently as pale hands smoothed over the surface of the instrument. Lexa's chest grew tight hearing about its origins, recalling her own mother's small collection of instruments, recalling promises that they'd be hers one day. Knowing that she didn't even know where any of them were anymore, and yet here was Clarke, still holding on to a family heirloom that her father had graciously handed down. "Do you play?"

Lexa shook her head, fighting instinct, knowing what she did know and could do wasn't enough to say she could. Not when her mom hadn't finished teaching her. "No, just a chord or two." She answered, memory hopping to a fond memory of her mother's goofy little educational songs meant to teach her music theory, even if they weren't very effective. Too often, her mom would slip into a giggle fit at her own songs and then have to start over. Teeth bit into tender cheek as fought back the yearning bubbling up through her insides and up her throat, pressure squeezing at her heart. Her mom had always been so happy.

Clarke set the case aside and took the guitar into her arms, gently picking at the strings and reacquainting herself with it. "My dad took a lot of pride in this beast. He was always on the lookout for anyone else who played one, or something similar...he grew up in Georgia, and was a country boy at heart, and played the hell out of a lot of older country stuff, folk, bluegrass, that whole scene. Can't help but love a lot of that stuff, myself, with how much he loved sharing it with me."

Lexa wasn't sure why Clarke was opening up to her of all people, especially about a guitar, but she wasn't about to stop the blonde now. Not with such a warm, wonderful smile on the girl's face. It wasn't wrong to enjoy seeing someone happy, after all.

"My dad was kind of like Raven in some ways...he tinkered, and had a knack for being able to pick up on things, learn them really quickly. Whether it was fixing cars, playing guitar, skating and hockey, fireman training, or the whole range of his engineering work, things just...came to him. He was a natural, and...well, I was a clumsy little kid. I chalk my ability to play up to my father's patience, and inheriting my mother's stubbornness." Clarke continued, fingers picking idly at some song that immediately had Lexa rapt in attention at its odd intro, intricate melody, and how the blonde just seemed to breeze though the nuanced performance. "I can't play a lot of complex stuff aside from a few songs my dad and I used to run through as daily practice, but I'm okay at improvising."

"Like the Taylor Swift songs at Octavia's party." She found herself blurting out before the words even registered in her mind. Still, Clarke just widened her smile and nodded.

"Exactly. Don't get me wrong, she's alright, I just don't know how to play any of her songs in specific. I've just heard them, and I can usually feel out a performance and make it work." Clarke added, voice trailing off into a quiet hum as her fingers picked away with precision.

"Do you plan to get any better? Learn any new music?" She asked, wondering if maybe Clarke would one day consider learning a Taylor Swift song. Lexa, of course, had a number of selections she thought could be good choices for getting back in the proverbial saddle.

Clarke's shoulder lifted into a shrug, the blonde offering a noncommittal hum in place of an answer until her hands had finished up a particularly intricate little solo. "Maybe one day I'll feel inspired. For now, it's enough to keep it as a relaxing hobby, and to help jog my memory."

That much, Lexa could understand. If she had a guitar, perhaps it could help remember her mother a little better, or at least keep certain memories from slipping away. It was just a little painful to think about reconnecting like that after so long, after abandoning her mother's things because it had been too much to deal with when she was younger. Back then, it had been hard enough not to smash the instruments in anger at them being what her mother left behind, when she would have traded everything she had to get her parents back.

"My mother used to play guitar." Lexa murmured, immediately catching Clarke's attention and stilling the girl's hands, casting the room in silence, a not so subtle gesture for her to continue, she supposed. "Simple songs, mostly. She was a fan of The Carpenters, The Beach Boys, and while she was never wildly skilled, she...she was wonderful to listen to. Her voice was beautiful. "

Lexa smiled at the relief she felt from vocalizing that part of her past; while she still felt her insides squeezed from the pain of her loss, she could still manage a smile at the memory of her mother's airy, infectious laugh. That was a feat in itself.

"She was such a bad teacher, even if she was so patient with me. What little I learned from her, I learned watching her hands and trying to remember their placement when I tried my hand at it." Lexa continued with a shake of her head, recalling how her mom would be endlessly patient with her, and would be so confident in her despite how Lexa so often came out of the lessons having learned nothing. "How did your father teach you?"

Clarke's laugh bubbled up and shook its way out of the blonde, only getting hard as the girl worked at containing it instead of carrying on. "He, uh...trial by fire is probably the best description. I'd always want to play with him, but if I couldn't keep up, I'd have to play rhythm. Which, in hindsight, was a good way to burn the fundamentals into my skull, but he's always tease me so much, so I'd just hole myself up in my room and practice. If I wasn't at school, eating, playing hockey, or asleep, I was probably playing guitar." Clarke explained, fingers shifting to play a new song, one a little lighter than the last. "This was his favourite. When it was first released, he was so excited, and learned it all in less than a week. I ground away at it until I had it down, and then it kind of got to be a regular whenever we'd play together."

Lexa listened as Clarke's fingers plucked and swept along the strings, looping back to the melody she heard the song start off with, the blonde mumbling along to the song as she apparently went through it. Now, Lexa wasn't a pushy person, she gave people their space, and clearly that song was very near and dear to Clarke, but it did seem a little odd to perform a song clearly with one's hands and not with one's voice. So maybe she gently shoulder-nudged the blonde.

And maybe a laugh blurted out of Clarke, curious blue eyes meeting her own as Clarke's mumbling became clearer. "...school when I was nine, and the sisters said I did just as I pleased." Clarke sang quietly as their eyes held contact, the blonde's fingers picking away at a brief solo. "Even so, I try to be a good girl. It's only what I want that makes me weak...I had no desire to be a child of sin, then you went and pressed your sweet lips to my cheek."

Lexa felt her face bloom with warmth at the last bit there, but she felt fairly confident that it was dark enough in the room to obscure it, letting her mind wander towards the topic of sinning, soft lips, and good girls for a few enticing moments.

Perhaps a few moments too long, because before she knew it, the music was stopping, and Clarke's hands had stilled along the body of the guitar. "Sorry about that, I just have the habit of tuning out the world when I play that song sometimes."

Lexa resisted breathing a sigh of relief at Clarke not calling her out on her gaffe, or perhaps not even catching it. "It's fine, Clarke. You're quite talented."

Which, to Lexa's horror and fortune, had Clarke's cheeks clearly blushing a deep red, ensuring that the blonde likely had witnessed her own embarrassing reaction mere seconds ago. "I could teach you sometime...you know, if you wanted to learn, that is."

"Oh! Um..." Lexa stumbled out, the sound of her phone beeping about a new text providing her with a reprieve from answering that question, at least for the moment. Because, really, she very much wanted to learn. She had a feeling that Clarke's agile fingers could teach her a great many things. That prospect was also more than a little too terrifying to handle at the moment; such decisions weren't supposed to be made in haste. Quickly, Lexa checked her phone and opened her newest message, Octavia's icon greeting her. "Octavia's here, she's just finding a place to park."

Clarke's expression drooped a little at the news, though Lexa couldn't say with complete certainty that it was from disappointment. "She'll probably want to head back to the dorm and hang out. I know Raven will want to stop by and see me later, too, to gush about her date, so I guess I should probably head out. I know Anya will at least have you to help with that, but...you let her know I'll be all ears tomorrow morning, okay?"

Lexa allowed herself a nod as Clarke stood up and gathered a bag, scarf, and coat and bundled up for the cold weather. "In the meantime, can you keep my little beast safe? I mean, feel free to play with it if you want, she's hard to break. And...again, if you ever want to learn, you only have to ask."

The level of trust Clarke bestowed upon her, if just until Anya got home, was staggering. A family heirloom that the blonde clearly treasured, left to her watch. "Of course. Goodnight, Clarke."

"Goodnight, Lexa." Clarke offered with a small wave, one Lexa matched, before slipping out the door, leaving Lexa alone in her dimly lit dorm room with an ancient guitar resting at her side.

Her hand ran along the edge of the guitar's body, knowing she had a few hours until Anya was set to return. Certainly long enough to maybe immerse herself in some old, dusty recollections of her mother, she figured, fingers trailing down the series of strings. Tonight, she'd let herself remember.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs courtesy of Gillian Welch. "Revelator" (the first song Clarke idly picks away at) and "Tennessee" (her father's favourite song, the one she sings a bit of).
> 
> This ran long, mostly because there really wasn't a good way to cut things down or split things up, and the next chapter really does need to be structured in a way that wouldn't do well with this chapter's final scene leading it off. And I wanted to do this scene before the date with Raven and Anya. So things just piled up, one paragraph led to another, and we ended up with a lot of material. :P
> 
> Anywho, thanks so much for taking the time to read! It warms my heart that so many of you have been enjoying the variety of relationships across this fic.


	11. Chapter 11

Anya was pleasantly surprised. Not that she probably should have been surprised, given the amount of notice Raven had to plan their night, but she couldn't remember the last time she'd held a smile for so long. She'd wondered about where Raven would take her, and was actually quite happy that the initial portion of the walk was a familiar one, strolling west along the emerald necklace. It made for a beautiful setting, but not a distracting one, letting Anya fill in the moments of silence with remarks on the area and wildlife between Raven's awkward one liners and comments, at least until the girl seemed to hit her rhythm. It hadn't taken long for her date to realize that silence wasn't an issue for her, which seemed to have a bit of a calming influence, Raven's words coming out more confident and considerate.

The first stop had been at a café along Beacon Street, to learn how to make turnovers. Somehow, and Anya swore she'd find out the source of such treachery, word had leaked about how she was miserable at baking most pastries, particularly flaky ones. As such, Raven had a friend at the shop set up a lesson for them. Apparently, the woman ran lessons once a month on a Friday, but had made a special exception for their date.

Which, well, might have made her feel a little special.

_Not to mention how amusing it was when my turnovers turned out better than hers. Seems she's pretty competitive...and cute when she's being a bit of a sore loser, as if pastry baking is a serious competition..._

After snacking for a bit, they'd made their way through the Amory playground and Knyvet Square, north towards the Boston University campus, making a quick stop at a coffee shop to warm up. Anya waited over by a free table while Raven waited up at the counter for their orders to be ready.

_Tonight's honestly been much easier that I expected it to be...maybe dating actually is kind of like riding a bike. Still, ever since that first party, she's been strangely easy to talk with. A little opinionated and snarky, but I'm no stranger to that. And she really is easy on the eyes, even if I'm sure she's freezing her tail off in that leather jacket. Just like I'm sure this detour of hers is probably just to warm up before we get to where we're going, since I'm pretty sure that's a heating vent she's standing by..._

Raven's unfortunate choice of clothes was a hit aesthetically, but more suited to temperatures in the thirties or higher, and she didn't want her first date in a long time to end up with a trip to the hospital. _Maybe I'll break rule 4 and help her out a little..._

"Hey, sorry for the wait. The guy in front of me had a stupidly complex order, and the barista apparently wasn't doing it properly, so he was throwing a bit of a shit fit." Raven noted with a roll of her eyes, holding out Anya's order. "One mocha with cinnamon and an extra pump of chocolate. Gotta say, I'm digging the sweet tooth."

Anya narrowed her eyes playfully, and perhaps a bit in question of how her slight love of chocolate was appealing. "Does it surprise you?"

Raven just laughed, head tilting as dark eyes scanned over her body. Which, given she was all bundled up in her big white coat, had to be a bit on instinct. _A little brazen, but I don't quite mind...I know I'm more than just a body to her..._

"Honestly, you've got to get your fill of calories somehow. I've seen your workouts...I'd be surprised if you weren't mowing down something sweet here and there to keep balanced." Raven explained, and Anya could only shrug, because it was pretty much the truth. With the practices, the games, and her workouts, she had more than enough opportunities to sneak a treat into her meals, especially on her 'cheat day', so to speak. So long as she didn't go wild on unhealthy foods, Anya had a pretty free rein on what she could have.

"I take it you got your coffee black?" She asked in return, chuckling at Raven's eyebrows shooting up in surprise. "Clarke told me it's the only way you take it. Apparently, you turn into a veritable Energizer bunny."

"This is totally unfair, you know. She basically told me nothing about you." Raven grumped, if mostly just for show if the amusement in her eyes was any indicator. Still, it'd give a good opportunity to bond over common ground. They both cared about Clarke, and while she was skilled at compartmentalizing, she allowed herself some hope that Octavia had gotten around to keep Clarke company. It was hard to leave, but she knew Clarke would have hated to disrupt her and Raven's plans.

"If you think Clarke handed over your secrets to me, you've misjudged her. She insisted I learn about you from you...she's a good friend. I only managed to get your coffee order out of her...that and a certain story involving a food stand, a famous actor, and his sister?" Anya claimed, eyes narrowing in question at the gobsmacked girl before her who was suddenly squeezing very tightly onto that coffee.

"Oh my god, I can't believe she's done this..." Raven muttered to herself, dazedly shaking her head before snapping her attention fully back to Anya. "To my credit, her laugh was seriously hideous."

Anya laughed at the fervent assertion and took a sip of her drink. "Enough to give her the Heimlich? Really?"

"I literally thought she was dying! I'm certified and everything, so like...I'm pretty sure if I let someone die, I could be sued. It's dangerous having skills, sometimes. So yeah...that was...mortifying...not as bad as vomiting on them both on the roller coaster, but yeah." Her date explained hastily, stumbling a bit over her words in the process, clearly a bit embarrassed, though it was that final bit that was the most attention-grabbing.

Anya's eyebrows shot up at the new detail, feeling suddenly thankful for Clarke's ability for causing mischief, because her own shock suddenly had Raven pale-faced and gaping again. "Oh god, I'll kill her."

"Don't tell me you're afraid of heights?" Anya suggested, earning a quick shake of the head from her date.

"No, not at all. I love roller coasters, I just got some bad food at one of the food stands, and it unsettled my stomach. That, and the nerves I felt sitting in front of him and his sister after...well, the whole choking thing, and the fame, I guess." Raven explained, and Anya supposed that made a bit more sense, even if her urge to be a bit forward didn't. Still, she was having a good time, and maybe some minor suggestion would improve her date's mood.

"I always steered clear of roller coasters, but maybe one day you'll have to show me if they're worth the hype." Anya added, fighting her own smirk when Raven's mouth curled back up into an eager smile.

"Yeah, yeah definitely." Raven said with a little nod, eyes losing focus for a brief moment before a flash of realization washed over her. "Right, the book of poetry you'd lug along to the carnivals. For what it's worth, I don't know a lot about poetry, and I'm not huge on sitting still for long, but I'd be into curling up at a library or something and hearing some of your favourites."

The whole idea was enticing and surprising. As the girl noted, largely because Raven always seemed to be on the go, or working on something, so the prospect of her sitting down for a stretch of time and listening to Anya read? That took a moment to digest. Yet, it set a wonderfully intimate stage; Anya selecting the works closest to her heart, reciting them in hushed tones with Raven curled up against her, sharing that part of herself rarely anyone ever seemed interested in, all with someone who honestly seemed damn interested in knowing her.

"Perhaps that could be arranged." She decided, smirking at the infusion of colour into her date's face. "But let's not get too ahead of ourselves...I still don't know where we're going right now."

Raven gestured towards the door, and Anya could honestly only give her date another once over before raising a questioning brow. "Is it far? Because I don't want you dying of frostbite."

"Tch. It's just another ten minutes, I'll be fine." Raven insisted, taking another sip of her coffee.

"'Fine' my ass. Here..." Anya noted, pulling her ear muffs and gloves off before moving to Raven and carefully covering up the woman's extremities. Sure, it meant that she'd be a bit colder, but Raven really did need some protection from the low temperatures.

"I hope you can appreciate the herculean effort I made in not jumping on that golden opportunity." Raven joked, only to be met with her stony expression. Not that Anya was upset or annoyed, she just knew it would fluster the woman, and Raven really was endearing when fumbling over herself. "N...not that you don't deserve compliments. Just not the one I could have made. Well, I _wouldn't_ have, because I respect you, and all, and...shit."

Deciding to give her date a break, Anya finally cracked a smile and lightly shoved her. "I'm aware of my fine ass, Reyes." Anya teased, reveling a bit in Raven's frustration, if just for a moment. "I think we're ready to go on, now."

"You sure you'll be warm enough?" Raven asked inexplicably, apparently unaware that Anya had been quite cozy in her winter wear in comparison, and would continue to be, if just a bit chillier.

"Says the woman wearing a moderately thin leather jacket and skin-tight jeans in the middle of winter. Are you serious?" She asked, wondering what kind of reasoning Reyes had for even considering asking such a bizarre question.

"It's just...okay, so I didn't dress for the weather, but I'm good." Raven insisted, though not too convincingly, so Anya just raised that eyebrow a bit more and tilted her head forward in expectation. "Okay, it's just that you look cute in the ear muffs. And your hands could get cold without your gloves."

Again, Anya's brain froze a bit at the assertion that she was cute. She had been called pretty, beautiful, hot, smoking, but never cute. At least, not in many years by anyone who wasn't family. She still wasn't entirely sure what to make of Raven's compliments, but she decided that for now, she'd just enjoy them, knowing the girl only meant well with them, and that they were rather flattering.

"Well, lucky for me, my clutch doubles as a muff, so they can stay warm. But maybe since I haven't finished my drink, you could keep my free hand warm on the walk over?" Anya asked, wanting to establish that she was fine with touching, particularly hand holding; they were on their first date, and it was winter. Hand holding just seemed like a nice idea.

"Yeah...I'd like that." Raven answered with a bright smile before taking her hand and guiding her out of the shop.

The chilly winter air was a bit of a shock from the warm coffee shop, but Raven taking her hand and walking so close to her made it easy to forget the weather. "So, tell me about yourself, Raven."

"I was wondering when we'd get to this part. Anyway, I'm an only child with amazing mom. She's the reason I'm here, really...taught me early and often, and did what she could to make sure I could attend great schools, test out of some grades along the way, focus on all the stuff I loved. Growing up, I loved building things, so when I wasn't doing schoolwork, or dreaming of being an astronaut, I'd be building things and taking them apart. I got into MIT as a fourteen year old, graduated two years ago. I realized I didn't want to jump into work just yet, or grad school...I wanted a taste of normality, and another degree that'd help me maybe get into NASA one day, so I came to BC and decided to play hockey, since I'd started playing a few years back casually." Raven noted calmly, smiling especially wide at mention of her mom, and holding that smile throughout. It was a good look on her.

"Interesting how you start playing hockey in your teens, and you wind up being the Eagles' steadiest defenseman by sophomore year." Anya offered, knowing it'd play into her date's ego, wanting to see exactly how the woman would take it.

"Eh, what can I say? I like to excel." Raven retorted with a happy grin, oozing pride and confidence, her cockiness not overwhelming enough to feel concerned over.

"Your mom must be proud. Any plans with for the holidays?" She asked, mostly curious about if Raven would be traveling anywhere for a stretch of time, but she knew her question could give a glimpse at family traditions as well.

Raven shook her head and took an extra second or so longer than usual to respond. "Yeah, my mom's pretty great about everything. We usually have Christmas together, but this year, she's down in Florida with her brother since he's not doing well."

Anya felt a twinge of sympathy and gave the woman's hand a squeeze, knowing it wasn't much, but it was something. "I'm sorry to hear it."

"I'm more upset that my mom has to deal with this without me around. His side of the family are a bunch of shitty homophobes who hate that I'm bi, and won't let me near them, so I had to stay up here. So I'm not so worried about them, they have each other. I just don't want my mom to be sad." Raven explained, making it all a bit less gut wrenching. "But at least some good came of it. Clarke, O, and I are spending Christmas together, so that should be fun."

Anya let out a laugh at the thought of all three girls stuck together in a confined space. "That sounds like the recipe for mayhem."

"Mmmmm, exactly. I'll be way more prepared for that than them, though." Raven joked with a wink. "I've been working on a new prototype snowball launcher that I think will blow them away."

Anya was about to comment on how Raven should remind her not to get on her bad side when her date slowed to a stop outside of a pub she remembered from a few years back. She eyes the poster taped to the outside of the building and shot Raven an excited grin. "Trivia contest? And a Foreigner cover band's playing after?"

Raven just bit her lip and nodded. "You up for tag-teaming with me, Anya?"

Anya cast a glance at the door to the pub and let her grin grow menacingly wide. "Oh, those poor unfortunate souls. We're going to wreck them, and they don't even know it."

Her date took hold of the door and pulled it open, gesturing for her to enter. "After you then, Destroyer of Worlds, Grand Archivist of Pop Culture. You shall lead the charge and herald the coming of the Queen of Science and Purveyor of Useless Facts."

Anya's grin held as she took in the sight of her competition, excited to see what carnage she and Raven could accomplish. Over the years, she and Lexa had been formidable at pub-style trivia, and they'd grown up on trivial pursuit, but Raven was a wild card. That made things interesting.

And potentially ending their stay at the pub with some cover songs of a band she loved? Someone would be getting a hell of a goodnight kiss, if the date so far was any indication.

* * *

Lexa wasn't at all fond of interstates and major highways, so perhaps it wasn't a complete surprise when the ride back to Virginia for the holidays felt as if it was dragging on and on. Honestly, she'd been content enough back at the dorms in Boston, almost all the people she cared about that were still in her life were there, more or less. Still, Anya had wanted to go home for the holidays, and Lincoln as well, which was understandable enough even if their relationships with their parents were a bit strained.

Truthfully, she expected it wouldn't be much different than it was last year, with Luna spending most of the time locked away in her office, and Gus being interrupted every hour or so with phone calls. Still, it'd be nice to see the Pine family homestead again; she'd spent a good chunk of her life growing up within those walls, and she'd have Anya, and eventually Lincoln, at her side during their stay.

Lincoln, of course, had made the political decision to spend Christmas Eve with Octavia and her family, meaning he'd arrive late that night to spend the rest of the time with his family. Which meant she'd have a lot of one-on-one time with Anya in the near future.

With Anya wholeheartedly singing along to Hall & Oates' _'You Make My Dreams'_ in the driver's seat, Lexa for the first time in her life found herself desperately wishing for a more festive set of music to grace her ears when they got home. Anya had surpassed the boundaries of obnoxiousness since her date with Raven, and while Lexa loved that her cousin was so jubilant, she could only take so much insufferably upbeat eighties pop music.

It was unsettling to find herself yearning for some Christmas music by the Carpenters or Mariah Carey, when she was usually too oversaturated by their songs at that point in the holiday season. Not that she wasn't getting to the point of annoyance with them, but they were the lesser of two evils.

_Maybe I'll just commandeer the stereo system when I get in..._ Lexa thought to herself, nodding along to her plan, knowing Anya would expect her to unpack first. At least with the music out of the way, that would be one less thing to be concerned with. _Now, if I can get Anya to remember how to tell festive movies from movies unrelated to holidays, this could turn into a pretty good night..._

Not that a night spent with Anya would be bad in any real sense, but her cousin had been acting a little oddly as of late, and it all had Lexa feeling a bit off kilter. Just the past night, Anya had settled down with her to watch some Christmas movies. Or, so Lexa had been told, being surprised by 'Pretty Woman' before they'd made their way through their collective holiday favourite film, 'Die Hard'.

And sure, Lexa may have had a little crush on Julia Roberts back in the day, and she hadn't seen it before, so she didn't complain, even if Richard Gere always gave her the creeps. She assumed her cousin was just on another nostalgia kick and didn't comment on the choice; Anya, after all, was heavily invested in it, if her regular comments about Vivian were any indication. Anya was always talkative in movies, so it wasn't out of the ordinary that her cousin prodded her for comments and answers throughout, but there _was_ a lot of focus on Vivian.

If Lexa wasn't so certain about Anya's methods, and how she respected Lexa's boundaries, she might have thought her cousin was thinking about hiring a prostitute for her, by all the little probing questions. It even made a little sense, given how Anya would occasionally tease her for being sexually frustrated , but she also knew the woman would never surprise her or push her to test her readiness without her consent. Besides, Anya was usually blunt and up front about most things, so the constant comments about Vivian just confused the heck out of her.

_Whatever...I just want to get my Muppet Christmas Carol on. Maybe some Jingle All the Way, too..._ Lexa mused, smiling at the memory of Anya scouring bargain bins for cheesy holiday movies every year, and how they'd both fallen in love with the ridiculousness of Schwarzenegger fighting swarms of holiday shoppers for a stupid toy. Ever since, they'd usually squeezed in time to watch it every year, and Lexa hoped that tradition would continue.

Her focus was pulled from her thoughts when Anya shut off the stereo just as Asia's 'Heat of the Moment' came on. It was unheard of for Anya to skip that song, so Lexa found herself a little on edge and uncertain, watching her cousin at the edge of her sightline, both of them tense and silent in their seats.

"If...if this is about Raven again, I'm happy for you Anya. You don't have to keep checking with me about that." Lexa noted, breaking the silence after it had stretched for a minute or two. She wasn't sure why her cousin had stopped the music, but she knew that a quiet car generally meant serious discussions would be had, if the past was any indicator.

Anya shook her head, but her mouth remained clamped shut for long seconds afterwards. Lexa waited patiently, knowing Anya would speak when she found the words, given she was rarely one who rushed conversation. It was one of the things that tended to end in frustration, with how Anya's need to be precise and tactical with her words conflicted with the woman's impatience and short temper.

"I talked to Clarke yesterday." Anya let out slowly, and Lexa braced for, well, just about anything. She knew she'd been brusque with Clarke, but also knew the blonde tended to give her a break on that front, so she wasn't entirely certain what was behind the slight warning in Anya's voice.

"Oh? How is she?" Lexa asked, knowing that playing naive would push Anya to make her point faster out of annoyance. She'd much rather Anya sing loudly to cheesy music than risk getting lectured for the rest of the ride. It'd be rare that her cousin ever got mad at her, but there was a certain soul-crushing quality of disappointing her, and being in a car with nowhere to go seemed a bad place to be on the end of one of those talks. Not that she expected it, but she had been a little mean to Clarke the other day.

"You gave her the third degree, and basically called her a home-wrecker, after I specifically asked you if you could come home and keep watch over her." Anya stated with a tone that made it clear to Lexa that any rebuttal or comment of hers would not be a good idea. "I'm happy to hear you approve of Raven and I working on a relationship, but I'm not happy how you handled Clarke."

Lexa's teeth gnawed away at her lip at the disappointment practically dripping from Anya's words. It was the only visible response she could allow herself, as much as she wanted to crawl into a black hole from the shuddering ache in her chest. "I know." She spoke, knowing apologies would have to wait until Anya had made her fully aware of what to be sorry for.

"I had a date that evening with Raven. I left Clarke to go on that date...reluctantly, but I did. I trusted she'd be well taken care of, and instead you sent Octavia away on an errand and blitzed her solo. I know you're not used to me having many close friends, little one, but I thought we'd been over this. I asked you to try, for me." Anya continued, voice wavering slightly at that last bit, which only had her feeling worse, that gnawing ache near overwhelming, making her eyes glassy and wet.

"I wasn't thinking clearly." Lexa said before she could even realize she'd opened her mouth, letting words spill out. It was a miracle that Anya didn't reprimand her for interrupting, but when she saw the expectant gaze of her cousin, she knew her outburst came with a cost. Lexa closed her eyes and took a deep breath, really not wanting to get into this, but knowing that her cousin would find a way to get the truth eventually. _May as well be now..._

"You've never been like that with a friend before. I thought Clarke was pushing for more, and it scared me, because I knew Raven was serious, and I didn't think Clarke would be like that for you, not like that. I thought she could hurt you." Lexa explained, waiting for a glance from her cousin before continuing on. "It wasn't my place. I should have trusted you knew your situation better than I did." She continued, waiting for a nod of acceptance with bated breath, dread washing over her when Anya's eyebrows rose instead. A clear sign that her cousin expected a bit more than she was saying. "And _maybe_ I was...affected a little bit by an irrational bout of jealousy."

To be truthful, there _was_ an added element of shock involved in her reaction, from being faced with potential romantic intimacy without warning. A big part of that, though, was from the visceral reminder of how easy it had been for Anya to slide into her connection with Raven, and how easy she could just curl up with someone like Clarke out of the blue like that.

It was from being shown something she was scared she'd never have again, not after being so thoroughly broken. From being shown something she'd once adored having with Costia, dozens of painful memories flashing back to her in a breathless instant of seeing Clarke and Anya wrapped up together like it wasn't even slightly monumental. From the instinctive reaction of thinking another family member was being taken from her, even if it was a bit irrational; Lincoln hadn't truly gone anywhere, and she still had a few months left to enjoy Anya as a regular presence in her life. Yes, there had been worry, and certainly some jealousy involved. Anya didn't need to hear about her bitterness, or her envy, or her abandonment issues. It'd only make her cousin feel guilty, and that wouldn't do.

Anya thankfully offered a nod at her words, eyes fully back on the road, even though Lexa knew her cousin's focus was still mostly on her. "Clarke and I are friends. She's...different from the others I've had in my life, and I know that's confusing for you, but we are strictly and happily platonic. Do I need to go over the kinds of relationships, intimacy, and everything again?" Anya asked, referring back to when her cousin had sat her down in ninth grade and gave her the full on birds and the bees talk. It had been mortifying at the time, but immensely valuable when it came to understanding the ways people could connect, and especially how she understood her own sexuality. It certainly made coming out to Anya much easier than it would have been otherwise.

Lexa shook her head in answer, and waited for Anya to continue. "We care about each other, and we're affectionate. I've wanted more of those kinds of connections in my life, Lexa, and I know Clarke really needs them. More days like Tuesday will come around, and I'll be there for her, however she needs me. Are you going to be able to handle that?" Anya asked, and as jealous as she knew she could be, Lexa offered a nod in response. She could tamp down on her instincts and gut reactions, she could do more mental preparation. For Anya, she could and would.

Still, as she nodded, her memory flashed back to hazy recollections of Anya pulling Lincoln aside shortly after she'd been taken in by the Pines. How neither sibling was ever quiet enough in their arguing to keep Lexa from hearing how Anya would remind her brother about prioritizing attention. Lincoln had been going through a Star Wars kick at the time, so she'd explained it to him about how x-wings would only have so much energy they could balance between lasers and shields, and sometimes if it'd been damaged, energy would have to move to shields and it'd have to be selective with attacks.

It'd been a rough, awkward method of explanation, but it hadn't taken long for Lexa to understand that Anya saw her family as a unit, and if one was hurt, everyone was hurt. Attention would be prioritized accordingly, temporarily shifting away from the fun things Anya would often coddle Lincoln with, and towards things that helped Lexa heal from the loss of her parents. And, later on, how Anya and Lincoln helped with the Costia situation.

Perhaps it was odd to think it, but Anya was giving off a lot of those old, familiar vibes regarding Clarke, and while she trusted Anya to make the right decision, it was still difficult to think of that network expanding by a member without her knowing first. Suddenly, she thought she knew how Lincoln felt, years ago, even if she was proud of Anya for stepping up and growing enough to start making closer friendships.

"I will. I'm sorry, Anya." She answered, deciding to be more vocal, both to reassure her cousin of her sincerity, and to help as a lead-in to a question of her own. "Did Clarke tell you when she was heading back to Virginia for the holidays? Should I be expecting a visit from her at home, popping by there like she does at our dorm?"

It was a peculiar thought, Clarke being included in some of their holiday traditions, potentially meeting more of the family. Not a bad thought, or entirely uncomfortable, surprisingly enough. Just a little odd to think about. _She probably wouldn't leave her hoodies around for me to wear, though...even if she wouldn't really have to, since I packed one..._

Lexa watched Anya's eyes darken in anger, the woman's expression falling into familiar cues of concern, before her cousin smoothed out her features. "I wouldn't expect a visit, no."

The answer was a bit stilted and light on details, and it was a little confusing in the context of Anya's reaction. Clarke had an SUV with winter tires on, and the blonde probably lived less than forty minutes away, if Clarke had told the truth a ways ago that she'd lived next to one of the arenas they tended to play each other in, back in the day. Given Clarke would often stop for coffee on the way, the commute wouldn't be too much longer than her usual, certainly not enough to justify avoiding a visit. "Is her family keeping her too busy? I thought she was an only child."

"She is an only child, yes." Anya stated, worlds flinty and clipped in a way that practically screamed 'DANGER: MINEFIELD', but Lexa couldn't help herself and her curiosity over the fact that Anya avoided her question. When she moved to speak, Anya silenced her with a low growl that trailed off into a clearly frustrated sigh. "Do _not_ press Clarke about this. Don't assume _anything_. Just know that I'm not upset at _you_ , little one."

Lexa pondered over Anya's words for a few moments, feeling a little better after the reassurance, given the slightly homicidal undertones in her cousin's words. Still, it begged the question of who Anya was upset at, if not her or Clarke. Anya's mood had taken a turn at her mentioning Clarke heading back home, but she knew Clarke had good memories there, and a father she clearly cared about.

_Yet, her father's guitar was handed down to her...and she said she plays to remember when they would practice together. She...I suppose she used past tense a few times...is he...?_ Lexa processed, her thoughts feeling a bit scattered as she delved into her memories for clues. As more and more came up, she more certain she was at the sad conclusion that the blonde's father had passed away, or is gone away at the least. _So maybe she doesn't have her father at home. But she has her mother, surely. Except...didn't Lincoln say Clarke hadn't gone home for Thanksgiving? Clarke hasn't made any effort at going home for the holidays, either..._

"She's not going back home for Christmas." Lexa found herself saying absently, that possibility burning into her mind until she voiced it. She watched Anya's jaw clench, and Anya didn't even need to nod for her to know it was true. Lexa still didn't understand the 'why' of it, and couldn't help but feel more curious. "Is it because she's...bisexual?"

Anya shook her head sharply. "That's Raven's reason for staying in Boston for the holidays. Clarke...it's complicated, and if she wants to tell you, she will. I don't even know everything." Her cousin asserted, not doing a tremendously good job of tamping down on her emotions, jaw jutting out and shivering the tiniest bit. Whatever Anya knew, Lexa wasn't sure sating her morbid curiosity would be worth it, which was a little unsettling. Perhaps more than a little, honestly. "Anyway, I'm completely off track with what I wanted to say."

"So, aside from me being a disappointment, what else did you want to discuss?" Lexa let out, having hoped that their talk would end with Clarke, but apparently Anya had other ideas. Never had she missed Richard Marx quite so much.

Lexa barely threw her arm up to grab the hand-grip in time when Anya swerved hard onto the shoulder of the road, the car skidding to a stop within a few seconds as she stared wide-eyed and expectant at her cousin. Blind instinct had her expecting Anya's familiar intense frustration whenever her cousin experienced some sort of shock or a surprise she didn't like. The woman's form was stiff and tense, leaned forward and bracing against the steering wheel with a white knuckle grip.

However, when her gaze followed up to find Anya's hardened, averted gaze, it wasn't there. And second by second, one shuddering breath at a time, that tension fell away until Anya was bowed against the wheel, eyes brimming and full with tears.

Lexa pushed through the confusion and questions that fought to keep her body still and distant, the familiar need to observe and understand swept away by the most minute trembling of Anya's shoulders, hauling her body across the console to pull Anya into a tight embrace.

Any words she could have thought up to clarify what she might have meant died when Anya's arms wrapped around her, foreheads touching as Anya's amber gaze bore into her own. "Never..." Anya choked out fervently, one hand dragging up to her face, thumb caressing her cheek even as a palm pressed hard against her skin. "If I didn't love you so goddamn much, I would _fight_ you, Lexa. You've...you've never been a disappointment. Okay, little one?"

Lexa tried her hand at swallowing back the emotional shrapnel lodged in her throat as she gave a small nod, not quite understanding where this particular brand of intensity was coming from, but appreciating the sentiment too much to really care. "I apologize. I chose my words wrong."

"No, no, I'm the sorry one, I need to apologize, not you. If I made you feel like a disappointment, Lexa, that's on me. Okay?" Anya asked, clearly in full-on mama bear mode now, and Lexa knew there was no stopping that. And alright, maybe she didn't particularly want it to stop just yet, even if she really didn't want to broach a number of subjects Anya could certainly pull out of her. "I...I need you to know...I need you to understand, Lexa...you and Lincoln are it for me."

Lexa felt her face warm at the affection, knowing it was sincere, even if Anya was knee-deep in one of her more overbearing moments. "You're being overdramatic, Anya. I love you, but you're being a major mama bear right now. There's more to your life than just me and Linc."

The sigh that escaped Anya was harsh and a little disbelieving as her cousin leaned backwards a bit to create a bit of distance, tears swimming in dark amber eyes. "Of course, but you two...you're my world. Neither of you could be disappointments in my eyes." Anya let out in a strained whisper, thumb grazing at her cheek once more. "You two are the best things that ever happened to me, and I know...I know I'm graduating this year, and you're just in your first, but I'm not going to leave you all alone, Lexa. I just need you to know that even though things are changing, I will always be here for you, little one."

The swift shift in subject matter was nearly enough to give her whiplash, and though Anya's words had her heart soaring with relief and hope, it was hard to trust that feeling. Even if Anya was about a sure thing as anyone in the world. The fact was that Lincoln's time was largely being monopolized by Octavia and school, with the little that remained mostly going to Anya and his friends. Anya, in turn, would be graduating and entering the workforce, would likely have a girlfriend of her own in Raven to monopolize her time, and had a new interesting friend in Clarke to dote on. It was hard to see room in either of their lives for her after this coming semester. It was hard to enjoy her last remnants of time with them when they were slipping through her fingers like sand from an hourglass.

No, she didn't need to talk about that. Not on a drive back home.

"I know you love me, Anya. What does your talk with Clarke have to do with it?" Lexa asked in hopes for a diversion, feeling for once much more comfortable discussing the blonde than Anya's soon to be tenuous place in her life.

Anya's face fell, softening at her words as those uncharacteristic tears finally overflowed, the hand on her cheek slipping back to run through her hair. "My point was that I'm bringing Clarke into the fold as my friend, but that doesn't mean you're not still my number one girl, Lexa. Always have been, always will be." Anya insisted, amber eyes searching hers with desperate intensity for some sign of acknowledgement. All Lexa could do was hope that her cousin could see the hope and trust she felt reflecting back through her own gaze. "No matter my work after school, no matter what happens with Raven, no matter how close I get with Clarke...you're my little one. I'll be at your games, I'll be there for lunches and dinners, I'll be there to go on walks with you, I'll be there to talk whenever you want...all so long as you want me around."

In truth, she'd been waiting, hoping for those words for months now, and it was hard not to desperately cling to them and trust her cousin to live up to them. Anya had been there, by her side, through everything since her parents passed away; the thought of losing her cousin, her best friend, her mentor, her surrogate parent, would stir a pain deeper and more devouring than any physical injury she'd ever suffered.

Anya had taught her so well, helped her be stronger, helped her remain calm amidst the storms of her life, but it was the friendship, the comfort, and the love Anya offered alongside that fueled that strength and stability. So she had to be sure, Lexa couldn't leave it up to chance.

"And if work pulls you away? You're not going to be the boss, you won't get to set your own rules, Anya. You might not want to get too busy at work, but it might not be in your control." Lexa noted, voicing one of the bevy of fears she held over the life they'd lead once Anya graduated.

Anya crossed the brief distance between them, pressing salty lips to her forehead. "I'm excited to get into marketing, Lexa. I've got options lined up, I've got friends in the right places to make nepotism work in my favour, but if you think I'm going to put my career ambitions ahead of you, then I might actually fight you. I'm not my parents. You come first, little one, you always will."

Those last three words repeated in Lexa's head, drowning out her doubts and fears, pushing her concerns to the periphery of her mind, at least for the moment. It wasn't that she didn't believe Anya, or that her cousin would try to live up to her words, but it was hard to believe in anything lasting forever after all she'd lived through. It was much more important to focus on the present, and enjoy it for what it is, and Anya's words gave enough hope that she'd have her cousin for longer than she'd initially thought.

And, really, that called for a bit of celebration, and a return to the lightheartedness of their trip before this conversation. Still, Anya had been open enough, strong enough to say what needed to be said. Lexa knew she could return the favour with words her cousin had long since earned.

"You know you're kind of the best mom I could ask for, right?" Lexa let out quietly, hoping her words would hit their mark and sound as sincere as they were despite the nerves rushing through her body.

Anya's jaw slipped, alert eyes widening at her word, amber irises melting into the glimmer of tears that covered them as her cousin stared back, unblinking and breathless.

She would have left it there, content to turn the radio on, had she not seen a flicker of doubt smooth across Anya's features. "My mom had me for ten years, she taught me so much, raised me to be a lot of who I am. I loved her so much, and she's so...so much of what I aspire to be, but she's gone. And you came along, and you continued what she started, Anya. You took the torch and ran with it...even if it's not government official, it's real where it counts. I know she would have been happy that I have you, that you raised me well. You're an amazing mom...and you're my favourite cousin, even if I'd prefer you not tell Lincoln that."

Anya's sudden watery laughter filled the car, and Lexa couldn't help but laugh as well, knowing exactly what was in store for her and Lincoln for the rest of the holidays. "You best believe I'm holding that over Lincoln's head when he gets home." Anya spoke through laughter, trying to discreetly wipe away her tears, to restrain the brilliant smile that was blooming larger by the second. "You know, why don't we put on some Taylor Swift, just this once?"

Lexa's jaw dropped, recalling all the times that Anya had refused to play any of her favourite singer-songwriter's music in the car. All the times she'd try to sneak it on, and Anya would pull out the CD and toss it in the backseat without a second thought. Lexa had expected some reaction from her cousin, of course; perhaps a hug, or another forehead kiss, or all the other forms of affection Anya liked to sneak in when she thought she could get away with it. It was easy to forget, sometimes, how often Anya could touch her without even laying a finger on her. "Yeah?"

Anya just shifted the car into drive and checked her mirrors, Lexa thrilled to see her cousin's smile was showing no signs of fading. "Yeah, why not? Though, you'd better hurry before I change my mind and toss on some Marx or Voisine."

Lexa didn't need to be told twice, quickly rummaging around in her bag and pulling out Red, not hesitating for a second before ejecting Anya's mix-CD and slipping some Swift in. She'd heard Anya singing along to 'Right Here Waiting' and 'Kissing Rain' far too many times, after all. With all the relief and joy buzzing through her, she knew it'd be hard to keep from singing along. And maybe, just maybe, she'd sing anyway.

It'd been so long since she'd felt so happy, so free, after all. And when 'State of Grace' started up, and she sang along, and Anya just rolled her eyes and smiled bigger and brighter, well, she knew it'd be a good day. A truly good day.

With Anya at her side for it, that was worth everything.

* * *

As far as Clarke was concerned, every inch of her body felt cold as ice, the wet snow that was still partially matted in her hair not improving her situation in the least. She honestly wanted to blame Octavia for bailing on her, but she'd since come to the conclusion that had her roommate stuck around for Raven's onslaught of machine propelled snowballs, there only would have been two girls frozen and covered in wet snow instead of just her.

Even with the snowball massacre, which was about as fun as being pummeled with a dozen snowballs in quick succession could be, it had been a pretty uplifting night. Clarke hadn't been sure what to expect from spending Christmas with Raven and Octavia, but it'd honestly been pretty much all she'd hoped it would be.

They'd spent much of the day just hanging out and relaxing, mixing in some baking of cookies and homemade candy canes, Christmas movies, and snowman building. Which, with some nudging from Octavia, had turned into defacing Raven's snowman, which had Clarke in her current chilly situation.

"There we go...one space heater for my favourite princess." Octavia offered with a laugh, hauling a seriously big space heater into the middle of the living room. Excited at the possibility of warming up, Clarke grabbed her previously discarded t-shirt and made a second attempt at getting the leftover wetness out of her hair as she settled down in front of it and turned it on. The nearly immediate heat emanating from the machine, plus Raven's sherpa hoodie that she'd been offered after her defeat was secured, ensured she'd be warm soon enough, thankfully.

"Thanks, O. Maybe I'll call off the hit I put out on you for your heinous betrayal." Clarke quipped with a smirk, watching her roommate plop down onto the couch and surround herself in Raven's favourite blanket. It was only a matter of time before Raven would try to confiscate it, but trust Octavia to fight their host for it every time they hung out at their favourite genius' home.

"Does it make any difference that I ordered us Chinese for dinner? From that place we like?" Octavia asked, voice halfway muffled by the blanket the girl was growing more and more cocooned within.

And that really was a fair question, because she really was hungry, and she wasn't in the mood for turkey. "Hmmm...is there any General Tso's chicken in it for me?"

"Of course. As if I could forget how much you like that boring crap, Clarke." Octavia griped, rolling over onto her side on the couch, head resting on the armrest as her roommate resembled a burrito, which only had Clarke's stomach rumbling a bit more than it was before.

"Your _face_ is boring." Clarke shot back, sticking her tongue out at her friend, who had at least one eye peering out from her blanketed cover. "And the chicken's tasty! So what if it's, like, three times my recommended daily sodium intake? I haven't been drinking the tears of my enemies with us on hockey hiatus for the past two weeks, it balances out."

Octavia hummed and stretched out a bit in her blanket cocoon. "Mmm, yeah, Dartmouth's tears _were_ delicious, weren't they?" Her roommate noted contently, settling back into her nook against the armrest. "I can't say how freaking happy I am that we don't play another game until the seventh. Anya and Lexa have to play on New Year's Eve and the third before our back to back against each other on the tenth, and I don't envy them at all for that."

"They'll have more time to prep for us between games, and they'll start the weekend series at home, though. And honestly, Dartmouth and UConn aren't exactly hockey superpowers. We've got to deal with Boston U, and then deal with tackling the Huskies just days later." Clarke countered, grimacing slightly at the reminder that she'd have to brush up on more video of both BU and NU leading up to the seventh, not wanting to be any less than a hundred percent prepared. Especially given the fact that Northeastern was ahead in the standings, and her Eagles were just a little ahead of BU, there really wasn't any margin for error. "We scraped by with a tie last time, which helps, but we need to at least split the series. Our conference is top heavy this year and a slip will put BU ahead of us, and we don't want to be the third seed at the end of the year."

"Yeah, yeah, I know. Let's enjoy our winter break, I guess. God knows Kane will probably torment us enough in practice next week." Octavia groaned, though perked up when Raven emerged from the garage, where she'd been tuning up and drying out her home-made snowball launcher. The shit-eating grin on her face spelled trouble, so Clarke decided to focus on the candy canes the girl was holding.

"I take it you losers are done moping about my overwhelming victory, and that any minor offensives against my snowmen will end in your tears...or, at least with your faces all red and sore from a volley of cold snowballs." Raven asked, clearly still gloating over her shenanigans from earlier. As if her and Octavia's minor desecration of Raven's snowmen was at all worthy of the snowpocalypse brought down on her.

Clarke scoffed and scooted a little closer to the space heater. "I'm glad to know how humble and gracious you are in victory."

"You know it, babe. I don't have room for hubris." Raven added with a teasing wink, before practically hopping onto Octavia and playing drums on her head with some canes. "But I can dole out some sanctions on losing parties that weren't served justice."

"Ever the bastion of fairness, Raven." Clarke mumbled as Raven kept whacking her roommate in the head while O growled and rolled around, trying to avoid the playful strikes. About as effective as a burrito could be at avoiding a hungry mouth, but Clarke could give her credit for trying, at least.

Finally, Octavia managed to get a leg free from her blanket cocoon and kicked Raven back, giving her enough space to unwrap herself with an annoyed huff. "Why you gotta be a jerk for Christmas, Raven?" Octavia grouched, taking a swat at Raven when she leaned back in for another mini-assault, O managing to wrest one of the candy canes from her friend.

"Oh come on, O, you know I'll be a jerk for you every day of the week." Raven teased, stuffing a candy cane into her mouth as she settled in beside their resident bundle of fury and tossed Clarke the last remaining peppermint treat.

Clarke caught it and shook it chidingly at her friend. "Careful. One day, someone's gonna take advantage of your generosity."

"Considering I'm hosting this year's 'Cloctaven Christmas Fun Extravaganza', I'd hope neither of you would get any ideas on that front." Raven shot back with a grin, clearly proud of herself for the absurd name she'd attached to their little Christmas celebration.

"Tch. Keep hitting me with candy and maybe next time we'll go to Clarke's place instead." Octavia retorted, swatting away Raven's renewed attempt at annoying her, though Clarke couldn't help but lose focus for a moment as her mind was sent spinning.

Word by word, day by day, she retraced the last few weeks for any possible mention of her father's condo to Octavia, only feeling settled when she was sure she hadn't brought it up. _For all I know, she's referring back to Virginia...let's just assume that, and calm the fuck down..._

"Awful grouchy when all I want to do is give you some sugar, O." Raven spoke, blowing Octavia a kiss and just barely ducking in time to avoid the pillow flung at her head by the target of her teasing. With Octavia's side of the couch clearly a hostile environment, Raven scooted to the other side and settled against the armrest. "But you know, you do have a point. I'm sure Virginia's got snow right now, but I doubt it's as frigid down there as it is here."

Octavia's face scrunched up in annoyance, one stiff finger pointing in warning at Raven. "First off, fuck you. You can give Clarke some of that sugar... I get plenty as it is, I don't need it. Second..." Octavia started, before shifting her attention to Clarke. "That actually sounds pretty sweet. Bell's gonna be out on the west coast next year with his fiancée so long as she still wants me dead, and I'm not sure that'll settle down as early as next year, so I know my holidays will probably be the same. It'd be cool to visit your old stomping grounds, princess. Plus, Raven found a photo of your mom online and..."

All Clarke needed was to see Raven fidget in embarrassment to know whatever Octavia was going to say would be intensely gross. "I so do not need to hear anything else, O. Seriously." Clarke insisted, eventually earning a reluctant sigh from her roommate, clearly unimpressed at not being able to get a few verbal jabs back at Raven. "And RAVEN. Ew! Don't perv on my mom!"

"You have my word, Clarke. Even if she _is_ a total babe, I'm a one woman lady now. Still, you've got some seriously good genes in you." Raven promised, back to her playful self after her momentary humiliation. "But seriously, we could start a thing? Rotate between homes? It'd at least break from the monotony of Boston."

Octavia nodded along with a candy cane sticking out of her mouth, clearly up for such a plan, and Clarke knew she had an opportunity before her to set things straight. They'd been so lighthearted all day long, and she really didn't want to ruin that, but she didn't want to leave them in the dark for much longer, and she knew they'd press for answers. _They'll find out about me and mom eventually, and even if I don't tell them the 'why' of it then, they'll want to know. They'll both push...I don't want to lose them..._

Mind reluctantly made up, Clarke got up and migrated to the couch, taking the space between both of her friends. And because she was still the tiniest bit chilly, she pulled the quilt on the backrest down and wrapped it around her shoulders. _I'll lay the bait out there, and if they take it, they take it..._

"If we do start a thing, I'm sorry to say we'll be staying in Boston for mine." Clarke offered up, tucking her legs beneath her as she settled in for what could be a rough talk. After how things went with Anya a few days prior, she wasn't feeling the same overwhelming anxiety or fear, but the risks remained the same. That much, she couldn't help but be conscious of.

Octavia shot her a puzzled expression and pulled her candy cane free for the moment. "I know your mom's some hot shot surgeon, but is she really the type who would insist on renting somewhere in the city? Don't tell me she's got some vacation home here."

"Remember when you wanted answers, O?" Clarke asked, deciding to just get to the point and cut out any fumbling lead-in, not really having the right headspace for drawing things out. Especially since she knew she wouldn't have the luxury of time that Anya had afforded her last time, not with both Raven and Octavia present.

A flicker of confusion passed through Octavia's eyes before her face smoothed out in understanding, even if the girl's jaw was set and tense. "Today's that day? You're ready?" Her roommate asked, Clarke allowing herself a glance at a confused Raven before giving Octavia a nod.

"Wait, what's going on?" Raven asked warily, shifting closer to Clarke, probably sensing the growing apprehension that the blonde knew must be coming off of her in waves.

"Octavia's been asking me about my work, and which friend's place I stay at some nights. I asked her to be patient." Clarke answered, earning a quick laugh from Raven, Octavia sticking her tongue out at their friend in return for the clear lack of belief in O's ability to be patient. "I can answer the 'who' and 'where' first, if you want."

Raven's hand found Clarke's shoulder, concerned dark eyes watching her carefully. "Is this going to require some scotch? Because I can get the scotch."

It was a damned nice offer, but Clarke shook her head, knowing it'd be a bad idea. When she drank, she'd get a little over-talkative and over-emotional, and that really wasn't what she needed at the moment. No, she needed control. If things went to hell in a hand-basket, she'd need to be able to drive home."If you and O want some, go for it, but I'll need to stay sober for this one."

"Well, Octavia looks like she's about to burst a blood vessel in her right eye, and a bit of a buzz cuts my snark down when I'm feeling awkward or too emotional, so I think I'll just go get that." Raven said with a bit of a stiff smile, quickly darting off to grab a bottle and two cups from the kitchen behind them.

Raven was definitely still within earshot, so Clarke figured she'd just start, especially with Octavia looking tense enough to implode. "I hope, by the end of this, you'll understand why I didn't tell you earlier, O. You were right a few weeks back, when you called me out for not really being happy this semester. Fact is, I've been dealing with a lot of changes in my life this year, and I needed time to process, and to figure out how to open up."

Octavia nodded along, back to working away at her candy cane just as Raven plopped down beside Clarke, pouring herself a drink before handing O one and setting the bottle on the table.

"My dad used to work a lot in Boston, and one of our family friends, Jason, moved here from back home a few years back, so when I'd come here with my dad, we'd see a lot of each other. His wife's a nurse over at BCH, and they've got a little kid, Ellie, who I'd babysit here and there." Clarke started, drawing another nod from O, though it was clear the girl didn't understand why Clarke was bringing this up. Which, well, fair enough. "Jason, or Nyko as I usually call him, works security. Particularly, the night shift at the building where my dad's condo is. Sometimes, I'd..."

"Wait, your dad's got a condo in the city? Is he here often?" Raven asked, eyes all curious, even if Clarke knew some of that curiosity involved the potential for hangouts somewhere other than her place.

"No..." Octavia interjected before Clarke could answer, voice low with a tremendous amount of confusion packed into such a tiny word. "You told me earlier this semester that your dad passed away." Her roommate continued, delivery slow and cautious, though the suspicion and tension seemed to be fading away. Given the circumstances, it wasn't a bad trade-off.

"He did, almost two years ago. He left me it in his will, it was signed over to me three days before the start of the semester. He knew BC was my first choice." Clarke explained, thankful at the following silence, how quite feeling up to elaborate on his death just yet. "So when I wouldn't come back to the dorm, I'd sleep there, or I'd sleep over at Nyko and Niylah's place if she's just gotten home from a shift. Their couch isn't all that bad."

Clarke registered the dipping of the couch to her right just before Raven practically leaned up against her, taking a quick swig of whiskey. "So not only do you have a secret hidey-hole to escape to, but you have middle-aged friends. Not exactly earth shattering news, Clarke, even if it's a bit unexpected."

"You always seem so tired, though. I don't get it." Octavia added, bringing their discussion around to one of the easier things to discuss, even if Clarke worried about how O might respond. The last thing she wanted was for her roommate to feel guilty or responsible.

"I have a hard time sleeping when I'm alone. At my dad's old place, the memories I had with him there can help sometimes. Nyko and his family are fantastic to me, but Ellie gets up really early, and sleeping on the couch hardly lets me keep her from waking me bright and early, if I managed to sleep well at all. I sleep better knowing people are around, is all." Clarke clarified, mind working at a frenzied pace to think up something to say when a flash of realization and remorse crossed Octavia's face. "This isn't on you. This is my baggage, you didn't know about any of it, so this isn't on you, O."

Octavia scoffed and downed half her glass in one go, grimacing at its harshness before crossing her arms, shoulders slumping slightly. "Fine." The girl grit out, even though Clarke could tell that in O's eyes, it clearly wasn't fine at all. "What about your work?"

Clarke let out a long exhale as she considered how to handle it. Octavia wasn't the pinnacle of patience, and it wasn't like her situation was anywhere near simple. "That...that's something that needs some context, I guess. Might take a while."

"So long as we don't miss that Air Bud Christmas special at ten, I'm good to go." Raved chirped, and okay, maybe it was nice to laugh a little in advance of what she'd have to haul back up to the surface.

"I'm not watching that 'Santa Buddies' shit, but I don't have anywhere to be, Clarke. Just try and stay on point?" Octavia added, which was reasonable enough. Time would tell if the girl's patience would hold up, but it was good that Octavia wasn't just asking her for the Coles Notes version.

She nodded and pulled the blanket a little tighter around her, clinging to whatever shreds of security she could manage as she psyched herself up. One, two, three steadying breaths later, Clarke swallowed her apprehension and started.

"When my dad died, my mom was a wreck. It was clear as day whenever I saw her how guilty she felt about it all, but she didn't get any help for that. She dove into work, I guess to lose herself within her routines and duties, but that...well, it actually just made things worse whenever she'd get back home." Clarke started, recalling the weeks after her dad's death, when her mom would come home late at night all miserable and angry. How she'd startle awake at the sound of glass shattering downstairs, how she'd plod downstairs the next morning to find her mom gone, or slumped down on the couch. "As time passed, everything that reminded her of him...well, they'd get her angrier, more emotional, and she started making pretty big changes."

The gentle pressure of Raven sidling up against her, the girl genius' hand knitting with one of her own, was comforting enough to relieve some of the tension in her increasingly stiff frame. "We talking some flings for Mama Griffin?" Raven asked in a valiant attempt at helping make things a bit more lighthearted, even if all she could do was shake her head.

"If she did, I didn't know about them. But...no. More like, she sold the only home I'd ever known and moved us to another town nearby because it all reminded her too much of dad. Which pulled me out of my public school, and away from all my friends, and put me into some snobby private school that didn't even have an arts program, where I didn't know anyone. She threw my dad's guitar and all his sheet music into a storage unit. And the last of the big things was she pulled me out of hockey and sold my equipment. It all reminded her of Jake, and so in her eyes, it all had to go. And because she loved me, and couldn't get rid of me, but knew I'd have to leave for school, she...felt she had to change me, I guess." Clarke explained, pushing back all the fury she'd felt back then, all the heartbreak she felt now, and just focused on getting the details out there. She could heal soon enough, when the dust was settled.

"My mom's friend Callie kept pushing for her to get therapy, to go through some grief counseling, because it just wasn't healthy, how she was handling it all, and I'll admit...as a spoiled white girl who was used to getting her way, my life felt like it was falling apart. I'd lost my dad, I'd basically lost my mom, I was far away from enough of my friends for most to lose touch, and I was losing sight of my biggest goal in life...to play in the Olympics for our country. Dad and I had worked so hard to get me on the right track, and it felt wrong to give up on that, not when we both had wanted it so bad, not when it was one of the last ways that I could feel close to him." Clarke continued picking at her blanket covering a bit as she blinked back her tears at a memory she once felt fondness for. "Wells, my best friend at the time, he helped me find things of mine that I could sell so that I could buy my equipment back, and pay for membership so I could keep playing. I'd never really had an allowance, I'd just make a case for what I wanted, and my parents would get me it if I convinced them, so I didn't exactly have savings, but we made it work. I ran some guitar lessons on the side for some extra coin. My mom wasn't around enough to notice I still played either hockey or music, fortunately."

Octavia coughing after another drink of scotch drew her attention, ad her roommate didn't squander the opportunity to interject. "But you came to BC on an athletic scholarship, so she had to find out eventually, right? Like, she's a surgeon...even if she was an absentee parent, she's not an idiot."

Clarke nodded, her heart sinking in her chest at the memory of the morning her mother found out. The morning that everything had changed, really, and set her out on her current path. "Of course she found out."

"I take it she flipped out on you?" Raven asked, which only had Clarke wishing her mom would have just been angry. She could have taken all the shouting and yelling in the world, but her mom was more surgical in her methods.

"She was patient. She waited, and planned, and went behind my back to stop me. I guess she figured if selling my stuff wouldn't stop me, she had to flex a little more muscle where it mattered." Clarke continued, staring down the half-empty bottle of scotch, feeling a pull to at least handle this all without being stone cold sober. "I'd been graduated from high school for a few days before she broke the news that I'd be interning at a local hospital instead of attending BC this year."

A quarter-full glass of scotch entered her field of vision, Raven nudging at her shoulder for her to indulge herself. "I think you're gonna need this after all." The girl stated, and while it really wasn't true, while she really could grit through it all without the edge being taken off by a tiny buzz, suddenly sobriety seemed like more of a luxury than anything.

_If I have to, I could call Nyko to pick me up. Things over there will have died down by now, I'm sure he wouldn't hate me for asking..._ Clarke mused before taking hold of the glass and downing the rest in one go.

It stung, teeth gritting together as she shook off the biting sensation from the scotch. "Growing up, my mom and dad set up a trust, of sorts, to help pay for my undergrad. My dad knew I wanted to go to BC for hockey, and my mom knew I wanted to go there because it'd be great for pre-med. It was a win-win, but when he died, my mom got control of it. And she shut me out." Clarke explained, wishing she felt comforted by the squeeze of her hand; some memories were too bitter to soothe, and she had to focus on explaining her situation in a way that her friends could understand. "She said that she never wanted me playing hockey ever again, and that she'd only give me funding if I went to a school without a hockey program. She said it was for my own good, that she knew what was best for me, and fully committing to being a doctor was that. Growing up, she'd always been controlling, always making the rules and doling out the punishments, but she couldn't just...decide who I was. Who I was going to be."

The room hung in silence for a few long moments as Clarke wondered exactly where to go from there, knowing a lot of issues sprung from her mom's decisions. She hoped Octavia, who had grown up sheltered and under her own mom's iron fist, would empathize with wanting the autonomy to find herself instead of being held back. She hoped Raven, whose mom worked tirelessly to give Raven the freedom to get the schooling she wanted, would recognize herself in Clarke's desire for freedom. Octavia's voice, all perplexed with syllables slipping out hesitantly, drew her back from her thoughts. "But...shit, Clarke, how are you even here? It's over sixty thousand a year to be here. Athletic scholarships only give, like, twenty."

Clarke nodded along to that, deciding the topic of financial support was about as good a topic to start with as any. "Yeah, without my mom's support, without the trust, I didn't have much hope of raising enough to cover my costs here. When my mom's making half a mil a year as a chief orthopaedic surgeon, and has the money from my dad's life insurance and the trust... it didn't even matter that my dad's condo wasn't a possession of mine at the time, I wasn't eligible for any financial assistance according to FAFSA, anyway. I did well enough in school, and was aggressive enough in seeking out bursaries and other scholarships, but I was still a little over twenty-seven short even if I threw all my savings from guitar lessons at it."

Raven tugged at her hand a little, pulling her attention to the right, where her friend was watching with inquisitive eyes. "What about taking a year off? I know it's not always ideal, but people make it work."

"Taking a year off to save money would hurt my chances at making Team USA, because with the Olympics basically a year away right now, I'd miss my shot at making the team this time around, and I'd have to wait until my undergrad was finished to try again. And it'd still leave me struggling with raising enough money to cover expenses year on year, because eventually the cost of school would catch up to my earnings. Not to mention, it'd cut out any chance of me getting internships that weren't very well paid, because going to school full time, working full time, and playing hockey with a hefty part-time schedule? Not sure how I'd handle that. I needed to get in this year, and I needed a way to afford it and let me focus on improving my play enough to make the selection camp." She continued, hoping her rationale was making sense to her teammates, knowing that her approach wasn't necessarily ideal for all, despite it being the best option she could think of for her specific situation.

"I petitioned BC for some loans to cover some of the rest, as a last ditch effort, but they shut me down on that front because I have next to no credit history and because my mom's rich. Not even Coach Kane could convince them. It was a little too late to get a good summer job, and nothing really paid well enough to make up that kind of difference. Even with monthly payment deferrals, I'd still need to pull full time hours all through school at a pay rate I wasn't qualified to earn. I had to choose...give up on my father, my passion, and my dream I'd been working at since I was a little kid, or do what I had to in order to get my shot." She explained, catching Raven shifting beside her, staring off across the room blankly, seemingly lost in thought as the blonde laid out her financial situation.

"Oh." Raven let out softly, slumping back a little beside Clarke. It wasn't much of a surprise; Raven was too smart to not figure it out.

Octavia, it seemed, needed a little help, leaning forward with intensity shining in her eyes, all taut and tense. "What 'oh'? What does that mean? What do you mean, Clarke?" Octavia pushed, sounding increasingly agitated, never having enjoyed being caught out of the loop. And by how hard O was gripped the couch cushions when Raven ran a hand down her face, still lost in thought, Clarke knew she'd have to calm her roommate down herself.

"I sold everything I could afford to sell. Everything. And then I got a hold of a girl I graduated with, who I'd heard some things about. She helped me with some basics, and soon enough, I was escorting." Clarke laid it out there, keeping her careful gaze on Octavia as her roommate's expression went blank. "Living so close to Washington let me take advantage of the amount of wealthy politicians, government workers, and businessmen with money to toss around. Given a lot stay in hotels already, or in short term rentals, it made things...more accessible. Being young, blonde, white...it opened doors and..."

"Oh, fuck off, Clarke!" Octavia shot up from the couch, hand running through her hair as she marched over to Raven's computer desk and grabbed her stress ball, proceeding to squeeze the hell out of it and toss a heated glare Clarke's way. "Are you kidding me? A hooker?! You're fucking sleazeballs for cash?"

"O..." Clarke started, trying to push past the whorephobic slur and the renewed stifling brain freeze of anxiety to work together an explanation that could hopefully calm her friend, but Raven's low growl beat her to the punch. Which, well, might have been for the best with how her lungs were starting to burn and air was getting harder to come by.

"You need to calm your shit and get back over here." Raven bit out slowly in a deadly rumble that maybe would have scared her if she wasn't such good friends with the girl.

The stress ball flew fast and hard through the air, just missing Raven's head ad bouncing off the couch's backrest. "Don't tell me you're alright with this, Raven! Clarke, do you know how fucking illegal that is? How fast you'd get kicked off the team if the school found out?!"

"And she's not telling the school, or the police. She's telling _us_ , Octavia. I love you, but you need to get your ass over here, okay?" Raven shot back as she reached out an arm and beckoned their pacing, incensed friend closer.

Clarke waited, heart thumping away beneath her ribcage as Octavia and Raven had some sort of glaring contest, Raven seated on the couch all coiled up and coolly scowling, while Octavia was that familiar bundle of fury, still pacing a few feet away and seeming as if she could explode at any moment.

It was the slight shake of Octavia's head as dark eyes flickered her way, the soft frown breaking the girl's hard mask, and O letting out a hard exhale from her nose, that relieved the mounting tension in the room. "Shit." The girl muttered, tromping over to the couch and plopping down beside her.

"Thanks, Octavia." Raven noted with audible relief, earning a renewed scowl from Octavia.

"I didn't do it for you." Her roommate sniped back before punching Clarke hard in the shoulder. "What the fuck were you thinking? You _know_ how dangerous it is out there alone!" Octavia blurted out, hitting her shoulder again as those dark eyes got a little glassier. "All those times you left, any of those creeps could have...fuck!" Octavia continued with another punch, weaker this time as her body sagged, all that anger burning away to reveal the worry that had apparently fueled it. "This fucking sucks, Clarke."

"I know." She offered in return, pulling Octavia closer and into a hug that might not have been eagerly returned, but was returned nonetheless. "But I'm safe. The fact that there's security at my building keeps people in line, and I put a lot of work into screening clients. I don't really do outcalls, so only the people I want to see get to come up to visit me, since the elevator's under lock and key. I'm lucky to have the protections I do, it helps make it just another job. I don't have to like it, it's not nice or easy, but it just has to pay the bills."

As she spoke, she could feel Octavia's frame slacken, if just a little bit. Still, it was enough, especially when Raven reached across and tugged all three of them together. "You know this means we'll be hanging out at this place of yours. 'Bout time somewhere other than my place gets used for hangouts, and I bet your bed's nice and big."

"I know, Raven. And yeah, my bed can fit at least three." Clarke noted happily, allowing herself a smile with the knowledge that even if her friends could be pests sometimes, she'd welcome them with open arms to her place.

"God, I miss beds I can stretch out in. Better believe I'll see about crashing at your place sometimes." Octavia added before edging out of the group hug a bit. "But I guess that brings us back to what we were talking about earlier. Again, your mom's not stupid...she had to wonder how you could afford school. And, I mean, sorry about being blunt and shit, but you didn't go home for the holidays at all."

Clarke couldn't help but sigh at the reminder, forcing a smile O's way when she spotted the regret in her friend's eyes. It wasn't Octavia's fault that her family life was toxic. "My best friend Wells...he let slip to my mom about what I was doing. Thought he was protecting me, that escorting was too far, and if my mom knew, she could fix things. Instead, she told me I had to leave, and...well, I didn't take that so well, and I lost my best friend over it. He accepted admission to University of Denver at the last minute instead of BU, Nyko let me into my dad's old condo early, and I set up shop here in Boston, starting over fresh."

'Fresh' being a nice way of describing a teenage girl alone in a new city, new school, without any real friends or family to speak of outside of a security guard and his, working a job that had been more than a little scary at the time.

A candy cane tapping against her cheek, which Raven must have pulled out from who knows where, drew Clarke's attention back to the friend more or less holding her from behind. "Well, for what it's worth, you've done pretty well for yourself here, in terms of friends. Gotta say, you know how to pick them, Octavia aside."

A pillow flew past both her and Raven, whizzing past their heads and tumbling closer to the foyer. "Fuck off, Raven. At least when I hang with her, I'm not babbling non-stop about how mesmeric Anya is."

"Don't strain yourself on those fancy words, O, though seriously...as if you have room to talk when you're fawning over Lincoln all day, every day like a cat in heat. I wasn't gonna mention it because that family has put us all under some weird attraction hex or something, but since you brought it up..." Raven started, clearly happy to take the opportunity to tease Octavia, as well as use Clarke as a personal shield against the increasingly aggravated brunette.

"Don't start with that shit, I was there first! You couldn't even manage to ask her out until, like..."

"This isn't kindergarten, O, but if you want to go out for a recess, I'm sure my snowball launcher's just ready to dole out more justice, so why don't..."

Clarke rolled her eyes at her friends' shenanigans as she filtered their banter out, knowing any hostility or aggression was all just for show, to get a rise out of each other. Besides, Raven's words were still bouncing around in her head, and she couldn't help but grin at her luck, thinking they were true. She really had assembled a good group of friends since she came to Boston, and that was something to take some pride in. It was certainly more than she had expected, going in with no friends or family to start with.

As bad of a year as it had been, Clarke couldn't help but feel good abot her momentum leading into the new year. She had a good feeling that there were pleasant surprises in store for her, in the near future, for the first time in a long time. And that, along with a great stable of friends, that was worth smiling about.

Well, that and the knock at the door, signaling their Chinese food had arrived.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this took forever and a day. I went through a lot of rewrites, trying to make sure the chapter flowed well, and I'm not sure I'm 100% satisfied. I think it's the heaviness...two straight heavier sections add a lot of weight to an already long chapter, word-wise. I hope it's fine for you all, I decided to go with what I have no and move on.  
> Anywho, thanks so much for reading! I hope you've had fantastic weekends :D


	12. Chapter 12

Clarke couldn't help but feel a little nervous as she finished preparations for her final booking of the night. Ever since she'd been called up earlier that morning to go over the details, it'd been a little nerve-wracking, it counting for two personal 'firsts' during her brief career so far as an escort. She'd never had a client book an all-nighter before; girlfriend experiences, sure, but never any that bought up such large chunks of time. It was both exciting, and a little scary, but she'd been prepping most of the day for it, and was looking forward to the second half of the payment, since she'd asked for fifty percent up front, reserving such a large chunk of time and all. It hadn't taken long for Clarke to understand that a lot of potential clients were flakes, and wasting time to flakes meant losing earning opportunities.

The second new aspect to it, the one that had Clarke more nervous, was that the client was a woman. She'd never had a woman client before, and she only had stories to go by; as with any customer service stories, the negative ones tended to outnumber the positives, and it had her hopeful that her client wouldn't try to push her boundaries, thinking just because she was a woman, it was any different than with the men who hired her.

Still, it was exciting, and she felt pretty safe in her apartment and with Nyko downstairs. So as Clarke lit the final candle, she closed her eyes and breathed out, imagining all her concerns leaving her body, letting her focus on the here and now. It was eight fifty-six, and Megan Wolters, her client, would be here soon, and Clarke could only hope she'd manage the emotional labour as well as she imagined she would.

Clarke checked herself in her mirror and grinned, feeling she'd kind of knocked the aesthetic portion out of the park. Megan had asked that she dress for a nice date night indoors, and so she'd cobbled together this nice little off-shoulder sweater dress outfit that was cute at first glance, but showed off more thigh than was probably otherwise appropriate, and the dress was stretchy enough for her to push down to either remove it or give easier access. Add some nice accessories and a pair of heels that made her entire lower half look fantastic, and she was golden.

A knock at the door had Clarke feeling fortunate she'd just given herself a confidence boost, quickly checking her hair one last time before striding over to the door and pulling it open.

Only to find herself immediately lightheaded and panic-stricken at the sight of Lexa Pocosin at her door instead of Megan.

_Shit shit shit shit! What the fuck is Lexa doing here?! God fucking damn it this can't be happening_! She raged internally, unsure how at all to handle this when her brain was caught between deciding to vomit or faint. She'd looked Megan up, she'd seen her pictures on Facebook, and a cursory glance down the hall either way revealed the area to be Megan-less. Except, there was no way Lexa could just wander up to her floor, not with the elevator under lock and key, and needing Nyko's aid to be let up.

"Clarke? What are you...do I have the wrong..." Lexa stammered out, leaving sentences incomplete as the answers likely became perfectly clear. That Clarke was there because it was her place, that Lexa definitely had the right room number, by how green eyes darted to the golden numbers over the peephole on her door before not so subtly glancing down her body.

Suddenly, Clarke was very happy she'd demanded the first half of the booking cost as a deposit, because it was looking more and more sketchy as seconds passed. And honestly, if she could get out of this without suffering a major life disaster, she'd probably consider herself lucky.

"I'm waiting for a Megan right now, Lexa. What brought you by this neck of the woods?" Clarke stated with more than a little caution, hoping that the hammering heart in her chest wasn't audible, because it honestly felt like it was going to burst out of her chest. There was no reason for Lexa to be up there, unless the booking had been a hoax. Of all the apartment buildings for the brunette to wander into and inexplicably access, there wasn't any room for coincidence.

Lexa's eyes widened as she'd spoken the name. "I was told to give the name 'Megan' in the foyer. How do you two know each other?" Lexa asked politely, if a little too quickly for them to be entirely sincere. She could see the panic and confusion seeping through the brunette's features as Lexa swiftly skimmed a glance over her body again, a clear enough sign that it wouldn't be long until something bad happened.

On one hand, she could try and cover it up, but Lexa had seen enough to eventually come to the proper conclusion on her own later on. Or, she could come clean and hope for the best, hope that the supportive part of Anya ran in Lexa's blood as well. Especially if some of her preliminary suspicions about this clusterfuck could potentially involve Anya, anyways, even if that was a minor possibility, however terrifying. After all, Octavia would never involve herself in something like this, and Raven had told her enough tales of her sexuality being joked about, or used as a prank, for her to be involved. That left Anya, who Clarke adored, but who also hadn't fully be told about her work, and who loved pranking Lexa, and seemed to want the two of them together. If she was a betting woman, she wouldn't bet on Anya being involved, but there was still a chance, if tiny.

With that all in mind, Clarke couldn't help but feel she'd be better served by being up front, running damage control if necessary along the way. At least she could control part of the narrative that way.

"I've never met Megan, I've only spoken to her over the phone. She was supposed to come over here tonight." Clarke laid out simply, trepidation shaking her from head to toe as Lexa just stood there increasingly wide-eyed and put the pieces together. Those big, beautiful green eyes then slowly took in Clarke's appearance from head to toe, Lexa's face going red as a tomato in the process.

"On a date?" Lexa asked, though with how flat the words came out, and the lack of conviction in their delivery, Clarke knew Lexa certainly didn't expect she was waiting for a date.

"No, Lexa. It seems like 'Megan' wanted you to be here instead of her, though." Clarke continued, putting words to their current predicament so that there wouldn't be any misconceptions about what happened. Lexa always did seem to appreciate clarity, Clarke hoped that would hold true as they stood there at her doorway.

"I...think there's been some mistake. I apologize." Lexa noted stiffly, head on a swivel as if gauging nearby exits, looking amazingly uncomfortable, even if she really was as spellbinding as ever, all bundled up and cute.

_Goddamnit I can't think about that right now...focus, focus!_

"It's not your fault, Lexa. It's Megan's...or whoever it is that...that staged this." Clarke insisted, not wanting Lexa to feel bad about what was happening. Clearly, the girl was in shock and had walked into a situation expecting something very different than encountering an escort. Her mind quickly worked over the possible culprits, and settled on the obvious, given that Anya wasn't present. "Your team sent you here, didn't they?"

Lexa gave a small nod, eyes focused on the trim along her door. "Echo and Caris convinced Anya to stay home while they took me out tonight. They told me to meet them at their friend's apartment."

Clarke let out a sigh, lamenting that of all the sex workers in the city, she had to be fucked over by two of Lexa's teammates, and wouldn't even godddamn get paid fair compensation for whatever shit she'd likely get dragged into. At least the odds Anya was involved dropped considerably. "Well, for what it's worth, I guess I've got the rest of my night free. You're already here, so why don't you at least come in for a drink? Please?" She nearly pleaded, desperately wanting to gain some semblance of control over the situation. If Lexa walked away right now, she'd have no way to keep word from getting around, or to contain whatever issues the brunette might cause, but if Lexa came in, maybe she could work out an understanding with the girl.

Lexa's eyes went wide as saucers, and Clarke watched the girl gulp about three times before there was any semblance of a response to go by. "Are you...are you propositioning me, Clarke?"

The look of absolute shock on Lexa's face, combined with the un-ironic use of ' _proposition_ ' was too funny not to laugh at, thankfully. Even though Lexa looked no less confused or stunned at her laughter. "I didn't consent to seeing you like that tonight, Lexa. I consented to Megan, who is obviously not coming. I'm just asking if you'd like to step in for a drink, nothing more."

"It's just that...you seem to do it for a living, Clarke. Can you blame me for taking your flirting as you putting the moves on a customer?" Lexa asked, and had she not just recently gained the unyielding support of Anya, Raven, and Octavia, perhaps those words could have done more than sting.

"'Putting the moves'? _What_? I wasn't _flirting_ with you, Lexa. When I do, you'll _know_ it. And are you trying to say I'll, what...open my door to just about anyone and, so long as I have the spare time and they have money, I'll _fuck_ them?" She asked, hands finding her hips as she stood in defiance of the green-eyed girl before her, trying to be patient, while hoping some bluntness would help clear things up. Clarke kept reminding herself that Octavia's reaction wasn't any better, and she turned out to be sort of good enough with her, at least in terms of keeping things secret, so patience was key. She knew she could be patient; she had been with Lexa for weeks, now.

"Isn't that what prostitutes do? It's not exactly rocket science, and with a place like this, I can't imagine you discriminate... you take people's money, and they fuck you." Lexa shot back, that familiar intensity burning in her eyes as she took a half step closer, chin lifting slightly in challenge, as if there even was one.

Clarke just laughed in disbelief and stepped out into the hallway, deep into Lexa's personal space. "Oh fuck off, Lexa, you're better than that. And the term is _'sex worker_ '. _'Full service'_ to be specific. Escort if you want be fancy and less thorough, and _no_." Clarke let out smoothly, taking another step forward, which apparently had Lexa on her heels enough to take one backwards in kind. "I put out listings, and people contact _me_ , Lexa. I do background and reference checks, which I'm fortunate enough to have available to me. If they pass muster, we discuss terms, services, my boundaries, and the price."

Clarke took another step forward, Lexa matching once again in retreat, green eyes still holding her gaze. "And then, Lexa... _if_ I consent...I'll let them, and _only them_ , fulfill that booking. I'm _all_ business with my clients, and it's a lot more involved than me just taking their money and _getting fucked_." She continued, moving forward just enough to have Lexa stepping backward and impacting against the wall behind her.

"You came here by accident, Lexa. You didn't call me, I didn't check you out. We didn't discuss terms, services, boundaries or a price. You may be beautiful, Lexa, but don't think for one second that you're above the measures I take to do my work safely. Don't think that just because I screw people for money that I'll want to screw you, or anyone else, if you have the coin. At work, with my clients, I rule with my head. It's not personal." Clarke clarified, trying to push the point home, hoping that Lexa wasn't just hearing her, but that she was listening. "I'm not working right now, though. You're not a client, Lexa. I'm just asking if you'd like to come in for a drink, as a _friend_ , since I'm free for the rest of the evening. Are you done being an asshole?"

Clarke wasn't sure her words had gotten through to Lexa as seconds ticked by, but eventually, the brunette offered the tiniest of nods, Clarke stepping away to let Lexa into her humble abode. It definitely wasn't an ideal situation, and she wasn't very happy with Lexa at the moment, but at least her situation was contained for the moment. At least she could figure out how to handle it, though the first thing on the agenda was getting Lexa, who looked both deep in thought and on the verge of a stress-induced heart-attack, to relax.

And by what she'd learned about the girl over the past months, she knew it was probably best to be direct and patient. Clarke shut the door behind them and stepped up to Lexa's side, resting a hand lightly on the girl's shoulder, the brunette startling ever so slightly at the touch.

"Lexa, you don't have to be nervous. I'm not Griffin, number nineteen on the Boston College Eagles. I'm not on the clock, either. You're just a guest in my home, right now. I'm just _Clarke_ , tonight." She spoke, using her best soothing tone, keeping only a light hold on the brunette's shoulder. She wanted Lexa in the present with her, not thinking of their past, their silly one-sided rivalry, or life outside of them.

Lexa's head turned enough for those piercing green eyes to gauge her sincerity, and Clarke felt that intensity as if it was burrowing into her, but after a few long seconds, Lexa's body relaxed, even if it was still more tense than usual. "And if I left right now?"

Clarke pushed aside her worries of what could happen under that scenario, and just focused on settling Lexa down. "My nine to seven timeslot's free now, so you could leave, if you like. You could walk out, and come back later, if you felt like it...I'll be home, and having some company would be nice, but don't feel obligated. Or you could stay, have a drink, and we could go from there."

"If..." Lexa began, only to clamp her mouth shut as a pink tint glowed on her cheeks. "If I stay...and have a drink...what then?"

"Well, like I said, my schedule suddenly cleared up, so really, I'd put that ball in your court. I'm kind of stuck here, so if you're willing to keep me company, it's the least I could do." Clarke explained and, taking Lexa's questioning glance as a sign that the brunette would at least be staying long enough for a drink, walked off towards her kitchen. "When I work here late, I let Nyko, the security guy downstairs, know I'll be staying the night. I don't want to worry him, he's a sweet guy, and he's very supportive of my sexual liberation as a freshman, so long as I practice safe sex." She noted with a laugh, hoping to smooth out the tense mood that had built up so far.

"And you don't want to involve him." Lexa added hesitantly, footsteps behind her signaling the brunette had moved over to the island in the middle of the kitchen.

Clarke pulled a bottle of wine from the cooler, grabbed the bottle opener, and turned around. "He's a family friend, of course I'll want to protect him. He just thinks I have a lot of sex, and sometimes have friends over. Better I let him express his sex-positivity than...well, risk something bad happening."

She pushed aside memories from the summer and just focused back on the present, on opening the bottle, on pouring herself and Lexa glasses of wine, hoping Lexa would take that tidbit of information and get swayed closer to secrecy by the trust she was displaying in her.

"Do you usually pour your...clients...wine, Clarke?" Lexa asked, shoulders all pulled in, head slightly ducked, cheeks glowing red.

_If she wasn't still under the illusion that I was servicing her, I probably would have flirted a bit...Probably lost my chance with her, so best put those thoughts to rest._ She mused as she carried the pair of glasses to the island and stood across from where Lexa was seated.

"It's just one glass, and you're basically a friend of mine. I trust you, Lexa." Clarke stated clearly, hoping that the brunette would listen to her words instead of getting lost staring at her lips, Lexa apparently not feeling up for eye contact at the moment. "And you're not a client. Again, I have to screen a client before I give them the all-clear, Lexa. You haven't contacted me for a booking, I haven't screened you, and I haven't agreed to terms and boundaries with you. This isn't work...we're just two pretty girls sharing a drink at the end of a day."

Clarke chastised herself internally for letting that bit slip there at the end, but the brief and surprising flash of a smile on Lexa's lips was more than worth it. "In your secret lair of all places."

A laugh escaped her at the assertion, and she couldn't help but be happy that the girl seemed to be taking things in stride, to some extent. "You make me sound like a villain from a movie. It's my dad's old place, really."

"Ah." Lexa let out, nodding as she took a sip of her wine. "Well, then, it's good to end my birthday in your fortress of solitude."

Clarke's eyebrows rose at the change in address. "Hey, you know, I could really get used to you being a geek if you put me in the esteemed company of superheroes." She said, mentally taking note of what she had in the apartment as an idea struck her. "And wait here...I think I've got something."

She raced back to the fridge and pushed the orange juice and milk out of the way, revealing her prize. Grinning at her luck, Clarke pulled the box from the fridge and shut the door, returning the spoils of her search to the island. "It's not much, but...happy birthday, Lexa."

It lacked a candle, and she'd only bought it in case she needed some quick energy the next morning, but she knew the bakery she'd purchased the cupcake from made damn fine ones, and it was a better gift than nothing at all.

Lexa's hands approached the box cautiously, fingers tapping absently at the edge of the lid before pulling it open. Clarke watched those forest green eyes widen, the subtle lines at their edges crinkling in what Clarke liked to believe was happiness.

"I...Anya and Lincoln gave me a cake earlier tonight, but...well, there's not a day in my life where I'll turn down red velvet. Thank you, Clarke." Lexa offered with a gracious smile before picking the cupcake up and taking a small bite, eyes fluttering closed contentedly.

Clarke just smiled as Lexa slowly devoured the gift, the brunette ultimately sporting a pout and sad eyes when all that was left was the paper wrapping. "Hey, why don't we take this to the living room, and you can tell me about your day?"

A wry smile stretched across Lexa's lips, but the girl shrugged, finished the last of her wine, and stood up off the stool. "I expect you'll find it boring, but suit yourself, Clarke."

Being more than a foot away from the brunette, Clarke was blessed with a better look at Lexa than she had at the doorway, but she could hardly focus on how amazing the girl looked in her blouse and jeans when she was limping slightly. Alarmed, Clarke rushed over to the couch and ensured there was ample room, holding up a hand when Lexa went to sit.

"Oh no you don't, you're sitting up against the armrest." Clarke asserted, only to earn a cocked eyebrow from her suddenly unimpressed companion. "You hurt your leg. I'll massage it, I do it with Anya all the time." She added, hoping that couching her demand with the fact that she helped Anya in the past would satisfy Lexa enough to concede.

Thankfully, Lexa just sighed and sat up against the array of throw pillows, letting Clarke slide wounded legs onto her lap. "Every birthday, I'm allowed three demands from Anya and Lincoln. One for each of them, and another I can ask of either one. My second demand was that Anya take me skating early this afternoon. Lincoln doesn't skate, so I knew I'd have to ask Anya...she took me to a frozen pond on the outskirts of the city, and we skated again like when we were younger. She tired me out, and my calves are overworked and sore, but it was good to be out there like that again, racing after each other, doing tricks...I'm not hurt, just sore." Lexa explained with a wistful little smile, a far-off gaze in her eyes as she clearly was recalling the day's events.

It was wonderful seeing Lexa so relaxed and happy, and Clarke couldn't help but smile along as she worked her hands on Lexa's legs, drawing a slight gasp from the other girl, before Lexa started in on her day. On how she'd asked Anya to make her breakfast, which the older blonde was apparently famous for, and how she'd asked Lincoln to let Anya teach him how to make dinner with the new cooking supplies her cousin and Octavia had gifted him for Christmas. Which, well, Lincoln begrudgingly followed through with, eventually admitting that he had needed some help in learning.

Lexa had been wrong, not that she would have said as much out loud. Clarke knew it was a little weird, but she loved hearing about Lexa's domestic and simple adventures with her family. After spending her first holiday season without her own family, it was refreshing and invigorating to hear about someone whose family still had their shit together.

Still, eventually, Lexa ran out of stories to tell, and suddenly Clarke was left having to find things to talk about. Which wouldn't have been a problem, but she was used to massaging while being silent, and multitasking would occasionally have her hands stilling in place.

"...and so, Raven came running around the house with her snowball launcher, and both O and I were clearly outgunned, but I thought I could trust my roommate to stick it out with me. But then Octavia just shoved me out of cover and ran for it! Raven didn't care, of course, she just wanted at least one of us to pay for desecrating her snowman." Clarke spoke, passionately recalling how her and Octavia's prank on Raven went sideways on Christmas, and how she'd paid the price while Octavia had escaped to live another day.

"That's horrible, Clarke, and I will help you enact revenge if you just get back to working out that knot." Lexa added a little hastily, sounding a bit unsteady before Clarke put her hands back to work again, drawing a very content hum from the brunette. "God, Clarke, how are you so good at this?"

The near breathless, largely frustrated collection of words puzzled her, to say the least. Sure, Clarke knew her hands were skilled, she'd spent a lot of her high school years interning at a sports medicine clinic that saw a lot of college football recruits passing through, and she'd learned a lot from a therapist who was her supervisor. Still, she was so used to Anya, Raven and Octavia's general silence on her skillset that the question caught her off guard.

"Um, I learned from pros back during my internships in high school. It's helped me whenever I hurt myself, or when I'm too sore after practices to do much of anything. I know enough to get by." Clarke answered, hands working away at a particularly tight area on the brunette's thigh that, if not for how thin the denim painted onto Lexa's skin was, she probably wouldn't have been able to knead unless the girl had stripped. "Is that better?"

" _Fuck me_ , that's good..." Lexa breathed out, eyes clenched shit and body arching slightly from her touch, and maybe, just maybe, Clarke's teeth bit into her bottom lip hard enough to draw blood.

_God, why does she have to sound so sexy a hundred percent of the time? I'm pretty sure if she fell into a ball pit, she could make it sound..._

Lexa practically leaping off the couch and away from her, all red-faced and panic stricken, broke Clarke away from her thoughts enough to recognize that something was wrong. What, she couldn't quite put together, but Lexa rushing off towards the door and slipping on her coat was alarming enough for the blonde to follow.

"Hey, is everything okay? Did I do something wrong?" She asked in a tone that was hopefully taken as more calm and collected than she thought she sounded.

Lexa's big, green doe eyes met her own, holding her gaze for a long second or two before the brunette slipped out of the condo and into the hallway, leaving Clarke alone with only Lexa's boots to keep her company. It was a detail that was reassuring enough in that it told her the brunette would return, but the fact that Lexa escaped in a hurry had Clarke freaking out more than a teensy tiny bit. In a world where panicked, scared people tended to have loose lips, maybe Clarke was a little concerned that she no longer had the situation contained. Losing Lexa's company, which she'd honestly been immensely enjoying, was probably the straw that broke the camel's back.

Maybe she ran to her bathroom and dialled Anya on her phone in her own little moment of panic, needing to hear her friend's voice, needing Anya's support, and deciding it was a good enough time to get some answers and clear some air that definitely needed clearing since her breakdown at Anya's dorm a while back.

It took two rings for the other end to pick up. "Clarke, it's a little late. What's up?" The woman asked, a tinge of worry in her voice, not nearly enough to give any sort of answer to the need for confirmation that had been burning in the back of her mind since Lexa appeared at her door.

"Tell me you didn't send Lexa to me, Anya." She blurted out, feeling a little bad for not distancing herself from the situation enough to first ask if her friend knew about her teammate's plans for Lexa, or to even just manage to be nicer about it all. She just needed to Anya to confirm that she hadn't done this.

"Lexa...? Clarke, what's going on, did something happen to Lexa? Or you? Do you need me to come get you?" Anya asked, words spilling out faster and sharper as seconds passed and her friend seemed to process her initial question. It didn't matter, though, because while Anya was confused, Clarke wasn't sure about what yet, and she just needed to be certain. She needed to hear from Anya's mouth that her newest friend hadn't stabbed her in the back in some ploy to get her and Lexa together. A crack theory it may have been, but she just needed to rule it out, because she really needed her friend right now, she needed to know Anya was still entirely safe.

"Tell me you weren't in on the booking, Anya. Please tell me you didn't send Lexa to me, please." She pleaded, throwing out any semblance of defiance at the moment, just needing her friend to clear her name and help her. With a stray word, Lexa could ruin her, and as much as she really, sincerely liked Anya's cousin, that level of trust was not there yet, especially not after how Lexa had reacted earlier. "Please, Anya."

"What are you talking about? Booking? Clarke, is Lexa hurt?! Are you?!" Anya spilled out, more frantic in her tone by the second, and Clarke would have interjected had the woman not basically been talking too loudly to hear her.

"I know you _know_ , Anya, so...just don't! Lexa got sent to me as a fucking prank in an overnight booking and I really need you to tell me you didn't know!" She yelled as tears spilled out down her cheeks, head lightly impacting against the door as she leaned on it for support, trying to catch her breath, hand clutching the doorknob in an attempt to stay upright. "Just...please just tell me you didn't know..." She added, her panic stripping away much of the volume of her words as they fell weakly from her lips, desperate for just one safe harbor with everything that had happened that night.

Clarke could hear Anya's breathing on the other end, could hear the woman working to control her emotions, quietly counting down from five a few times in quick succession. Whether her friend was vocalizing it to help her, or just accidentally letting it slip was beyond Clarke, but it did help the blonde catch her breath and calm down a little, and it apparently sapped away a good chunk of Anya's uncontained fear.

"Clarke, I was under the impression that Echo was taking Lexa bar hopping tonight with some fake IDs. I would never...I would _never_ out you like that, not even to my family. I didn't know any of this was happening tonight, or I would have stopped it, I _promise_." Anya stated, voice shaky and strained, but it was enough for Clarke's heart to swell with relief, hearing nothing but truth from her friend. Nothing but safety. "Is Lexa still there?"

"She ran away." Clarke managed to get out as she sunk down against the door, allowing her lungs to take in a bit more oxygen before she continued. "Left her boots behind, but she ran."

"Fuck." Anya cursed sharply, and Clarke couldn't help but laugh at the uncharacteristic outburst, even if it trailed off into a choked sob as her fear came roaring back. "Oh hey, no, don't cry, it'll be just fine, Clarke. It'll all be alright, I promise, okay?"

Clarke sniffed back her tears and nodded at Anya's encouragement, even if she didn't entirely believe it. It was at the very least nice to hear someone was convinced that this all would end well. "I know. I can...I'll handle it, Anya. I just needed to know I still had you. I know with you...I'll get through this. So don't hound her or anything, just...I can handle it. I just needed to hear you." She pieced together between steadying breaths, trying to build her walls back up, trying to reconstruct that impenetrable mask of confidence.

"I told you before, I'm not going anywhere, Clarke. This doesn't change anything." Anya offered in a soft, sweet voice, so much like when the woman had saved her from despair, peering into Clarke's depths at her secret, only to strengthen their bond instead of severing it.

Just remembering how Anya had practically torn the old makeshift bandage off her heart and healed her that afternoon a week ago, pledging her friendship and support, no matter the circumstances, well, it had Clarke feeling stronger. It reminded her that allowing herself to hope was a good thing, that people weren't going to break her heart every time she put it out there.

"If you need anything..." Anya started to say, voice thick with emotion that a sniffle and a cough could hardly extinguish. "If you need anything, if you need me, you call me. Promise?"

"I promise. Thank you, Anya." Clarke offered as she wiped the tears from her cheeks, knowing that even if everything went to shit, she'd still have her friend at her side. For that, regardless of anything else, she felt tremendously fortunate.

"None necessary. Call me later and let me know how it goes, okay? I'll wait up." Anya hushed out, her voice a soothing balm to her fears for the moment. And as much as Clarke wanted to tell the woman not to wait up, to just rest up instead, that this wasn't her particular battle, she knew Anya would be stubborn enough to wait up, anyway. The least she could do was concede such a small request.

"I will. I'll talk to you later, then?" Clarke relented with a smile, feeling comforted by Anya's protectiveness. Perhaps the woman could be overbearing at times, but Anya had a knack for making her feel special and cared for. Clarke might have had a certain L word floating around her head, even, but she knew she'd want to leave that for when they were face to face, not over the phone, as much as their conversation may have warranted it.

"Until later, my sky girl." Anya let out softly before the call ended, Clarke letting that surprising and heart-warming term of endearment seep into her and empower her. Anya, after all, only gave nicknames to the most important people in her life, a fact which got Clarke to her feet to clean herself up, knowing Lexa could only stay out in the hallway shoeless for so long.

Thankfully, a lot of her earlier makeup work remained intact, just needing some touch ups around her eyes; Clarke reapplied her mascara and eyeliner, but passed on concealing the puffiness from her crying, or drops to fight off the redness of her eyes. She'd get through tonight to the best of her ability, and hug the hell out of Anya on their walk the next morning. And then maybe facewash her in a snowbank, just because.

Still, she doubted that if Lexa returned, that the girl was about to come back and stay for long. So when Clarke double-checked that Lexa hadn't come back in all silent-like, and that the boots were still there, she retreated to her bedroom to change. It was supposed to be a night of firsts, of relative intrigue, and Clarke didn't want to lose all trace of that, so she bypassed her comfier pajamas and slipped on her nice robe instead. Even if her potential friend had been repulsed over her, Clarke knew she could at least display some self-confidence in her beauty. Didn't hurt that her condo's heating was pretty damn great, so it was pretty comfy, anyways.

With that all done, she worked at passing the time, unsure when Lexa would come back, but confident that she would. What happened then, honestly, was anyone's guess.

* * *

It just wasn't right. There literally was nothing right at all about anything Lexa was feeling at the moment, long minutes after escaping Clarke's father's place, and yet she remained. While part of that was because she'd forgotten her boots, the vast majority was a mess of confusions.

_Oh let's be fair, it's not that confusing, I'm just a mess..._ She mused, berating herself for her hasty exit, for having that glass of wine when any alcohol always got her talkative, for not interrogating Clarke when she had the chance. Hell, for just stepping foot inside that condo to begin with. It was all a mess, and as much as she wanted to pin it all on Clarke Griffin, she knew it wasn't the blonde that had her out in the hallway.

_Or, well, it WAS her, in a way..._ Lexa internally corrected, recalling Clarke's hands on her legs, and how excited she'd been at how they had just kept creeping upwards. Sure, Clarke had been giving a full leg massage, it was to be expected, but there was no reason for it to feel that good. None.

And yet, it had. And she'd fled.

Lexa Pocosin was not a coward, that she knew. She could take pride in that. However, she was someone who needed to think things through, and it was impossible to think straight with Clarke in her vicinity, especially when the blonde made her feel dangerously gay. Each and every breath around the girl when those hands were on her, even with jeans protecting her skin, had her thinking ' _just fuck me up'_ , and Lexa had been down that road before.

Not with Clarke, no, but she'd been down it, and that city of light had been turned to ruin, shattering her down to her core, and she wasn't feeling up for trying that again. Not knowing Anya would have to piece her back together again, which, along with her cousin's sincere adoration of Clarke, had Lexa feeling a bit more capable of tamping down on the anger that kept threatening to flood her system each time Clarke stirred jealousy or weakness inside of her. It was everything else, particularly her memories and history, which had forced her from the condo.

_But god, her HANDS. And...how long has it been since I spoke at length with anyone who wasn't family? Aside from Clarke? She always manages to unravel me..._ She agonized, wishing she'd turned down Echo and Caris' invitation and remained home. Then she wouldn't have exposed herself to a situation where her hardly dormant feelings could get away from her, and she certainly wouldn't have made a fool of herself to Clarke, or dealt with the fears of what traps her feelings would lead her into.

To her credit, the blonde had dropped a big bombshell on her, even if it had been by accident. At the start of the day, she never would have imagined she would have learned that Clarke was, in the girl's own words, a 'sex worker'. While that situation was not at all about her, she thought she deserved at least a few minutes to wrap her head around it. Instead, she'd opened her mouth and made a complete ass of herself in getting a little jealously aggressive and pushing Clarke's buttons, something that Clarke often deflected in the past, but certainly wasn't in the mood to do tonight. And not as if Lexa had any reason to be jealous, either.

It's not as if they were together, an item; no, the mere thought of that had Lexa short of breath with panic flaring at the edges of her mind. They weren't together in the least, so there was no reason to be jealous, to feel an urge to stake a claim when that would literally be the worst idea imaginable given her history. And yet, in an abstract sense, outside of the concept of time, the idea of her and Clarke enjoying each other was more than a little alluring, even with the tension between them. Perhaps, in a way, because of it.

_God, when she walked me back against the wall...no, no, she was just angry. Like she told me, I would know when she flirted with me. Like... in her kitchen, calling me pretty..._ She mused, knowing in some way that Clarke couldn't _completely_ hate her if she could stomach making such a remark. Lexa knew, though, that as surprised as she had been, Clarke had been as well, and it was wrong to let her emotions get the best of her; Clarke had been much more controlled. Stronger, not weak like she had been.

To be quite frank, the prospect of Clarke having sex with strangers for a living wasn't exactly easy to digest. Hell, the notion of Clarke having sex with just about anyone was uncomfortable enough to handle, especially how that discomfort largely vanished when inserting herself in such fantasies.

_Not fantasies...just thoughts...just thoughts..._ She mused with a depressingly low sense of conviction. It was all a bit much, and it particularly had Lexa on edge over which behaviours of Clarke's were business, and which were personal. In a career field meant to provide a fantasy, to manipulate reality and perform, Lexa felt a little justified in wondering what was real and what wasn't.

That made dealing with Clarke a lot less certain. And certainty, up until now, had been Lexa's rock. Particularly the certainty that if she didn't get involved again, that she'd never suffer like she had after Costia. She still had time to walk away from Clarke, to try and salvage something that wasn't romantic for Anya's sake, to try and keep some firm distance between them, like she'd been trying and failing to do over the past month.

How unfortunate, then, that her body felt a terrifyingly relentless pull to return to the condo, to throw herself in Clarke's arms and drown in the blonde's touch. She had developed a deep, not-so-dormant thirst for affection and intimacy as years passed since Costia, and Clarke had a tendency to weaken her resolve over that. From Clarke's bright smiles and absent-minded touches, to the girl snuggling up with her on her bed, to how the blonde would happily loop an arm around her own without a second thought, Clarke always had a way to make Lexa feel, and indulge herself in it, if just for a little while. _My damn birthday, and the one thing I want, I can't...or, well, shouldn't have..._ She thought to herself, weighing the pros and cons for about the fiftieth time since she'd gone into the hall.

And for about the fortieth consecutive time, the list of cons was vastly dwarfed, but she remembered her reaction to Clarke singing to her weeks and weeks ago. She'd ended up in bed, crying in Anya's arms, not at all prepared to deal with attraction to the blonde. Not ready to deal with how each excited thump of her heart reminded her of the pain she felt, with each beat of her heart, since Costia. Not ready to tackle the mere notion of the vulnerability essential to a romantic relationship. Lexa doubted that she had made enough progress with Clarke over the past weeks to even consider anything of the sort, if she wanted one at all.

_Love is weakness, after all. I learned that much the hard way..._

Her thoughts were interrupted by the buzzing of her phone, Lexa's hands moving to the device faster than usual in hopes of a distraction, of a way to unleash her discomfort over her current situation two the two culprits who had set her up. Except, it wasn't Caris or Echo texting her, it wasn't even a text at all.

Lexa swiped at her phone, opening the Instagram notification, apparently Anya's rarely used account having posted something new for the first time in well over a year. Lexa's hand stilled at the sight of a photo of herself in a standoff with a raccoon, one Clarke must have taken during their walk in the park.

_My baby cousin LexaPocosin taking a statement after saving the little thing's life, according to witness skaigirlgriffin #wildlifeadventures_

Lexa rolled her eyes out of principle, knowing Anya was probably just trying to tease her a little bit, as usual, but then she got another notification, Anya having posted something else. She flipped over to it, and saw the picture of her and Clarke that an elderly couple had taken; at least, she assumed it was, given it was the only non-selfie the blonde had taken of them that day at the arboretum.

Her memory shifted back to that day, and how Clarke had held her arm and leaned up against her, smelling incredible and being so free and warm with her. Even when she'd shut down a bit and try to put some distance between them either physically or emotionally, it'd never phase the blonde. Clarke would keep smiling, keep her shielded from the freezing rain, keep showing interest in her and their surroundings. Clarke would always manage to reel her back in effortlessly, to get her relaxing without even realizing it, often only realizing she'd been smiling when her cheeks began to hurt.

There was a seductive power to that kind of chemistry, that easy kind of connection. Lexa wasn't sure she could handle managing something, even a friendship, with Clarke on top of everything else in her life, even if she knew she could supremely enjoy the blonde in small doses.

_But...maybe I could just...go get my boots, and get...I don't know, a hug? A nice one? It's my birthday, it's just one night...I'd like to think I can ask a little more for myself on my birthday. Right?_ She mused, returning her focus back to her phone enough to read the caption, her eyes rolling once more at Anya's remark.

_Two cuties #winterwonderland #wishIwasthere #IblameLincoln_

"Must be hitting the sauce early." Lexa mumbled to herself before pocketing her phone, figuring her cousin would probably go on a posting spree full of embarrassing things. She'd sneak onto Anya's computer the next morning and delete the captions.

As she guided her body back down the hall, Lexa couldn't help but wonder what Anya would do if her cousin knew what she knew. Honestly, after a moment or two of thought, she figured her cousin would probably be hesitantly okay with it, if extremely protective. Lexa remembered enough about the goalie Anya's freshman year being a stripper, and her cousin's regular obsession about the older player's wellbeing. _She'd probably go way overboard, like keeping a hitman on-call in case someone hassled Clarke or forgot to tip..._ she mused, a shiver running through her body at the thought of Clarke with some stranger. With someone else, really, if she were to peer deep into her soul for some honesty.

Lexa returned to Clarke's words earlier, focusing on how the blonde compartmentalized between work and her free time, trying to just think of it all as work. _When Clarke massages Anya, or Raven, or Octavia, she does it as a friend...she'd offer it freely, with a full heart...if someone asked her at work, she'd...she'd charge for it, like any masseuse would. It'd just be business, right? And if masseuses can treat clients who are absolute jerks and make them feel better, for a cost, then that's alright, clearly...so Clarke offering services of her own...how can I expect different from her? She said it herself...work isn't personal, her heart's not involved. I just...I just need to remember that's the difference, that's what matters..._ Lexa mused, trying her best to keep her thoughts from lingering to imagined scenes of the blonde with random men. _But god, it's just...I know she's not with me, or mine, but...it just feels wrong..._

When she broke away from her thoughts, Lexa found herself standing at Clarke's door once again, this time knowing exactly who and what laid beyond the doorway. She took a few long, calming breaths, focused on allowing herself a minor bit of affection before taking her leave, and then rapped her knuckles at the door.

One second passed, and then two, Lexa listening for Clarke's heels and hearing nothing. So when the door was pulled open, revealing Clarke a few inches shorter, clad in this navy floor length silky robe, maybe Lexa flinched and stood a little stiffly in surprise. And maybe she let herself wonder what exactly was under that robe, but only for a moment, because Clarke was watching her with big curious blue eyes. Eyes which sported puffiness and redness that expertly applied makeup couldn't quite cover up, and Lexa had been paying enough attention earlier to know _that_ was definitely new.

Which, well, was concerning. She and Clarke were on good enough terms for her to be worried, after all. At least, Lexa thought so.

And so, her loosely thought out plans went out the window and Lexa found herself toying with the loops of her jeans, not wanting to say goodnight yet, not wanting to leave without at least checking if Clarke was okay. If that took a little time, then anyone could understand that, surely. "May I come in?"

"Of course, Lexa." Clarke answered quietly, a small smile curling at her lips as the blonde ducked away inside, leading her back into the condo's foyer.

"I apologize for running off." Lexa added after a few long seconds of standing around, wondering where she would go from there, now that she was back inside and in Clarke's company. An apology for earlier seemed fitting. "I didn't mean any insult, I just needed air."

"I'm fine, Lexa. I know you weren't trying to hurt me, I get you feeling confused or overwhelmed. Please, let's just... put it in the past and focus on now." Clarke noted, leaning up against the living room sofa, eyes glimmering with expectation. That subtle hope shining in Clarke's eyes was almost enough to get past the fact that the blonde basically admitted that she _had_ been hurt, even if Lexa hadn't meant to cause it.

Lexa wasn't sure what to do to help with that, or with the clear power to decide what would happen. She'd always sort of fumbled through these things back with Costia. More often than not she'd gather a mountain of candles, scatter them around a room, light them all, and arrange some cuddling in the dim, intimate candlelight. Yet, Clarke already seemed to have that covered with nearly all the electric lighting turned off in favour of candles and a fireplace. And cuddling was out of the question, of course.

At least, initially. _We did sort of end up cuddling together watching Supernatural...maybe we could try that again? She liked that well enough to fall asleep with me, and...well, I might have liked that night as well. It IS just my birthday...and it doesn't have to be more than friendly...I think I can do this..._

"I was wondering if maybe we could watch a movie, or some TV together?" Lexa asked, hoping that Clarke would be up for such a simple way of keeping each other company.

Thankfully, the blonde's expression lit up, that infectious grin blooming across her face. "I'd love that! I think I have some food...why don't you find us something to eat in the kitchen while I set things up?"

Lexa nodded along at the blonde's enthusiasm and made her way into the kitchen, aimlessly checking around the sparsely filled cabinets for something to much on. It didn't seem that Clarke spent a lot of time at the condo, which was probably a good thing, all things considered.

Eventually, she came across a massive hoard of popcorn packets, and just set to making a few in the microwave, figuring that even if she ended up making too much, that the blonde still had a lot more where that came from.

A few minutes later, after ensuring it was all good and seasoned with some butter and salt, she emerged with a massive bowl of popcorn, her pace slowing as she saw a greatly transformed living room. The couch had been pushed back slightly, and the coffee table was pushed up against its front, leaving a large amount of room in front of it, where a tremendous amount of pillows were set up as a makeshift backstop atop a fluffy looking rug. Why Clarke couldn't have kept the previous setup was beyond her, but with the pillows, and blankets, and the fireplace, she wasn't about to complain.

"I noticed your feet and calves were a little chilly when I was giving you a massage earlier. My fireplace is nice if you're close enough to it, so I figured we could watch something, have a cozy little nook, and stay a little warmer. Is that okay?" Clarke asked, and while Lexa still didn't understand why moving the sofa closer to the fireplace wouldn't have sufficed, Clarke's makeshift pillow pile did look comfy. It also left just enough room for both of them to sit comfortably, which she was sure would either be wonderful or agonizing. Possibly both.

Lexa offered a smile and held out the snack. "Is popcorn alright?"

Clarke's furious nodding was more than an answer. "I love it. So, birthday girl, what do you want to watch?"

A number of ideas filled her head about what to watch, but given her interests included a lot of nature specials, Lexa found herself with precious little reasonable selections. At least, not a lot that she was confident Clarke would enjoy. "We never did get very deep into our Supernatural marathon." She noted, the 'our' slipping out, even if it was mostly true. She'd planned on having that marathon alone, and finished a number of episodes on her own, but in her mind, it remained the night that Clarke came by and watched Supernatural with her.

And if offering up Supernatural led to her and Clarke ending up in a similar position as they had on her bed, then she wasn't going to complain. It was her birthday, she was allowed at least one night where she could just enjoy herself, wasn't she? It only seemed fair. It was just one night. She could worry about her connection with Clarke, and the blonde's work, and all of that stuff tomorrow. Tonight, Clarke was kind, and breathtakingly beautiful, and seemingly happy to share her company. That's all it had to be, Lexa had to believe that.

"I promise I won't fall asleep on you this time." Clarke said, smiling brightly as she popped in the season one DVD and settled into the pillow pile, waiting for Lexa to slip in beside her before covering their laps with a blanket.

As the usual warnings came up on screen, Lexa took advantage of the forced delay to sate her curiosity, a long-held question finally desiring an answer. "You seem to have difficulty sleeping often. Is it because of...of what you do?"

Clarke shaking her head was a bit of a surprise, Lexa having thought that perhaps the blonde's work was at fault, either due to late hours or bad clients. "I have a hard time sleeping alone. I don't need anyone in bed beside me, but...nearby, you know? Octavia's been sleeping over at Lincoln's more often, and I've had some late nights at work, so it can be hard to sleep. At least here I have memories of my dad to keep me company, and sometimes that helps, even after everything. Being able to nap at your place, or Raven's the rare time, helps a lot, too."

Lexa hadn't expected such a candid answer, but she deeply appreciated it, and it helped make sense of why Clarke would sometimes hang out at her dorm after her and Anya's morning walk, often enough napping away until noon when the blonde did stick around. It helped explain why Anya, as that friendship grew, would shift from having Clarke nap by the end of the bed to up at the top with her, leaving Clarke a pillow if the blonde wasn't using Anya as one in some way.

In hindsight, Clarke had been quite open with her over their past meetings. From this newest explanation, to learning about Clarke's father's love for music, to Clarke admitting to crying over television, to wanting to protect her and Anya from harm against Harvard, to Clarke discussing how she saw Lexa as a hockey player and as a person, to an assortment of compliments and candid bits of information along the way. Hell, the blonde could have potentially made an effort to cover up her career, but she let Lexa in, and even educated her when she antagonized the blonde in a fit of, well, mostly jealousy.

Thinking back, Clarke had been maddeningly patient with her, and while Lexa wasn't exactly sure why, she could appreciate that. And as the episode they left off on started up again, as she felt the gentle weight of Clarke's shoulders pressed up against her own, she felt comfortable enough to see about doing a little opening up of her own, to see if she could handle it with someone other than Anya.

"I used to have difficulty sleeping as well." Lexa found herself speaking, hoping she was making a good decision, knowing it had been made from her heart, not her head, and that was dangerous. Still, the way that Clarke's head tilted to watch her with care, a soft knowing smile on the blonde's lips, it all had Lexa feeling a little reassured. Fingertips brushing the top of her hand only solidified that.

"May I?" Clarke asked all hushed, gently taking hold of Lexa's hand when she offered the slightest of nods.

Spurred on by the warmth of Clarke's touch, of the blonde's soul, Lexa let herself hold that pale hand for any extra strength she may need. "Sleeping above ground level was...difficult, for a long time. It got to where I couldn't sleep in rooms with windows that could open, either. Which, in the summer, in Virginia, could seriously suck." Lexa continued, feeling a little foolish for throwing out such details without context. Clarke, though, just leaned up against her in the following period of silence, demanding nothing of her in the moment except that they remain where they were, the blonde offering a gentle squeeze of her hand and a smile as the show in the background provided white noise. "I had a girlfriend for about two and a half years in high school. Her name was Costia."

"Dark hair, beautiful smile, wore a lot of yellow. She'd cheer for you in the stands." Clarke whispered absently, momentarily stunning Lexa into silence. It was only the embarrassed blush on Clarke's cheeks that willed her to speak again, knowing Clarke felt bad for interrupting her train of thought.

"You remember her?" She asked, perhaps a meaningless question, given Clarke had already spoken of her, but she wanted to hear more, if Clarke could offer it.

"Lexa, we play women's hockey. It was _high school_ women's hockey. The stands were mostly riddled with a few parents, so when someone my age would be clapping two huge foam fingers together and cheering and yelling for you all throughout the game, it's hard not to notice." Clarke explained, and alright, she had a point there. As much as Lexa would get into the zone while playing, she'd always come out of it long enough during breaks between plays, or after scoring, that she'd hear Costia cheering her on. It had never ceased to make her smile. "She'd be there with an older blonde, Anya as I know now, and sometimes a tall guy with a beard. It was always pretty amusing, I guess, and it only took maybe...three games for me to know for sure that you two were in love. The last time I saw you smile in your high school years was when you were celebrating with them after a game. You both looked so happy."

Lexa blinked a few times to will away the tears that were building up, wishing those memories weren't so bittersweet. Still, as emotional as the memories were making her, it didn't feel as heavy anymore. The pain wasn't as acute, it wasn't as debilitating as it often could be, and she wasn't going numb in response. It felt good to remember how happy she'd been, even if that was mixed with the pain of her loss.

It had her feeling that maybe, just maybe, she could talk more about it. That maybe, she could actually let Clarke in a bit more and see if she could handle that. If they could handle it together. "Costia, she...she was a year older than me, but I loved her, and she loved me. At the time, I was living with Anya, and her parents were rarely around...Anya let us have sleepovers, and Costia's parents were very lenient as well. We were young and innocent, and...neither of us were ready, so we...we...I _loved_ her."

Lexa shook her head at the words tumbling out of her mouth, wanting to talk about what she had with Costia, but not wanting to be vulgar, or disrespectful. Thankfully, Clarke's smooth voice filtered in. "You enjoyed each other's company. It's only natural to want to be close...to _feel_ close to the people you love, Lexa. I'm sure every night you spent together, Costia knew you loved her."

Lexa nodded at that, happy to be able to move past that particular detail, those memories of intimacy a little too much to handle at the moment. "Costia had started sleepwalking more and more in her sophomore year, when we met, but it wasn't a big deal. She'd usually get up to wander around the room a little, and then would come back to bed. But sometimes she'd get a little confused and lost, and would wander further. It..."

The words splintered on the way up her throat as the memory of the cool winter air and sirens filled her mind, the taste of bile only making it worse. Her eyes clenched shut in hopes of containing and controlling her reaction, remembering back to Anya's techniques to help calm her nerves and swallow back the toxic words until she could clear her head and find better ones.

The sensation of Clarke's arms gently hugging around her arm, of whispered words washing over her ears, met her as she emerged from the mental bubble of her coping routine. Her eyes darted to meet Clarke's glassy, worried ones, and watched the blonde's mouth close in wait for Lexa's own words. Patient once again.

"We'd been out on her balcony that evening in her parents' apartment, looking at the Christmas lights people in her neighbourhood had been putting up. I...I forgot to lock the balcony door when we went back in. Her parents did shift work, her dad was already asleep, and her mom was pulling a night shift at the hospital." Lexa started to explain, that ever-present pit of guilt boring into her once more, deservedly so, even if Anya told her it wasn't.

"Oh god, Lexa..." Clarke let out breathlessly, sounding like she was going to protest her framing of the situation, but as far as she was concerned, it went down one specific way. One that had cut Costia out of her life, for good reason. She certainly didn't blame her ex for not getting a hold of her since.

"She fell four stories. And then into a coma. Her parents moved her to a big hospital in Minnesota as soon as they could, left me a box of my things I'd left at her place, and that was that. She was hurt because of me, and I couldn't sleep anymore. Not for a long time." She finished briskly, her sudden anxiety pushing her past the pain of the memory, largely wishing she hadn't laid such a heavy bit of history out on her birthday of all days, and on Clarke. Not when they were supposed to be watching TV. She prayed Clarke wouldn't push for more, because she wasn't sure she could hold up for it with how she was already shaking, if hopefully not so noticeably.

Still, it felt like a weight had been lifted off her chest. Nowhere close to the entire host of weights, but a decently sized one wasn't there anymore, and _that_ was new. _That_ had Lexa feeling oddly light. Even if she was on the verge of crying, and her heart hurt like it was punctured by a thousand knives, it still felt much better than the last time around. She could still breathe without assistance or slipping into uncontrollable sobs, for one.

"Lexa, may I?" Clarke asked softly, shifting in place a bit. Honestly, she wasn't sure what the girl was asking permission for, but the absence of pity in her voice, or on her face, had Lexa nodding her consent.

Immediately, Clarke shifted to slide behind her, those arms that had hugged her arm now slipping around her waist, with Clarke's bare legs pressing comfortably against her own, their bodies basically fully touching as Clarke held her, chin resting on her shoulder. Like magic, Clarke had seemed to know exactly what she needed at the moment, and took initiative to make it happen. As much as she'd enjoyed Clarke leaning up on her, it had been so long since anyone other than Anya had held her, and it felt so relieving to be able to relax and be touched like that again. Especially by someone she had feelings for, even if those feelings were a little scary and couldn't go anywhere. _I can deal with that another time...right now, this is just...this is good. And Anya would approve of us being friendly...even if this is maybe a little more than...well..._

"Is this okay?" Clarke asked, hands clasping around Lexa's waist, that mesmerizing jasmine-vanilla scent flooding her senses and relieving all the tension from her body.

"Perfect, Clarke." She murmured, sinking back into the blonde, the sheer relief bringing a smile to her face.

Seconds passed as the euphoria of finally experiencing a shred of intimacy settled into a warm, gooey contentment. Clarke's body was an enveloping comfort as it wrapped around her, the blonde's face only rarely leaving Lexa's shoulder. Even then, though, she'd feel Clarke's nose nuzzling at the back of her head, so it's not like there was anything to complain about. Not with the spellbinding girl offering a steady sense of solace.

Lexa hadn't wanted to get any deeper into her history, she'd just wanted to release some of that weight and let it go, and she couldn't be more thrilled that Clarke had allowed for that. The blonde hadn't contested her history or the guilt attached to it; no, Clarke had simply offered her the comfort she sought, and let that pain be validated and soothed with her touch.

"Well, I'm wide awake, Lexa. We don't have to sleep any time soon, if you don't want to." Clarke whispered, words washing against her neck, thankful in the shared understanding that sleep would best be put off after everything that had been said. "Why don't we just enjoy some TV for a while, hm?"

Lexa found herself nodding, slinging one arm over where Clarke's hands were clasped against her waist, hopefully showing the other girl that she really liked how they were set up right now.

And so time rolled on by, Sam and Dean's adventures entertaining the duo in the dim light, the sound of the show only accompanied by the faint crunch of popcorn Lexa found herself munching on absently. She'd feel Clarke smile or laugh against her shoulder at the funny moments, or bury that beautiful face in her hair during the odd emotional scene, but for the most part, her companion was a silent, comforting presence as they continued on with their relaxing evening.

It was Clarke's stomach rumbling a few episodes into their marathon that had Lexa realizing that she'd been mowing down on their snack alone, since Clarke's hands were too busy being wrapped around her. _Well...it'd be rude of me not to share...especially since it's her food..._

Lexa already had a few puffs of popcorn in her hand, but instead of bringing them to her mouth as she had for the past hour and a half or so, she changed their trajectory and blindly brought them closer to the shoulder Clarke's face was resting against, holding her hand steady in wait.

She felt Clarke's face leave her shoulder, filling Lexa with a slight bit of tension as she waited, trying to ignore the fact that they were curled up together in an amazingly intimate way, and she was feeding the blonde hand to mouth. She knew this was just one night, that Clarke was just _Clarke_ , and she was just _Lexa_ , and nothing had to mean _anything_ , but there was a sort of weight to this. It wasn't anything she could pass off quite so easily as a platonic act. Not while they were entangled, at least.

She felt Clarke's lips graze against her palm, taking all three kernels in one fell swoop, a content hum and some crunching following suit. Lexa was suddenly met with the realization that no matter what, she'd be eating popcorn from a hand that Clarke's lips hand touched. The sound of her inner Anya came to the forefront of her mind to taunt her, of course.

_By a sixth grader's standards, you may as well have kissed if you eat from your hand again...treading on dangerous ground, here, little one. You remember the last time you felt this, and how it grew..._

Lexa shoved aside those thoughts; they'd served her well enough in the past, but she was having a nice evening, a wonderful end to her birthday, and she could deal with the fallout from that tomorrow. And so, with that decided, she brought her hand down, grabbed a handful of popcorn, took a few into her mouth, and brought the rest to Clarke. After all, she didn't want the blonde to starve when Clarke was being so good to her.

Once again, Clarke's lips brushed against her palm, this time needing two attempts to take in all the popcorn. However, after a few seconds of crunching and a happy hum, Lexa felt those same lips press against her cheek, surely turning her face beet red from how immediately hot she felt, how she could feel and hear the blood pumping through her skull like a water main about to burst.

"Thank you, Lexa." Clarke spoke, voice all velvety and warm, stirring some very dormant sensations deep inside her core, and pushing her heart up into her throat.

Lexa needed two hard swallows to get it back into place, and a few seconds to calm her thundering heart, before she could speak again. "I would not have you starve, Clarke."

"Well, I appreciate that. I kind of have my hands full right now, so I definitely welcome the help." Clarke murmured, nose and lips lightly pressing against her neck, only making Lexa feel like her body was a few hundred degrees hotter.

"Please, Clarke...if you keep this up...well, I might have to leave to cool down." Lexa spoke, nearly pleading in her need for Clarke to ease up on the affection, even if a large part of her deeply desired more from the blonde. Reminded by her own words, Lexa glanced up at the clock and wondered where the time went. "Actually, it's getting late. Maybe I should leave, anyways."

Lexa felt Clarke's head return to her shoulder, this time a chin resting gently against it instead of the blonde's lips. "Well, you _could_ leave. It's your birthday, and your call." Clarke started, clearly having another option left unspoken for the moment. "Popcorn, please?"

She bit her lip a little at the blonde's cute request and brought a few kernels up to Clarke's mouth. She had asked nicely, after all.

Clarke munched away happily, Lexa offering a swift second handful to the blonde as she watched Sam and Dean get into trouble again. While Clarke had made it clear that Lexa could leave, and while it certainly was more than late enough to take her leave, she was starting to yearn for an excuse not to. Despite the bombshell of learning what Clarke did for a living, despite the mess that was the start of their evening together, despite how weak she'd already been that night, she really was enjoying herself more than she had in a long time with Clarke's simple affectionate companionship. Weakness or not, it was pleasant being reflexively happy, and even if it could only last for her birthday, it felt worth it. Worth dealing with the eventual fallout tomorrow, at least.

"So...you could leave...or, you could stay the night? Tonight's just one night that'll be put in our memory banks tomorrow, and we can handle that however we want to then. We could just stay here, together, in the present...Lexa and Clarke, simple and easy, when life is anything but for us. Don't we deserve that? At least for one night?" Clarke continued so hushed and soft, and Lexa felt like smacking herself upside the head at the realization that she hadn't been the only one deeply benefitting from their time together tonight. Both shirking their messy and painful histories, and the complications in their lives, so that they could have something relatively simple and normal together, if just for a little while.

Lexa was more than willing to let that last a bit longer. To perhaps enjoy the blonde's presence until the sun rose the next morning, if it came to that. She wasn't sure what staying the night with Clarke would entail, so there was some danger in that, but she was willing to face it if it meant that her largely light, serene mood would continue on into the night.

She settled her nerves and took a deep breath, hoping she was making the right call. It was her birthday, she deserved some happiness. "Maybe we do." Lexa answered, taking hold of Clarke's clasped hands and gently tugging them apart enough to take hold of the blonde's left. The thundering of her blood thrumming in her temples ensured that if Clarke made any protest, she likely wouldn't have heard it, but there was no physical resistance when Lexa brought that hand up to her lips and pressed a kiss to the blonde's palm. "We'll stay here together."

The feeling of Clarke smiling against her shoulder had Lexa returning Clarke's hand back to her waist, allowing herself a similarly warm smile when the blonde quickly tangled both hands together again and gave her a light squeeze around her waist. "Together, then." Clarke breathed out, lips once again branding her with a kiss, this time to her shoulder. And while it had her arousal spiking once more, it seemed more manageable, knowing that there wasn't just lust there between them both, that there wasn't just a work-like obligation for Clarke. Most importantly, that this didn't have to stretch on for any longer than that night, and that it wasn't one-sided. "So...more popcorn, please?"

Clarke's exuberance over the snack had Lexa letting out a laugh before grabbing some more and lifting the food in reach of the blonde.

They remained there together, Lexa feeding Clarke with popcorn steadily enough, the blonde returning the affection in kind with a pert nose nuzzling her neck, or the occasional kiss to her shoulder. It had her feeling like she did back in high school, and as much fear and guilt as she had for Costia, Clarke's touch and presence felt different, enough to keep that history at a distance, at least for now.

It was three audible yawns in quick succession from the blonde that had Lexa reaching for the remote and putting a stop to their mini-marathon. Checking the clock, it was very late, and Lexa couldn't help but feel a little bad. She knew Clarke would get up for an early morning walk with Anya no matter what, and that her cousin would worry herself, as she had recently taken to, over the blonde's lack of sleep. Meanwhile, she could grab an extra two hours back at her dorm, alone, and get away in time to be at practice early by the time Anya stopped off at the dorm for her gym bag after the walk.

For a moment, Lexa entertained the possibility of Clarke talking to Anya about tonight, but she figured that the blonde probably wouldn't out herself so soon, likely choosing instead to strategize an approach to Anya first.

"Clarke, you're tired. We should rest." Lexa asserted, earning another yawn from the blonde before Clarke let out a tiny huff.

"But you're still wide awake." Clarke complained softly, and while the girl was quite nice for not wanting to force Lexa's hand on when to go to bed, it was unnecessary.

"I've been getting a little sleepier, and my body is dead tired, so I need the rest as much as you do." Lexa clarified, hoping it would help convince the stubborn blonde to do what was best for them both.

Clarke let out a sigh and slowly nodded against her shoulder. "Alright, then. You want to wash up first? I have some spare stuff beneath the sink you can use."

Lexa tilted her head to where she could see the blonde's sleepy face and nodded, knowing Clarke really did seem to need the rest. With more reluctance than was maybe appropriate, Lexa took hold of the hands clasped around her waist and pulled them apart and to the side. She turned around and moved to a kneel between Clarke's legs, momentarily admiring how utterly beautiful the tired girl was just splayed out in her robe, looking up at Lexa with kind, bleary eyes and a smile as warm as a summer morning.

"Don't fall asleep yet, Clarke. You deserve to have something nicer than pillows and a hard floor beneath you." Lexa noted, eyebrow cocked in expectation for the blonde to start moving, but the girl just inexplicably started giggling. Perhaps Clarke was just overtired. _Sometimes I get giggly when I've been up too long..._

"Are you suggesting anything in particular, Lexa?" Clarke asked after coming down from her giggle-fit, though the blonde apparently couldn't help but let another few out after her puzzling question. Lexa was fairly certain she wasn't suggesting anything aside from the obvious.

It was a moment later, as her eyes took a second brief opportunistic scan of Clarke's body that she realized the blonde had sunk down quite a bit more on the pillows, and was more or less laying down, Lexa looming over her. Suddenly, her words and Clarke's question fit neatly into an entirely different context than she'd intended.

"Goddamn it, _Lexa_ _no_..." She mumbled to herself, eyes clamping shut as blood rushed to her cheeks for the millionth time that night, taking one steadying breath after another to calm her racing heart and quell the tendrils of anxiety keeping her rooted in place. Lexa ignored Clarke's peals of laughter and got to her feet, marching off towards the washroom. Only to realize she'd blindly marched into the kitchen instead, which only added to her embarrassment when she had to open her eyes and navigate back out into the living room and scan the area for where the washroom might be.

Clarke, of course, was bright eyed and still laughing at her. "Just use the ensuite in my room. You can grab a t-shirt from my dresser, too, if you want." Clarke let out between laughs, pointing off towards a door at the back of the living room that was slightly ajar.

Not wanting any more embarrassment, Lexa quickly made her way into the bedroom, grabbed whatever shirt was at the top of the dresser. A quick glance revealed it was some distressed, or very worn out, Carolina Hurricanes top; Lexa shook her head in confusion and the minor sense of betrayal wearing it could cause, and headed to the ensuite's sink, checking underneath to find a spare toothbrush, some wipes, and some mouthwash. She went to work, going through her usual routine, being as thorough as possible until her face was fully cleaned and exfoliated, and her mouth was as fresh and clean as possible. The last thing she needed was to finish up so quickly that Clarke would still be laughing at her accidental innuendo.

When she'd completed her routine, or as much of it as she could given the circumstances, Lexa let her hand rest on the doorknob, hoping for some semblance of composure because this all seemed like some next-level grade situation in comparison to what she'd already navigated through. Combined with avoiding clothing herself in rival colours, instead opting for just her underwear, it all felt a little nerve-wracking. _Though it's not as if she hasn't seen most of my body as well...it's not as if I cover myself much in the gym...not much more than I am now...but still, she might think that...that I...ugh..._

Earlier was easy. Lexa wasn't unimaginative; she'd had many a fantasy about Clarke in the past, all of which she'd pushed to the back of her mind eventually, but those had somewhat prepared her for tonight. Given even her imagination often censored itself, and kept things fairly PG-rated, it was easy to handle curling up with Clarke and watching some TV when she'd fantasized about curling up with the blonde dozens of times before, and when she had literally curled up with Clarke in the past as well.

The issue of where each of them would sleep, and the potential of certain intimate options involved, had Lexa practically vibrating, her hands shaking slightly in apprehension and anticipation of whatever was to come. _I will have to improvise, I suppose...and I can manage that. It's just one night..._

With a steadying breath, she opened the door and stepped out into the bedroom, finding herself mere feet away from Clarke. The blonde was at her dresser, removing her earrings, though Lexa knew from the flicker of Clarke's eyes that her entry hadn't gone unnoticed.

"Didn't find anything to wear?" The blonde asked, tone just uncertain enough to give Lexa slight pause.

"I didn't realize what I'd taken until I was in the bathroom. I will not wear a rival's logo, Clarke." Lexa answered, unfurling the t-shirt within Clarke's periphery before packing it away in the girl's dresser once more.

Clarke hesitated for a moment, tilting her head in question before a laugh bubbling out. "Oh, my Canes shirt. Should'a guessed you'd be a Caps fan...and I guess I understand. I'd never be caught dead wearing Red Wings anything."

Lexa hummed in turn, happy to at least have that much in common. She felt indifference towards most teams in the NHL, but a select few were big enough rivals to be worthy of full-on opposition. _I just don't understand how she could cheer for the Hurricanes when she was raised in Virginia..._

"It's been a good night, hasn't it?" Clarke offered airily, carefully hanging up her earrings before turning to face her. "I mean, as far as capping off a birthday goes, I'd like to think this was a success?"

As smooth and confident as Clarke had been earlier, Lexa could practically see the skittish undertones in the way Clarke's lips twitched a bit when she smiled, how those sapphire blue eyes seemed a little too alert and focused for trying to sound so casual. Clarke was nervous, and Lexa couldn't help but feel a little baffled about it all, even if Clarke was a little cute when she was trying too hard.

"I suppose so, even if my friends _did_ pay you to be with me." Lexa said as she scanned the room for something to focus on, barely needing a second to realize she'd said the wrong thing. Of all the words in the world, it seemed absurd that she managed to blurt out the ones that could ruin everything.

"Lexa..." Clarke spoke her name in clear warning as the blonde padded barefoot across the room to her. Soft, warm hands took hold of her cheeks and directed Lexa's attention until their eyes met once again. And like hell if Clarke's freshly scrubbed bare face wasn't breathtaking. "Lexa, you've never been a client of mine. You're just Lexa...I'm just Clarke...and I think we've had a nice night together."

Lexa let her eyes droop closed as Clarke's sheer presence overwhelmed her. The seductive, velvety lull of her voice, the tender caress of the blonde's palms against her face, the wicked and seductive serenity that Clarke's aroma inspired. "We have..." Lexa breathed out, heart thudding hard against her ribcage, faster and faster with each stroke of Clarke's thumb against her cheek, each inhale of that jasmine vanilla mixture.

"We can continue the night together, Lexa, if you want?"

The question confirming a certain possibility, positioning it as Lexa's decision, combined with the sensory overload, all had Lexa turning on her heel and walking off towards the window. "Please do not take this as rejection Clarke. Your...perfume...makes it difficult to focus. I just need a moment." She admitted, because as embarrassing as the truth was, she couldn't stand the thought of upsetting Clarke three times in one night. Not anymore, even if that made her weak. She could be stronger tomorrow, when it wasn't her birthday, the one time of the year she allowed herself to be remotely selfish.

"Oh...you know, sometimes I wonder why I even try for some kind of signature scent. Raven and O make fun of me for it all the time, I shouldn't be surprised that you don't like it, either." Clarke noted with suddenly shaky syllables and a clear spike in uncertainty in their delivery, and shit, that was not what she had intended.

"Trust me, Clarke, leaving you when you smell like that is the last thing on my mind. The last thing I want to do." Lexa blurted out, blushing at her own forwardness and entirely certain that facing the window had been a good decision. Lexa was pretty sure that whatever expression went along with the hitched breath Clarke let out would probably have the power to further unravel her.

"That's good to know." The words left Clarke all low and smooth, practically a purr, and Lexa found her teeth gnawing into her lower lip before she could even think to respond to the words. "So, what'll it be? Will you stay with me?"

_One night...it's just one night. One night with a pretty girl, and it doesn't have to be anything, it doesn't have to mean anything. Everything goes back to normal tomorrow...it's just one night..._ Lexa mused internally, repeating the words like a mantra as she cobbled together all her courage, all the strength she'd built with Anya's tireless efforts. When her heart rate slowed to within reason, when the anxiety had receded to the periphery of her mind, when she could focus fully on the girl in front of her, Lexa willed herself to nod.

The small gesture was taxing, exhaustion flooding her even as Clarke's smile lit up the room like the mid-morning sun. "Then I guess I'll take the right side of the bed, then. I prefer to be closest to the window."

"Do you..." Lexa started, the brazen words atop her tongue forcing her mouth shut as soon as she realized what she was going to say.

"Do I...what?" Clarke asked, eyes narrowing in confusion, if with a bit of amusement at their edges.

Lexa weighed her options, knowing she could let the words on her tongue die off, and they could continue to bed. It'd certainly make for a cleaner finish to the night, really. Still, as scary as it all was, a part of her had missed being flirted with. She'd miss how words could make her face all red and warm, how they could draw a smile no matter her willpower. It didn't have to mean anything larger than it was, either, she knew that much. Lexa was well aware that people flirted with strangers all the time, so it didn't have to mean anything.

At least, nothing more than wanting Clarke to feel worthy of some positive attention, to feel appreciated. _Clarke had called me pretty, after all. Would it be so wrong of me to show her that...that I think she is, too?_

Still, the fact that they were in a bedroom, at the end of their night together, had her toning her words down a little, deciding to try and lead into them, instead. "Do you usually wear this to bed?" She asked, gesturing to the gorgeous robe still snugly wrapped around Clarke, bringing out the blues of her eyes even in the dim light of the bedroom.

Clarke hand lifted, tucking away some stray locks of hair behind an ear as she blushed. "It makes me feel fancy. Elegant, even, sometimes. But if you'd prefer it off...?" Clarke let out, words trailing off in question, prompting Lexa to cross the room again, stepping into the blonde's personal bubble of space.

And maybe she needed a steadying breath and an internal five count before she could speak, but this wasn't the movies. She was allowed to not be perfectly smooth. "It's strange to sleep so covered up..." She started, swallowing hard before reaching out and taking hold of the knot keeping it tied in place. "But it does accent your radiance, Clarke. Still...you don't have to try so hard."

Clarke's gaze flickered up to meet her own, mouth parting to speak before those blue eyes flickered down to Lexa's hands fiddling with the knot. "And why's that?"

"Your beauty is already elegant, Clarke." Lexa added quietly, allowing herself a smirk at Clarke's slow smile and deeper blush. Already feeling knee deep in her current situation, Lexa pulled at the tie, freeing up the robe.

Clarke ducked her head, the robe effortlessly falling to the floor as the blonde came within inches of her. "I'll try not to let that go to my head..." Clarke murmured with a smile, eyes head tilting so the blonde was peering up through her lashes. "So...is this goodnight, then?"

With the intensity of Clarke's inquisitive gaze, her grace, her beauty, here mere presence, it was hard not to feel staggered. There was no strength in this, Lexa knew. Her lungs tighter and constrained, her throat constricted, her limbs increasingly fatigued, her head swimming as the most mundane and selfish thoughts ran rampant.

It had been so long since she had felt so overwhelmingly weak, so perhaps that's why one of her sluggish arms reached out, hand cupping the blonde's cheek, her already sagging body dipping forward to draw Clarke into a kiss.

At the press of their lips, as the gentle pressure of Clarke's matched her own in the languid kiss that threatened to have her legs collapsing, Lexa's mind was suddenly light and weightless. The rest of her body may have been on the verge of failure, heart screaming against her ribs and finders trembling against Clarke's cheek, but where fear and weakness had saturated her thoughts before, nothing remained.

Clarke's head tilted slightly, a pale hand cupping her elbow enough for Lexa to remain upright, the mere shred of support fueling her body with vitality and purpose, letting her free hand grasp at the blonde's waist and tug her closer until they were skin to skin. Lexa let her nose trail against Clarke's, the briefest moment of separation between their lips jolting her with a sense of loss that was only relieved when Clarke edged forward to kiss her again.

Which, in turn, startled that weakness and fear back into overdrive; needing Clarke's touch to feel stable and strong again was not what she'd signed up for. She'd wanted to escalate their affection and flirting, she'd wanted to cap off her birthday with something _nice_ , not something that resonated deep inside of her and rattled the skeletons in her closet. Something that could linger inside of her for who knew how long.

Whether it was impeccable timing, or Clarke recognizing the slight shift in her posture, the blonde began pulling back, each increase of distance purchased with a fluttering of kisses across her lips, her chin, her jaw. It was after one last kiss to her nose that Clarke took a step back, the hand on Lexa's elbow shifting down to lightly entwine with her hand.

"Goodnight, Lexa. Happy Birthday." Clarke whispered with a shy smile that arrested her, at least until Clarke had stepped away enough to have to tug Lexa closer en route to the bed.

Lexa's gaze held as Clarke pulled back the covers of her bed and slipped beneath them, slowly scooting until the blonde was in the middle of the bed, holding the duvet up for Lexa to get in. She closed her eyes, focused on how Clarke had held her not so long ago, how safe and freeing that felt , and reached behind her back to unclasp her bra and remove it.

To Clarke's credit, the girl's eyes never for a moment left her own as Lexa took the last step and crawled into bed, the duvet gently draping over her body as Clarke let go of it. It was that connection that had Lexa shifting closer, the mantra of _'it's just one night'_ repeating in her head as she met Clarke in the middle of the bed, lifting an arm slightly in unspoken question.

"Of course, Lexa." Clarke whispered, eyes fluttering shut as Lexa reached out and pulled Clarke close, the blonde's arms snaking around her waist in turn. It'd been one thing to be held by Clarke out in the living room, with the blonde at her back. It was another to be face to face, a breath away from meeting those dangerous, seductive lips again.

Thankfully, Clarke's body heat and the comfort of her embrace eclipsed the simmering desires bouncing around Lexa's mind, all that adrenaline and energy drawn from kissing the girl in her arms melting away as Clarke hooked a leg across her hip.

It was so different than what she had been used to with Costia, who would rarely be able to sleep if she weren't on her stomach. It'd made cuddling together in bed a little difficult, not that Lexa had minded. Still, there was something a little wonderful about a prospective partner's face being the last thing she'd see before falling asleep.

Which immediately had Lexa biting back the intrusive thoughts, fear, and guilt, knowing that such a notion alone was dangerously weak. _Tomorrow...I'll deal with it all tomorrow...it'll be over tomorrow. Let's...let's just enjoy the moment...I can handle anything else tomorrow..._

Lexa was early too lost in thought to realize Clarke leaning closer momentarily, those familiar soft lips pressing and lingering at her cheek. "Shhh...sleep. I've got you tonight... you can leave those thoughts for the morning." Clarke murmured, the gentle slope of her nose grazing against Lexa's cheek. As preposterous as it was, that simple offering dulled out the concerns bouncing around in her head. At least, enough for her to close her eyes and feel her exhaustion finally come along.

"Good night, Clarke." She let out with a smile, knowing that at least for now, in that moment, even if it was fleeting, she could say she was happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp, this took a little longer to edit than I thought (15k words is a lot of material to run through), but I hope you enjoyed!  
> Thank you all so much for reading and for your support!


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this took a long time to come out. Apologies for that, but I just wasn't feeling motivated.
> 
> Initially, I was too caught up in the early episodes of the show to write. All the Polis scenes had me thinking more about lore and characterization than any of my stories. But then 307 happened, and...I basically lost all motivation to write for a while.
> 
> This chapter's super long because I decided to basically rework my outline for the story to make the happier stuff come sooner, because I didn't have the heart to let the sad uncertainty stretch on and on, and I had a decision between continuing the story in a way I could stomach, or abandon it completely, so I decided to keep on going.
> 
> I hope you enjoy

It was the softest brush of skin against her cheek that edged her out of the firm grasp of slumber, a vague but growing sense of awareness letting her know that she was both very warm and very trapped. First, it registered solely as a firm weight; the presence of limbs coiled around her body, as if to tenderly embrace every square inch of her, was something she recognized in the serene seconds that followed.

_Lexa..._ she recalled with a content smile as what she guessed was a nose brushed against her cheek again, a warm puff of air washing against the corner of her jaw. _Guess she really didn't sneak away, after all..._

Clarke willed her eyes to open, her pupils adjusting to the darkness quickly enough to make out the side of Lexa's face. She didn't usually see such serenity on the girl, and took a few quiet moments to fully appreciate how peaceful and beautiful her sleeping bedmate was.

Still, a quick glance at her clock revealed it was time to wake up. So, with immense effort and patience, Clarke managed to slink herself out of Lexa's grasp in only a few minutes' time. Everything pounding away in her heart yearned to press the softest of kisses to Lexa's face, wanting to steal away just a few more moments before their illusion shattered and fell away.

_No, I had my chance last night, and I pressed hard enough then. Today's a new day, and I can't just pretend it's not. I can't pretend she'll see me the same way she did last night. I'll just...have to let that kiss be enough..._ She mused with a shake of her head as she left the bed and padded into the bathroom to start her morning routine. An abbreviated one, knowing she'd need to take a day off to get her head straight enough to handle work, so she could afford some laziness.

It wasn't surprising at all that Lexa was still fast asleep when Clarke exited the bathroom, freshly showered and dressed. What was surprising was that the brunette had taken to clutching Clarke's pillow, Lexa's slumber having taken a turn for the restless.

The last thing Clarke wanted was for Lexa to wake up all troubled and off-kilter, so she scrapped her more elaborate breakfast plans and decided on something simpler and quicker to make. She didn't keep her fridge stocked with much, but she had enough to make some breakfast smoothies, and she had some homemade granola bars wrapped up in there as well.

Clarke felt thankful for the level of insulation and soundproofing in her condo, knowing it was unlikely the sleeping girl would wake from the brief whirring of her blender. She made quick work of her own smoothie, pouring it in a tall glass while emptying Lexa's in a thermos to keep hers cool in case it took time to wake her.

Carefully and quietly, she made her way back to the bedroom and sat their food on her nightstand before getting back into bed. Lexa was clutching the pillow hard against her, brow furrowed as the girl shifted restlessly in her sleep, letting out the occasional sound that made Clarke aware that whatever dream Lexa was having, it wasn't a happy one. _Maybe...maybe if I sit in beside her, and wake her that way, it'll help? She doesn't look comfortable..._

As gently as she could, Clarke managed to wrest the pillow free from Lexa's grasp, only to startle at the sight of fresh tears traversing her bedmate's suddenly distraught face, body shuddering and lazily trying to find the comfort Clarke had taken from her.

In a single smooth motion, the pillow was placed behind her as a backrest, and she'd closed the distance, pulling Lexa's arms around her body, immediately stilling the sleeping girl. A soft, content sigh escaped Lexa, the brunette curling up against her and burying her face in the blonde's chest.

Maybe it was selfish, and maybe it was wrong to feel happy about how willing Lexa was to hold her in her sleep, but when her time with the brunette was quickly running out, she was all too willing to cherish those last few moments. Sipping away at her smoothie with Lexa snuggled up against her was simply a pleasure she couldn't deny herself.

_Because this could be it for us...and since she hasn't woken yet, it's not technically tomorrow...she doesn't have to deal with anything, yet. She...Lexa wanted to hold me when we went to bed, she'd be okay with this, right? I think so..._ Clarke willed herself to believe, placing her finished cup on her nightstand, knowing she was running out of time.

Lexa twitched in her arms and let out a groan, drawing her attention. Clarke rubbed a hand down the brunette's back, lifting her other hand to gently run through Lexa's silky smooth chestnut locks. Her digits brushed across those gorgeous high cheekbones, the pad of her thumb caressing her bedmate's delightfully smooth skin. She drank in each moment touching Lexa like that, knowing each brush of the cheek could be her last.

Though meant to comfort and calm, her affections weren't stilling the sleeping girl's restlessness, so Clarke put a little space between them and shuffled down a bit. Her lip stung from the pressure of her teeth as Lexa clung hard to her, clearly not happy with the idea of her warm body leaving, even if Clarke wasn't planning on it.

"Shhh...hey, it's okay. You're okay..." Clarke murmured as she slipped down on the bed, face to face with the brunette, still applying a soft caress to the girl's cheek, brushing away the remnants of fallen tears, hoping to at least calm Lexa before she woke. Thankfully, the sound of her voice seemed to help her bedmate calm more and more by the second, re-establishing the light, comfortable embrace Clarke had woken up to.

Which, while wonderful, just reminded her that if she took much longer, she'd end up late for meeting with Anya. And as much as she loved the simple pleasure of lying in bed with Lexa, she knew that she had a lot to go over with Anya, and any abnormal delay would cause more worry than Clarke could stomach inflicting.

Clarke added the slightest bit more pressure to her touches, deciding to wake Lexa now and get them both on their way, knowing she had a walk to get to, and Lexa would want to get home soon. "Lexa...Lexa, wake up, you snooze monster. Open those pretty eyes for me..." She whispered with a smile, the brunette's eyelashes fluttering a bit in protest before those emerald eyes were squinting back at her, all groggy and far too cute. Made it impossible to keep from gracing that beautiful face with her touch a few more times. "Hey, good morning. How'd you sleep?"

Lexa stared blearily at her, eyes fighting to focus and lips forming a disgruntled pout before the girl let out a grunt. "Morning. Tired." The girl noted gruffly, head angling ever so slightly into her touch.

Clarke couldn't help but laugh, having heard that Lexa wasn't much of a morning person before a certain hour. There in her arms, clearly a bit grumpy over having her sleep disturbed, it had Clarke's heart aching at the thought that maybe she wouldn't experience this again.

"Sorry. I'm leaving in a few, and I wanted to make sure you had some breakfast before I left. I made you a smoothie, it's on the nightstand." Clarke murmured, not wanting to speak too loudly and disturb the slowly sobering girl in her arms, but also wanting to try and establish a bit of distance.

After all, their time was up, now. Their Cinderella story was over, and she'd have to run off, but the difference was that Lexa probably wouldn't go after her. There wouldn't be any mystery, no glass slipper, no search, no fairy tale ending. She'd loved the movies growing up, but Clarke was pretty sure those kinds of things didn't exist. If they did, they certainly didn't happen to girls like her.

By the growing tension in Lexa's body, she knew they were both aware of it. That last night would be a one-off, a shared moment of comfort and calm, and nothing more. _But what a night it was..._

At Lexa's slow nod and loosening grip, she continued, just about every cell in her body being fueled with the sudden urge to just finish it and get on her way so she could breathe. "If you don't like it, feel free to anything in my kitchen, I don't mind. You're welcome to stay as long as you want to, just use the lock on the doorknob when you go, okay?"

Lexa's arms retracted, quickly if tactfully. Not quite like she'd been burned, but definitely with a sense of urgency that had Clarke's stomach churning. "Of course, Clarke." Her bedmate's response was swift, eyes averting to the small space between them, gaze nearly intense enough to burn a hole in her mattress.

Clarke swallowed her despair alongside the rejection and moved to sit up, no longer having the excuse of Lexa's arms to keep her there. Still, that selfish part of her that was urging her to stay, to try and make something from last night, it had her crossing that distance and pressing the briefest of kisses to Lexa's cheek. It wasn't much, but it seemed safe enough, a fitting punctuation for their time together, and it did manage to regain the girl's attention.

"I have to go meet up with Anya, so for now...may we meet again." Clarke let out, barely allowing herself a second more with Lexa in her sights before leaving the bed, grabbing her bag, and heading out of her condo.

As much as she wanted to stay, that apartment would always be a reminder of her past and what she's lost. Lexa's presence there only seemed fitting in that context.

The open air outside her condo building lacked the usual sharp sting of the early morning chill, not allowing her even a momentary distraction from the feeling that she'd need to put more than physical distance between herself and Lexa if she wanted to move on.

There'd be time for that, though. And, hopefully, Anya would be there to help.

* * *

In was uncharacteristically warm for a late December morning, the wind calm enough to barely register, the air barely holding any bite at all as it held steady just below freezing. Anya didn't really even need her bulky winter coat, but weather could be unpredictable, and she wasn't sure how long her morning walk with Clarke would last.

Truth be told, she barely slept a wink all night, even after Clarke had checked in with her, telling her Lexa had come back, that they were setting up to watch TV, and that things seemed to be alright. Sleep still hadn't come to her when Clarke messaged her hours later that they were prepping for bed, and that she was looking forward to seeing her come the morning.

The whole night had been a blur of nerves and worries basically from the moment Clarke called her and onward. Clarke had barely gotten out a handful of syllables before Anya could tell her friend was crying and in a panic, and increasingly desperate. When the initial edge to the words fell away to Clarke pleading with her, and full-on disclosing her work and the fact that Lexa had inexplicably and inadvertently been a client? Anya was sure her body didn't stop shaking until well past three, the storm of consequences and issues it'd cause keeping sleep at the edges of her mind. Well, that and planning the demise of two of her fellow teammates.

She knew when Lexa tended to wake up, and made sure she was out of the dorm room before her little one returned, knowing that Lexa tended to need a bit of time alone to wrap her head around things at the start. Anya would return later, and offer all the support Lexa needed, but for now, she knew Lexa needed to be alone, and Clarke needed her, so showing up fifteen minutes early at the coffee shop, where Clarke had asked to meet, was an easy decision.

At the very least, it gave her time to consider what the blonde might bring up. Clarke, after all, had made her work explicitly clear now. She'd asserted that Lexa had been sent to her, a place where Clarke could apparently watch television, move furniture around, and stay overnight. Clarke had been vague about what exactly had happened, as well, across all those hours between her phone call and her goodnight text.

It all had Anya on edge, teetering from her heels to the balls of her feet over and over outside of the shop, which annoyed her. Anya Pine did not fidget. _And yet..._

"Anya!" Clarke's voiced reached her ears, pivoting her in the direction of the blonde, who moved from a brisk walk to a jog when their eyes met. She didn't have much time to gauge her friend's appearance, only noticing that Clarke looked fairly well rested before the girl practically tackled her into a hug, the building behind them the only reason they didn't tumble to the ground from the impact.

Her arms went around the younger blonde on instinct as Clarke squeezed her tightly. It wasn't rare that they'd hug, but the intensity of it was unusual, and it stretched on for full seconds longer than others in the past, so by the time Clarke pulled away with a sheepish smile, Anya was doubly worried.

"Is everything okay?" She asked, searching Clarke's face for any answers. No red-rimmed eyes, so no crying, at least. Clarke's left eye wasn't doing that twitchy thing it did when the blonde was overtired, so that was a plus, as well, given how few hours of sleep the girl must have had. However, she couldn't quite read Clarke's expression for a lead, and that was disconcerting.

"I don't know, I guess we'll have to wait and see. But you're here...so even if it's not, it will be." Clarke noted with a casual sense of certainty, staring up at her with all the softness in the world, all red-cheeked with a bit of hope glimmering in her eyes. Perhaps it was how unexpected the words were that had Anya feeling her throat clench a bit, eyes stinging with the threat of oncoming tears from Clarke's admission.

She blinked away any wetness and let herself smile, the rush of pride and adoration flooding her body. "We'll make sure it will, I promise." She said as she pulled Clarke closer and into another hug. "I apologize for my manners...good morning, Clarke."

"Morning, Anya." Clarke offered warmly in return as they separated, clear blue eyes scanning her thoughtfully as a frown formed on the girl's lips. "You didn't get enough sleep. Why don't we grab some coffee and relax back at my place? I think this is more of a sit down talk, anyways."

Anya knew she'd be getting plenty of exercise later in the day at practice, and she really could use some added rest, even if it was partially spent on uncomfortable car seating. With a nod, they entered the cafe, got their orders, and were soon on their way back to Clarke's car.

They walked in amicable silence, as they tended to more often than not, but with the amount of questions bubbling inside of her, it was hard to keep from blurting any of them out. She felt fortunate that when one did, it wasn't anything too intrusive. "Had Lexa left by the time you were gone?"

Clarke shook her head, a small restrained smile blooming on her lips. "I woke her up just before I left. I don't think she set her phone alarm, and I didn't want her to sleep in, knowing she'd probably want to get back home."

Anya nodded and sipped her drink, knowing that as much as she liked the prospect of Lexa getting a good night's sleep, her little one would probably freak out about sleeping in, and would wrestle with herself over what that might mean, if anything. Lexa didn't need that, so she was happy Clarke had made that call.

"Does she have to check out?" Anya asked, trying to gauge whether or not Clarke had used a hotel, knowing guests usually needed to be signed in.

"Nah, I talked to my security guy, Nyko, on the way out. He'll sign Lexa out when she comes down to the lobby, he's good like that." Clarke answered with a smile before guzzling down a good portion of her drink, as usual.

The thought of Clarke having security set Anya awash with relief she hadn't known she'd needed until then, suddenly feeling much more comfortable with Clarke's working conditions. "You have a bodyguard?"

Clarke's laughter diminished her newfound confidence, but only slightly. "Nyko's the evening shift security guy at my condo."

Anya willed herself not to do a spit-take at the revelation, forcing the hot drink down her throat before considering Clarke's words fully. It certainly made sense of why Clarke was moving furniture last night, and it brought clarity to what her friend had told her weeks and weeks ago.

"Nyko...are you talking about your family friend, Jason, who you mentioned works security?" She asked, feeling a little relief at Clarke's nod.

"Yeah, I call him Nyko for short, like my dad used to. But to soothe any worries, and pre-empt your inevitable interrogation, he's Jason Panyko. Ex-marine who spent nine years in active duty, and was honorably discharged. He's in his mid-thirties, married, and has a daughter who I've babysat in the past, and he's full time security and a part time volunteer firefighter. Anything else you want to ask about?" Clarke listed off before shooting her a knowing grin, and okay, perhaps she would have drilled Clarke for details on the way back to the blonde's place.

"Nothing too pressing...for now." Anya declared as she got into the passenger side of the SUV, waiting for Clarke to get in before continuing. "Does he know what you do?"

Clarke stored her coffee cup in the holder, started her vehicle, and checked her mirrors before answering. "No, he thinks I'm having an adventurous freshman year. He's a burly, intimidating-looking guy, though, and since people have to sign in and have him let them up to my floor, it keeps folks honest and on their best behaviour."

Anya fought to hold her poker face, willing to keep her lips from curling into a smile at the thought of someone scaring Clarke's clients towards decent behaviour. She wouldn't openly admit it, but it felt good knowing someone was watching out for her sky girl.

Any worked at finishing her drink and warming up while Clarke drove, but when the blonde took a turn onto a street that definitely didn't lead into BC's campus, she couldn't help but make note of it. "I thought you were taking me back to your place."

Clarke's teasing grin spiked her annoyance when it was the only response she was given for nearly half a minute. She was about to push for an answer when Clarke pulled into the parking lot of a tall and rather nice looking high rise. "I told you I'd take you back to my place. I didn't say my dorm."

Anya gave the blonde a light shove and shook her head as Clarke laughed. "Could have warned me. I don't suppose I'll get to meet this Nyko today?"

"He got stuck on an overnight for once, and his shift ends in an hour, so he should be around." The blonde noted as she shut the car off and grabbed her drink. "Ready?"

Anya nodded, grabbed her drink, and got out, a beep sounding off behind them signalling the doors were locked as they headed up to the building and into the foyer. It was a nice place, with marble floors and a security desk straight ahead. She allowed herself a nod of approval at the man, who was definitely burly, bearded, and wore a messy mohawk. The man looked like he'd be more at home at a biker bar than at a nice condo building, and she felt infinitely satisfied about him, especially when his eyes lit up at the sight of Clarke.

"Hey, back so soon? Don't tell me you forgot your key again." The man spoke, leaning forward on his desk and smiling brightly at the both of them.

"You gotta give me a break, Nyko. It's only been five times." Clarke countered with playful exasperation, both Anya and the security guard rolling her eyes at her words. "But no, we're just here to enjoy one of our last free mornings before school starts up again. Nyko, this is Anya Pine, a close friend of mine. Anya, this is Jason, my dad's best friend."

The man reached out for a handshake and Anya quickly accepted, appreciating his firm grip. "Nice to meet you. A friend of Clarke is a friend of mine." The man noted jovially before narrowing his eyes at her with a thoughtful look. "You don't happen to play hockey, too?"

Anya cocked her head to the side, knowing it wasn't often she was ever recognized in public for that. "I do, for Northeastern. I captain the Huskies."

"I thought I recognized you somewhere. I've done my best to catch Clarke's games here in Boston, your school made you out to be a pretty big deal, and you didn't disappoint. Can't say I've seen passing like that in a long time. Just wish you played for the right team." The man joked, and she couldn't help but feel a little pride at the compliment. It was nice for her hard work to be recognized.

"Clarke's more than aware that I plan to crush her in the upcoming home and home series, but I'll certainly do my best to ensure my passing burns her Eagles." She shot back with a grin, eyes darting to the girl in question, who was staring unimpressed at her.

Clarke let out a heavy sigh and shifted her focus back to Nyko. " _Anyway_...I just want you to know that if Anya ever stops by, you have my ongoing permission to let her up. Any time of the day, even if I'm not home."

Anya had lost track of how many times she'd been surprised this morning, and just let her heart swell at the offer. Once upon a time, she'd offered her dorm room floor to Clarke, and the blonde had been seemingly appreciative of it, even if she really hadn't meant to offer it. Weeks later, and Clarke was opening her home to Anya, in turn. It was almost shocking and overwhelming enough to not notice Nyko posturing up and assessing her with a bit of dramatic sternness. Almost.

"Duly noted. But since Jake can't be here, let me say on his behalf...Clarke's a special lady. She deserves the best, and that's what she's gonna get. That's what I expect from you. Now, if I hear even a _word_ about you making her cry..." Nyko started, clearly giving an abbreviated version of the whole _'what are your intentions with Clarke_ ' talk, and clearly ignoring Clarke facepalming and muttering _'oh my god_ ' into her hand over and over.

"I appreciate your concern..." Anya shot in, earning a warning glare from the man. "...but I'm not dating her. Clarke here is my best friend. Trust me...you have the all-clear from me to bear down on any potential date of hers. She's family."

She watched the man's cheeks bloom red, his gaze shooting off to find Clarke's exasperated blues. "Ah...sorry for jumping the gun there, ladies."

"It's okay, Nyko. I know you're just looking out for me, and I think you won some points with Anya, so I'll just...shake off my embarrassment in the elevator." Clarke stated, face just as amusingly red as Nyko's; honestly, Anya couldn't help but hope that if Clarke and her little one got together, Clarke would witness Lexa's interrogation as well.

"Right, well, sorry again. I'll let you both on up." Nyko asserted, leading them to the elevator and getting them all set up. "Have a good morning, you two."

"Thanks, Nyko. Say hi to the family for me." Clarke added just before the elevator doors closed and they started their ascent.

It wasn't long before they were stepping out into a relatively short hallway containing maybe six units, Clarke leading her down the hall to one of the end ones and unlocking it. "Home, sweet home."

Anya could hazard a guess that the place wasn't often lived in from first glance, the condo void of pictures and other personal memorabilia. She supposed it'd make for a good work environment, but it sure didn't look like a home.

However, seeing the mess of pillows and couch cushions and blankets in the living room did soften the feel of the place. Her mind shot back to that phone call with Clarke, now knowing what the blonde had been doing, moving things around so much. _A cuddle pile, Clarke?_ She mused to herself, taking in the sight of the fireplace and the slew of candles littering the shelves, coffee table, book cases, and mantle. _Oh, Lexa would have loved this...and her boots are gone, so I guess she went home..._

Clarke slipped off her winter wear and quickly got to re-arranging the couch and coffee table; apparently the girl was up for letting a bit of the previous night's mess stick around to be cleaned up later, what with Clarke plopping down on the couch and patting the space beside her.

Anya was happy to follow suit after removing her coat and boots, Clarke immediately curling up beside her and resting that blonde head on her shoulder. Anya leaned into Clarke's weight and wrapped an arm around her friend's waist and settled in, enjoying the heavenly comfortable couch and Clarke's relaxing warmth.

"So I'm your best friend, now? I'm family?" Clarke murmured, Anya not needing a clear look at the blonde's face to see there was a teasing grin to match her tone.

"You're the closest friend I've had in a very long time, Clarke. It...just seemed fitting to call you my best friend. And that makes you family, in my eyes. I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable." Anya apologized, knowing that Clarke had filled her heart to the brim with some wonderful emotions, and they'd spilled out a bit down in the lobby.

"No, no, I'm not freaked out or anything, trust me. It actually feels pretty amazing. I'm just kind of miffed that I didn't get to say what I wanted to say first." Clarke clarified to Anya's relief, and that caught her attention, because Clarke had certainly said a lot so far that morning, a lot of which had Anya feeling pretty special. She couldn't imagine what Clarke had been holding back.

"Which is...?" She probed, not at all sure what her friend could have on her mind.

Clarke swallowed hard and tightened her hold on Anya's arm, cuddling closer. "When I called you the first time last night, I was scared and desperate. And I think I scared you, too, and even through my panic you helped me calm down, and you were there for me and..." Clarke started, not at all inaccurate in saying she'd been scared. Anya had, for those few brief moments, been terrified something bad had happened to one or both of Clarke and Lexa. All she'd been able to focus on was Clarke sounding tremendously upset and speaking Lexa's name. "...And you accepted me. You let me know I wasn't alone. You gave me strength, and you gave me hope, and I love you so much for that."

Suddenly, there wasn't enough oxygen in the room to breathe the air that carried those words to her ears. It was all too heavy, and her throat wasn't cooperating, and her heart was thudding erratically, and nothing could stop the storm of tears swelling in her eyes now.

Letting out the last of the air in her lungs with a shaky sigh, Anya buried her emotions in Clarke's hair and held her close, halfway wishing she didn't have practice and could instead just relax together with her best friend. "Oh, my sky girl, I love you too." Anya murmured, pressing a breathless kiss to the blonde's crown. "But you have to stop making me cry, it's bad for my image."

"Sorry, I don't make the rules." Clarke let out with an airy laugh. "Besides, you've got intimidation in spades. Anyone who's seen you training knows you're badass. It's just some of us know the state secret that you're a literal marshmallow."

Anya rolled her eyes at the assertion and leaned away enough to wipe her tears and throw her best intimidating glare at the blonde. "Clarke, I will suplex you."

Even at her slightly playful threat, Clarke was still smiling widely, all bright eyed and pink cheeked like she'd just won something special. Which may or may not have reduced Anya's insides to goo. "Nope. You _looove_ me too much." Clarke practically laughed out the words, and while they might have been entirely true, she didn't have to give the blonde a total and utter victory.

"You underestimate my love for suplexes." She retorted with a grin as she pulled Clarke closer once more. "You're lucky I'm choosing to rest with you instead, really."

"Mmhmm. Rest sounds like a great idea." Clarke noted joyfully, Anya letting the blonde shift them around a bit so they were nestled in the corner of the sofa, Clarke resting in her arms.

"So, have you invited anyone else into your inner sanctum?" Anya asked, partly in jest, partly curious as to whether Lexa had been the first to discover Clarke's secret hideaway.

"O and Raven slept over the other night." Clarke answered, bringing a smile to Anya's face. It was good to know Clarke wasn't always alone when she was here; the condo seemed like it could use an injection of life, and she knew those two could certainly manage that. "She sings about you in the shower, you know." The blonde added with a laugh, which might have had some warmth pooling in her cheeks. And maybe she shook a hand in Clarke's hair as payback.

"Raven does _not_ sing about me in the shower..." Anya insisted over Clarke's laughter, the younger blonde doing her best to fix her hair, though the fact that Clarke hadn't recanted her words after a few extra seconds had her wondering. "...does she?"

"Mmhm. Even changed the lyrics a bit to make it seriously gay. If I didn't love you two so much, I'd probably be grossed out at how much of a sappy corndog she is about you." Clarke murmured, sending Anya's teeth nearly through her lip from her efforts in tamping down on the sheer glee her words inspired. She and Raven had only been out on two official dates, but they Skyped once a day, and the more time they spent together, the more willing she was to accept that she'd find ways to fit the other woman into her life. Raven made her happy, and that was worth working for and holding onto. "Hell, bribe Octavia and she'll give you the recording."

The mere notion of Raven singing some sappy song about her in the shower was enough to make her blush. The fact that a recording existed, well, it just meant that Anya would have to get her hands on it. She was pretty sure she knew how to get Octavia to hand it over.

"I'll definitely see about that." She noted as Clarke cuddled a little closer, having given up on fixing her hair for the time being. Between the gloriously cushiony sofa, and the soft and warm body wrapped around her, Anya was supremely relaxed. Yet, it also had Anya wondering if this is where Lexa had camped out last night. She spotted a discarded blanket on the floor, but it was a fair ways away from the sofa, and Lexa wasn't usually so messy.

"So, tell me about last night...did Lexa sleep out here with all the pillows? I'm pretty sure all the candles would have made her feel right at home." Anya asked, finding it amusing just how many candles were scattered around the room. _Mood lighting, I imagine, but still...I'm sure Lexa appreciated it. I know she always wants to litter the dorm with candles, but I used my veto on that, just like she vetoed my stereo..._

"She likes candles, too? Hmm, good to know. But no, she slept with me." Clarke stated casually, as if it wasn't some utterly shocking bit of information that had Anya's mental faculties reeling. She honestly hadn't even considered the prospect of the two shacking up, given Lexa's intimacy issues. Clarke seemed to notice her tensing up and angled her head up to meet her stunned gaze with exasperated blue eyes. "Not...we didn't have _sex_! We just...we slept in the same bed."

Anya barely registered her own sigh of relief, knowing that sex would have made for a catastrophic morning for her little one back at their dorm. Still, even sleeping in the same bed was a kind of escalation she hadn't at all predicted. "I'll never underestimate you again, Clarke Griffin. I can't believe you managed to convince her."

"It wasn't hard. She had a long night." Clarke let out, neither sentence making much sense. The past month, Lexa had been trying to avoid Clarke to the best of her ability, and even the moments spent together were filled with a boatload of tension and guilt.

Anya couldn't fathom it not being difficult to convince Lexa, and she couldn't imagine her cousin having a difficult night when Clarke was the one who had been exposed. "Clarke, she found out about you, and you practically had a panic attack on the phone when you called me. _She_ had a long night?"

"She told me about Costia." Clarke whispered lowly, the five words making her lungs feel like they were full of embers, searing a ring around her heart and burning away her ability to breathe.

Costia had been taboo for a long time. Lexa only ever talked to Anya about her ex-girlfriend, and only sparingly, and certainly not without a torrent of tears and anguish. Knowing Lexa had put herself through that emotional gauntlet, knowing she hadn't been there for her little one, it felt like she'd been stabbed. _She talked...she...okay...okay, focus. Focus...clearly, Clarke comforted her. They slept together, after all, so she must have...she must have...so Lexa wasn't alone..._

"How much?" Anya probed, unsure if she was ready to hear the answer; a part of her had loved being the sole rock Lexa could go to for comfort and support. A larger part, however, loved that Lexa had managed the courage to branch out, and loved that Clarke had been there for her little one.

"Not a lot. She started off with some details, and gave a stripped down version of the basics when it got a little much for her to handle." Clarke stated, voice thick as the younger blonde ducked her head under Anya's chin, hugging her a little closer. "I had no idea she was carrying so much pain and...and _guilt_. God, I can't even imagine, and I didn't know what I could say or do to make any of it better. I just..."

Anya listened to Clarke's words trail off into a sad sigh. She had never been a tremendously patient person, and that certainly held true right then, though she did manage to keep from physically poking her friend. "You what?"

The gentle rise and fall of Clarke's shoulders let her know that whatever went down last night, Clarke wasn't sure she'd managed to help enough. Which might have had Anya a little on edge, at least until more words spilled out. "I held her. I didn't know what to do, so I just scooted behind her and wrapped her up and told her I wasn't going anywhere. I'm not really sure that was enough...she told me it was okay, but I just wasn't sure, with how quiet she was for the next hour or so. She might have just been putting on a brave face."

Anya shook her head, heart feeling overfull from Clarke's confession. "Oh, she's not able to hide herself when she's talking about Costia, Clarke. She's a bad liar on her best day. If she said she was happy with you holding her, then she was happy. Don't worry...after all, you said she slept with you?"

"Yeah. I'm just worried. She usually kind of falls into me and then flinches once she realizes how close she gets, and that didn't really happen much last night. The only other time she pulled away was after she kissed me, and..." Clarke started, and while Anya had been nodding along, knowing Lexa tended to get close and then pull away, with the pattern repeating, she couldn't help but rear up a bit at the casual, off-hand admission.

"You kissed?! Lexa kissed _you_?" Anya pressed, needing full confirmation, because this would be new territory. This would potentially mean Lexa could be entirely out of her depth back home.

"You make it sound like it's unbelievable." Clarke groused, perhaps rightfully put off by her tone, but it was just a pretty major shock. Lexa freaked out about holding Clarke's hand, Anya couldn't imagine what a kiss could cause.

"It's just fast, Clarke. It's hard to imagine her just doing that out of the blue." Anya clarified, hoping the younger blonde would understand her concern and minor disbelief at how the two girls had collectively escalated matters between them so quickly. _A few hours alone together and all those walls fall away...at that rate, if I got them alone for a weekend, they could end up eloping before stopping to think..._

Clarke turned over, wiggled out of Anya's grasp, and sat back on her heels facing her. "I mean...I guess. But it wasn't out of nowhere, it all kind of just built up to it. Even before her freakout, we'd had a glass of wine, a birthday cupcake, and a massage. And after she came back, we cuddled for hours after her talk, she fed me hand to mouth, and maybe I was a little affectionate, you know? Things were intimate."

Anya offered a nod, taking in the string of events with a bit of confusion, and a bit of understanding. Confusion, because that sounded like a lot of hands-on contact between them, which Lexa tended to try and avoid, but she knew that when her little one succumbed to comfort, she tended to yearn for more. It wasn't entirely farfetched to think that Clarke might have managed to pass the usual threshold and keep Lexa comfortable enough to ignore her usual instincts to some extent.

"And then when we cleaned up, she told me she liked my perfume..." Clarke continued, narrowing her eyes and pouting when Anya rolled her eyes. "Hey! I like it, and _she_ likes it a _lot_ , so ha!"

"You smell _nice_ , Clarke. You just go a little overboard with it sometimes when you douse your hoodies. But with how Lexa loves the clothes you 'accidentally' leave around her bed, I suppose your gambit paid off, even if my nostrils could use a break sometimes." Anya explained, offering a reassuring smile when the blonde's expression softened. She knew Clarke had the occasional insecurity, and for some reason, that was one of them. She truly thought it was a sweet, fitting scent, Clarke just tended to spray a bit too much.

Anya chalked up Clarke's blush to hearing Lexa liked her inconspicuous offerings; Lexa, after all, had made sure to only wear the clothes when Clarke wasn't, and wouldn't be, around. "Anyways, she liked it a lot. And then she flirted with me, which was definitely new. And she...wait, is this getting TMI for you? You're kinda her parent, and all."

Anya shook her head and laughed, even if she appreciated the concern. "I'm not puritanical, Clarke. If anything, knowing Lexa like I do, it's a bit of a relief in some ways to hear about it. It sounds like progress, for once."

Clarke let out a breathy laugh and scooted forward, resting back against her chest again, legs stretching out across the sofa's length. "She flirted with me, but it was so...just straight up flattering and _sweet_. I wasn't sure she had it in her, to be honest." Clarke added, and Anya could only grin with pride at her little one's 'game' not having diminished in the slightest, apparently. She'd taught Lexa well. "And then she pulled my robe away and kissed me, and...god, can she _kiss_. Fuck."

"But she pulled away?" Anya asked, knowing it might put a damper on things, but she really did want some details, so she knew what she'd be getting into with Lexa later on.

Clarke nodded against her collarbone. "Yeah. She led for a little while, and it was great, but we had to pull up for air. She was moving to kiss me again, and I just took the initiative and closed the distance, and kissed her a little harder than before, and she kissed back for a second or so...but then she kind of froze and stopped. I wasn't sure what was going on in her head, but I know she can get that way with me, so I just...let her know I'm still here, I'm still interested, and kissed her face a bit before getting into bed." Clarke continued, letting out a low sigh, breath washing against Anya's neck.

"Honestly, I didn't want to stop, I knew this was pretty much my only sure shot at any of that with what she knows now, but it had to be her call. I kept telling her it was just one night...the world would start spinning again tomorrow, and maybe it was selfish of me to want that, and maybe I ended up pushing her to step out of her comfort zone, but...I just really like her. I knew she'd never look at me the same way, that she...she wouldn't touch me like that again, not once everything sinks in, so I took my shot. I got a good night to remember her by." Clarke rambled, the sound of a sniffle alarming Anya enough to clutch her best friend close, letting one hand comb through Clarke's hair, knowing the girl found it soothing. "I'm sorry if I just made things harder for you both, Anya. I didn't mean to."

"You don't have to apologize, Clarke. Lexa's a grown woman, she's capable of making her own decisions. And on that note, I didn't raise her to be a jackass...this might take time for her to process, but she's still the same girl from last night that kissed you." Anya reasoned, hoping some of her words would sink in past her best friend's doubts. For all of Clarke's usual bravado and lighthearted airs, it seemed she had some deep-seated worries over what others could think of her.

Well, as far as Anya was concerned, Clarke Griffin was entirely lovable, and she was pretty damn sure Lexa was on a similar enough wavelength. If she had to work those waves, and get the both of them on the same boat, then that's what she'd do. Before last night, Clarke was someone who could consistently get past Lexa's walls and make her smile. That her little one had gotten up the courage to flirt, touch, and kiss Clarke was only further proof that she was helping Lexa move on from her past.

And Lexa apparently made Clarke feel deep enough to agonize over whether she'd been selfish to try and make some nice memories with her. Well, perhaps she'd have to do a little meddling to ensure the both of them got what they wanted.

"Leave Lexa to me, I promise we'll be fine." Anya noted with confidence, pressing a kiss to the blonde's forehead. "You, though, had a tough night, too. I made an educated guess way back that day you came to me, but I know now, and I'm saying again...you can always come to me. I'll always be here, and even if your work scares the shit out of me, I'll always have your back. Whether that's an ear to hear you out, a shoulder to cry on, or a contact for a hired assassin, you have me. Okay?"

Clarke laughed against her collarbone, but nodded all the same. "You're the most lovable and dangerously connected marshmallow, Anya." Clarke asserted, earning an involuntary, but entirely deserved huff. Anya Pine was not a marshmallow. "But...since you know, and we're here, I guess I should fill you in. I'm sure you're curious about everything."

Now, it wasn't like she had been obsessing over Clarke's work, and her familial tension, and all that. A few late nights brainstorming possibilities and maybe downing some liquor in order to handle some of those stormy thoughts, well, that was fairly normal. But perhaps she was a little curious.

"Only if you're comfortable telling me, Clarke. It can always wait, and you don't need to feel obliged." Anya offered, even if she really did want to hear it all right now, so that she could stop having those late night worryathons.

"I'm ready...I am. I just need you to promise me one thing." Clarke stated quietly, which seemed simple enough.

Fairly certain she could provide whatever her best friend needed, Anya nodded along. "Of course, anything."

"Promise me you won't get homicidal." Clarke asked with a bit of hesitation drawing out that last word.

It was probably the worst thing for Clarke to ask. Even as she nodded and offered some mindless affirmative declaration, Anya could feel her fury brewing inside of her. Clarke would only ask that of her if there was a reason to be homicidal.

This did not bode well.

* * *

"Again!"

Lexa shook her head wearily at Anya's relentless fury and willed her body to sprint across the ice to the opposing red line and back again, for probably the twentieth time that practice. She'd already taken part in a two hour long practice session from Indra, but Lexa still had a bit of gas left in her tank.

Apparently, Anya thought most of the team was out of shape, and they needed some more conditioning drills, but at this point, Lexa was about ready to throw in the towel, and she was pretty sure both Echo and Sienne were on the verge of death.

At the very least, it helped keep her attention where it needed to be, not having any energy to spare on what had gone down the previous night. Still, the human body had limits, and she was quickly approaching her own.

Lexa felt like her body was falling apart, but she willed herself across the ice another time, one stride after the other. Her legs were too tired to reach a speed where she could glide effortlessly, each motion a deliberate, painstaking effort to be as efficient as possible so that she'd maybe be able to walk to the exercise bikes afterwards to cool down instead of Anya having to drag her there.

As she skidded to a stop at the goal line and turned to head back, a familiar tightness bloomed in her left calf and had her mind wandering for a moment. _Maybe Clarke will come by later today and she can give me another massage with her miracle hands...god, her hands..._

The thought of the blonde had Lexa stumbling forward in her sluggish gait, thankfully managing to correct her stride and balance so she wouldn't face-plant. She could think of Clarke after getting nine more strides in; nine strides and she was home free.

Sure, she'd been delaying the inevitable all day long so far. She'd jogged home from Clarke's condo, which tired her out enough to force a nap. From there, she'd ran to practice, and had done her best to keep her mind occupied.

The moment she crossed the blue line and doubled over from fatigue, legs barely holding herself up, heaving oxygen into her lungs in hopes of catching her breath for the first time in over ten minutes, she knew she was running out of distractions.

"Adequate. Now get your asses to the bikes, and plan for a night in to rest up. I don't want anyone thinking they can slack with this New Year's Eve game coming up against Dartmouth." Anya called out a half minute later when the last of their group finally finished the task.

Lexa drifted her way off the ice and made her way to the locker room, pushing past the aches and pain saturating her limbs to change into her workout clothes. Just a short bit of time on the bikes, and she could head home and collapse into bed and hopefully be tired enough to forget the world around her.

But not five minutes into her post-practice workout, Anya parked herself in front of Lexa's bike with a bottle of their gross supplement drink in hand.

"Drink up, we've got a long evening ahead of us." Anya stated, lifting her eyebrows as Lexa took hold of the bottle and took a long sip, grimacing at the aftertaste. Though, truthfully, it wasn't remotely as uncomfortable at the immediate knowledge that Anya knew something went on last night. She hadn't come home, after all. Anya was sure to be worried, and try as she might, Lexa hadn't thought up much of a story for herself to explain her absence.

"Can't I just sleep forever when I get home?" Lexa groaned, not at all looking forward to the talk she knew Anya wanted to have with her. Who knew what, if anything, Clarke spilled to her cousin, after all? Anya had been angry all practice, after all, and she wasn't exactly sure who or what that anger was rooted in.

Anya gave a small, wry grin, the first she'd seen all day, and pulled an envelope from her bag. A very familiar envelope. _She wouldn't..._

"And if I told you we could take a detour to Bed Bath and Beyond?" Anya asked, stealing Lexa's attention with the allure of what she could find in the store, and what the 'catch' was to such a visit.

"One does not simply walk into Bed Bath and Beyond, Anya. What are you getting at?" Lexa shot back, knowing exactly what was in the envelope. She knew the promises it held, but also the danger in what Anya could be asking for.

"Up to twelve double wick or twenty four single wick candles, or a split of both. That's my deal...I scale back my veto, we have a good long talk." Anya offered, and Lexa couldn't help but feel enticed. She'd desperately missed her candles, and this opened the door to getting them back. It meant having to talk to Anya today instead of delaying it all, though, and she couldn't be sure how deep that talk would run. _But maybe some Autumn Wreath could make that a little easier..._

Lexa slowed her pace on the bike, needing to focus a bit more energy in the negotiation at the moment. "How about you let me buy as many candles as I want, but I only put out that number? You know I like switching up scents, and sometimes going scentless."

Anya's nose scrunched up in confusion. "I was counting on you switching things up. I thought we could have a handful of candles set out at any given time, though. Maybe four or five."

"No one puts out four or five candles, Anya. No one but _amateurs_. You _know_ my candle game is stronger than that." Lexa asserted, lifting her chin at the mere notion that she could stoop so low as to only set out a candle or two. Go big or go home, she figured.

Anya let out a long sigh, hand rubbing down her face in exasperation. "Okay...okay, fine. But our dorm isn't big enough for two dozen candles, Lexa. Eight or sixteen respectively, final offer. And you can buy however many you want. But if for whatever reason I'm not feeling the candles on a given day, I can put them out."

"Anya, what if..." Lexa started, only for Anya to place her hands on the handlebars of the bike and lean closer.

"No. Your lust for candles needs to be held in check. You accept a limit, or I step away, and we have the talk another day, except there won't be any candles. Your choice." Anya stated rigidly, laying down the ultimatum with a tone that let Lexa know that her cousin wasn't about to budge.

It wasn't an offer without its drawbacks, but she nodded anyways, knowing a few months of having the comfort of candles would be worth it. Candles could help provide a nice distraction, candles could help her sleep, candles could do a great many things. "Deal."

Anya simply nodded. "Good. Meet me at the car when you're done. I have some business to take care of."

Lexa bit her lip as she scanned the room for her teammates, not wanting to meet her cousin's gaze. Not with basically an admission that Anya knew. "Echo and Caris?"

"They have a debt to be paid." Anya noted flatly before turning on her heel and marching off, leaving Lexa wondering exactly what kind of debt her cousin was referring to. Financial, for putting Clarke out money? Or the kind of debt for putting Lexa in that position, and for putting her and Clarke in the way of harm? She wasn't quite sure, but she knew with certainty that Anya would work them until that red on their ledger was gone.

Lexa could only hope that she'd made the right decision as she used what was left of her will to finish her workout and keep her thoughts at bay, knowing she had a long night ahead of her.

* * *

She was about ninety percent sure her arms would fall off if she carried the bags of candles any longer, swiftly setting them down in their dorm with a heavy relieved sigh once she was far enough inside for Anya to squeeze by her. Lexa had gotten a decent haul, grabbing multiples of her favourite cold-weather scents. Lincoln would be stopping by later that evening to pick up a few dozen to be stored in his basement , given the lack of storage space in her dorm, but that gave her time to figure out what she wanted to set out.

_Maybe...maybe two double wicks and twelve singles of Autumn Wreath...or maybe Storm Watch. I always did find that one to be nice..._ Lexa mused to herself, too lost in thought to notice Anya digging through her haul.

"Huh. Peach Cobbler." Anya noted, drawing Lexa back to reality quick enough to catch her cousin take the lid off of one and take in its scent. "You know, I think I remember seeing a few of these over at Clarke's."

The mere mention of the girl's name had Lexa's heart pumping faster, her focus escalating in intensity as she watched Anya stroll over to her bed and sit down, candle in her lap. It was clearly her cousin's attempt at luring her over, but she knew Anya would keep prodding until she relented. Her body feeling particularly electric with nerves, she got up and sat down across from Anya.

"She has candles at her dorm?" Lexa asked, unsure to what extent Clarke had let Anya into her life and secrets. It seemed a little unfathomable that in the span of a single morning, Anya could know everything. That Clarke would reveal everything. Lexa was sure that if Anya knew what she knew, there'd be a lot more anger, a lot more worrying, and at least one emotional blow-up.

"Mmm, I'm not sure. Maybe." Anya let out, doing a tremendously poor job at being subtle, the words she _wasn't_ saying jumping out at Lexa as if they were in bright, flashing neon.

_She knows...oh god, she knows...how does she know?!_ Lexa mused to herself, wide-eyed in confusion, blood rushing through her body so fast it felt as if she were vibrating. "You've been to her place?"

"She took me by this morning." Anya answered casually, and Lexa felt blood rush to her cheeks, knowing the state that she left the condo in, knowing that Anya would have walked in on some very telling evidence of what happened last night.

"What the fuck..." All of a sudden, it was much too hard to breathe, her lungs feeling tinier than usual. As quickly as her sluggish body could manage, she made her way over to her bags and pulled out a candle, not caring that it was a Peach Cobbler, only caring that it could bring her some solace. A few seconds later with her lighter, the gentle aroma filled her space, letting her return to her bed, breathing a little easier, lungs straining a little less with each intake.

"She told me what happened last night, Lexa." Anya added once Lexa was settled back on her bed, those dark eyes focused on her as usual. Anya had an odd ability to see through her, see everything festering inside of her, and she mostly hated that. She hated how easy her cousin could reduce her to an emotional mess by pulling at a few threads.

Even if a good chunk of her loved the relief it brought.

"How the hell are you not freaking out?" Lexa blurted out, wincing as she cursed herself internally for letting that slip, knowing it wasn't what she'd wanted to ask.

"I've had weeks to prepare." Anya answered cryptically, her words coming across as absurd, given Lexa had barely understood anything that she'd done, anything that happened last night. A look of clarity washed over her cousin a few seconds later, Anya brushing a lock of hair behind her ear and shifting her gaze to the window. "I figured out what Clarke does a while ago. Do you remember the day of my first date with Raven?"

Lexa's memories of that day flashed into her mind. The bewildering revelation of Anya and Clarke curled up together. The jealousy that spiked through her chest at the intimacy between the both of them. The fury that fueled her brief interrogation of the blonde. Past all of that, though, was a small string of words, Clarke explaining that she'd had a hard day at work. And like a lightning bolt struck her, Lexa found herself growing stiff and upright, breathless at the understanding that Clarke had gone to Anya for comfort. Clarke had likely cried herself to sleep against her cousin over her work. Clarke had needed someone, and Anya was there. _Not me...I was the one to rake her over the coals, thinking she'd...oh my god..._

"She told you back then?!" Lexa choked out, trying to keep her body from shaking at the knowledge that Anya had known all along. That Clarke had needed someone, and she hadn't been there. _But why would she want me? I'd been terrible to her, I tried to hate her! I pushed her away, of course she'd never come to me...and why would I want that, anyway? How could I handle that, if I couldn't even handle knowing what she does for a living?_

"Not exactly. She was too emotional to lie well, and I figured it out on my own. I had plenty of time to freak out while she was napping against me and in the days since then. Trust me, it wasn't easy for me to stomach...I know it can't have been easy for you, either, little one." Anya noted softly, and maybe Lexa would have felt more reassured if it wasn't a sign that Anya was okay with it.

Which was honestly unfathomable, because how could any of it be right?

"Don't tell me you're okay with this." Lexa spoke with narrowing eyes, fingers tapping against her thighs in a repeated rhythm, needing Anya to come clean, because she knew her cousin. There was no way Anya was this calm about it all.

Anya, thankfully, shook her head. "I don't like it, no. I might have a hit man on retainer, and I might have asked her security guard to take photos of anyone sketchy who he thinks her best friend might not approve of." Anya relayed, which settled her nerves a little, knowing her cousin had at least taken some measures to respond to Clarke's work. "But she's her own woman. She makes her own decisions, and she has _good reasons_ for why she's doing what she does. She needs my support, and so I'll give it."

Lexa slumped forward, understanding Anya having a hit man ready to go, but not understanding her ultimately being supportive. At least, not without having an exit strategy. Anya had to be trying to find a way out, right? "Just like that? Anya, she fucks strangers for money! That's dangerous! That's _illegal_. That's enough to get her kicked out of hockey, okay?!"

"You don't need to tell me the dangers, little one. Believe me, I'm aware of them." Anya retorted lowly, crossing her arms and shifting her focus back to her. "Trust me, if she had another option, she'd take it. So until she does have another way, this is it. It's just a job."

Lexa tried to make sense of Anya's words, but failed. _In what world could sex work be someone's only option?_ _Isn't Clarke's mom a doctor? How is this her only option?_

"Yeah, a job where anyone could call her up and set up an appointment to fuck. Sorry if I have a hard time treating it like your average office job, or construction job, Anya." Lexa argued, drawing a hard laugh from her cousin for some reason.

"It's a service job, Lexa. Of course it's different than working in an office, so _talk_ to me. Help me understand where you're at with that." Anya pressed, Lexa wanting to shoot back that she had told her how she felt, she had told Anya where she's at with Clarke's work, but she knew her cousin wouldn't accept that. Not knowing there were some other thoughts locked away at the back of her mind.

"It's wrong, Anya. I just...I don't like it. Like...how long has she been doing this? How many people has she had sex with? How many has she kissed? How..." Lexa ranted, cutting herself off the moment she realized she was letting too much slip out from the recesses of her mind. Clarke was wrong to do what she did, and that was that. There was no use in debating exactly why, and there was no reason to talk about her and Clarke when it was fruitless.

Anya, ever observant, leaned back and sighed. "Hard to know if your kiss meant anything when she kisses a bunch of strangers every week, right?" Her cousin asked, which was ridiculous. Lexa hadn't spent any time wondering what their kiss meant. She hadn't been drawn out of her sleep by a gentle brushing of fingers against her cheek, or wondered what Clarke's warm smile and light greeting meant. She hadn't woken up tasting remnants of Clarke's peach-flavoured chapstick, either, because last night didn't count. It couldn't matter.

Clarke had made that explicitly clear, after all. _Of course_ the kiss meant nothing.

"I don't care about the kiss, Anya. Don't make this about _me_." Lexa shot back with a sharp glare that had Anya staring flatly at her.

"Lexa, this is _all_ about you. It's about you and Clarke. I know how Clarke feels. I want to know how _you_ feel, and what you're thinking." Anya let out with another sigh, putting the unlit candle in her lap aside. "You were fine enough with what she does to stay the evening with her."

"Today's a new day, and I've had time to think, and I just...I don't know how she does it." Lexa grumbled, placing her candle on her desk, feeling a distinct urge to light more. Just the thought of Clarke kissing strange men, Clarke being intimate with strange men, it had her on edge and gritting her teeth. A few more candles could only help.

Maybe she got up to light two more, placing them on her dresser this time to spread out the aroma.

Anya shifted in place, pulling her legs under her as she took hold of her pillow. "She wanted to play in the Olympics, Lexa. She wanted to go to school. She couldn't take time off...and she didn't have any help from her mom. You know how expensive school is. You know how busy our schedules are. How else can a person raise thirty in the span of a few months on top of school and hockey? It's work to her...if you figure she's thinking of anything but her future when she's with clients, you're lying to yourself."

It wasn't like Lexa couldn't understand that. She honestly could; the world could be a cold, hard place and sometimes it was necessary to approach it with cold logic and emotional distance. She'd been doing that for some time now.

However, she hadn't last night with Clarke. But the blonde, Lexa wasn't sure about Clarke. She _couldn't_ be sure about Clarke.

"Yeah, I'm sure it's _always_ work." Lexa griped as she plopped back onto her bed, wincing once again at the thought that the bed they'd slept in had surely been used countless times for just that. Work. What made last night any different? Nothing, as far as Lexa knew.

"Oh, don't get passive-aggressive with me, Lexa. You know what happened last night wasn't work." Anya asserted, sounding entirely confident. And sure, Anya had talked to Clarke, was closer to Clarke, but she hadn't been there last night.

"Do I really?" She asked, lifting a brow at her cousin.

Lexa barely dodged the pillow Anya flung at her in time. "I'm breaking friend-code here, so you'd better fucking listen." Anya started, eyebrows lifting in expectation of a response, eventually drawing a sigh and a nod from her, not particularly enjoying being on this end of her cousin's dramatics. "She lit up when she talked about kissing you, and about you liking her perfume. She was upset at the thought that her cuddling and kissing you might make you freak out. And she was...anyway, it clearly wasn't work for her."

"Caris and Echo paid for me to see her. We spent the night together, I'm sure if I asked, she would have...she would have been with me." Lexa insisted brazenly, clutching to the thought of Clarke having been detached, of it having been work, of what happened being common enough for Clarke to play it off as a one-time-thing. Suspiciously like she had done a job.

"Clarke spent last night with you because she wanted to. She wanted to kiss you. She _likes_ you, Lexa. Don't mistake that for an emotionless contract job." Anya retorted, but it wasn't enough. Clarke might have wanted to kiss her, but it wouldn't change if it was work for her.

It wouldn't change the Cinderella story, the fantasy that ended early that morning when Clarke woke and left her.

"She told me it was _one night_ , okay? That it didn't have to mean _anything_." She blurted out, sinking harder down onto the bed, hand lifting to run through her hair before she could put a stop to the motion.

Anya's sigh had Lexa shifting her gaze to the flickering flame of the candle on her desk, though it wasn't distracting enough to keep her from tracking her cousin's movement across the floor, Anya slipping in behind her, arms loosely wrapping around her waist.

"Except it _did_. And it could be _more_ than one." Anya whispered by her ear, chin resting against Lexa's shoulder, hair tickling at her cheek.

Anya's assertion wasn't entirely convincing, even if it did have her remembering how Clarke had wanted her to stay the night instead of going home. How Clarke had held her for hours, even though she didn't have to. How Clarke had held her in bed, how Clarke had kissed her back, how Clarke had been excited to spend time with her. It had all happened under the disclaimer that it didn't have to mean anything, but there was that possibility that it could.

And that both warmed her heart and terrified her enough for a cold sweat to break out across her shoulders.

"Do you _seriously_ believe that?" She asked with a bit of an edge, steadying her voice, not wanting to sound as desperate and unnerved as she was. She could handle being physically smothered by Anya, she enjoyed it even. Emotionally, that was another story.

"Does it matter?" Anya shot back, grumbling into her shoulder. The response was bewildering, and had Lexa gaping long enough for her cousin to continue on once her lack of answer became clear. "Does it matter if it meant something to her? Does it matter if she wanted more than one night? She's put the ball in your court since you entered her condo, little one. You don't get to be angry and upset with her if you don't want more."

Lexa shook her head, Anya's words cutting past her need to deflect as they painted a picture of her, one that wasn't so easy to stomach. "It's not...it's not about what I want. It's about what she decided." She stated as sincerely as she could manage with her lungs suddenly straining like she was in the middle of a damn marathon, heart thundering and skipping in her chest over where Anya was steering the conversation.

She was met with the dull thump of a pillow to the face, Anya having taken advantage of her stupor long enough to get a hold of the previously flung weapon of choice. "Maybe she said that because she's not an idiot, and she knew you'd be freaking out like this." Anya noted dryly, those arms around Lexa's waist holding a little firmer. "You're so focused on her telling you it was one night, without thinking about _why_ she was telling you that. She knows you better than you think, little one."

Her head was growing foggy with the implications her cousin was throwing out there, crushing Lexa's plausible deniability, and making the air in the room much less comforting, and a hell of a lot harder to breathe. "If she knew me so well, she wouldn't have made it seem like work." Lexa asserted breathlessly, wincing a bit at her slip that it maybe hadn't been work at all.

"Better that than the alternative." Anya let out, words Lexa met with a strained scoff, because she really didn't need her cousin digging any deeper at the moment, not when she was feeling hazy and unstable enough. Something Anya seemed perceptive enough to see through. "I'm serious, Lexa. You freaking out over this just being work for Clarke? At least it helped calm you down last night. At least you're still talking right now."

"I'm not weak, Anya. Nothing Clarke does could keep me from speaking." Lexa argued with an inferno raging in her chest, expecting another scoff, or a sigh, or a laugh before her lungs were burned to dust under the sudden strain. Instead, the chin on her shoulder dug in a tiny bit harder, Anya anchoring herself to Lexa as her cousin matched her breathing and stretched out the silence logn enough for it to almost relax her.

"Think back to how it felt with her holding you, little one. That perfume you adore so much overwhelming your senses. Her firm grip holding you close, as if she'd never let you go. The steady beat of her heart against your back, lulling you into relaxation. Everything letting you know she's here, _she's here_ , even if she's not in front of you. You can always feel her with you." Anya whispered smoothly, words dripping out slow and steady and washing over her in the shades of red that tinted her cheeks from the memories. Her heart rate slowed slightly, easing the pressure and letting enough oxygen into her lungs for a sigh to escape her over the sensory overload.

It wasn't difficult to remember, not with Anya holding her just like Clarke had. She could almost smell that Jasmine-vanilla mixture in the air, almost feel the tickle of blonde tresses at her cheek, the soft puffs of breath against her neck and shoulders. It felt like serenity pooling inside her ribcage as she breathed that memory in and let herself sink back into the embrace.

The head on her shoulder shifted, the flat of a cheek pressing against it now. "Imagine her holding you as you play those stupid videogames of yours, feeling safe and secure as you plan out galactic domination, while she watches on, wearing her headphones to revisit her lectures and study."

It felt a breath away from reality, knowing Clarke and Anya had squabbled over their morning walks continuing into the new semester, knowing Clarke's schedule would be much fuller, meaning less time to study. The blue-eyed blonde getting creative in finding time for both her and Anya on top of her studies just seemed all too possible. She could practically hear the girl's thoughtful humming as she sat there, imagining a diplomatic victory unfolding on her laptop screen, the warmth of success mixing into the heady draw of Clarke's affection and presence.

"Imagine her holding you as you relax on the couch after dinner at Lincoln's, teasing her for eating too much, but loving the comfort she takes just from you being in her arms. Imagine her arms wrapped around you like this when you're on a road trip, the warmth of a campfire nothing compared to the heat of Clarke holding you close and breathing you in like you're her home. Imagine her singing soft songs into your skin, fingers tracing promises you'd never have to hear out loud to believe. Imagine having these feelings a dozen times a day, even when you haven't seen her. Imagine days, weeks, months of this, as winter turns to spring, and spring to summer. Can you imagine, little one? Can you im..." She heard whispered relentlessly into her ear, the onslaught of fantasies and hope mixing into a deep swell of fear and heart-stopping anxiety that had Lexa surging forward, needing to get away from the mess of emotions that had tears stinging at her eyes as her nausea spiked and head swam in dizziness.

"I can't...I can't..." She let out as she struggled to remove herself from the strong arms that held her in place, knowing that overwhelming swath of pain and fear wouldn't take long to win out, and she needed to breathe. She needed to catch a goddamn breath.

The arms holding her loosened their grip for a moment, long enough for Lexa to get off her bed and turn around, needing to make sure those fantasies wouldn't crop up again, that she was far away. But all she saw when she turned was her teary-eyed cousin, looking up at her with such intense sadness that she almost turned back around again. Almost.

"Just...can we let it be, for once? You know why I can't, Anya." Lexa added once her vitals were back under her control, and her body felt remotely calm enough to speak without giving away how fraught with nerves she was.

"That's the thing, little one...I don't know. I used to think I did, but...look, Clarke's in Boston for the long haul. She's set down roots here, and she's not going anywhere. She likes you...she listens to you, and she gets you to open up in a way that's like seeing you in sophomore year of high school again, if just for a few minutes at a time. I've seen you become more relaxed and accepting of what you have with her, and you're clearly comfortable enough with her to be intimate." Anya argued, that last bit drawing a blush to Lexa's cheeks, not particularly enjoying the notion of discussing intimacy with her cousin in that way, not with their history. "So tell me, what's the deal, here?"

"Just let it go, Anya. You wouldn't understand." Lexa shot back with as much certainty as she could muster at the moment, hoping she could convince Anya to back off. Usually, her cousin would leave her be, not wanting to rock the boat or cause any episodes.

Today just wasn't an ordinary day, apparently.

"My capacity to know you and love you is damn near infinite, Lexa. We both know you could be happy with her, and all I want is for you to be happy, so please...tell me why this can't work." Anya let out, running a hand through her hair in clear frustration, though her eyes told Lexa that her cousin was telling the truth. Anya wasn't letting this go.

She could feel the blood rushing through her skull again as her chest began to strain again. "It just can't. I can't do it, okay?"

"I don't know how you think I can just accept that." Anya leaned forward as she spoke, though her gaze held strong with Lexa's, as if she could stare into the depth of her mid with sheer willpower. "What are you so scared of?"

"Nothing! I'm more than capable of separating feelings from the friendship you wanted me to have with her, Anya!" She blurted out, wide widening the slightest bit at the minor slip.

All hopes that Anya wouldn't read into it fell away as her cousin sat back on her bed, expression flattening out as those warm amber eyes stared at her as if she were new.

"You wanted it to be work for her." Anya's words came out in a whisper saturated in disbelief, head tilting slightly as her cousin put the pieces together, as she always did. Anya was aggravatingly empathetic like that. "It'd hurt, but it'd be safer than if it wasn't...but you just couldn't convince yourself it was..."

"Anya, _stop_..." Lexa warned, but her words went unheard, or at least unheeded.

"She told you it was just one night, over and over, but it was so hard to believe with how she held you, how she kissed you..." Anya began, and Lexa just couldn't. Her lungs felt like they were overfull balloons just ready to pop with the barest hint of added strain.

"Just stop, please!" Lexa pleaded, prompting her cousin to stand from the bed, eyes too soft and wet for her to stare back at.

"...you knew it was more than that for her, and you knew it was more for _you_ , and it _scared_ you. And it scared you that she could calm you down so easily and make you want to _stay_. And when she left this morning..."

"I knew I was FUCKED, okay?!" Lexa blurted out in a mess of syllables sloppily pieced together as she stumbled back and slumped down onto Anya's bed, trying to steady her breathing, trying to hold herself together when she felt like a walking fucking time bomb.

Anya rushed to her, grabbing her hand and placing it on her cousin's chest. Which, well, helped. It was a lot easier to even out her breathing with a bit of a reference to focus on. "There we go...you're gonna be fine, little one. Just breathe."

Even though she knew she was on borrowed time, it felt good to have a breather, to collect her thoughts, and to make the call on how to handle it. She'd at the very least unsealed that particular part of herself, and while it wasn't a Pandora's box, Lexa wasn't sure it could be closed again.

So minutes passed, just calming herself with Anya at her side, the two of them slowly settling down on the older woman's bed, side by side, staring up at the ceiling. She knew she'd need strength for this, so she took Anya's hand and clutched it tightly, not even earning the tiniest of grunts from her cousin.

"All roads led to ruin, that's what I realized, Anya." Lexa spoke, brain too fried and frazzled to really put together any sort of cohesive, decent explanation, so she ventured to try and wing it. Either way, Anya was always patient when it came to her, so she knew she had time. "I both did and didn't want it to be work."

Anya remained silent, just offering a slight squeeze to their tightly clasped hands.

"If it was work...if it was work, then it meant that her heart wasn't in it. It meant that maybe, if I passed her vetting, we could do that again. I could pay, and get nights like last night with Clarke, basically on my terms and schedule, no commitment. No fear of things falling apart, or breakups, or falling outs, or the kind of loss I had with Costia." She continued, taking a moment to swallow the pain and bile from the memory of the months after that tragedy. Anya had been her safe harbor back then, and she supposed it fit that she would be again for this, even if Lexa had wanted to spare her cousin the strain and trouble this time around. "It'd be so easy, and it terrified me how much I thought about finding Clarke's online profile on my ride home from her place. It terrified me how willing I was to...to do that. To consider using her like that, like she's some kind of vending machine of affection. It scared me to think she could just be this service for me, instead of...more. And it scared me that she could ever see me no differently than she sees the people who pay for her."

Silence stretched on after that, Anya only bringing a hand across to graze over her knuckles, a comforting gesture that maybe fell short of the comfort needed to face down the other option, but it was enough to at least get her willing to try to at least start speaking about it.

"And if it wasn't work...then that would mean that this is real, and if _that's_ true..." She started, choking on the truth of the matter, dozens and hundreds of words relaying the entirety of her hope and fear and agony, all condensing themselves into just four more. Four words, all lodged in her throat, begging to be released; and yet, she'd never be the same once they tore their way out, of that she was certain. The feeling of Anya shifting closer, forehead resting against her temple, was enough to propel them forth along with the tears that had been threatening to spill over.

"...then I am weak."

If the previous night had taught her anything, it was that she could deny Clarke Griffin very little, and that she would more likely than not succumb to her urges to be near the girl. It would only be a matter of time before her weakness would have her doing all but swearing fealty to Clarke, whether she was emotionally ready or not.

And to be truly honest, she wasn't certain she was.

"Lexa, you've been fighting a panic attack all day long, and you still managed to talk your way through this. You can't tell me that's not strength." Anya murmured into her hair, the woman turning onto her side and splaying an arm across Lexa's waist to hold her closer. "You're not weak, little one. You're just a little wounded. It takes strength to move forward from trauma."

She could appreciate Anya's assertions, she really could, but they were off the mark. "I'm weak for how much I care for her, Anya. The way I...she makes me _so weak_." Lexa noted, working her straining voice to try and help Anya understand why this would end in catastrophe.

"Am I weak for loving you, Lexa?" Anya shot back immediately, oddly without a hint of anger or surprise, just curiosity. Which was probably a red flag, but Lexa knew she had to answer anyways.

"I don't think so. I'm not sure." It was a straight forward, blunt answer that was as painful to voice as just about anything else she'd said during their talk so far, knowing how deeply Anya cared for her, and how the admission might make her feel.

Anya's light laughter was so unexpected that she couldn't help but startle in her cousin's arms at the sound.

"Oh, little one, I need you to listen closely for a minute, okay?" Anya asked once her laughter faded off, in the same comforting tone her cousin would use all those nights when she'd practically cried herself to sleep, when she'd call Anya up in the middle of the night and would be soothed by her smooth, gentle cadence.

It wasn't a question whether she'd listen or not, so it was no surprise when Anya continued on. "I love you with all of my heart, Lexa. Every moment I've had you in my life has been a damn blessing. Every morning when I wake up, it's so much easier to motivate myself knowing you'll be here with me, and that I'll have a chance to keep teaching you, and keep learning from you, and keep loving you. And every night when I go to bed, it's so much easier to sleep knowing I'll have another day waiting right around the corner to do it all over again. It's a fucking _gift_ , and I'm not saying that to boost your ego, I'm saying it because that's how every day has been since you moved in with us way back when. Even in the worst of times, through the hardest nights, and my greatest struggles, I had _you_. And that was _always_ enough."

Lexa's eyes watered again at the sheer adoration fueling those words, not a trace of doubt that her cousin meant everything that was so efficiently calming her body and soothing her tattered soul.

"You have no idea the kind of strength you give me, how you've made me into an exponentially better person over the years, not just because you're you, and you've rubbed off on me, but because I've wanted to be better _for_ you, and that's made me grow in ways I never could have imagined without you." Anya continued, giving her another squeeze, only the barest hint of a sniffle escaping the woman, which was a feat given how emotional Anya tended to be. "And all that joy, that growth, that strength...it all comes with a vulnerability, one we both know well enough, little one. If you choose to call that a weakness, then so be it, but though I may be weak... I am so, so much better and stronger and full of life for loving you. Nothing could change that."

"Anya, that's not..." Lexa began, but the hand at her wait quickly lifted up to cover her mouth, silencing her for the moment.

"If you're going to tell me I don't know that, you're wrong. If I lost you...if I..." Anya started, voice wavering in protestation until it broke entirely on a hard sob. Still, Anya 's laboured breathing smoothed out and slowed second by second, her cousin's calming mantra meeting her ears until the tension in the older woman's body was more or less gone, the hand over her mouth returning to her waist. "If I lost you...it would be the single most painful event of my life, and I'd suffer. I'd be a wreck. But everything you taught me, every piece of me you helped me grow into, every good memory, no matter how tainted by grief, every bit of love we shared...that would be _enough_ to keep me afloat until I could figure out how to live without you at my side. And I'd have Lincoln there to help, and I'd have Raven, and I'd have Clarke. And I'd heal, and I'd be hurting so badly for a long time, but I would never regret you. I wouldn't regret a single second, because love is a goddamn strength, little one."

Lexa turned in Anya's arms and was surprised at the remorse in the woman's eyes, even if it didn't deter her question that had been stuck in her throat. "Then why does it hurt so much?"

Anya's other hand lifted up, thumbs lightly caressing her cheek as those tearful amber eyes clamped shut. "Because I failed you." The three words were absurd, breaking through her grief and uncertainties to startle her into a quick denial.

"No, no, this isn't on you." Lexa insisted, but Anya just shook her head, blonde locks of hair draping down over her face from the motion.

"I thought I could be enough. I wanted, desperately, to be enough for you. A parent needs to know their limits, and I let you isolate yourself after Costia went away, because I wanted to believe I could be enough." Anya claimed, and there was a semblance of truth in that she had distanced herself from her friends after Costia fell, but that wasn't Anya's fault. "You needed more than just me, and Linc when he'd try to get through to you."

"You're the reason I got this far. You're the reason I never completely lost myself, Anya. Don't blame yourself, I was the one who decided to be a hermit outside of school and hockey." Lexa shot back in a tone she hoped would be reassuring, but Anya didn't seem entirely convinced. "I really needed the space...and then it just got comfortable...the distance, and all, and that's not on you. All the love is strength talks wouldn't have helped back then, not when I would've given anything to just stop hurting, and to have a distraction. It made it easier only really worrying about two people, which...well, is why I guess I've been freaking a little this year, knowing you'll be going away. Even if you won't be far, even if Raven's good for you, even if Clarke's balanced you out..."

Anya's eyes shot open at the tail end of her rambling. "Little one..." Her cousin started, and Lexa could see the full-on mama bear denial coming on, so she nipped that bud.

"I don't want to lose you, Anya. I can't lose you...and...and I get your point. I just...I've lost my mom and my dad, and I lost Costia, and I'm just so tired of losing people I love. I'm terrified of losing anyone else, but...and no one could ever replace you, but...maybe if I had someone...if I had more friends...maybe that'd help. And maybe I could move on a bit better than I have." Lexa reasoned, at least as well as her exhausted mind could manage to. Right now, Clarke made her weak, and yet she wasn't with her, she wasn't stronger from her. Perhaps if she got closer, not just with Clarke, but with others, then there's be enough strength to hold her together if something bad happened again.

Truthfully, she was more than ready to zonk out after the physical exhaustion of practice, and the emotional exhaustion of the past day, so the fact that she was able to process much of anything was a minor miracle.

That she felt the slightest courage over maybe pursuing Clarke, at some point in the near future at least, was a revelation.

"We can do that. I promise, I never used to think close friends were anything more than a luxury, but Clarke...she _has_ balanced me out. I'm more open with you these days because of her, and...and I _like_ that. And Raven, if we couldn't work out, I know we'd still be friends. They give me a lot of strength, little one, and I know it'd be really good for you to make stronger friendships...so long as your closer friends aren't Echo or Caris, at least." Anya shot back with a reassuring grin, her cousin having confidence enough for the both of them. Lexa couldn't help but feel a little doubtful that it'd be an easy and fast process, or as simple as Anya made it out to be, but the fact that Anya believed in her so much spoke volumes.

"I think they meant well, Anya. Please don't torture them too much." Lexa noted, a bit of blooming relief allowing her lips to form a grin.

Anya just laughed and pulled her closer; after such a long last couple of hours, it was nice to just relax into her cousin's hug, knowing she could save whatever courage she had for later, because right now, she was safe.

"I scheduled a private training session for them tomorrow, already. I'll hold off with the worst of it until after the game against BC, then I'll see if any of my plans are worth putting into action. Deal?" Her cousin asked, eyes slipping shut as she gently pressed their foreheads together.

"That's just a delayed death sentence." Lexa mumbled using her foot and a free hand to pull Anya's blanket up from the foot of the bed, lazily pulling it over the both of them. They'd worked hard; the least they deserved was a late-afternoon nap.

"Well, they did try and hatch a plan about my baby cousin without my knowledge." Anya noted with a yawn, body tensing and stretching for a moment before returning to its slackened state. "Unforgivable."

Lexa could tell Anya was drifting off, clearly overtired and ready for a decent rest, so she decided to keep her words a little truncated. "They're your team. Go easier."

"Mmh. Blood must have blood, little one." Anya snarked back with a sleepy grin.

All she could do was sigh at the words, knowing Anya had likely made up her mind earlier that morning, and wouldn't budge. _Sucks to be them, I guess..._

"Anya?" She probed, unsure if her cousin was conscious enough to answer another question. She knew it could wait, and that Anya had already basically told her the answer earlier, but she just felt a need for some confirmation.

"Mmhmm?" The half-asleep woman answered, clearly fading fast.

"I might need some time, but...I can do this, right?" She asked, knowing she definitely would need time to adjust, to wrap her head around the concept of trying to date Clarke. There was a lot left to work through, but she had time, Lexa knew that much. Whether she could be ready enough to start anything remotely soon? That wasn't anything she had answers for.

Anya let out a long yawn and scooted up on the bed slightly, enough to press her lips to Lexa's forehead in a familiar, comforting gesture that had her feeling tremendously more relaxed. "You're stronger than you know, little one. Of course you can."

Anya's faith in her had her eyes fluttering shut, ready to accept a bit of a break from the world, a recuperation from her tumultuous past and the uncertainty of her future. Her lovable cousin rarely steered her wrong, and if Anya believed, and a piece of herself believed, however small, then that was enough.

Lexa wasn't certain that love would be a strength for her, but she was willing to find out. With how painful it was distancing herself from it like the plague, and how it ramped up her anxiety, it couldn't hurt to see if Anya was right. She did love Anya, after all, and she loved Lincoln. They did give her strength, but romantic love was different.

With some rest, and a little help, Lexa thought she might have reason to be optimistic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If this chapter seems rushed in any way, it's because I cut some character development that had been slated for the next 5 chapters and condensed a good chunk of it into this one. Again, I honestly don't have the heart to write much angst or sad stuff with Clexa right now, and my decision was between abandoning this story potentially forever, or continuing it in a way that let me get to the happier portions faster. I did my best to make it all as organic as possible, but this chapter ended up quite heavy and wordy nonetheless.
> 
> Anywho, thank you all so much for taking the time to read, I hope you're all doing well after this past month.


	14. Chapter 14

"Go Anya! Show them who the _real_ Huskies are!" Raven yelled out from the seat beside her as Anya and Lexa blazed down the wings as Fox carried the puck into Connecticut's zone.  At this point, it was only a matter of time; Connecticut had been effective at bottling NU up in the neutral zone, but just about every time her local Huskies made a quality zone entry, they scored a goal.

"Raven, I think they did that five goals ago." Clarke stated with a laugh, nodding in amusement as Anya slipped Lexa a pass for an easy one-timer from the point that sailed over the goalie's shoulder. "Make that six." She added as Raven jumped to her feet and cheered loudly.

"So they're up nine to nothing. Doesn't mean I can't cheer my babe on." Raven noted with a giddy smile when she sat down, and Clarke had to admit that whatever Raven felt for Anya, it looked damn good on her.

And really, it was nice to just enjoy hockey without being at ice-level. It gave her a chance to take notes throughout the game in prep for their upcoming series against NU, as well as just enjoy watching her two newest friends light another team up.

"Does _she_ know you call her your 'babe'?" She asked, earning a shove at her shoulder from her smitten friend.

"Who's got time for minor details like that? You know I'll get around to it eventually." Raven joked, shifting her focus back to the ice, where Sienne's line was up to take the face-off at center ice.

Clarke laughed off Raven's attempt at evading her, knowing her friend was probably about to burst and spill all the details, but just wanted to prolong it all. "Seriously, though. Anya keeps telling me to ask _you_ about what you two worked out...some day or another, she's going to get tired of me asking."

All Clarke was privy to was that both Anya and Raven really enjoyed their date, but also that both weren't sure they'd have time to have a relationship, though that was mostly a concern Anya held, given it was her final semester.

"Okay, okay, so basically..." Raven began, voice trailing off as the other girl bit her lip, as if that could possibly hold back the smile she was dying to let shine. Which, well, was honestly answer enough. "...we're dating!"

Raven practically vibrating in place from a mix of joy and energy would have had Clarke rolling her eyes had she not already experienced Raven's jubilation, only to find it sort of suited her. Raven deserved all the happiness coming her way, and if that was in the form of her new closest friend, then there wasn't any harm in that.

Clarke laid a hand on Raven's shoulder, beaming back at her friend. "That's amazing, Raven!  You two have any plans for more dates?"

Raven just nodded animatedly. "Tonight, actually, but it's pretty low-key, since she had a practice this morning, and a game today, and she's got a doctor's appointment later, too. Busy day, so we're going to head over to the library and...you know...grab some coffees and read together."

While she hadn't known Raven for a tremendously long time, a few weeks ago, Clarke never would have imagined the girl would be up for that kind of outing. Perhaps she'd been wrong in assessing Raven's character, perhaps it was a sign of how smitten she was with Anya, or maybe it was a mix of both.

Either way, Clarke knew Anya would probably melt. The elder Pine sibling tended to love simple companionship, and loved when opportunities came along for her to share her interests, even if they were few and far between.

"I'm just happy you'll be spending time together, with how busy the next few months are going to be for you both." Clarke stated with a smile, watching Northeastern make yet another controlled zone entry into Connecticut's end. "I'm sure she'll appreciate some quiet time alone with you."

"Mmhmm. Idea is, this time around we dive into her world. Some time soon, I'm hoping to build something with her in my garage workshop. I mean, we're more than just the prettiest faces around, you know?" Raven added, tamely clapping when Northeastern scored yet another goal, not as enthused since it wasn't Anya's line on the ice that time. "Anyway, speaking of one on ones, have you run into Lexa since that night you bumped into each other?"

Clarke shook her head, thankfully not hesitating, even if it took her mind a moment to fully catch up. The only person outside of her and Lexa who knew what happened that night was Anya, and it'd stay that way unless Lexa told her otherwise. The last thing she wanted to do was invite others to intrude on the girl's privacy. And yet, she knew Raven wanted details, and knew Clarke had feelings for the other girl, so she had to offer something up.

"No. I showed her I'm interested, I put myself out there...now it's a waiting game. She needs time and space to figure things out, and...well, in the end, it's her call." Clarke let out with a smile that she hoped brimmed with confidence, even if she didn't exactly feel it. The radio silence from Lexa had been a bit unnerving, as was the fact that whenever Clarke seemed to come by, Lexa was gone.

Anya, of course, had told her Lexa wasn't deliberately avoiding her. That Lexa was moving forward, she'd just need some patience. Clarke wasn't so convinced, but at the same time, Anya wouldn't lie to her, so there had to be some truth to it.

"Well, hey, at least you did something. My advice? Don't let up entirely. Keep prodding here and there...low risk stuff, you know?"  Raven said, bumping shoulders with her.

Honestly, there wasn't much in her schedule, but she'd had a fair bit of business lately, and maybe she could spare a little extra time off. Clarke considered the next few days and decided to reassess the upcoming Thursday night; she'd planned on spending it alone, being away from home and what with both Wells and her mother far away.

"Maybe...maybe I'll do something Thursday night? Just a casual get-together thing. That wouldn't be threatening, right?" Clarke asked, feeling more certain second by second that she'd want company that night after all.

"Yeah, yeah, that sounds low-key and casual enough. It could definitely work...and hey, worst comes to worst, you'll have good company!" Raven noted with a wide grin, and Clarke could certainly admit that truth.

Anya's line making its way back onto the ice recaptured Raven's attention, of course, and let Clarke focus back on her note-taking, figuring if the team made any late-game adjustments, or if any players started showing wear and tear, that her team could benefit from that knowledge.

Still, as she scribbled down her notes, she couldn't help but hope that Raven was right. Honestly, even if Lexa didn't want to date her, she really would still want the girl in her life.

_Her disappearing act's getting a little hard to handle...I miss her...and I know I'm not entitled to her, but, it'd be nice just to see her for a minute or two..._ Clarke mused with a sigh, catching sight of Caris looking a little less mobile than usual while turning clockwise. _Okay, yeah, we can use that..._

For whatever it was worth, Clarke was optimistic, and that was an odd feeling, as she hadn't felt hopeful about her supposed love life for months upon months. Maybe a little prodding here and there wouldn't hurt.

* * *

 

Lexa's legs were aching again. She'd had a long morning practice, had to rush to her classes across campus that were scheduled back to back, and she'd taken a long slog through the snow to the coffee shop and then back home once her classes were done for the day. Usually, she'd have spent time relaxing, maybe giving herself a mini-massage.

Instead, she'd been pacing her dorm room for the last hour, because her desire for a massage had brought her mind around to Clarke. Clarke, who she wanted to pursue eventually. Clarke, who had hands that very well could harness the essence of Spring, given their ability to bestow vigor into her body and bring her to bloom, much like the season does bring nature to bloom, all brimming with life.

Clarke, who she had been avoiding for a number of days as she tried to figure out how to approach the girl, how to start something between them, how to even enter the digits of the blonde's phone number into her cell.

It was all nerve-wracking. She felt like she was back in high school again, crushing on another girl and losing a hundred percent of her cool at the mere thought of talking to her. Which, by any account, was ridiculous since she'd talked to Clarke a great many times, even if sometimes under duress or having been strong-armed into their conversations.

Truth was, Clarke made her feel a satellite trapped in orbit: the stability and purpose in being exactly where she was whenever she was with the blonde, but that uncertainty and fear of moving too slow or too fast. Falling into Clarke would be dangerous, and falling away from her could result in losing her.

For so long, she'd been so worried about the former, about losing herself in Clarke, falling in love and something terrible happening because of that. Now, as she paced in her room, Lexa found herself more concerned about just straight up losing Clarke from distance.

Sure, she needed time to think, and figure out how to manage it, but Lexa knew she'd been avoiding being back at her dorm during hours where Clarke usually popped by. She could only do that for so long before Clarke would eventually assume that Lexa wanted no part of her.

Which, well, wasn't the case at all.

Lexa sighed and plopped down onto the side of her bed. _Useless...why do I have to be so useless at this? Just a few numbers in a cell phone...I...I really do want to talk to her..._

With the burst of annoyance at herself came a shred of courage, prompting her to grab a hold of her phone from the nightstand. _It's just a few numbers, I think I can do this... okay...let's see..._

Lexa stared off at the scrap of paper Anya had written Clarke's cell number on, and slowly entered the first three digits. She was just pressing the fourth when her phone vibrated, startling Lexa and sending it flying to the floor.

"What the..." Lexa started to say as she shook off her shock and reached down for the phone, only to recoil at the number presented on her call display.

Clarke's number.

"Shit, shit, shit, shit!" She muttered as she sat back down on her bed, one hand tangled in her hair, the other fiddling with the half empty water bottle she'd tossed there earlier.

It didn't make sense. There was no reason for Clarke to call her. _Well, except I've been avoiding her, and she can't catch me at home or at the gym with Anya and Lincoln. And I haven't been visiting the coffee shop lately, with the exception of today. I skipped New Year's, knowing she'd be there. If she really wanted to get a hold of me, calling would be a reasonable step, but...just..._

Lexa was broken from her thoughts by the sudden silence, the phone ending its vibration, signaling that she'd missed the call.

It was all so frustrating, and it was that annoyance and anger at herself that propelled her off the bed to grab the cell phone and hit redial before she realized what she was doing. Truly, by the second ring, her knees were shaking bad enough that she had to sit back down, and it wasn't from exhaustion or strain.

Clarke picked up on the third. "Hello?"

It took Lexa a few moments to adjust to hearing the blonde's voice again. It had been so long, and yet it almost felt as if she were back in that condo again, back in Clarke's bedroom, hearing that tentative tone again. "Clarke, uh, good evening. I...well, I was returning from the, uh...the hallway, and I just...well..." Lexa stammered out, growing increasingly frustrated as she stumbled over her words, knowing that it'd never been a problem for her in the past.

She closed her eyes and pulled the phone away as she took a deep breath in hopes of calming herself down. The fact that she hadn't heard any added words from Clarke gave her the confidence that the blonde was waiting on her, and would wait. Which, symbolic or not, really was relieving.

"What I mean to say is...good evening, Clarke. It's good to hear from you. How have you been?" Lexa let out, hoping that even with the more formal language, and the slightly impersonal tone, that it'd be enough of an olive branch.

"It's nice to hear your voice, Lexa. And good evening to you, too." Clarke noted, that tentativeness still lingering, even if the blonde's voice had softened substantially. "And I've been well. My life has been busy, of course, but I kicked off the year pretty well, and even got myself a few resolutions. You?"

"My resolutions?" Lexa asked, before realizing what Clarke had really been going for.

"Well, I meant to ask how you're doing, but if you made some resolutions of your own, I'd be happy to hear them." Clarke stated, sounding a little more relaxed now, dropping into the casual banter that often hooked Lexa and refused to let her go.

This time, she wouldn't resist. "Well, Anya refused to let me sleep on the night of the first unless I gave her some. I...well, I won't share all of them, Clarke, but I do want to visit all of my favourite parks during each season this year, now that I'm settled."

"That definitely sounds like a good resolution. There's a lot of great parks in and around the city, I'm sure you'll have a lot of fun." Clarke shot back with all the warmth of a summer breeze, and Lexa didn't even need a reminder to know what she needed to say next.

"I can still hold you to a springtime tour of the arboretum, can't I?" Lexa asked, and she could literally feel herself sweating. It was more than gross, but like hell if she would hang up when she'd already made progress. At least, she considered regular conversation to be progress.

"Yeah, yeah...I'm really looking forward to it, Lexa." Clarke said, sounding a little surprised at the reference to the day in the park, if happily so. Almost as if Clarke had thought Lexa had simply paid her lip service. "I've got a few I'm holding close to my chest, but I definitely want to go on a road trip, even if it's just a small weekend away from here, you know?"

Lexa literally gasped at the idea, reminding her of Octavia's birthday party and Clarke's song. Of all the little fantasies she'd concocted. "That's a fantastic resolution, Clarke. Have you given any thought as to where you'd want to go?"

"Well, I have some loose ideas in mind, but nothing set in stone. I don't think I'd want to go alone, it's sort of meant to be a group experience, and I'd want everyone to be on board." Clarke explained, making perfect sense. There was value in adventuring solo, but road trips were best in groups of two or larger.

"Absolutely, that's a great resolution, Clarke." Lexa stated with a nod to herself, happy that Clarke was interested in traveling. There was always something new and interesting to see, she figured.

"Yeah, I thought so, too. Anyway, what's new?"

Now, just how long she spent on the phone in casual conversation with Clarke Griffin was not something she was privy to, but after talks of school, hockey practices, Anya and Raven's relationship, and zany tales from New Year's, Lexa had long lost track of time. She'd fallen into their conversation like she'd fallen into a daydream, and it was only after a prolonged pause in their banter that Lexa realized she was sitting up against her headboard, Clarke's largest leftover hoodie clutched to her body with her free arm.

"So, you know, I was wondering..." Clarke started, voice trailing off as the blonde seemed to gather her thoughts, which only made the shift in conversational tone more distinct. The tentativeness from earlier was back. "I'm having people over this evening, despite the blizzard outside and all. Just a casual get together thing...I was wondering if you'd like to come by?"

The panic that swept through her at the thought of going back to the condo while others were there had words spilling from her mouth. "Oh I, uh, can't. I... um..." She stumbled out, freezing as she realized she'd just declined Clarke's offer.

"Oh, okay." Clarke let out, those three syllables about as downcast as she'd heard from the blonde.

Which sent Lexa into another worried frenzy. "It's not that I wouldn't like to, Clarke, it's...well, it's just that..."

"Lexa, it's fine. You don't have to explain. It's early in the semester, everyone has a lot to do." Clarke stated, still sounding disappointed, but Lexa couldn't help but feel a little relief for being let off the hook, given she really didn't have any excuse or reasoning concocted, and would have just stammered out random syllables after where the blonde had interjected.

"I apologize. But maybe I could call you this weekend?" Lexa asked, teeth quickly finding her lip as she waited for a response.

It took the blonde a moment or two, but she did pick up what sounded like a happy sigh from Clarke. "I'd like that." The blonde noted. "Maybe Saturday evening, after our game?"

Lexa found herself smiling at the idea, the nearly forty-eight hour wait giving her plenty of time to prepare. "I look forward to it."

"Well, I guess I should start preparing for everyone...it's been great hearing from you, Lexa. Take care, okay?" Clarke asked, that familiar considerate warmth bringing a smile to Lexa's face.

"You too, Clarke. I hope you have a good time, tonight." Lexa offered, truly hoping the blonde would have a nice night surrounded by her friends. Clarke deserved that much.

"Thanks! Goodnight, Lexa." Clarke signed off, Lexa quickly following suit and then ending the call.

Lexa sunk down against her bed, feeling equal parts exhilarated and on edge over how the phone call had gone. Though she did feel guilty about declining Clarke's offer, she really wasn't quite ready to mingle just yet; Anya told her it was important to be patient with herself, so long as she kept trudging forward towards progress.

_Speak of the devil..._ She mused as the dorm room door opened and Anya stepped in, letting out a loud huff and tossing her gloves off.

"Fucking blizzard out there. _Ridiculous_." Her cousin muttered, slowly stripping away each protective layer from the cold and snow that she was wearing. "It's supposed to be cold _or_ snowy, not both."

"I hear that. The walk home today was hell iced over." Lexa agreed, drawing Anya's attention, her cousin looking surprised at first, then wary.

"Are you going to Clarke's thing tonight?" Anya asked, though the quick realization as soon as blush met Lexa's cheeks had her knowing her cousin wouldn't need an answer. "You're not."

Lexa shook her head and pulled Clarke's hoodie on. "No, but...but we talked. On the phone."

Anya nodded slowly as she approached and sat down at the end of Lexa's bed. "And how did that go?"

Lexa ducked her head slightly as she felt her throbbing pulse in her temples, knowing her face was only redder. "We talked for a long time. It was really nice. I...panicked slightly when she invited me over, but I offered to call her this weekend, and she seemed happy about that. That's good, right? That's progress?"

Anya let out a deep breath and leaned forward to rub her calves. "It sounds like it, yes." Her cousin noted with a pleased smile. "Are you certain you can't come tonight?"

"I don't think I'd be predictable enough, visiting her place again, seeing her for the first time since then...it'd be better for me to see her again somewhere...less charged, I guess." Lexa explained, drawing an eventual nod from her cousin. "I do hope you have a good time."

Anya gave her a smile and leaned back, propping herself up on her elbows. "My cab will be here in fifteen minutes. I should get changed." Anya said, slowly ambling off the bed and towards her dresser. "I'm not sure how late I'll be...especially with the storm. Just in case anything happens, I want you to be prepared, so I'm leaving you twenty dollars. Order from a place close-by, I don't care what it is, but I want you to be able to eat if you get snowed in."

Lexa rolled her eyes as she fluffed her pillows and propped herself up against them. "You don't need to do that."

"I do, I couldn't let you starve. There's a flashlight and spare batteries under my bed. Break out the second space heater if it gets cold enough. If you can't reach me by cell, and there's an emergency, use the Cobra. And if..." Anya started rambling as she pulled out some fresh clothes, laying out the usual spiel on emergency health and safety when Lexa already had everything memorized.

"Stop being such a worry wart and get ready. I'll be fine, Anya. I know what to do if anything happens." Lexa insisted not unkindly, wanting to assert that she really would be fine without making it sound as if she was affronted over her cousin mothering her. Anya was wonderful, but it was times like these where the woman could be a little overbearing.

Still, her response had Anya stomping around a little harder than usual as her cousin prepped for the night ahead. It wasn't long before Anya was all dressed and ready to bundle back up again, her cousin taking one last glance around before heading over to Lexa's bedside.

"I want texts every hour on the hour until I get home, or eleven, whichever comes first. If you have an emergency, or you need anything, you know how to get a hold of me. Stay safe and have a good night, okay, little one?" Anya asked, more rhetorically than anything as her cousin leaned forward and pressed a kiss to her forehead. "I'm proud of you, Lexa. Please remember that."

Lexa pulled Anya down for a quick hug, enjoying that last bit of affection for the night before her cousin left to spend it with Clarke.

She was sure she'd spend most of the night wondering what they were up to, and wasn't sure her videogames would be distracting enough. Still, she smiled as Anya left, knowing that even if she was a work in progress, she was getting there. And perhaps a few weeks from then, she'd be a regular at Clarke's get-togethers as well.

Until then, she had plenty of time to think.

* * *

 

Clarke pressed her hands up against her window and stared out at the storm, the wild flurry of flakes halfway obscuring the sight of the empty roads below. A foot had dropped over the past hour alone, and it didn't seem as if the plows were up to the task.

 "It's getting bad out there." Raven noted as she walked up beside her, hot chocolate in hand and more than a little worry in her voice.

It was all a little bittersweet, really. "Well, O and Lincoln are off the roads and back at his place for the night. Monroe and Harper got back to her dorm five minutes ago, so they're safe, too. Anya's still out there, though."

As much as Clarke was desperate for company tonight, she really didn't want any of her people in danger. The storm was the worst of the year, and she couldn't help but worry about Anya, knowing it had been a long time since she'd gotten the text saying she was leaving the dorm.

"She'll be okay. A little snow wouldn't keep her away." Raven noted with false confidence. "We can hear the wind, no way she'd hear her phone in this mess."

"Right." Clarke said with a nod, not feeling so confident with all the reports online of car crashes and everything. The logical part of her brain told her that they were in the city, and that the path from Northeastern to her condo was not a particularly dangerous one, but the fact that Anya had left over an hour ago and still hadn't arrived? Well, it had her concerned.

Very concerned.

"Maybe I should try again." Raven said after a few long seconds of silence, quickly pulling out her phone. She was midway through tapping in the digits when Clarke's front door opened.

Clarke wasn't sure she'd ever seen Raven move so fast, dashing across the room to pull a very snow-crusted Anya into her arms. "You're here!"

"I'm cold." Anya griped quietly as Clarke rushed over to them and pulled the pair away from the door and into the living room, just happy to know Anya was safe and sound.

"That's no way to greet your girlfriend!" Raven chided, letting out a huff that seemed more a means to let out all that pent up emotion and worry than anything else.

"Says the woman who's been safe and warm in Clarke's condo. I think you have it the other way around, Reyes." Anya shot back, teeth still chattering from the chill, prompting Clarke to head off towards the linen closet for a towel and some more blankets.

"She has a point, Raven. Make it up to your girl!" Clarke called out as she stocked up with two towels and three extra blankets. Perhaps it was overkill, but she couldn't be too careful.

By the time she was on her way back, she managed to catch Raven murmur something and kiss Anya, leaving the already red-cheeked woman a little redder. "Sorry honeybuns, it must have been terrible out there."

Anya's eyes went wide, leaning back a bit in what Clarke recognized as fake outrage when Anya's eyes suddenly narrowed, a finger shooting out to poke Raven in the chest. " _No_. That's not going to happen."

"Oh come on, we're together, I totally get to call you something cheesy, sugar." Raven let out, and while Clarke could tell the woman was probably just teasing Anya as a way to avoid expressing how worried she'd been over the past half hour, she was interested to see how it would play out. Maybe she just hung back by the couch ad rested her supplies on the armrest.

"Do I _look_...no, you know what, I'm not even going to try, because you'll have a one-liner at the ready. Just no. Try again." Anya insisted, crossing her arms and glaring at her girlfriend even as she shivered.

Maybe the shivering got Clarke to take action, if just to creep up to her friend and begin towel-drying her hair, something Anya didn't acknowledge in the slightest, not with Raven giving her the biggest shit-eating grin.

"You gotta give me something, buttercup." Raven tried again, drawing a huff.

"Not that."

"I don't know why you're so on edge, muffin, it's just a pet name."

"I will literally flay you if you call me that again."

"There are faster ways to my heart, pookie."

"Are you trying to annoy me? Because at this point I'd almost rather be back out in the storm than..." Anya griped after a heavy sigh, halfway turning back towards the door.

In a flash, the towel was out of Clarke's hands, and Raven was holding it behind Anya, encircling the both of them. Realizing they could need some space, Clarke took a few steps back, returning to the couch.

"Hey, okay, okay...how about..." Raven noted, bringing her lips to Anya's ears, whispering something that quickly had a smile blooming on her friend's lips.

Anya let out a laugh and gave a light push at Raven's chest before reeling her back in for a kiss. "Let's keep that one between us for now."

Raven winked and brought the towel up to finish drying Anya's hair. "Deal."

"Now that you two are done canoodling, can we warm Anya up? You're freezing." Clarke let out, prompting Raven to help Anya take off her winter wear before ushering the both of them over to the couch, her and Clarke quickly sandwiching the older woman.

Clarke felt an arm wrap around her waist and pull her in close, letting her feel more comfortable about showing affection when Raven was around. She'd told Raven all about it, and her friend had told her it was all perfectly cool, that Anya explained they were purely platonic, and she was just happy that Clarke made Anya happy. It's just that they'd never all been alone together in one place with Clarke showing Anya her usual affection, so maybe she was nervous.

But judging by how Raven curled into Anya as well, it didn't seem like there was a problem.

Clarke smiled as she cuddled closer. "So, what happened out there?"

"My cab made it a few blocks before she slid and rear-ended a parked car. I got out and walked from there." Anya explained, which helped make sense of how cold the woman was.

"I should have picked you up." Raven asserted, earning a light smack to the head. "Hey!"

"It was dangerous out there. You and Clarke got in before it got too bad, and I'm happy for that. There's a reason I didn't answer your calls, I knew you'd come get me." Anya stated, turning her head to kiss Raven's cheek. "And I appreciate that you would, but I was fine. I'm happy you're dry and safe."

Raven leaned her head up and pressed a lingering kiss to her girlfriend's cheek. "You're such a mom, sometimes." Raven said with enough warmth to only have Anya's jaw clenching half as tensely as it might have otherwise. "Oh come on, you know I dig that about you."

"You 'dig' it? What are you, a time traveler from the seventies?" Anya shot back with a laugh.

"Seriously, her car didn't give her away?" Clarke chipped in, earning a huff from her friend, who ever so slightly pulled away from Anya.

"I don't think I'm good with you two anymore if it means you'll be double-teaming me like this. Not cool." Raven grumbled, moving to cross her arms just as Anya slung an arm around her waist and pulled her back in, laughing all the while. "Okay, okay, even I know how that sounded. Don't you dare use a one-liner on me, either of you."

Clarke lifted her head from Anya's shoulder and peered over at Raven. "You top us up on hot chocolate and maybe we'll go light on you."

"I am still a bit chilly." Anya noted openly, prompting Raven to press another kiss to Anya's cheek and get off the couch.

"Well, far be it from me to neglect my girlfriendly duties." Raven said with a roll of her eyes and a growing grin, quickly making her way over to the kitchen.

Which of course, gave Clarke plenty of time to tease her closest friend. "You two are adorable."

"Clarke..." Anya noted lowly in warning, though the slight upward tilt of her lips revealed the woman was more amused or playful than anything.

"I'll have to bump my dentist appointment up to Monday at this rate, with how sweet you two are. I can feel the cavities for..." Clarke teased, only for one of her throw pillows to blindside her, thwapping solidly against her face.

"We're not adorable or sweet." Anya let out in a huff, all red-cheeked and daresay flustered. Almost as if she maybe enjoyed the compliments, but wasn't quite comfortable accepting them yet.

Clarke knew that Raven and Anya's relationship was still pretty new, but she had a good feeling about it. And she knew that eventually, Anya would probably beam at compliments, if only just in the company of a select few. "You're happier with her, I can tell. That makes _me_ happy."

"You're such a sap, Clarke." Anya said, flinging the pillow back for another strike, Clarke just barely getting her arm up to block it in time. "Speaking of, you looked upset when I came in."

Clarke shook her head, not really wanting to get into it, and hoping her best friend wouldn't be able to see right through her. "It's nothing, just a lot of bad luck."

"Clarke invited a lot of people over tonight, and we're it." Raven stated as she returned with three mugs, getting the coasters in place on the coffee table in front of them before setting them down and re-joining them back at Anya's side.

Anya shot Raven a quick smile before returning her full focus back to Clarke, a worried frown marring her features. "Are we celebrating something?"

It was just a fraction of a second, the tiniest span of time, but Clarke couldn't help but wince at the idea of celebrating her father's death. That was all it took for Anya's eyes to grow all big and soft.

"Nah, just a standard get together. Us, Linctavia, some of the Eagles, nothing major." Raven answered before taking a sip of her drink.

"No, no, it's...Clarke, why did you ask everyone over?" Anya prodded, letting out a slightly annoyed sigh when Clarke kept her lips shut, not really sure what to say. "You kept this place secret from us for a reason. Inviting your teammates would be a risk for you, but you did it anyways, so what's this about?"

Clarke slowly shifted away from Anya's side, her heart clenching as her best friend deflated immediately, even if the woman gave an understanding nod.

"It's not a big deal. I didn't want to make a big thing about it." Clarke mumbled as she steadied herself mentally and emotionally. "This is my dad's place."

"Yeah, you said he used it because he was up here working a lot." Raven chimed in hesitantly, not that she should have felt that way. Clarke was always happy when others helped fill in the blanks and leave her the harder parts to discuss.

"He actually hated this place. If he was here, it usually meant he was away from me and my mom. Work had him up here a lot, but...that last year, he and my mom fought a lot. And he'd spend some weekends up here because my mom would ask it of him." Clarke stated, knowing she'd only really talked openly about any of this before with Wells and her mom, and that immediate rush of memories and dormant emotions had tears springing up in her eyes. "He spent his last few weekends here because he and mom were fighting. He did a lot of volunteer firefighting to pass the time. That's how he met Nyko."

Clarke took a deep breath, smiling when she felt the gentle weight of Anya's hand on her own. "My dad and Nyko responded to a fire. There was a three alarm blaze not too far away, but they couldn't just leave this other fire. Nyko said it didn't seem too serious at first, but there was...there was an explosion. My dad didn't make it out." Clarke relayed, wiping away the quickly falling tears as she swallowed back all that repressed pain. "That was two years ago today."

Two things happened quickly as soon as the admission left her mouth.

The first was that throw pillow smacking against her face, stunning her for a brief moment, enough to not see Anya bolting up from the couch. The second was Anya holding out a hand to lift her from the couch.

"Do you keep the kitchen stocked?" Anya asked flatly, cocking that eyebrow of hers, as if to dare Clarke not to go along with whatever harebrained plan the woman had cooked up over the past few seconds.

"Not much variety, but...yeah. Why?" She asked, flitting her attention between Anya's face and her hand.

"Good. Now come on, get up." Anya ordered, prompting Clarke to take her hand. With a firm grip, the woman pulled Clarke to her feet and marched them off into the kitchen

Clarke watched Anya rifle through her cabinets, pulling out all sorts of thing, but it was hauling her bags of flour and sugar that had her somewhat realizing what was happening. Raven quickly found a place at Anya's side, arranging the ingredients for whatever the woman had planned.

"You handle the icing, we'll handle the rest." Anya added, pushing some ingredients across the kitchen island to her. "I trust you can handle it?"

Clarke nodded, still in a bit of a daze over what was going on, but fully capable of making somethng as simple as icing. She quickly got to work, sifting the confectioner's sugar before tossing butter into a mixing bowl to cream it.

She'd just finished with the butter, and was ready to start gradually mixing in the sugar when Raven's voice met her ears. "What was your father like?"

Clarke's head shot up at the question, having thought the baking was a distraction from everything. "What?"

"He meant a lot to you. Tell us about him." Anya added warmly as she used Clarke's mixer for something else, likely batter related.

It was a massive understatement, to be certain, but with her hands busy making icing, and her friends hard at work prepping cake batter, and two pairs of soft, watchful eyes on her, maybe she had the strength to open up.

"He was my hero, really." Clarke started, feeling a rush of emotion as she recalled a lifetime of memories. The last time she'd felt that had been talking with Lexa about him, which likely helped dull the impact a bit. "He...he was the kindest person I ever met. I never heard him say anything mean or harsh to anyone...he was so patient, and caring, and giving. He was never too busy to help...he always said that, and despite my mom being a doctor, that's what steered me toward pre-med, I think. Deep down, he made me want to help. As much as I love art, I knew I could do more to help people."

Clarke took one deep, steadying breath, and then another, when she finished integrating the butter-sugar mixture. "He was dedicated in everything he did. Whether it was caking his famous peach pies, or working at the lab, he always gave everything he had. He'd always tell me that there was no shame in failing, not being perfect...so long as you gave your all, and tried your best to be better, and saw things through to the end, that you could hold your head up high. So when I got into hockey, wanting to eventually make the Olympic team, he told me I might not make it, and that he'd still be proud of me no matter what, but that if I wanted it, I'd have to give everything I had. I did, and he taught me everything he could until it was time to join the amateur circuit. I don't know how he did it, juggling everything, but he did...he made so much time for me."

"And here you are." Raven noted with a smirk, whisking a bowl of dry ingredients. "We're half a season away from selection camp. Keep it up and no way you don't get an invite."

Clarke nodded and smiled down at her bowl as she beat in the vanilla extract. "It's why I still have this place. Don't get me wrong, he hated it, but it was a part of him, and...and I need to have that in my life until I make it. Until I finish what we started."

It dawned on Clarke then that despite the tears flowing down her face, she'd never been able to speak so freely about her dad since his death. She'd never been able to say more than a few sentences without choking up. Lexa had changed that weeks ago to an extent, and now Anya and Raven had managed to get her to talk at length, even directly about his death, and she hadn't broken.

It was all more than words could say.

"And you will." Anya stated as she poured Raven's dry mix into her wet ingredients and put her Mixmaster to work, returning Clarke's focus from her thoughts. "I won't pretend that I knew him, but from what you've told me, you carry on the best of him. That's something I think he would be proud of."

Anya nudged Raven towards the mixer and rounded the island to rest her hands on Clarke's shoulders. "He raised a wonderful daughter. He was a great man."Anya murmured, lifting a hand to brush the tears away from Clarke's eyes. "Tell me...what colour reminds you of him?"

Clarke let her head fall forward onto Anya's shoulder and let out a happy sigh, heart so full of love for the moment and utter acceptance her friends had created for her.

"Blue. His were a shade lighter than mine." Clarke spoke, prompting Raven to search among the mess of things on the island before lifting up a bottle of blue food colouring.

Clarke was quite happy where she was, but the feel of Anya's lips gracing her temple, the sight of Raven's eyebrows lifting in expectation, the woman shaking the tiny blue bottle, had her turning back to her duties at the island and taking the food colouring.

She got back to work and quickly had the milk mixed in as well as the food colouring. As she finished transferring as much icing as she could to the bags they'd use to decorate with, she spotted Anya rounding the island and pulling out her muffin tray from the drawer beneath her oven. _Cupcakes it is, then..._ Clarke mused to herself as she beat the icing into a nice consistency. _I wonder how Lexa's doing right now..._

"So, are the cupcakes for...what...celebrating my dad?" Clarke eventually asked as Anya prepped the pan and began pouring the batter into the paper cups.

Anya let out a low chuckle as she quickly finished up the tray and handed it to Raven. Clarke watched Anya's smile grow and grow as she rounded the island again, those brown eyes softening with each step.

"Oh, Clarke..." Anya noted softly, one hand cupping her cheek and gently stroking it with her thumb. Anya's tenderness never ceased to stun her.

The sudden thick glob of icing smacked and smeared across the other side of her face reminded her that Anya also had a thing for hitting people in the face with anything and everything.

"...I was hungry." Anya finished cheekily, letting out a cackling laugh as Clarke's lips curled into an annoyed frown. Thankfully, after Anya's failed attempt at attacking Raven's face, the woman turned to her again from the other side of the island. "But seriously, no need to make tonight all sad and gloomy. It's important to mourn loved ones we've lost, but it's just as important to celebrate their lives, and how they shaped us and the world we live in."

Raven slowly and cautiously returned to Anya's side, not that her girlfriend seemed in the mood for another icing attack. "You're such a softie, sometimes." Raven mused, pressing a quick kiss to the hinge of Anya's jaw, taking a quick step back as Anya whirled around.

"You take that back or I'm going light on your cupcake's icing." Anya threatened, lifting her index finger to point at Raven in warning as Clarke closed her eyes and prepared for a bit of amusing mayhem.

Clarke didn't even have to watch to know Anya had made a mistake, the offended huff all she needed to hear to know Raven had sucked the icing off her finger. "Guess I'd better make up the difference then. C'mere..."

"You get your mouth away from my hands, Raven!"

"Can't blame a woman after you've been teasing me with them the last week."

"Raven, we are _not_ alone!"

"Please, Clarke's literally had to endure Linctavia's super noisy sex a dozen or two times. She can handle you giving me some sugar."

"If you're not careful, Raven, I'll give you my impression of Sugar Ray Leonard."

"Learn something new every day. Okay, no mas! No mas!" Raven fired back with a laugh, making Clarke curious enough to open her eyes again, spotting Anya with her fists raised playfully, even if the frustration burning in her eyes seemed real enough.

Anya's eyes narrowed as Raven edged closer bit by bit, cautiously reaching out to take hold of Anya's fist that wasn't covered in icing. Clarke smirked at the display, knowing Raven's plan, but wanting to watch it unfold anyway as her friend unfurled and lifted Anya's hand to her lips for a kiss.

Clarke put aside her knowledge of Raven for a moment to fully focus on the sight of Anya melting from the gesture. She'd seen them snark and bicker at each other, and exchange sassy remarks, but she'd never been lucky enough to see the two in more intimate moments. It had her in awe as to how quickly and completely Anya turned into a wide-eyed human-shaped pile of goo from Raven simply kissing her hand. _She really is hopelessly romantic..._

So much that when Raven tried for the same with Anya's other now slackened fist, the woman offered no resistance. Clarke couldn't bear to watch, even if her curiosity was buzzing. The last thing she needed to be was a witness to a murder in her own home.

Clarke waited, each second passing exponentially slower than the last, until the sounds of a gasp amidst laughter alerted her that Raven's plan had succeeded. The following growl was enough for Clarke to know Anya would not let such trickery stand, even if it was exactly the same sort of prank she pulled all the time.

"Anya...Anya, no! Anya! Anya, put me down!" Raven yelled out, sounding more and more panicked, prompting Clarke's curiosity to force her eyes open.

Anya had Raven in a sort of fireman's carry, and Clarke could only stare in absolute shock as Anya literally launched Raven onto her couch and leapt onto her. "You wanted my hands?! You wanted my fingers, Raven?! Huh?!" Anya raged as her hands got to ruthlessly tickling Raven.

Clarke just laughed and turned back to the oven to watch the cupcakes and make sure they wouldn't burn. The night wasn't all she'd expected it to be, but she was happy it turned out the way it did.

At least, as long as Anya didn't kill Raven. They still had a long night ahead of them.

* * *

 

The feeling of Clarke's body going completely slack against her, and the room falling into silence, both had Raven letting out the quietest sigh of relief she'd ever managed in her life, basically putting an end to the eventful night the three of them had shared.

Frankly, Raven was surprised she'd managed to endure it all, from start to finish. The night starting off with a blizzard that had her worrying about Anya? That wasn't fun at all, and she'd been on edge for a while after her girlfriend had arrived, just trying to mentally shake off the nerves from the experience. It'd been a long time since she'd worried like that, she'd almost forgotten how deeply those fears could run inside of her.

Then came the intimidating factor she referred to as 'Clanya'; Clarke had grown to be mutual best friends with Anya in the span it took Raven to ask the woman out. She'd heard about their morning walks, their lounging in the dorm together, how they'd nap. She'd heard little bits about Anya comforting Clarke about some things. Not many details, but enough for her to know that Clarke and Anya were close.

And having never witnessed an intimate platonic friendship before might have had her worried that she wouldn't stack up, or that she'd be a third wheel.

Thankfully, it only took a half second to realize how happy the two made each other. Maybe under another context it would have been the gayest thing ever, but Clarke was like a sister to her, and was family to Anya, so it was oddly easy to view it as if she was dating her best friend's sister. It wasn't entirely accurate, but Raven figured it'd do until she could completely wrap her head around it.

Raven's mood had been soaring higher when Anya, perceptive as always, had poked a hole in Clarke's apparently transparent defenses and brought to light why her friend had called for the hangout in the first place.

Now, her father had left when she was young, so she hadn't had the same relationship, but Raven knew loss. And the last thing she wanted was for Clarke to have to deal with yet another reminder of what she'd lost after the hellish year she'd endured.

From there on out, Anya had been a damn sorceress, wielding humour and empathy and encouragement to keep Clarke on her toes, and focused on the good memories of her father. They'd play-fought a few times to get Clarke laughing, or at least amused. They'd baked cupcakes together, even if Clarke had been the one to ensure both trays came out nicely, her and Anya too busy fighting in the living room for that.

Or, well, Anya tickling her. An unspeakable event she was promised that Clarke and Anya would never speak of outside of each other's exclusive company.

Anya lifting her like she weighed nothing had been pretty fun, her strength seriously on display for that brief instance.

However, it had been Anya's complete strength that left her in awe, and which had Raven feeling very thankful for the bed beneath her, because the past hour had been a dizzying whirlwind, and there was no way her body would be able to support itself after such a revelatory experience.

She'd crushed on Anya for ages. Adored her fierce strength, her loyalty, her devotion, her intelligence, and her beauty. Hell, they were barely knee deep into their relationship, and by the end of the first date, she'd absolutely begun falling for her. It wasn't something she'd experienced often, just twice before in her life, but it was familiar enough not to freak out about too much.

But never in her life had she felt the urge to put a ring on it like she had when Clarke eventually, finally, after hours of reminiscing and storytelling, collapsed under the weight of her grief. It was a sensation that was at once wholly overwhelming and entirely desirable, even if it was low-key terrifying.

Raven let out a sigh and pulled Clarke's sleeping body tighter in her arms, still feeling shaken from seeing one of her closest friends fall apart like that. She'd seen Clarke cry a tiny bit when talking about her mom and her past back at their Christmas thing, and figured Clarke just wasn't one to shed many tears. Wasn't too out of the ordinary of an assumption, Raven knew her mom rarely ever cried, and if then, just barely enough to let a tear or two out.

So watching Clarke let out sobs that had her friend trembling and heaving and sounding so heartbroken? She'd frozen. Like hell if Raven had ever experienced anything like that in her life, and suddenly, she had felt out of place and like an intruder.

Anya gently edged the bedroom door open enough to slip through, carrying a bottle of water and a Kleenex box, this utterly serene look on her face as if all was right. As if Clarke hadn't just fallen apart on the both of them.

She'd been joking with the pet names earlier that night, but the one Anya had blushed over ultimately seemed to fit the woman. Angels were beautiful, merciful, kind, and watchful guardians, yet they would rain fire and brimstone on those that dared trespass against them and who they represented. As much as Anya's fury was public knowledge, she'd never seen the full depths of her girlfriend until tonight.

For that long, exhausting hour, Anya effortlessly cared for and comforted Clarke, and that was awe-inspiring enough, except for the fact that Anya insisted she join in. Not with so many words, or any words at all, but small, slight gestures, guiding her in how to help Clarke, how to calm Clarke down, how to reassure her.

Raven understood science. She understood machines. Sometimes, she could understand people well enough. But she'd never had to comfort anyone like that in her life, and Anya had walked her through it, all smiling and certain and patient. Raven had never been one to dream up much of a future, preferring to hold a few long term goals and take things day by day, but for about forty-five minutes, she had brief little glimpses at a future of her and Anya. A serious, permanent shared future.

Again, she had known about Anya, and the general deal with her and Lincoln and Lexa, and Anya essentially having to be a parent of sorts to them over the years, but in hindsight, she'd imagined Anya to have been more older sister, more 'mom friend' than 'mom'. However, watching Anya and Clarke, she knew this was all from experience. It was all something Anya had learned trial by fire ages ago, and the woman was all too happy to guide Raven through it by the hand, teaching her a lesson she hadn't thought she needed to be taught.

So maybe, just maybe, she'd wanted to put a ring on it then and there. And maybe, as Anya set the tissues and bottle of water up on the bedside closest to Clarke, maybe that thought was still bouncing around in her head. It was way too early, Raven wasn't a complete space cadet. Still, her parents had dated for 6 years before getting hitched, and her aunt and uncle got married after three weeks of dating. There wasn't some universal rule about time or whatever.

She just knew Anya wouldn't be ready, and that was cool with her, especially as her girlfriend settled back into bed and curled up against them, sandwiching Clarke between the both of them, her arm reaching over to rest on Raven's waist.

"You got her to sleep." Anya whispered with a smile so light and easy that she could hardly believe it was aimed at her. "She should sleep soundly for a while."

The familiarity in her voice piqued Raven's attention. She'd expected Anya had experience with, say, Lexa. "You been through this with her before?"

Anya gave a silent nod and pressed a kiss to the back of Clarke's head. "She bottles it all up. It's good when she lets herself have release. At least she'll be comfortable with more than just me, now."

Raven's eyes widened at the assertion. "You think she'd...go to me? _Really_?"

It didn't make sense. Anya was effortless, like a wizard with that kind of thing. Raven had felt clumsy, stumbling through everything her girlfriend had guided her through. "You're her friend. She loves you. I think she would."

Raven shook her head gently, careful not to disturb the blonde sleeping halfway on top of her. "Nah, you're too good at this stuff."

"It's not rocket science, Raven. It's just figuring out what works at making her feel calmer and safer. You know it now." Anya noted with a smile, curling closer against Clarke's back.

And okay, maybe she understood that much, but Raven couldn't imagine Clarke choosing her over Anya. Not when Raven was damn sure who she'd go to now.

"I used to joke with O about you, Lincoln, and Lexa putting a hex on us. Hell, I've crushed on you for so long, and when I started getting to know you it..." Raven started, feeling uncharacteristically in touch with her emotions, and she wasn't sure if it'd be right to waste that, as uncomfortable as it might have been. Anya deserved the truth. "I got excited. I just wanted to know more about you, and be around you more, and...after tonight, it's like so much of that's fallen away."

The sight of the smile falling off of Anya's face had a bolt of panic coursing through her, all of the words and syllables she could think of crashing together in a rush of something sensible as a lingering pained expression cracked and fell away to a hardened, resigned one. "Don't beat around the bush, Raven. I'm a grown woman."

Raven felt conflicted, wanting to move to Anya's side and physically express everything she was feeling, but she knew Anya wouldn't forgive her abandoning Clarke like that on the anniversary of her father's death.  Frustrated, she pulled an arm free from Clarke's waist and took hold of Anya's hand, bringing it from the small of her back up to her lips for a kiss.

The soft expression she'd adored earlier didn't quite make an appearance, but Anya's eyes did soften slightly as they watch on warily.

"You're _amazing_. That's...I was trying to say that I was looking at you for so long and I was always missing something big, I just couldn't figure it out. But _I see you_ now, and...and I know it's early. Too early, but...shit, I am so bad with words tonight." Raven finished with a barely restrained sigh, not wanting to wake the sleeping girl in her arms.

"You don't need them." Anya whispered with the kind of soft certainty that made it all so much more aggravating that she couldn't piece some simple language together. She'd designed a theoretically sound space-worthy artificial gravity well when she was seventeen, but somehow, she couldn't fully express how Anya made her feel.

It was mortifying. "No, that's _bullshit_. You deserve all the poetic and romantic..."

"You forget I'm the one with the interest in literature and poetry, Raven. I never needed your words." Anya interrupted, lifting a questioning eyebrow when Raven let out a disapproving scoff. "I'm serious. You're not a mystery, Raven. Try as you might to pretend otherwise, you wear your heart on your sleeve. Clarke finally letting herself be comforted isn't the only reason I've been smiling."

Raven swallowed hard as she studied Anya, not understanding why the woman couldn't be frustrated, why she couldn't be impatient, why she didn't ask Raven to start what she finished. "I don't understand you."

A tiny, bubbling laugh escaped her girlfriend, who nestled impossibly closer, enough to bring her arm down and wrap it around Raven's waist. It made for a tight fit for Clarke, but the younger blonde didn't show any signs of discomfort, but instead had a tiny smile gracing her lips.

"You will. You're an idiot, but you're a genius, too, so it shouldn't take long." Anya said before turning her head to yawn into the pillow. "But rest assured, I think I am too."

Raven's brow furrowed at the cryptic words, wondering if Anya just got like this when she was sleepy, because her girlfriend hadn't been making much sense since she walked back into the room.

"What do you mean? What do you think you are, too?" Raven asked, knowing she'd probably never sleep unless she had at least one answer to the huge array of questions piling up in her head.

Anya let out a happy hum as she lifted herself slightly, leaning over Clarke's sleeping body, her head a few enticing inches away. "Falling in love."

The three words didn't encapsulate all of what Raven felt, but just hearing them out in the open, knowing Anya was tumbling down the same path she was, had Raven feeling tremendously lighter. And despite the calm, easy tone Anya had spoken them in, she could see the hints of fear and uncertainty plain across her girlfriend's face.

Careful not to shift Clarke around too much, Raven knit her hand into Anya's hair and angled herself enough to cross the distance, their lips meeting in a tender kiss. With every press of Anya's lips, every nearly inaudible sigh or mewl, she felt all her worries fall away.

Maybe she didn't need words, at least not right then. Not when she could feel the same adoration and yearning in every tiny little movement, with every gentle squeeze of her waist.

There'd be time enough to say that certain four letter word without condition or direction. Time when they weren't having a cuddle party with Clarke, maybe, which was probably for the best. Anya deserved to be cared for the right way.

"If you want to wake up in time for one of your ungodly early walks, then we need to sleep, angel." Raven murmured against Anya's lips, letting her nose graze down her girlfriend's.

Anya pressed the slightest bit closer, smiling against Raven's lips. "Remind me to take you out tomorrow night for dinner."

Raven ran her hand through Anya's hair and lightly tugged at the woman's lower lip with her teeth. "And pub trivia?"

"So long as you buy your girlfriend dessert, I don't see why not." Anya added with a yawn as they separated, giving Raven one last kiss before settling back down against Clarke's back. "Sweet dreams, Raven."

With the knowledge that they would be going on another date, and the comfort of Anya sleeping at her side, even if Clarke was a sort of living barrier between them, it wasn't long before she drifted off, her imagination all too happy to conjure dreams of all the possibility she and Anya held.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I've been working on this chapter for ages, and it's all been done aside from a single scene that's been brutalizing me every time I dive into it. And I've gotten some messages from readers asking about if I was still writing this, and I totally am, and I got to wondering if I could split part of the mammoth chapter into two pieces, this being a smaller one.  
> And, well, I made it happen. I've been making progress on that one leftover scene, but I've got a busy week, so I might not get it done in the next 7 days. Could happen, might not, but shouldn't be too much longer than that.  
> I had fun fluffing things up with Anya and Raven, Anya being a hopeless romantic at heart under her shell, and Raven just being hopelessly into Anya. Not much clexa in this chapter, but you'll see them interacting directly in the next chapter for sure. And chapter 16? That's where the serious fluff kicks in.  
> Anywho, I hope you enjoyed this chapter!


	15. Chapter 15

Lexa plopped down onto the bench in her stall as she caught her breath, grabbing a towel to wipe the sweat from her forehead. It'd been a hard first period against the Eagles, and she was not amused at how much better the team was since their last meeting.

Her Huskies were the fastest team in the conference, but BC trapped down the neutral zone so effectively that their speed was rendered next to useless. Every time they managed to get the puck into the Eagles' end, their opponent's backchecking was furious, and was clearly frustrating her teammates, who were uncharacteristically sloppy in their passing and sticking to their gameplan.

"This has to stop." Anya stated calmly, but loud enough for the whole locker room to hear.  "We came in too prideful and unprepared, and that's on us. We want this win, and we want to prove we're the better team, because we ARE the better team. They played us hard, so we tried to do it all ourselves...it's _not going to work_. It's not going to work for fifty second shifts, the pace is going to be high, and we can't let ourselves get outskated."

Lexa nodded along, knowing she had been one of the people trying to put the team on her back for a few moments in the first. Hard not to get frustrated with Clarke Griffin on her ass almost every shift out there.

"There's a lesson out there...we have half a season left, and not long until the Beanpot. As far as I'm concerned, they're all playoff games for us, we cannot afford to give them or anyone an advantage heading into the tournaments. And right now, we're looking at yet _another_ tie. That's _nothing_." Anya continued, her works taking on a little bite to them, as her cousin cast her gaze around the room. "Soft shit doesn't win. I learned that my first two years here, and last year we climbed to the top of the damn food chain. We _earned_ it."

Lexa rolled her eyes a little and hid a smile, knowing how much Anya loved talking about their championship wins the previous year. She glanced around the room at her teammates and noticed Caris staring back at Anya with a fire in her eyes. _At least one of us is worked up over this...hell, she's been ready to go all week. Though I can't blame her. Clarke and Raven burned her right after our powerplay goal, and she can't be happy about that...I think Clarke and Octavia did near the start of the game, too, but Echo made the stop._

"In this hockey world, WE are the apex predators. And these Eagles think they can come into our home and lay claim to it? We're the Huskies! We play as one, we think as one, and we _execute_. They drew blood against us, and we all know that blood _must_ have blood. So there's only one way we do this." Anya grit out as she slowly paced across the room. "We play hard. We perfect our line changes. We stop cheating, because we don't have to. We charge through their defenses, we push to the net, we make it hard for them. We get our heads on straight, we do it right, and we play Huskies hockey."

At that, Anya stormed back off to her stall, Indra stepping forward with her clipboard in hand. "That means we make adjustments. Lexa, you need to remember to look for passing opportunities instead of trying to rush in on your own. Number nineteen has a good read on you, so you can't be selfish. Sienne, be mindful of your ice time. You were late on three of your shifts, and it led to two breakouts for the Eagles. Sharpen up."

Lexa nodded at her coach and took a gulp of her coach's energizing concoction that both tasted like ass and halfway made her feel like she could conquer the world a few minutes after consuming it.

"Caris, mind your gap control. The Eagles are faster than last time, and you're giving them too much room to use their speed and letting them slip by on either side at will. You're the obstacle between our opponents and Echo, make them pay for every inch, don't let them abuse you out there." Indra continued, drawing a heavy huff from the defender.

"I'll make her pay, coach. No way she does that to me again and gets clear. Blood must have blood." Caris snarled, hands clutching the bench beneath her hard enough for her knuckles to whiten. Honestly, the woman seemed uncharacteristically furious. The last thing they needed was Caris to snap and take an inopportune penalty. _Maybe I should bring it to Anya? Or...well, we have a lot to work on already. If her anger sticks, maybe I'll tell her in the second intermission, we should be in our groove by then...yeah..._

"Just hold the line Caris. Do your job." Indra noted, sparing the defender one last glance before turning to another player. "Emori, gaining and controlling possession in their zone is key, and so is pinching at the blue line to keep it that way.  Don't wait for a pass to the point, that's not putting the team first."

Lexa let out a heavy breath and took another gulp of her drink, hoping her team would get it together for the next period. They really couldn't afford another tie, giving up home ice advantage in the season series to the Eagles.

She'd never hear the end of it from Clarke, Raven, and Octavia.

* * *

 

Anya felt exhausted. The Eagles had her line trapped in their own zone for nearly a minute, and she didn't even need to look at her bench to know Indra was fuming about it. There was twelve minutes left in the third, and their rivals were up four goals to three after a hectic back and forth second period.  Her Huskies had come out of the gate strong in the third, but this shift was a setback and was sapping what momentum they'd built slowly but surely.

Yet again, Anya watched as another shot from the point made it through their defensive formation, bouncing off Echo's pad and off towards the corner closest to her. She sprinted over to it, but her legs felt like lead, and may as well have been, compared to the kind of jump Octavia had, having only gotten on the ice maybe twenty seconds ago. Even with her trademark fitness, she was edged out by the freshman, who carried the puck behind the net, quickly dishing it back to the hash-marks where Raven was waiting, who swiftly dished it back to harper, and so began the cycle again.

Anya spotted Lexa take her old spot in the formation and so relocated herself in the shooting lane from the half boards, slowly edging out towards Raven, shifting on her edges as her girlfriend adjusted to her teammates, clearly trying to open up a lane to the net.

Like hell if she'd let that happen.

However, just as she went to take a more aggressive approach with the defender, Anya watched two things happen. The first was Harper bobbling a pass from Clarke. The second was Clarke stumbling to her knees, tripping over Lexa's stick.

Immediately, Anya rushed up the wings, breathing a sigh of relief as Tris poked the puck free and began carrying it through the neutral zone. It was about as good an opportunity as ever, with only Octavia, Raven, and Monroe ahead of her, Tris, and Lexa, their forward speed slightly trumping the speed and agility of the Eagles rushing backwards.

She watched Tris avoid a pokecheck from Octavia as she approached the Eagles' blue line and patiently waited for her to cross and dump it in so they could start a line change, finally. It was a grunt from the other side of the ice that just barely grabbed her attention, watching Ontari stumble and fall as she tried to hop the boards.

Her attention halfway over at the other side of the ice also gave her full view of Clarke Griffin sprinting up the ice. Anya yelled out to Tris to dump it just as the girl's skates edged past the blue line, but it was too late, Octavia tossing on the breaks, forcing Tris to pivot to the inside.

Right where Octavia's stick was, lightly tapping the puck and sending it between her teammate's legs, right to Clarke, who was already turning on a damn dime.

Anya immediately pivoted and rushed back to the bench for a change, no chance to catch the blonde. Caris was fresh, but scrambling to move into position and establish gap control as Clarke blitzed down ice.

"Fuck me." Anya grit out as she slumped down onto the bench, shaking her head as Clarke flipped the puck over Caris' stick and through her legs in avoiding a stick check, the blonde spinning around the defender when Caris went to block her path. Anya felt a pit in her stomach, having much rather taken a penalty there as she watched Clarke recover the puck and race down the ice with Caris right on her ass, sprinting after her.

For the second time that game, Clarke twisted her body and released the puck at a strange, sharp angle, Anya's eyes widening as Caris plowed into Clarke from behind, giving her best friend a hard cross-check right in the numbers.

Out of her periphery, Anya noticed the puck burst off like a sniper shot into the top left corner over Echo's glove. She idly noticed the red light come on and felt an urge to let out a heavy sigh for being down by two goals for the first time all season.

But what Anya's eyes couldn't help but be fully focused on as she moved to hop the boards in complete terror was Clarke, already off-balance from taking the shot and accelerating so quickly, sailing through the air from the impact of Caris' cross-check.

Her legs failed her upon hitting the ice as Clarke crashed head-first into the boards, the sickening impact echoing through Matthews Arena and utterly disintegrating her heart as she gasped for breath.

Anya wasn't sure what it was, maybe it was seeing Caris' face as her teammate turned around, but her instincts quickly kicked in, needing to ensure Clarke got all the help she needed, and that no one else was harmed.

She took a strangled breath and gestured to her teammates still on the ice. "Get to the fucking bench! Everyone, _now_!" Anya yelled, watching Ontari scramble back as Lexa aimlessly drifted down the ice towards the downed Eagle. "Caris, get the _fuck_ over here!"

Thankfully, the defender seemed to snap out of whatever fury-induced haze she'd been in and quickly ducked her head, skating quickly over. Anya turned to an approaching referee and gestured to Caris, not even wanting to look at the woman for fear the growing burning inside of her would overwhelm her. "Get her the hell out of here." She grit out, looking over the ref's shoulder to see Raven holding back a few Eagles, including Octavia, from getting to Caris as the woman skated by.

Caris reached the bench just as two of NU's medical staff emerged from the tunnel and rushed off onto the ice to join BC's doctor heading down ice. Anya made the mistake of looking over her shoulder to Clarke, the blonde motionless on the ice, surrounded by Harper, Monroe, and Echo, both Raven and Octavia skating over once Caris was on her way back to the dressing room.

Lexa was just standing still at the top of the crease, watching on.

_I'll deal with Caris later..._ Anya thought to herself as she glided over to join her cousin, resting a hand on her shoulder.

"Clarke's strong. She'll be okay." She heard herself say, not fully believing her words, just knowing the needed to be said. Because a reality where Clarke wasn't okay would be unimaginable.

Anya shook the horrific thoughts from her overactive imagination and focused on the reality in front of her. Clarke was motionless on the ice, the doctor was treating her, and they had a stretcher and a neck brace at the ready. They were medical professions, surely they would be moving with more haste if it was serious.

At least, she figured as much _.  Clarke would know what's going on..._ She mused with a frown as she caught Lexa's gaze.

"How do you know?" Lexa asked, her voice so reminiscent of the fear after Costia's fall. Anya felt her throat fill with shrapnel at the mere thought of Lexa going through that pain again. At losing her own best friend just as they'd begun getting close.

"I just do." Anya stated firmly, turning her head away in hopes Lexa would see the tears that finally broke a path down her cheeks. "She'll be okay. We...we have eleven minutes left. We need to finish the game, finish our debrief, and then we'll go be with her. And she'll be _fine_."

Anya knew Lexa wasn't as good at compartmentalizing as she was. It wasn't a shock when Lexa wasn't quite up to her suggestion. "How can we even continue after this? God, Anya, I'm shaking. I..." Lexa started, shaking her head and skating off towards the boards.

Anya followed and slung an arm around her cousin's back to stabilize her and keep her on her feet. "We'll be okay, little one. Clarke will, too. We're no use to her right now, she needs help from professionals. And we need to wind down so you don't have an attack and I don't murder someone.  So we're going to play the rest of the game." Anya stated, resting her helmet against Lexa's as her eyes welled up. She couldn't see Lexa anymore for the tears, but it didn't matter, she didn't need her sight right then. She just needed not to let the swell of fear and anger overtake her, knowing any sign of it would make Lexa panic.

She had to be what her little one needed at the moment, she had to keep up the notion that Clarke would be fine, even though the doctor was taking a long time, and Clarke was still flat on the ice. "Then we'll go make arrangements, after. We'll prep for the hospital, we'll get her some nice flowers at a florist, we'll have Lincoln get groceries and comfy clothes for her place, and we'll wait until she can have visitors. And she'll be happy to see us. That's how it's going to be."

Lexa turned into her and wrapped both arms around her, entirely uncharacteristic for her, at least in the context of hockey, but Anya returned the embrace, knowing Lexa needed her strength.

Anya wasn't sure how much she had left to give, but whatever Lexa needed, whatever Raven needed, whatever Clarke needed, they would have it. She just prayed that Clarke would be okay.

She just needed to be okay.

* * *

 

It was two hours to the end of the standard visiting period when Anya's phone rang, Raven calling to say that they could come up, and that the Eagles had finished their brief visitation. She and Anya had been waiting in the hospital's parking garage for well over an hour at that point, Lexa barely having been able to help contain her cousin's sad fury that had only built since the end of the game. That stopped mattering once they'd found their way inside and to a small waiting room near where Clarke was being held, Lexa carrying an armful of flowers.

Everything had felt hazy since the incident, so perhaps that's why it took Lexa an extra moment or two to realize that they'd stopped in the waiting room, that they weren't heading straight in to see Clarke. Which, really, had a jolt of panic coursing through her, only barely dulled by the sight of Anya's  similar frustration over the situation as well, as Raven moved to intercept them.  Octavia, after giving a middle-aged man and a young girl an odd look, joined them.

Lexa's eyes darted around at passing nurses, at the intensity of the fluorescent lighting, at the vague familiarity of the man, before a hand clutching hers drew her back to the group in time to hear Raven say something about tests.

Which sent her heart plummeting through her chest at the absolute ambiguity of the statement and pushed all her focus to Raven and Octavia, but that element of the conversation seemed to be over as soon as it began. She could feel her insides burn with worry at not knowing, even as something that felt a lot like relief flowed through her for the same reason.

It was all so conflicting, and she was so tired. 

"I know, Lexa." Anya murmured into her ear, forcing a blush to her cheeks even while she knew that somehow, Anya understood whatever thought she voiced.

She was sure Anya got it, too, because it's not like they hadn't been going through all of it together. It's not as if Lexa had given any choice to Anya but to drag her cousin into her and Clarke's mess. _Well, more my mess..._

Lexa knew it should never have gotten to this point. None of them should be in the hospital, and Clarke should not be hurt and having tests run on her. She should have done more, and now that for once, someone she cares for had returned to her, Lexa found herself feeling deeply unworthy of it.

It was humbling.

It was terrifying.

It had her swallowing hard to push down her grief when Octavia called the older man over, the light bulb in her brain clicking on as his appearance finally jogged her memory, tears springing to her eyes at the realization that this strong bear of a man seemed as scared as she felt. Like maybe she wouldn't get Clarke back in a way that could have a happy ending for anyone involved.

"Lexa, this is Jason, he's family to Clarke." Octavia noted, Lexa taking the offered hand in an absent-minded shake, eyes shifting to the side to take in the man's apparent daughter. And of course he was scared; he had a daughter, he could clearly imagine something like this happening to his little one.

Which had Lexa scanning the room for someone with Clarke's features, knowing her mother was a doctor, her mother was alive, her mother _had_ to know. Yet, there was no one, forcing Lexa's eyes back to the man and offering a slow nod. He was it. He was who Clarke had left. _Her falling out with her mom must have been really bad..._

Anya saved her from any feeble, half-thought greeting or response, thankfully. "So what DO we know? When can we get in to _see_ her? Where's her _mother_?" Her cousin shot out with that familiar fury burning at the edge of her words, the slight growl in the last question doing little to mask how Anya felt. Anya's hands were shaking like leaves, and there wasn't enough anger in the world to hide how scared she was, not that her cousin wouldn't try. A mere glance at Octavia and Raven was enough to know that no one there was entirely free of worry.

"I'm not gonna lie to you, ladies, it's not too pretty. She was out of it for a long time, and when she woke, she was...she was disoriented and in pain, so they pumped her full of something to put her to sleep after they ran some tests. They putt the neck brace back on last I checked, and she hasn't come out of it yet except for little bits when they've been doing their tests. They said they'll be done soon, and when they are, we can head in." Jason explained thickly as his eyes swept across the group, eventually fixing on Anya. "I was surprised to hear I was her emergency contact, but Clarke's like a second daughter to me, and I was at the game, so I'm here. I gave Abby a call a few times, but all I got was voicemail, so I don't know with her. I... _I don't know_."

The man seemed genuinely perplexed and sad, glancing back at his girl who was playing on her 3DS a few feet away, and it didn't take a mind reader to know he couldn't fathom what was going on in that regard.

Still, as much as Lexa wanted to soak in the consequences of her actions and self-flagellate, she could tell that Anya was about ten seconds from exploding with some sort of emotion, and that wouldn't bode well for anyone. As subtly as she could, she sidled up to the mechanic and rested a hand on the girl's shoulder, drawing Raven's attention away from Octavia for a moment, which was all Lexa needed. "Can you take Anya for a walk? She's about to have a meltdown, and she'll hate herself if me or Jason's daughter are around to see it."

Raven didn't hesitate for a second, nodding as she moved over to Anya, hooked her arm around the seething woman's, and practically marched off with her down a nearby hall. Once they'd made it around a corner and out of sight, Lexa let out a sigh of relief, knowing she'd at least managed to limit some of the fallout from today.

Still, with Jason having gone back to sit with his daughter, it left her alone with a scowling, fire-eyed Octavia. "What's being done with Caris?" Octavia growled out, the question more than a little predictable, and thankfully one she could answer.

"Tris is taking care of her." She stated, taking in a breath to get into specifics, though Octavia didn't seem to have patience for even that.

"What does that _mean_? We talking mob style, or...?" The fiery girl demanded, prompting a shake of her head, which didn't seem to please the girl.

"Tris took her out of town to her backyard rink, where Caris...by now...should be in the middle of a bag skate." Lexa clarified, only for Octavia to step within a breath of her, red-faced and practically snarling.

"That's fucking _it_?" The shorter girl bit out lowly, quiet enough to avoid attention, but furious enough to clearly show that the girl was just about ready to punch someone if Clarke wasn't going to have justice. And Lexa did not want to be punched in a hospital, as guilty as she might be. It'd upset Anya too much.

"It's negative ten and windy as hell outside, and Tris has _all evening_. Caris will skate until she cannot _stand_ , and then she'll skate _more_ , until she passes out or vomits enough. Then she'll serve her suspension, and both Indra and Anya will decide if Caris will get to skate with the team again this season. It might take a few more bag skates to convince the team that she's truly sorry for what she did, and both Anya and I will be there to ensure that the _debt_ is _paid_." Lexa continued a little tersely, even if she really didn't want to give the girl attitude. Octavia was right to be upset and want some closure.

Thankfully, it seemed her words were enough to calm the firebrand in front of her, Octavia taking a step back, even if the girl didn't look entirely pleased. "Anya has always worked from the old motto that blood must have blood. That was how we rallied against teams who scored against us, who beat us, but make no mistake, it translates to team discipline. What she did was wrong, and disgusting, and has no place in hockey, especially on our team, so we're handling it. Justice will be served, Octavia." Lexa finished, unsure if the words were at all necessary, but they did draw a small, thankful smile, so there was that.

"Thanks. Just been a hard day. I trust you and Anya." Octavia noted with an undeserved soft expression, before glancing down at the flowers Lexa was carrying. "Doesn't hurt you apparently bought out a florist. I'm sure Clarke'll appreciate it."

Lexa wasn't sure what to say to that, knowing her offering was far less that what the blonde deserved, but it'd been all she could figure out on short notice. It was the one thing she could pick up in less than ten minutes that could express everything else she hoped to offer.

But Octavia was probably right, Clarke would likely appreciate them. She was nice like that.

"It's not enough, but it's something." Lexa let out in the end, not feeling particularly comfortable in accepting any praise for her efforts, even if Clarke could enjoy them. It didn't seem right to be rewarded for providing comfort after having helped cause pain. "I thought Lincoln would be here by now." She added, not wanting to dwell on the flowers any more.

Octavia's smile perked up at the mention of her boyfriend, predictably. "Oh, yeah, apparently Anya texted him with some extra errands to run, so he'll be a little late getting here."

Lexa nodded, thinking that perhaps he was who Anya had been texting furiously in the car a while back. She knew Anya had sent Lincoln off with a key to Clarke's place, so that he could do a grocery run for her. It was one thing everyone seemed to agree on, that a cramped dorm room wouldn't be a good place to recover from whatever injuries the blonde was facing; Lincoln being asked to gather a few extra things didn't seem too farfetched given how overbearing Anya could be, and how her cousin's mind was always on the go.

_Speaking of Anya..._ Lexa mused to herself as she spotted her cousin and Raven heading back towards them, Anya appearing a lot less angry and a lot more exhausted. Raven was speaking slowly and quietly, holding Anya's complete attention, which was about as much of a miracle as anything.

As they got closer, Anya let out a loud huff at something the other girl said, Raven's smile growing as Anya's eyes rolled.

"Hey, don't give me guff, I'm _serious_. My doctor prescribed me more vitamin U. I can show you if you want." Raven shot back a bit above their previous whisper, close enough for Lexa to hear and stifle a groan at the cheesy line.

"Your doctor did not prescribe you that." Anya stated firmly, though the barest hint of a smile was honestly victory enough, and by how Raven's face lit up, she knew the other girl felt the same way.

"Wait a sec..." Raven noted, quickly grabbing her phone and skimming through it for a few seconds before practically shoving the screen in Anya's face. "There, happy now?"

Anya's eyes narrowed, jaw setting to the side a bit. "Raven, we are in a _hospital_. I don't care how hard you've fallen for me, Life-Alert is not a laughing matter."

"But babe, I've got serious medical needs. Your body's sixty percent water, and I'm thirsty." Raven chided playfully, Octavia letting out a quiet groan at her friend's antics.

Her cousin's long, exaggerated sigh was all that was needed to know that Raven's goofiness was rubbing off on Anya, and definitely easing her worries for the moment. "We're in the company of _children_ , Raven. But...I suppose that we could talk about that later on. Only long after we make sure Clarke's okay."

Raven's genuine surprise was almost enough to have Lexa smiling, almost. Especially as it faded into a theatrical bit of feigned shock. "Oh mercy me! Are you asking me out on a date, Anya Pine?"

"Oh my god, you're insufferable." Anya groused, running a hand down her face in exasperation. "We can talk about it _later_ , I don't _know_."

"I'm just saying, I'm definitely free this Wednesday. Maybe we could hang out in the library...I may not have a library card, but if you don't mind me checking you out, I'm game." Raven teased with a grin, making Lexa wonder just how many one-liners the girl had floating around in that head of hers.

"Raven, we're in a _hospital_. Checking on _Clarke_." Anya huffed, face growing a bit redder, which Lexa could understand. It wasn't exactly the classiest thing to ask someone out while they waited for the results of a friend's traumatic injury. Still, she had given Raven the mission of distracting Anya, and she seemed to be passing that test with flying colours. Besides, Raven hit on Anya at the gym a few times a week for over a month, their dynamic was always a little unique.

"Yeah, and we'll be taking care of our blonde firecracker the rest of the weekend and throughout the week. But as much as she loves us, she's gonna want a little breathing room eventually. Even if that's just me taking you out for some pizza while Clarke's resting with O or Lexa at her side." Raven countered with big bright eyes and a soft smile.

Honestly, Lexa had never seen anyone's puppy dog expression work on Anya before, but the way that her cousin's expression faltered, a flicker of a shy smile surfacing, she couldn't help but feel that maybe Raven was partially made of kryptonite. Whatever reservations she'd once had, the naked truth was that Raven was good for Anya, and as much as it sometimes felt like the other girl was pulling her cousin away a little bit, it honestly seemed for the best if it'd help her cousin have more of a normal life.

Anya held Raven's expectant gaze for long seconds before letting out a soft sigh, the slightest of grins twitching at her lips. "Fine. Pizza. But _only_ if we bring some back for Clarke."

Raven's exuberance could have filled the room in that moment, but when the girl's attention sharply shifted to an approaching doctor, Lexa had a feeling Reyes' elation would have to wait. Lexa gathered with the others as the doctor entered the waiting room and approached Jason.

"I apologize for the wait, Mr. Panyko, but I have some good news about Miss Griffin. We did a full gamut of tests, and her results for all the major concerns are clean. There's no internal bleeding, no skull fracture, and no spinal fracture." The doctor relayed, drawing sighs of relief from just about everyone as Lexa felt some of her fears subside. The memory of Clarke going headfirst into the boards had been seared into her mind, and a major neck injury seemed inevitable; that there hadn't been a fracture was incredible.

She might have pinched herself just to make sure she wasn't dreaming.

"So where does that leave us?" Raven asked with a hint of trepidation, drawing the doctor's attention quickly.

"Clarke's suffered a severe concussion, and she's dealing with neck spasms as well. So when she wakes again, she's probably not going to feel comfortable, and she might not remember where she is or why, again. Her neck is going to be tight and painful for a while, and there's a good chance she'll have a serious headache as well, and might be disoriented from the medication and injuries. We have her on some anti-inflammatories, and some ice packs around her neck to help, but right now she needs to focus on resting up." The doctor began, eyes calmly scanning across the group.

"With regular treatment, we're hopeful the spasms will subside within the week, and we'll be setting up future appointments for her to be checked for post-concussion symptoms. With any luck, she'll be back to good in a few weeks, but she's going to need to rest, and to stay away from anything too physical or anything athletic. The nurses will be by to change her ice pack in the next forty minutes, and I'll make sure they have information on treatment ready by the time visiting hours end. We want to keep her overnight for observation, but so long as there aren't any surprises between now and then, she'll be discharged tomorrow morning at six. For now, you can go in and see her." The doctor explained, finishing her lengthy spiel with a smile, holding her clipboard against her chest as Anya dragged Raven away at a brisk place, the rest of them following close behind. It wasn't that they didn't appreciate her words, or the detailed information, they just wanted to be with Clarke.

It wasn't a long walk to Clarke's room, though as she approached, Lexa found her pace slowing, her feet growing heavier, until she remained at the doorway, stuck in place from the sudden realization that this was it. Any emotional distance she'd been using as a crutch was obliterated the moment Clarke hit the boards, and now the physical distance was gone, too.

This was the start of a new era, one without any major control as to the distance between her and the blonde. Clarke would be the one to decide how close they'd get. Clarke would be the one to decide if she wanted Lexa near, after everything. Clarke would be the one to decide if or when she'd be forgiven.

Stability and control had been her rocks across the past few years, and standing at the doorway, she could no more grasp them than the clouds in the sky. It seemed fitting that everyone seemed to navigate to a space in the room symbolic of their relationship with the blonde.

Anya had circled around to the far side of Clarke's bed, her cousin kissing the unconscious blonde's forehead before taking a seat and clasping both of her shaking desperate hands around Clarke's slackened one. As Anya lifted Clarke's hand to her lips, eyes tearing up with all that anger now washed away, Raven took position behind her, resting hands on the older woman's shoulders, keeping watch of both blondes. Which, honestly, won the girl-genius some extra points for being a rock when Anya and Clarke needed her.

Octavia stood guard by the wall, at the midpoint between the bed and the door, arms crossed in a fresh fury that Lexa predicted wouldn't fade until Clarke's blue eyes fluttered open. Jason and his daughter had taken the seat on the near side of Clarke's bed, the daughter on the man's lap; the security guard whispered softly to his daughter as the girl took Clarke's hand into both of her smaller ones, sadly watching over her adored babysitter. 

Lexa's gaze swept the room and found little reasonable space for her to fill. And honestly, very little reason to make an attempt; in the week leading up to the game, she'd noticed Caris looking forward to it. She'd noticed the heightened aggression, the remarks made about wanting to ruin the Eagles for what they did in their last matchup. She'd noticed the anger and the bitterness during the first and second intermissions, and had dismissed it. Had she not been so caught up in wondering how to deal with what she felt for Clarke, and how to try and somehow manage a plan of action to start getting closer with her, she could have realized how deep Caris' humiliation ran.

_I should have told her..._ She mused to herself as she shook her head, teeth clamping down on her lip in a failed attempt to bite back her tears. Shame coursed through her with each heartbeat, knowing she didn't deserve to cry, she didn't deserve the right to feel bad. It was Clarke who had rushed to her and Anya's side, fearful for their health and safety. It was Clarke who had spent the better part of an hour and a half going over Harvard's tactics and behaviour to prepare them as best she could for the danger they'd faced that game, so that when a player had taken a run at Anya, her cousin had seen it coming.

_I don't deserve to be here..._ She realized, swallowing hard at that truth until her feet felt freer, enough to slowly plod her way through the room to the nightstand and leave her collection of flowers. After all, Clarke deserved something nice, and not a reminder of her betrayal. _I should have told her..._

It was a hand carefully resting on her arm that startled Lexa out of her thoughts, quickly realizing everyone in the room was staring at her.  Thankfully, Anya kept her from having to ask what she did; just a glance at her tearful baffled cousin let her know she'd said something. "What should you have told her?" Anya asked from across the room, blinking away her tears as if that was at all possible, and as if it was at all reasonable to fight away her emotions for Clarke to where she could defend and protect Lexa.

Lexa could feel the blood rushing to her cheeks at the revelation she'd spoken her thoughts, but kept her focus, slowly backing away from Jason's hand and towards the door. "I should have told her about Caris...I should have told her how angry she was, how vengeful she was."

"Lexa, this isn't your fault, you..." Anya started, but Lexa was entirely out of patience for Anya being patient with her. All that led to was Clarke bedridden in a hospital, suffering from brain damage, so this time, she knew Anya's words were empty platitudes. They had to be, no matter the intent.

"It _is_ my fault, she wouldn't be _here_ if..." Lexa retorted, wrenching herself away at Octavia's attempt to take hold of her. " _Get off me_!" She grit out lowly, regretting the momentary flare-up of her rage, knowing Octavia didn't deserve any of it being directed her way. She shifted focus back at Anya, needing her cousin to see reason. "Clarke left that game and freaking rushed to warn us about people who might... _maybe_...could have tried to hurt us. You're _safe_ because of her, Anya. She was worried we'd get _hurt_ , and...and I didn't do the same, even though I _was_ worried about Caris. I should have told _Clarke_ , and..."

The moment her voice broke upon the wounded girl's name, Octavia made good on her initial attempt, pulling her in for an embrace that was both infuriatingly unjust, and embarrassingly comforting. It all had tears flowing harder, unvoiced sobs killed in the chokepoint of her throat as her somewhat-friend held her close.

"This isn't on you, Lexa. But what's this about Clarke?" Octavia asked as she rubbed slow, calming circles against her shoulder blades.

"After the game against Harvard, Clarke visited us and gave us a heads-up on some of their players who were playing dirty, and offered some advice on how to pick apart the team's weaknesses." Anya explained with worried eyes fixed on her, certainly more capable of stringing clear syllables than Lexa was at the moment, even as she fought to recompose herself.

Octavia let out a laugh that provided a little levity to the room after all the guilt Lexa had brought in with her. "Sounds like her. She was on a warpath after Tsing was taken out, and just freaking bolted out of there after the game as soon as Kane's debrief was over."

"Clarke was _worried_." Lexa insisted, needing to voice the words, needing to remind them of the goodness Clarke had fueling her, and of how she had failed the blonde in that regard.

Lexa hoped it was the last failure, but it was a failure nonetheless.

_"Mom?"_

The strained, groggy voice from the bed froze everyone in the room, Lexa's heart cracking at how weakly voiced that single word was. It was the quick realization of what word had been spoken that shattered it into shrapnel, noticing Jason's hand resting hesitantly on Clarke's forearm, watching Anya pull Clarke's hand up for a kiss, knowing the one person Clarke instinctively called out for wasn't there to soothe the blonde.

People were supposed to look out for their family, even when they disappointed them.  So when it was Jason to gently rub at the blonde's arm while speaking up, the utter devastation on Clarke's face, even if just for a split second, was one more tragedy under her watch. There was no protecting Clarke from that reality, not anymore, and she found herself struggling against Octavia's hold once more. For whatever it was worth, Lincoln's girlfriend was stronger than she looked.

"Hey there, princess. It's Uncle Nyko, you're in the hospital, but you're going to be okay, alright?" Jason soothed, his nervous rambling somehow managing to sound reassuring. Clarke's alert blues darted over to him for a moment before growing hazy when Anya brought Clarke's hand up to her lips again.

"Nyko?" Clarke asked, both syllables wobbling out of her, lower lip trembling, before turning her head ever so slightly, enough to catch sight of her cousin. "Anya?" The blonde cried out with fresh tears slipping down past her temples, eyes clamping shut when Clarke tried to turn her head another inch closer.

 "I'm here, my sky girl. We're...we're all here, Clarke." Anya murmured, voice thick and straining, her cousin's emotional walls collapsing one by one by the second as Clarke scanned the room with her eyes. The slightest slump of the younger blonde's shoulders after a few seconds of clear expectation, the faintest hitched breath, all had a fresh fury boiling within Anya; that much was clear in those dark amber eyes.

Anya was a handful when she was angry. Anya was overbearing when she was sad. But when Anya was both sad and angry, that's when shit would hit the fan, and Lexa could see her cousin clearly building towards that point as Clarke's desperate heartbreak and confusion grew more visible.

"W...why am I in the hospital? Why does my head hurt so much?" Clarke managed to get out, clearer than Lexa had expected given the practical torrent of tears streaming down the girl's face.

Anya's mouth shot open to explain, to help Clarke understand, but nothing came out. The only thing that rushed up was the blood to Anya's cheeks and the tears building in her eyes. When her cousin's mouth clamped shut again, expression turning stony immediately, it only took Raven a half second to pitch in for her. "You beat Caris at the blue line again and scored. She sent you into the boards when you were mid-shot...apparently, Lexa thought she was being shady, but it's totally on the bitch, everyone knows that. And you're gonna be fine in a few weeks when your concussion and neck heal up, but right now it's alright if you're confused or can't remember everything, okay?"

"Your friends have been getting your place all set up for your recovery, Clarke. You'll be allowed to go home in the morning...Ellie and I will settle you in ourselves." Nyko added with a smile, a kind gesture that likely didn't escape the blonde, though it might not have been what she'd been hoping for, all things considered.

Clarke was stock still for one, two, three long seconds before offering the slightest of nods and a sheepish smile. "Thanks, Nyko, Ellie. I can always count on you guys. And we still have to finish _'Big Hero 6_ ', Ellie, so I hope you're good for keeping me company soon."

"Uh huh! We can watch Tangled, too!" The little girl exclaimed, clearly satisfied with Clarke's health if the older girl was capable of watching movies with the munchkin. Lexa envied the girl's innocence.

"Sounds like a plan, sugarplum." Clarke noted warmly, before shifting her gaze towards Anya, gritting and whining as she rotated her head to face her. "Anya, I n...need you to...to listen to me, okay?" Clarke managed to get out, as strangled with pain as each word was.

" _Clarke_..." Anya growled in warning, the severity a clear sign that her cousin was close to the breaking point already.

" _No_ , Anya. This...this isn't your fault." Clarke shot back, that familiar challenge and passion in her voice, even if it was splintered with the clear pain the blonde was experiencing. Anya, for her part, just set her jaw, all hard and unrelenting, and cast her eyes downwards, only the slightest tremor from her bottom lip. Clarke let out a sigh, and probably rolled her eyes from the sound of it. "Anya, I love you. I love you, and I...I love that you're here for me, but... I need you to give yourself a break."

At this point, Anya had the tendency to clam up, shoot daggers with her eyes, and storm out. So Lexa was more than a little surprised, and a bit panicked, when that steely jaw began to tremble, Anya shaking her head in defeat as her shoulders heaved and silent sobs escaped her.

Immediately, Lexa broke free of Octavia's hold and rushed over, kneeling at her cousin's side as Raven embraced Anya, pressing kisses to her head as she cried. It was honestly possibly the most openly emotional Anya'd let herself be in years, and like hell if she'd let her go through that alone. "It's not your fault, Anya. It's not. I should have told her, and I didn't, so you didn't do this, Anya." She insisted quietly, against Anya's hastened head shaking.

"I love you, so you have to listen to me. Lexa's right that you're not to blame. We all know it. Look...we'll talk later when you're feeling less furious, okay?" Clarke asked softly, drawing another immediate nod from Anya, who got to wiping away her tears, ever so slowly reeling in her rampant emotions for the time being. "Octavia, Nyko, can you...can you take everyone to the café for some food? I could hear your stomach rumble from all the way over here, O."

"Are you sure?" Octavia asked, some of that anger having burned away enough for the worry in her eyes to show.

"I love you all, but I...I just need a moment..." Clarke let out tiredly, a request that Lexa was fairly sure everyone was willing to respect and accommodate, given the circumstances. Clarke had always been so strong, it couldn’t be easy to deal with a situation where everyone got to see her when she was weak, and sad, and confused, and heartbroken. “...and Raven, I think Anya could use some of that Ritter chocolate the café has hanging around. The one with coconut inside.”

Raven offered a sad smile and ushered her girlfriend to the door with the rest of the reluctant group. It was only when Lexa was halfway through the doorway that she thought she heard the blonde call for her. It was a bit silly, but she turned her head regardless, and was stunned to see Clarke staring straight at her. “Lexa, stay...please.”

Unsure how to feel about being alone with Clarke, knowing everything she’d done, Lexa felt a strong urge to escape. However, a stronger urge to face justice, and own up to the damage she’d cost Clarke held her in place as the others shuffled by her, Anya trailing a hand down her arm as she passed in a measure of support.

Not that she deserved any.

“I never meant to turn you into this.” Lexa spoke as her body sagged, voice weak from the pain that knowledge saturated her with. “I should have told you.”

Clarke’s sigh did nothing to burn away her guilt. “Okay...say you told me about Caris. Or maybe you reprimand her before the game, what then? I...I still would have blitzed her at the blue line.” Clarke stated, what firmness she tried to convey softened by her clear exhaustion. “I would have gone for that goal no matter what. Caris would have been angry, no matter what you could have said. Nothing would have changed. It’s not your fault.”

Clarke offered some compelling reasoning, but it didn’t cover everything. It certainly didn’t cover the principle of the matter. “Caris was excited to face your team. Too excited. I should have said something.”

“It wouldn’t have made a difference, Lexa.” Clarke sighed, entirely missing the point, yet again. Which, well, she couldn’t blame the blonde for, since she was the one who helped put her in the hospital with a concussion.

“It would have. _To me_ , it would have.” Lexa insisted, fists clenched, fingernails cutting hard into her palms with how hard she was working to keep from shaking. Clarke was supposed to be tearing her a new one, not absolving her.

It wasn’t right.

“You shouldn’t feel guilty.” Clarke started again, drawing an unsanctioned huff, a reaction that only further incensed Lexa to get the blonde to change topics if she wasn’t going to rail against her over this. However, Clarke’s mouth managed to move faster than her own once Lexa’s opened up to speak. “Don’t even, Lexa. It’s just... _I knew_ , okay?”

Lexa’s jaw hung open for a few long seconds as her brain willed itself to solve the absurd puzzle Clarke set out before her. Yet, try as she might, she couldn’t make sense of it. “What? How? Who told you?”

“Not about Caris, Lexa. Don’t be an idiot.” The blonde chided her, a whine settling into her voice as eyelids drooped slightly across those familiar, gorgeous blues. It was hard to appreciate the insult when Clarke was so clearly wiped, and so frustration took priority instead.

 “What the hell do you mean, then?” She asked, needing some clarity, or for Clarke to just end this, because nothing was making sense.

“You didn’t have to say anything to me.” Clarke continued, both in adding to the dialogue, and in continuing her nonsensical speech. Lexa could only lift her eyebrows expectantly, needing clarity, for once, even if she deserved this torture. “You didn’t have to warn me. I _know_ you worry, I _know_ you care.”

Fourteen words had never felt sharper in her life than the ones Clarke let out, infesting the air and making each new breath feel like her lungs were being stabbed from the inside. “That’s...why...Clarke, I just...”

She was cut off partly by Clarke’s sigh, and partly from the lack of oxygen from the soft, almost adoring expression the blonde fixed her with. “You’re so full of it, Lexa, but I forgive you. That’s what the purple hyacinths are for, right?” Clarke asked, causing Lexa’s eyes to bug out and all moisture to evaporate from her mouth. Surely, Clarke was trying to kill her with what she was managing to do to her body.

It was impossible to speak. Not that Lexa had anything to say about undeserved forgiveness, but her lungs, throat, and mouth weren’t up to the task, especially not when Clarke’s head slowly turned enough to peer at the collection of flowers. “The white heather flowers are beautiful, too. Practically a whole bouquet.” The blonde continued airily, speech finding the blonde with much greater ease, her words reducing Lexa to something of a statue standing halfway across the room from the girl she cared far too much for. “I’m a lucky girl...even if I don’t need your protection.”

Lexa felt her heart plummet through her stomach at the words, knees beginning to shake from the weight of her frame. The truth of Clarke’s rejection was fair, but it didn’t change how much it seared her soul to hear it.

“That said, it doesn’t mean I wouldn’t mind seeing it in action. So I guess I’ll accept, if that’s alright by you.” Clarke added, tearing a strangled gasp from Lexa as hope lifted her heart back into her chest, unbidden tears blocking out the sight of the blonde as she nodded silently, more than willing to keep Clarke safe. This was her second chance.

This was her chance to make it right, to fight her fear and embrace weakness. Embrace another chance at love.

“I can’t remember what the tulips stand for...they’re pretty, though.” Clarke mused openly, touching on the last of the flowers Lexa had brought with her. She'd wanted to express her remorse, she'd wanted to let Clarke know she wouldn't let her be hurt like this again. And lastly, perhaps less importantly, she wanted to show her affection, if Clarke would accept it.

It was the blonde's brow furrowing in concentration, the slight, soft pout jutting out, that had words forming in her throat before she could filter them. Lexa didn't want to exhaust the girl over something she could readily answer. "Beautiful eyes." She blurted out, immediately regaining Clarke's attention, those previously tired eyes as wide and alert as they ever were. It had Lexa feeling a little anxious, being so forward, so maybe her gaze dropped to her feet. "It's meant to tell someone that...that they have beautiful eyes." She continued, her gaze flicking around the room, blushing hard even having been a little indirect about it all.

 Clarke's warm, happy hum had Lexa daring to meet the blonde's gaze again. "Thank you. That's really sweet of you, Lexa." Clarke whispered, swallowing hard before ever so slightly gesturing Lexa closer with her hand. "Sit with me?"

It was an offer she couldn't refuse, not with Clarke staring at her with such softness. Undeserving or not, she'd do what she could to earn it, crossing the room to sit up by the blonde's head. "Of course, Clarke." She murmured, reaching out to hold the blonde's hand, pulling back at the last moment, unsure if she had permission, if it was right.

Clarke made the decision for her, closing that last inch and entwining their fingers.  "I'm glad you're here."

Lexa nodded, swallowing down the asteroid lodged in her throat. _Earn it...earn it...make it right..._

"Would you..." Clarke began, before clamping shut, cheeks blooming red and rosy, eyes averting.

_Almost as if she was shy..._ Lexa thought to herself, bringing her other hand to stroke their conjoined set. _Why, though...?_ "What?"

"Will you visit me?" Clarke asked, teeth biting down into that lovely lower lip, hard enough to have Lexa spike with worry, not at all understanding the hesitation. It wasn't Clarke who kept a mile of distance between her and everything else.

And while visits sounded as intimidating as they did wonderful, maybe Anya really was right. Maybe love wasn't weakness at all. Maybe love really could make a person more than what they were. That just because she lost herself after Costia, and nearly lost herself when Clarke hit the boards, it didn't mean that she couldn't find new parts with Clarke to build herself back up again. It didn't mean that she couldn't be someone that could help Clarke grow, either.

"I'd like that." Lexa whispered, those three words making it past the mass of emotions caught in her throat, but the dazzling smile that spread across Clarke's lips was so incredibly worth it.

"I'd like that, too." Clarke let out, half laughing before her eyes drooped a lit lower. "Feelin' sleepy, though."

Lexa ran a thumb over the back of Clarke's hand, swallowing back the memories of times Clarke fell asleep with or near her in the past. How vulnerable the blonde had been around her before, and how, with the renewed squeeze of her hand, Clarke didn't seem to want her to leave her alone to sleep this time either.

"You do need to rest, Clarke. We have time until you're discharged...we'll be here when you wake, I promise. I'll be here." Lexa promised, halfway wanting to lift Clarke's hand to her lips for a kiss, but she knew it wouldn't be appropriate. Maybe in the future, but not after today.

"You're sweet.  Just remember, okay?" Clarke asked, her question not helping her understand the blonde. She cocked an eyebrow in question and got a light sigh from the bedridden girl. "You did nothing wrong. There's nothing to forgive, but if there was, you're forgiven. I need you to remember that. I need you to take care of yourself, and take care of Anya."

It wasn't something Lexa felt entirely certain she could hold herself to, but Clarke seemed insistent. The least she could do was look after Anya and try to stay by Clarke until she had to leave. "I will."

Clarke's eyes closed fully as the blonde yet out a contented hum. "Always sleep better when you're near. S' nice."

Lexa just held Clarke's hand, hoping the girl couldn't hear how fast and heavy her heart beat at hearing the admission. Still, she'd been told how she could help, and so she scooted the chair as close as possible in hopes it'd aid in Clarke falling asleep and getting much-needed rest.

There'd be time for caring for anyone else later. She trusted Raven could take care of Anya for a few more minutes.

* * *

 

Never in her life had chocolate and coconut tasted so bland and unfulfilling. Nothing tasted good, but Anya knew it had nothing to do with the food, and everything to do with the storm of emotions rattling in her skull. Try as she might, she couldn't make heads or tails of any particular feeling or any particular thought.

For the first time in her life, everything felt scrambled, and she wasn't sure how to handle it. Maybe if a thought or feeling lasted longer than a fleeting moment before being replaced by another, she could work towards some semblance of clarity, but she couldn't grasp anything long enough.

Her body burned with frustration, and it was only Raven's presence and Clarke's positive prognosis that kept her from imploding, but even then, she felt herself creeping towards some sort of proverbial emotional cliff.

She'd already just barely avoided a complete breakdown earlier with the help of Raven. She didn't want to risk that again, but as she sat in the café, Anya wasn't sure how to avoid it. It all had her on edge and feeling entirely helpless, a feeling she was not at all comfortable with.

_Well, the least I can do is avoid having it in a hospital...I need to get out of here..._ Anya mused to herself as she promptly got to her feet, just as quickly finding Raven's hand at her elbow.

"Where you headed?" Raven asked, no urgency or concern in her voice, just open curiosity shining in her eyes. As if Anya hadn't been at her breaking point a half dozen times since she'd arrived at the hospital.

"Out." Anya noted quietly, grabbing her coat and slipping it on, only to still in place as Raven did the same.  "What are you doing?"

"I can't want to spend time with my girlfriend?" Raven asked with a bit too much innocence to be sincere, the woman clearly trying to mix in some of her usual lighthearted humour.

Anya wasn't sure it'd work this time around. "You should stay, for Clarke."

"What'd I tell you earlier? We'll be all over her for the next week, so much that she'll probably get real tired of me. She'll be fine without me for a little while. Besides, Lexa's with her." Raven countered, leaving Anya with very little to work with in terms of material that could dissuade her girlfriend.

It wasn't that she didn't trust Raven. She just didn't want to lose her. It was hard enough to admit to falling in love with Raven, but she'd been so charmed by her, and it hadn't been difficult to tell that the woman had changed her understanding of Anya after Thursday night's events.

Raven was falling for the Anya who was the stable rock for Clarke, for Lexa, for Lincoln. What would happen when Raven realized that she wasn't the angel her girlfriend likened her to? Even she could fall to the earth. When she did, she was rarely graceful in her descent.

The last thing she wanted was to scare her away so early.

"I'm just going for a walk, clear my head." Anya grumbled as she made her way to the exit.

"I liked the last walk we went on." Raven added wryly as she fell in step with Anya. "I won't talk unless you initiate, though. Just know I'm here."

Anya wasn't sure what to think about that, so she just nodded, certain that with Raven being nearly as stubborn as she was, there'd be no talking the woman out of it.

She trudged through the halls of the hospital and out the front exit, into the cool evening air. A warm front had moved in after the blizzard, but it was still cold enough for her to feel the chill seep into her as she shoved her hands into her pockets, having forgotten her gloves back in the car.

Anya knew she couldn't walk off too far, not wanting to be too far away in case of emergency, but she knew the riverway and emerald necklace wasn't far away, and that would prove far more soothing than any of the cold, hard surfaces she'd been surrounded by the past few hours.

It took a mere few minutes to get to the area and find a bench that wasn't too snow encrusted to sit on. Even in the darkness, with just the lampposts to light up the pathways, it was beautiful. Soothing enough for her heartrate to calm slightly, and for that tangle inside of her head to loosen ever so slightly.

Raven sat down directly beside her, thigh to thigh; whether it was out of a desire to keep warm or just to firmly establish her presence, Anya wasn't sure, but she appreciated the closeness. For whatever reason, Raven helped her feel like she was on stable ground, or at least more so than otherwise.

It was Raven leaning ever so slightly against her, and resting her head on Anya's shoulder that had her feeling strong enough to start. Inefficient as it might have been, the beginning seemed like as good a place as any.

"It felt like my heart imploded, when she hit the boards." Anya said, words leaving her all dull and flat, all her emotions still too tangled up to attach to much of anything with any consistency, so she'd just pushed out syllables.  Whatever, it was progress. "I couldn't breathe. It was only my refusal to lose my best friend that kept me from feeling the full brunt of the fear."

She felt Raven nod slightly against her shoulder, wrapping an arm around Anya's and nestling in closer. For all Raven's vocalized insecurities about not being good at comforting, she sure was proving herself wrong, given how much safer and calmer she felt from the small bit of affection.

"I've never dealt with anything like this. Heartbreak, yes. Emotional and mental trauma, yes. Grieving loss, yes. I'd...I'd never watched a loved one get brutalized before." Anya continued, feeling the words flowing a little more freely now, even if that burning anger inside of her was still growing bit by bit. "I usually get angry and sad, but this time around...it's been a lot of sad, and my anger's been at the edges, just waiting...and I've been angry before, but I've never felt _this_."

"It's okay to be angry, Anya." Raven murmured, but Anya could only shake her head, not feeling as if she'd made herself clear.

"Not like this. I'm...fuck, I'm actually kind of...scared, I suppose...because I can usually tap into it and vent, but it's just...I can't get a hold of it. But it's growing and burning like embers in my chest, and I'm still so fucking sad about everything, but I feel like I'm going to blow up any minute, because Clarke doesn't deserve _any_ of this." Anya clarified, hands shaking as she felt a wave of something she couldn't peg down flow through her. She'd consider it tension if not for the feeling that there was a damned black hole forming in her chest, tearing away at everything inside, bit by bit, leaving nothing behind.

Maybe she was scared a little bit. On any other day, she would have denied it, but after all the scares today, it was a little easier to admit.

"We can handle this, Anya. Just like before, let's do some of those breathing exercises you taught me." Raven spoke, the nerves audibly adding a slight tremor to her voice.

Her girlfriend was sweet, but breathing exercises wouldn't do. Not this time. "How can I even breathe knowing Clarke's in that hospital bed in pain? I was supposed to lead my team and control them! Caris was under my watch and I failed Clarke, Raven..."

"It's not your fault, Anya. Clarke said as much." Raven interjected, but Anya could feel everything building inside of her faster than that dense void tearing away in her chest could break it down.

"I let her down! She's my best friend, and I couldn't keep her safe! Now she's got a major head injury, she's in constant pain, and...and she's had such a fucking bad year and she's so scared and sad and..." Anya ranted, shrugging off Raven's attempts to hug her by scrambling to her feet, hand running down her face as everything became clear, like a dagger slicing through her body en route to her brain to sever the tangles. Pain erupted in her chest as a horse sob escaped her. "She doesn't deserve this!"

Raven may have been a quick study the other night, but the woman was staring at her wide eyed and wary. "Anya, _I know_. And we'll make it right."

"We _can't_ make it right, Raven! How the fuck do we make this right?!"  She let out, words erupting out of her as if she was a damned volcano whose fury spent ten thousand years cracking free of its cage. "You _heard_ her!"

Raven stared on initially in confusion before a look of clarity crossed her face. "Anya, angel, we can't do..."

But it was too much. Anya felt it all sloshing inside of her desperate to be freed, and she needed to let go of all the terrifying rage. She managed to grab hold of her phone and pull up her contact list, having stored the number there in case of absolute emergencies, of which this was enough of one.

"Her first word, Raven! How could she do that to Clarke?! How..." Anya raged, voice cracking open at the end there, enough to abandon the unspoken question and focus on dialing Abigail Griffin's number.

It was entirely absurd and irresponsible and wrong and with everything in her head freed up, she found that particular thread was difficult to move on from.

"Anya, Clarke _told us_ she doesn't talk to her mom anymore." Raven noted, but though her words were true, the Clarke back in the hospital room proved those words false. She'd seen the devastation on Clarke's face clear as day when those blue eyes scanned the room and didn't find the one person she cried out for.

"Clarke's her child, Raven! She has no _right_ to...to..." Anya stammered out, only to feel her heart seize as the call went straight to the woman's voicemail after a single ring.

_"You've reached the phone of Dr. Abby Griffin. If you can leave your number and message after the tone, I will get back to you as soon as possible."_ The message was sterile and impersonal, barely a hint of warmth in the woman's words, leaving Anya wondering what kind of mother Clarke had grown up with even prior to her father's death.

As soon as the tone hit, words started flowing out from her core. "My name is Anya Pine, 617-763-5923, I'm calling from the Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center on Brookline, and in case Nyko's calls weren't important enough to answer, your daughter's been hurt and suffered major head trauma, so you'd better be heading out the door or on your way right now or so help me god..."

The sound of the voicemail cutting her message off so quickly stunned Anya, but only for a moment before she let out a growl and dialed again, body vibrating with rage at being cut off, at Clarke's mother's absence, at Clarke being abandoned.

_"You've reached the phone of Dr. Abby Griffin. If you can leave your number and message after the tone, I will get back to you as soon as possible."_

"I swear to god if you're not here soon, whatever you could have had with Clarke will be _over_ , because there's no coming back from something like this. You've hurt her so much this year, you need to _make it right_. You're a mother, your children are supposed to come first! There's no way to make up for failing your damn child so fucking badly if you don't get here! And for the goddamn record..."

Anya's eyes clenched shut, her entire body going tense and rigid at the sound of getting cut off again. "What kind of fucking voice mail is set to leave tiny fucking goddamn messages!"

"Anya, come back here, _please_. Sit with me." Raven pleaded, reaching out with a hand that was so enticing, so utterly seductive, but she needed to be free. Whatever was building was feeling more and more toxic, burning her inside out, and she needed it out of her system.

"I can't...soon, Raven, I promise, trust me. Please just...trust me..." Anya grit out, white knuckling her phone as her eyes shut from the pain rolling through her with every heartbeat. "...and please don't leave me. _Please_."

The last request slipped out unbidden, and had her feeling like if Raven said the wrong word, she'd burn away into ash right then and there.

Instead, she heard the crunch of snow under boots, and felt arms wrapping around her, a body lightly pressing against her back. "Go off on her, then. I'm not going anywhere."

Just the feeling of Raven holding her gave her that stability again, enough for her to redial Clarke's mom, even if it did nothing to quell her anger.

_"You've reached the phone of Dr. Abby Griffin. If you can leave your number and message after the tone, I will get back to you as soon as possible."_ Anya heard as she took a shaky breath and took hold of as much of that anger inside, knowing the woman on the other end was wholly deserving of it.

"Clarke is a _good person_ , she doesn't deserve this, and you know it, Abby! You can't hate her for following her dream and loving her dad! Everyone loses someone they love, it's important to grieve, but you don't destroy your daughter in the process! You don't _abandon your child_!" Anya bit out, ending her call just before the voicemail cut-off time, before dialing again.

_"You've reached the phone of Dr. Abby Griffin. If you can leave your number and message after the tone, I will get back to you as soon as possible."_

"You left her alone in the world without a parent! Do you know how terrifying that is?! To lose someone like that in your life?! To have to pick yourself up and be an adult when you're still a kid?! To be alone and scared because your world's turned upside down and you have no one to turn to?! And all this responsibility and all these sacrifices..." She felt the tears burning their way up her throat, swelling her face before breaking off down her cheeks like they'd crashed through a levee. She felt the bones from the skeletons long chained in her closet crack open and tear their way up her esophagus, rendering each and every word bloody from the terror and hopelessness etched into them by the nine year old girl she used to be.

She didn't even know she'd dialed again until she heard the message start up again.

_"You've reached the phone of Dr. Abby Griffin. If you can leave your number and message after the tone, I will get back to you as soon as possible."_

"Fuck your _ethics_ , Abby! Fuck your grief, your daughter's hurt! You don't just get to abandon your child when she needs you most, you're a MOTHER! You're supposed to love and support her! And if Jake Griffin was near the man Clarke told me about, he had to see _some_ good in you! He can't be here for her, but _you can_!" Anya seethed, ending her call and dialing again quickly, ignoring how her hands were shaking so much she could barely grip her phone, how much effort it took to hold back the chorus of sobs stacking up in her chest.

_"You've reached the phone of Dr. Abby Griffin. If you can leave your number and message after the tone, I will get back to you as soon as possible."_

Anya hesitated for just a moment, enough for Raven to give her waist a tiny squeeze, transferring enough strength for one last message, nearly all of her anger burned away, only leaving searing pain and devastation in its wake. "Take the next flight. You've failed her for long enough. Get over yourself and make this right, Abby. Clarke deserves better, and she's going to get it, with or without you, but if you don't come now, you'll be hurting her. I won't let you hurt Clarke again. She'll be back at the condo after six tomorrow morning if you come that late. The rest of her family will be waiting."

Anya felt all the strength in her body evaporate as she ended the call, the air around her suddenly suffocating and cold as death, barely letting her take in a strangled breath. Raven slowed her descent and angled them both to a seated position, Anya sideways on her girlfriend's lap, one hand on her back and the other at her midsection.

She waited for the rebuke. She waited for the criticism. She waited for the anger, the yelling, the accusations of her having crossed the line. Hell, Anya knew she'd crossed the line in calling Clarke's mom, but she did what she felt was right. But even that felt hollow as she fought to catch her breath and find some semblance of strength, Raven loosely holding her in place as seconds ticked by.

Each passing second drew Anya further and further inwards, all those old memories and emotions long buried away far too exposed now to just stash away again. She could feel the fear and shame and worthlessness pushing in from the edges of her mind as her teeth sunk into her lip, trying so hard to contain the emotions, but she was so damn tired.

Her eyes closed as the first sob erupted from her, just barely having enough left in her reserves to stem the tide for a few more seconds as she tried to stand again.

"No way, angel, you're staying right here." Raven whispered as she held Anya in place, firmly this time, one arm around her waist, and the other shifting to cradle her head. "You're so strong...you can afford to rest for a bit, 'kay?"

Anya felt bile in her mouth at the assertion. "How can you say that? I'm not...I'm..."

Raven's lips met her cheek, then her temple, before her girlfriend's nose nuzzled at her ear. "Shut up. I don't like feeling vulnerable either, Anya, but you're gonna have to deal. And I'll be here holding you until we can get back to that hospital, because..." Raven's voice drifted off for a moment before her girlfriend let out an annoyed grunt. "...because... _fuck_ , I'm here for you. I'm falling in love with you, too, and I literally can't be anywhere else. I couldn't. We're handling this together. It's not all on you, angel, so let's just...let's rest up."

Raven may not have been the best with words, but she could feel the sincerity in how the woman held her, in how each syllable came out more determined and sure than the next.  It'd been so long since anyone had even offered to handle a major crisis alongside her; usually all the responsibility was thrust on her, and she'd long since accepted that.

But there Raven was, not only offering to bear that weight with her, but to hold her up when it got to be too much. Anya was pretty sure it was the utter novelty and newness of having someone to support her in that sense that had her letting go, allowing her body to cry out from all the day's agonies, letting herself curl into Raven and be held as her sorrows flooded out of her.

Even with the cold night air swirling around them, Anya felt warmth slowly budding inside of her amidst the wreckage the day's events had both caused and brought back to the surface. A gentle, thawing heat flowing from her chest outwards to her extremities as Raven pressed fluttering kisses to her head and hair, and while it couldn't make everything alright, and couldn't heal Clarke back to good, it did have Anya feeling more refreshed and ready to face the world again. To take all those responsibilities back on her shoulders again.

Anya wasn't sure how long it was until she felt ready to head back inside, but when she turned her head to face Raven's, the mechanic didn't seem at all impatient or frustrated, instead just watching her closely, likely gauging her for any sign of weariness.

"Are you feeling better?" Raven asked softly, dark eyes never leaving her own.

Anya swallowed hard and cupped the back of Raven's head, pulling her in for a kiss that lingered like the last embers of a campfire, all languid and hazy heat. She felt the slightest spike of rejection when Raven abruptly pulled her head away enough to create distance, but even in the dim light, her girlfriend's cheeks were as red as Rudolf's nose.

"Can we do that in the hospital, instead of out here? Because if we start that here, I'm not sure...anyway, yeah. Just, uh...what was that for?" Raven asked piling a second question onto her first, though the latter had seemed self explanatory.

Anya caressed Raven's cheek as she moved off her girlfriend's lap, pulling the both of them to their feet. "You get my head swarming with all kinds of sappy poetry...and it's either I recite it, or I kiss you."

She watched the puzzled frown transform into as bright as smile as she'd seen Raven direct her way. "Really? I mean, uh, don't get me wrong, I'm all for kissing, but you know, I wouldn't be opposed to some sweet words coming from you."

Anya felt a laugh bubble up inside of her, and allowed it to have its freedom as it rang through the evening air. "At a more appropriate time. We do have a date Wednesday...don't you want to be wooed?"

Raven's laugh was maybe a little unexpected. "You wooed me a long time ago, Anya, but I guess it couldn't hurt to leave some more for later. But just for the record, your hand looks awful heavy, you should let me hold it for you." Raven teased with a grin, shooting off some of her usual humour that, in their current sort of context, always seemed like a distraction from whatever her girlfriend might be feeling.

She'd give Raven all the time necessary to process, and then she'd see what the issue had been later on. Much like she was sure Raven would ask about her outburst when leaving messages for Clarke's mother. For now, she'd concede to the request, offering her girlfriend her hand.

Raven happily took hold of it and led her away from the park and back towards the hospital. Anya wasn't sure what lied in wait for the night ahead, but she was sure she'd face it with Raven at her side. At the moment, that was more than enough.

* * *

 

It had taken a lot of wheedling and emotional manipulation on her and Octavia's part, but eventually, they'd managed to get the green light from the hospital staff to let two visitors stay in Clarke's room overnight, with a third hanging out in the nearby waiting room. Raven had thought it to be a success, even if some others, including her girlfriend, had felt otherwise. After a lot of haggling among the group, they had Lexa and Anya staying in, with Raven out in the waiting room.

Predictably, Anya had demanded to be a sentry outside, just in case any 'trouble' showed up. By trouble, Raven was a hundred percent certain she meant Clarke's mom. However, the woman was exhausted from the day's events, and it was clear to anyone with eyes that Anya needed to be with Clarke, and she knew Clarke would rest easier with Anya around.

Of course, Anya requested they switch out at some point so they could both get some rest, but it was an easy sacrifice to make.

She'd made a quick trip back home for some blankets, stopping off at the doorway to take in the sight. Anya's chair was practically fused to the hospital bed, her girlfriend halfway slumped over and using Clarke's arm as a pillow. On the other side, Lexa had one hand holding Clarke's, and the other holding an e-reader. Clarke herself was fast asleep, some clear discomfort furrowing her brow and curling at her lips.

"How are our girls?" Raven asked quietly as she stepped into the room, alerting Lexa of her presence.  In a way, it felt a little like the tables were turned, and they were back in the park where Lexa had interrogated her. Except this time around, she was in the position to ask Lexa about her intentions.

"They're both sleeping well enough. Clarke refused to take pain medication, but aside from that, she's been resting pretty steadily." Lexa answered with a cautious smile.

"Good." Raven noted simply as she took one of her blankets and spread it across Anya's shoulders, taking the second and covering Clarke with it. "So how long have you been holding her hand?"

Raven kept her gaze averted for a moment or two to give Lexa time to control her reaction. She didn't need to see the instincts, she needed whatever rose to the surface. Whatever Lexa was willing to feel. "Since the nurse left an hour ago."

"Mmmh. So I have two things to say before I leave you, since the security here's pretty serious about keeping it to two per room." Raven stated, meeting Lexa's immediately curious, if slightly concerned gaze. "One, listen to Clarke. None of this is your fault, so you'd better not blame yourself and do some typical shit about making it up to her. Let her decide what debts need paying. Don't put her on a pedestal, she won't like that. She's your equal, so listen to her. Trust her. Believe her."

Lexa swallowed hard at that, but between the slight glimmer of understanding in her eyes and the small nod, she figured that she'd at least made her point clear. "And second?"

"When are you gonna ask her out on a date?" Raven asked, barely containing her laughter as Lexa's eyes went big and wide as an owl's, the girl's cheeks flushing red. "I'm serious. She won't be playing hockey or practicing for a few weeks, but it won't take long to get her back doing regular everyday stuff. That's a lot of free time. Don't wait too long, don't take her for granted."

"I..." Lexa began, before swallowing her words, head turning to stare off out the window. "I don't want to screw this up."

Raven could understand that. She'd been faced with a similar dilemma when she'd been crushing on Anya. "It's not going to be perfect. It's just not. But you can take a leap of faith and hope for the best. I mean, you're lucky...you already know she likes you. You already know some things about her. It'll be fine...just plan something simple where you can get to know her better. That's it."

"You make it sound so easy." Lexa mumbled with a shake of her head.

"At least you're not relying on weeks of brief gym visits and one-liners to warm Clarke to you. Trust me, you'll be alright." Raven noted with a wry grin, knowing it'd all been worth it with Anya, but Lexa had a seemingly easier path ahead of her, at least in terms of figuring out how compatible they were. The two had known each other for a while, and Clarke was into Lexa, so in Raven's eyes, that made it pretty simple, even if Lexa had baggage to deal with.

Everyone had baggage. Raven knew that much, and she knew Clarke would help with Lexa's, and had a good feeling that Lexa would help with Clarke's.

"Anyway, I'll be out in the waiting room if you need me." Raven said as she tossed the final blanket at Lexa, the girl scrambling to catch it with her hands already full. Raven just laughed and headed out the door, knowing she probably had a lengthy night ahead of her.

Knowing Clarke would be discharged at six at least gave her something to look forward to, and it was that which helped pass the time, knowing no matter what happened, Clarke would be staying put for a few more hours.

It was around midnight when Anya came out to relieve her, Raven offering her girlfriend a brief kiss and hug before taking her place back at Clarke's bedside. However, thirty minutes later without sleep, she'd made her way back out to the waiting room, taking a seat beside Anya, curling up with her and finding her mind far less active.

Anya's hand rubbing up and down her back was all that was necessary to lull her into sleep despite the noise of the ER.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> H-okay! So this took forever and a day to finish. A did some trimming in the editing phase, leaving some material for a later chapter so as to not make this one so immensely dense. Some of that got trimmed from the Anya POV scene near the end there, which I'll be thankful for when I implement it, because I won't have to go into that mindset so deeply again, at least not pulling those emotions out of me to help guide the dialogue and actions, since a fair bit's been shifted to the future already.
> 
> For those worried about a potential lack of hockey, this chapter's events won't keep the number of hockey-related scenes from cropping up with more frequency. We'll be seeing Clarke getting back into shape, doing drills, and whatnot soon enough, and other characters will still keep playing, of course. 
> 
> BTW, in case anyone's interested, I paraphrased parts of Joe Pavelski's mid-game speech (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nxnG3VMFHlg), and Anya's a bit less...scattered and expletive-filled in her delivery here, but hockey players are not known for making well crafted speeches, especially right after a shift, haha
> 
> Last chapter was the start of the clexa courtship. Lexa's still got some kinks to iron out in terms of her insecurities and guilt, but keep in mind that in this chapter, she's fresh off of having a rush of old fears resurfacing without warning, and she's overwhelmed and not thinking 100% clearly.
> 
> Anywho, I hope you enjoyed! Thanks for reading!


	16. Chapter 16

“I’m not helpless, this is ridiculous.” Clarke grumbled as Nyko and Anya guided her into the condo complex, each of them ducked under her arms, practically carrying her. It wasn’t as if she couldn’t walk on her own, even if she was a little dizzy and had a pounding headache.

“Not taking any chances, princess. You heard the docs, straight bed rest for at least another twenty-four hours, and likely more.” Nyko stated, earning a quick nod in agreement from Anya as they helped her into the elevator. Everyone else had gone home to shower and change, but apparently her condo would be a hotspot for the rest of the weekend.

All the people not playing hockey had promised to stay with her while her Eagles played the Huskies in the second of the back to back games that weekend. Clarke desperately wanted to play, but she knew she wasn’t in any shape for it, and even going to watch seemed hazardous to her health, with how the bright sunlight and the bright fluorescent lights were causing her pain.

She hoped they could best the Huskies and keep ahead in the season series. The Beanpot and conference championships were coming up quickly, and they needed every win they could muster.

 _At least we won yesterday...worst case scenario is they win and beat us in goal differential, but they’ve got ground to make up against us..._ Clarke mused as the elevator ascended up the tower.

As soon as the doors opened, Clarke was dragged down the hall to her place, Nyko opening the door while Anya hauled Clarke up onto her shoulder and carried her into the bedroom. Clarke let out a huff, but it didn’t deter her best friend in the least.

Still, once she was laid down on the bed, she couldn’t help but realize that there had been changes made to her room. The most prominent being the wealth of potted plants and flowers spread throughout it, and then there was the simple stand holding a decently large television, but the oddest addition was the small stack of sweaters resting on a chair that she also didn’t recognize.

“What is all this?” She asked as Anya settled her into bed, fluffing up her pillows before reclining Clarke against them.

“I asked Lincoln to do a few things around here to help you out over the next few days. It turned out that he caught the attention of some of your neighbours, who pitched in to help when they heard what happened. Mrs Haywood down the hall is apparently a very nice woman who works at some garden center.” Anya noted, pulling the covers up to cover Clarke from the waist down. “Lincoln took my television and TV stand out of storage and set it up, and he brought a chair over for visitors. The sweaters are Lexa’s.”

“Ellie will be back around noon, in time for lunch. Lincoln and Luna did a grocery run and stocked your fridge and pantry, so you should be good for the time being.” Nyko said from the doorway, gesturing with his thumb back towards the kitchen. “I’ll go make some breakfast for us. French toast is fine, right?”

Clarke smiled and gave a thumbs up, sending him off. It was still difficult to wrap her head around being injured, and having so much support through it, but Clarke found herself enjoying it, even if the situation as a whole was more frustrating than anything.

“Thank you so much, Anya. You, Nyko, Lincoln, Lexa, everyone...I couldn’t have asked for this, but I really appreciate what all of you have done for me. I won’t forget it.” Clarke said, resting her hand on Anya’s as the woman tried to set the ice packs up against her neck ‘just so’.

“No thanks are necessary, Clarke. We love you, so we step up when you need us to. We all know you’d do the same for any of us.” Anya declared firmly, casting her eyes around the area one last time before getting on top of the covers and curling up against her. “You’re my best friend, Clarke. I will _always_ take care of you.” Anya added in a whisper, almost as if she feared some sort of rebuke.

Which was ridiculous, because Anya had been nothing but wonderful. Clarke pulled Anya against her side and let out a pleased hum, always more than happy to snuggle with her best friend, especially when Anya needed some comforting herself. “And you’re mine, so trust me when I tell you that you’re not to blame. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“I called your mother.”

Clarke’s body stiffened for a moment, sending a wincing pain through her neck and head, but she immediately relaxed as the image of Anya calling her mother filled her mind.  “What I would have _given_ to hear that conversation.” Clarke said with a tiny laugh, pulling Anya closer.

“It wasn’t a conversation. I only got her _voicemail_.” Anya grumbled, earning another slightly painful laugh as Clarke reminisced, tears of pain and laughter wetting her eyes.

“Is she still using that really short one? I remember calling to say I’d be sleeping over at a friend’s one night. I needed to make three calls to finish up, it’s ridiculous.” Clarke added between laughs, which only bubbled out harder when Anya nodded against her. “Oh god, you must have been furious.”

“I was. I apologize.” Anya stated with more guilt than anyone should feel, so Clarke pushed through the pain to turn her head and press a kiss to Anya’s head. “Clarke, you need to rest and stay still!” Anya chided, but it was no use, Clarke pressing another before returning onto her back.

“Don’t apologize, she deserved it. Whatever you said, I don’t expect her to come. It’s just nice knowing you made the effort and stood up for me, even if I can fight my own battles.” Clarke explained, smiling when Anya shifted halfway on top of her, resting her head on Clarke’s shoulder. “You barely got any sleep last night. Rest up, okay? We have time. It’s only quarter after six.”

Anya let out an annoyed huff against her neck. “But what if...”

“No buts. Nyko makes good breakfasts, but he’s slow at it, and routinely forgets what he’s doing and has to backtrack. You’ve got at least forty minutes, so take a nap, babe. He’ll get us when it’s ready, and I’m sure Raven will get here to hold the fort soon, too.” Clarke added, tightening her hold on Anya, who thankfully didn’t put up any more of a fight. Though Clarke would have wanted Anya under the covers, she knew the stubborn woman would refuse it, wanting to be able to jump away to defend her at a moment’s notice.

Still, it was nice to keep up her and Anya’s morning ritual to some extent. Even if they weren’t on a walk, they were together, and that meant the world. After having her life shaken up from the game yesterday, it was everything that she could still count on her mornings with Anya.

With Anya’s warm, gentle weight, her slow and steady heartbeat, and the comforting feel of her best friend’s arms around her, even the lingering pain and discomfort wasn’t enough to keep her from falling into blissful slumber.

* * *

 

Clarke woke up to Octavia gently shaking her free shoulder, halfway leaning onto the bed with a knee pressing into the mattress. “Hey, wake up, breakfast’s ready.”

“What time is it?” She asked, blinking away her sleep, pouting that she’d been woken already.

“Seven-thirty. We let you two sleep a little longer, you’re the last to be served.” Octavia answered, running a hand through Clarke’s hair and patting it down to smooth it out. “We’ll bring a tray in. The grumpfruit here’s gotta go get her own, though.”

“Leave her to me, she’ll be up in a minute.” Clarke noted, waiting for Octavia to sneak off out of the room before starting to prod Anya. “Hey, Anya...Anya?”

Her best friend grumbled, curling ever closer into her. “Go ‘way.”

As intimidating as Anya could be, the woman was arguably the most adorably stubborn sleeper. “Come on, babe. I smell apple-cinnamon French toast. I know you love those.”

Anya just growled and buried her face in Clarke’s neck. “Sleepin’.”

“Nope, you have to get up. You gotta eat if you want to be all fast and strong enough to beat my Eagles today.” Clarke stated, barely even mustering a grunt from Anya, who just held on tighter. She’d have to use her wildcard, then. “Anya, my neck hurts, can you get me a fresh ice pack?”

Immediately, Anya shot up in bed, eyes bleary and unfocused as she glanced around and prepared to misguidedly march off to the bathroom. Clarke wrapped her arms around Anya’s waist just in time. “Clarke, let me go.”

“Anya, go get breakfast first.  My neck will be fine until then.” Clarke said, holding firm in her grip until Anya rolled her eyes and gave a resigned huff, eventually marching off to the bedroom door once Clarke let go. “Love you!”

Anya grunted as she made her way out to the kitchen, Clarke knowing the woman would be annoyed, but that her best friend would have a good chunk of the rest of the morning to continue relaxing with her.  And really, Anya absolutely _would_ be cheered up by apple cinnamon French toast.

Clarke let out a yawn as she sat up against her pillows, happy to settle her rumbling stomach even if it meant not being able to leave her bed. It was an annoyance Clarke was sure would grate on her more and more as the day went on, but she'd entertain their requests and demands.

Until game time, at least.

"Okay, French toast...some bacon, scrambled eggs, and home fries." Octavia noted gleefully, carrying the tray of food across to room and settling it over her lap. "We ended up with a bunch of extra food, so you and Anya will have plenty to eat."

Clarke let out a sigh at she looked over the enormous meal, even as she felt the distinct urge to dig into it immediately. "This is something like what I'd eat the morning before a game. I won't be working out for weeks, O. It's too much."

"Then share with Anya, her stomach's a mini black hole on game days, at least from what Lincoln's told me. I'm sure mama bear won't mind eating your scraps." Octavia returned as she sat down at the end of the bed, letting out a laugh at the growl from the doorway.

"Don't call me that." Anya grit out with a huff as she made her way back to bed and settled in beside Clarke, refusing to even look Octavia's way. "But yes, I will eat whatever you won't, Clarke." Her best friend continued, words coming out softer as Anya pulled out two cold packs and positioned them against Clarke's neck.

It sent a chill through her from the sheer coldness, her old packs having long since lost their use. Clarke let out a huff of discomfort before leaning slightly into Anya, who in turn prodded her back into position and curled up against her. Always having been far more comfy resting on her side, Clarke knew her bed rest would only get more frustrating.

"So, Lexa's gonna be by in forty or so, apparently. Just in case you were wondering." Octavia noted as she stretched out across the end of the bed like a cat. "Coach Kane's called for a practice in an hour, the monster. So I'll be heading out in a bit with Raven, and we might not be back until closer to eleven or noon. Is that okay?"

"Of course, O. You two need to take care of the team while I'm gone. Be your best selves at practice today." Clarke insisted, eliciting a groan from her roommate. "Even if the practice is early, you'll need it. We're going to be weak down the middle with me and Tsing out. You'll have to help Kane whip the rest of the team into cohesion."

"Point taken. Hopefully Charlotte can step up and take on fourth line duties. Not too worried about the others, but this will be huge for her." Octavia said before letting out a long sigh. "Won't be the same without you, Clarke."

Anya swallowed a large bite of her French toast and directed her gaze at Octavia. "For what it's worth, Caris was suspended for the rest of the season. I got the text early this morning from Indra."

" _Good_." Octavia grunted, swiftly moving to her feet. "Well, I'm gonna go get Raven. I'll send her in for a bit before we leave."

Octavia was gone before Clarke could swallow her bite of eggs. "Guess that's a name we should probably avoid for a while." Clarke noted before dipping back into her breakfast.

"Mmmh. Lexa did mention that Octavia was out for blood last evening. Reasonably so." Anya said after finishing off her French toast, shooting Clarke a curious expression at the blonde's grimace. "Don't look at me like that. You're my sky girl, we all love you. We're allowed to be upset that she hurt you."

Clarke just shrugged as she ate the last of her eggs. "She's suspended. I figure you made sure she had a bad night. Not much else you could do to make her feel worse than she probably already does over what she did."

"She was my teammate, she broke our code. She hurt someone I love. I don't care how she feels, I can feel how I like." Anya insisted, placing her fork down for a moment and gently bracing it against Clarke's cheek. "What she did put your life in danger and scared me half to death."

Anya leaned closer in front of Clarke, pressing a kiss to her forehead, sending a slow wave of warmth through her body. "Okay, I understand, _I get it_." Clarke noted in appeasement, placing a hand over the one Anya had on her cheek. "Not that I'll ever complain, but what's with all the lovey-dovey talk?"

Anya's hand twitched against her cheek, pulling away a millimeter or two before pressing more firmly after a moment's hesitation, eyes narrowing in determination. "No one _tells_ you that enough. That they _love_ you. It's _important_." Anya stated, lower lip quivering the slightest bit. "I love you. We love you."  

Clarke took a heavy breath and blinked away the tears, throat and chest straining from the swell of emotion rushing through her. Five months ago, she'd been alone, having lost her best friend, and been practically disowned by her mother. Back then, she'd been certain that no one loved her anymore, or _could_ love her anymore all things considered, and that her mother hadn't for quite some time.

Now, she had a best friend who loved her unconditionally, she had a roommate who loved her and whose boyfriend welcomed her into the fold, she had a close friend who loved her and was dating her best friend, she had a potential future girlfriend who according to Anya might be falling for her, and she had Nyko's family, who had opened their arms to her and had been with her every step of the way since moving to Boston.

She had a new family now. A hodgepodge of one, but one she wouldn't trade for anything in the world.

"I love you, too." Clarke let out, voice splintering and cracking on each syllable, rendering it all a mess, but Anya seemed to get the gist of it, leaning over to press another lingering kiss to her forehead. "I love all you guys so much."

"Just when I think you two can't get sappier, you manage to surprise me." Raven's voice called out from the doorway, Clarke barely being able to grab and steady her cooling tray of breakfast before Raven ran and leapt onto the bed on Clarke's opposite site. "But thanks, blondie, I love you, too." Raven mumbled quietly, pressing the briefest kiss to her cheek.

Clarke, with her head still directed straight ahead, was graced with the sight of Anya's gaze shifting towards Raven, a slight frown marring her lips. "Raven, kiss your girlfriend so we can get back to eating." Clarke requested, watching the blush rise in Anya's cheeks, but otherwise, her best friend's expression and gaze remained.

"Aww, _c'mere angel_. Pucker up." Raven said gleefully, ignoring how stiff and red Anya went as she crossed the distance and peppered her girlfriend with kisses. Anya's posture softened slightly, but Clarke could still tell there was some level of distress.

"Raven..." Anya murmured with more than a shred of annoyance.

"Wh... _oh_. Oh shit." Raven stammered out, and Clarke could see her attention bouncing between both blondes. "I didn't mean to let it slip, honest."

Clarke pulled Raven and Anya closer, at least as much as she could. "For the record, you two are adorable, and the term of endearment's entirely fitting."

" _Not_ adorable." Anya insisted as she leaned against Clarke.

"I'm just saying, you two are relationship goals. You're adorable together." Clarke continued with a wide grin as Anya leaned back to shoot her a glare that was hardly sincere by the jubilation swirling in her eyes.

"Hardly adorable." Anya mumbled, brow furrowing in protest. Her face relaxed as soon as Raven's lips met her cheek again, Anya letting out a faint huff. "This stays between us."

Clarke gave the slightest of nods and smiled back at her best friend. "You know I won't tell. But either way, I approve of your choice, Raven."

" _Thank you_ , I thought it was pretty great, too. Because my angel's pretty great." Raven teased, pulling Anya closer, bringing a wide grin to the woman's face. "The best, actually."

"Flatterer." Anya noted softly, before settling back into Clarke's side. "Now let us eat, I need my energy, and Clarke does, too."

Raven shifted down against Clarke's other side, but not before she nabbed a slice of bacon. "Yeah, I'm good with that."

The meal went well from there. Clarke finished her French toast and left Anya the rest of her bacon and potatoes, finding it amusing how much Raven was pouting about not getting the leftovers. It had Clarke wondering how the two of them handled food, with Raven having an endless appetite, and Anya's workout regimen ensuring her calorie intake had to be massive.

She didn't envy any restaurant they chose to eat at during a date.

 _But I'm sure they'd be fun to see out in public together...maybe one day I'll be able to go on a double date with them..._ Clarke mused, eyes growing wider as she realized time was running out before Lexa would arrive.

"Raven?" Clarke asked, earning an acknowledging hum from her friend who had since curled up against her, head resting on the blonde's shoulder. "Can you get me one of Lexa's sweaters?"

Immediately, Anya perked up. "Are you cold?"

"Actually, no. But can you bring me up above the covers? I'll overheat if I wear her sweater and stay under." Clarke requested, laughing when Anya rolled her eyes, apparently catching onto her plan quickly.

"And you call _us_ adorable." Anya shot back, gently working Clarke out from beneath the covers. "Lexa had precious little time to prep those sweaters for Lincoln to bring over."

Clarke started to tilt her head in confusion, a sharp jolt of discomfort stopping her before she started. "Prep?" She asked, taking hold of an oversized forest green pullover from what she imaged was Lexa's old high school.

"You'd douse yours in your perfume. She wanted to do the same. Just, you know, by using a saner amount." Anya explained with a wry grin, taking one last moment to fluff up Clarke's pillows before helping her scoot away from them so she could carefully slip the sweater on. It took a little wrangling, and some help from Anya, but eventually she settled back onto her bed, happy with the comfort of Lexa's sweater.

Clarke pulled some of the material up to her nose and sniffed, realizing Lexa had added a scent of her own, even if it was less potent than Clarke would have made it. "Is that...it smells like..."

"You smell like a bakery." Raven interjected, pressing her nose against Clarke's shoulder and taking a sharp sniff.

"Cinnamon buns. A novelty gift for her birthday last year. I thought it was amusing more than anything...there was a bakery around the corner from the practice rink, and she'd often stop to get a cinnamon bun afterward. She took a liking to it, though." Anya added, and while Clarke could see there was a bit more information sitting beneath the surface, she didn't press. She could always just ask Lexa later on.

Clarke glanced up at the time, noticing that Lexa would probably be by in less than fifteen minutes.

She let out a yawn and pulled her friends closer, figuring she had time enough to enjoy their company before Octavia would pull Raven away. If her injury was going to keep her bed-bound, she was going to take advantage of all the 'friend time' she could wrangle, knowing once she was back to good, she'd be more than busy trying to make up for lost time.

For now, with Anya and Raven at her side, it was hard to worry so much about that.

* * *

 

Lexa paced outside Clarke's door, psyching herself up for the next half hour or so before she and Anya would have to head out to their team practice. The last time she'd been inside, she'd been alone with Clarke, experiencing a long, emotionally intimate night and an awkward morning farewell. She'd vented about Costia in that living room, she'd been held by Clarke in front of that couch, and she'd kissed Clarke in that bedroom.

They'd been alone then.

Now, Lexa knew much of Clarke's support network would be inside, changing the dynamic, ensuring everything would be quite public. In the past, even with Costia, most of their intimacy was at home, or when they were alone.

"I guess I'll have to get used to it...I couldn't ask her to hide this, not when Raven and Anya already know, not when she deserves so much better than that. I'll just...have to figure it out, I suppose..." Lexa mused, taking a deep breath before opening the door and stepping inside.

The vague scent of cinnamon, maple syrup and batter filled her nostrils, breakfast clearly not having been finished all too long ago. She slipped off her boots and hung up her coat, stepping deeper into the condo and pausing by the entrance to the kitchen, where Nyko, Octavia, and Raven were huddled around the island.

"Hey..." She offered, quickly gathering the attention of the group, feeling a little bit content at the smiles aimed her way. "...can I go in and see her?"

"You'd better. She's expecting you." Octavia offered not to subtly prodding Raven out of the kitchen. "We've gotta head out, but you take care of her in our stead, okay?"

Raven rolled her eyes as Octavia shoved her towards the entrance, but called out over her shoulder. "Make something happen, Lexa! Take the initiative!"

Lexa swallowed and looked to Nyko, who just cocked an expectant eyebrow at her, slightly shaking from whatever laughter he was holding back. At the very least, despite how intimidating Raven's request was, the group did seem to mean well and support her, so with a deep breath, Lexa moved to the bedroom door.

 _I can do this...I stayed by her side all night. Heck, we talked, and she likes me back...I can worry about things later. Right now, I promised I'd see her before practice, and I'll see her..._ Lexa mused, counting down from three before opening the door a crack and peeking into the dark room.

It took a few moments for her to adjust to the darkness, but as predicted, Anya was curled up against Clarke's side. However, her cousin seemed to be napping, given Clarke having her full attention on a tablet instead. Lexa made sure to be quiet as she entered and closed the door behind her, but she wasn't quiet enough to evade Clarke's attention.

Not that she'd wanted to, really, she was just trying not to wake her cousin; thankfully she hadn't woken Anya up with how grumpy she could be over disruptions. Knowing how light Anya's naps tended to be, Lexa tiptoed to the vacant side of the bed and carefully took a seat beside Clarke.

"How are you feeling?" She asked, happy her eyes were finally fully adjusting, being able to take in Clarke at full detail. The blonde looked a little better, certainly more awake and more content. She hoped Clarke wasn't in much pain, if any.

"A little better. My neck's still hurting from the spasms, but they should ease up soon enough, and they're bearable." Clarke answered, watching Lexa from the corner of her eye, barely tilting her head in her direction. "How was your rest?"

Lexa lifted a shoulder, mouth twisting in indecision. "I didn't get much more than a brief nap, but I slept okay last night. And it was good to shower."

"Well, you smell nice, anyway." Clarke added with a shy smile, lifting her hoodie sleeve to her nose. "I like this."

Lexa wasn't sure what Clarke was talking about, her brain needing a moment before she realized what Clarke was wearing. She needed a few more to gather enough oxygen to speak. "You're wearing my hoodie..." She let out, awed at the blonde's decision.

Clarke shook slightly and let out a quiet laugh after a slight delay. "You just noticed that?"

"I was distracted." Lexa shot back in a quick whisper crossing her arms.

"By what?" Clarke asked, tilting her head slightly towards her, brow furrowed in clear confusion, which shouldn't have been the case, all things considered.

"By you."

Clarke's eyes widened ever so slightly, cheeks darkening enough to be noticeable even in the dimly lit conditions.  "Oh." The blonde noted softly, chewing on her lower lip for a moment. "Well I love the hoodie. And I'm happy you wore one of my old ones, too."

Lexa ducked her head as she leaned slightly against Clarke. "Doesn't smell like you anymore..."

The sensation of Clarke's hand gently patting around and taking hold of hers had Lexa feeling like forever was sprinting through her schedule, closer and closer with each second they were connected. With her heart's pitter-patter in a big band performance, it was hard to keep that optimism in check.

"Well, we'll have to change that when I'm better." Clarke mused openly, letting out a happy him as she pulled Lexa closer. "For now, you know where to find me if you miss me."

Lexa's mouth shot open to deny the blonde's words, but her jaw shut after a second thought, knowing the rebuttal would be fruitless. She _had_ missed Clarke. And she _did_ know where to find her. Clarke had always initiated, always come to her; it was time for Lexa to go to Clarke now, just as she had today.

"You have to leave for practice soon, don't you?" Clarke asked after a few minutes of relative silence outside of Anya's faint snore.

Lexa's head bobbed indecisively, even if she knew it was the truth. "Anya and I have a little more time before our people need us."

"You'll come back later? The kid's got homework after dinner, so I'm gonna have a slew of movies to watch." Clarke asked, voice all soft and warm and pieced together with audible hope.

It was the easiest decision ever, even if she hadn't already set aside the evening for that very scenario. "I look forward to it, Clarke."

"Raven and I will even leave after the first movie, give you two some space." Anya mumbled, causing her to wonder just when her cousin woke up.

"Anya..." Clarke started, only to be cut off by a sleepy laugh.

"I'm not waiting a week for you two to have your first date. No excuses, little one. I know your schedule." Anya shot back, her amusement filling the room with each word.

Lexa rolled her eyes, letting out a loud huff since she didn't have to worry about being loud anymore. "Anya, you don't need to interfere. I was on my way to that."

"I was just trying to help, Lexa. Give you a little push...I only want you both to be _happy_." Anya let out, only a little reluctant.

"Well, I _did_ have plans to ask Clarke on a date, anyways." Lexa insisted, knowing she really did have aims at asking the blonde out on a date before they left for practice. Her cousin jumping the gun and making the call a mere minute or two before she'd planned for was over the top, even if it _was_ Anya's typical overbearing nature peeking its head out.

"Did you now?" Clarke interjected, grabbing both of their attention. "Tell me, what would you have said?"

It was an easy enough question, even if Lexa hadn't really planned out her words beforehand. It was the idea of it all that she'd entered the room with, not the execution. Still, she had to try; Clarke was worth it.

"I would have...I would have asked if you wanted to maybe have a movie night in, tonight? I know you have plans for dinner, but maybe I could bring some dessert by, and we could curl up somewhere cozy for a movie or two?" Lexa asked, feeling her cheeks flush as she spoke, hoping that she was pulling it off. She really had wanted to ask Clarke on a date. She didn't want to disappoint her.

"Yeah, I'd love to, Lexa. I really enjoyed our other marathons, I can't wait for tonight." Clarke said, offering Lexa's hand a gentle squeeze.

"Marathons? _Plural_?" Anya piped up, only for Clarke to reach over and muss up Anya's hair more than it already was.

"Hush, you. None'ya business, babe." Clarke laughed, arm wrapping around Anya's head and pulling her awkwardly close, forcing an annoyed huff from her cousin.

Anya grumbled a little as she sat up and let out a lengthy yawn. "Fine. Least you're figurin' things out. Got about ten minutes 'til my alarm goes off and we need to get to practice, little one. Enjoy them."

With that, Anya pressed a quick kiss to Clarke's cheek, got up off the bed, and strolled out of the bedroom, leaving the two of them alone.

"So...I can't exactly wish you good luck at the game today." Clarke noted, a beautiful smile stretching across her face. "But...this may be a little forward, but since you were nice enough to ask me to a date tonight..."

"Funny." Lexa let out with a laugh, even if she was full of anticipation for whatever Clarke had on her mind, hoping it was good.

"I was thinking the last time you were here was nice. Maybe we can't recreate it all tonight, but...maybe some parts?" Clarke asked, giving Lexa's hand another squeeze. She could practically see how much Clarke wanted to turn her head, could see the tension in her neck even as the blonde was smiling and blushing.

 Lexa had a good idea what parts Clarke was speaking of. "Yeah, we can do that."

Even as they rested there together, enjoying the silence and simple human contact, Lexa's mind was whirring, plans for the evening coming to fruition piece by piece. For the first time in a very long time, a hockey game wasn't the thing she was most excited about in a day.

It was an odd feeling, but a good one, she figured.

* * *

 

"You know we almost had you, right?"

Anya grinned, halfway loving the competitive fire that had Raven repeating that exact sentence for the fourth time since they'd met up after the game to head over to Clarke's. Her girlfriend never committed to anything half-assed, and while the logical part of her was supposed to be annoyed, she couldn't help but feel pride at Raven having given her all and feeling a little burned at still losing three to two.

"I know you did, love." Anya let out with a laugh as she pulled Raven up against her, the both of them resting against the elevator railing. It was the slight tension of the body in her arms and Raven's eyes going as bright and wide as the damned moon that hard her brain working overtime, quickly cluing into what was said.

 _Oh hell, I...well...it could be worse..._ Anya mused to herself, taking in the utter disbelief and joy sparkling in Raven's eyes. She hadn't meant to escalate things so quickly, but it was hard to worry when Raven was looking at her like she was the first ray of sunshine she'd seen in a month. "What, not to your liking?"

Raven laughed, arms pushing out to put some space between them. "Shut up, you know it is."

"Yeah, pretty clear the big moon eyes she was giving you were proof enough, Anya." Octavia added with amusement flushing her cheeks, Lexa nodding along as she grinned in her direction.

"Just making sure." Anya noted, pulling Raven closer again and pressing a chaste kiss to her lips. Nothing wrong with making Raven smile, even if making out in public would be inappropriate en route to seeing how Clarke fared with Jason's little one.

Raven smiled into the kiss and leaned into her as they separated. "You only need to make sure you know _two things_ , woman." Raven said, shooting her one of those faux serious expressions of hers that were endlessly cute and endearing. "One, cat's out of the bag. You gotta call me that _all the time_ now. You got one, and now I choose that, so we're square on that deal. And two...we _definitely_ had you on the ropes in those final forty seconds."

"Fine, fine, you were wearing us down a little at the end there." Anya admitted with a sigh as the elevator came to a stop, plenty content with Raven's decision on the pet name. Perhaps it was sappy and blunt, but if it'd make Raven smile, then she wouldn't shy away from it.

"What, another twenty minutes and they might have overtaken us enough to tie it up." Lexa shot back as they stepped out of the elevator, laughing when both Octavia and Raven turned towards her, calling out accusations or protests about it all, but Anya wasn't paying attention to the commotion.

No, as soon as she stepped out, the sight of a figure pacing in front of Clarke's condo immediately had her complete attention.

Anya could hardly keep her thoughts straight as she marched down the hall towards the intruder, dozens of unanswered questions and fears bouncing around in her head. _It's not about me, though, I need to protect Clarke..._

She was only a few feet away when her approach seemed to startle the woman out of her thoughts, not giving the woman nearly enough time to defend herself before Anya was pushing her down the hall and away from Clarke's door.

"What the _hell_! Who are..."

"You three go in and make sure Clarke's alright." She called out over her shoulder, knowing the others would hear her, eyes focused on the intruder as she gave another push, finally enough clearance from Clarke's front door for her to feel comfortable.

"Anya...are you going to be okay out here alone?" She heard Raven ask, her girlfriend sounding a little too calm and collected to not be artificial. Still, she appreciated the effort and the thought.

"It's for the best." She spoke lowly as she stared down the confused and aggravated woman in front of her. "Mrs Griffin and I need to have a little talk."

"Excuse me, you can't just _shove me_ and expect..." The doctor complained, Anya waiting for the click of Clarke's door before she grabbed the woman and pressed her up against the nearest wall, Mrs Griffin letting out a discomforted huff.

Anya used her free hand to pull out her phone, checking the time. "Twenty-six hours. You gave up your right to complain a long time ago, doctor."

Mrs Griffin struggled against the arm she was being held by before a flash of realization crossed her face. "You're the woman from the phone calls."

"Don't be fooled by the fact that Jason and I were the only ones to call. When I spoke, I spoke for Clarke's _family_ here. There's a group of people in that condo, _all_ gathered to care for Clarke, who were at her side when she was rushed to the hospital yesterday afternoon, and who were still there when we brought her home at six this morning, and who are _still_ here." Anya grit out, pocketing her phone and setting her full attention back on the doctor. "So you're going to explain why you're so late and hope that I don't call security on you."

"Jason wouldn't keep me from seeing..."

Anya pushed back her fury, knowing that as badly as she wanted to punch the woman, it'd only get her in trouble with the law as well as with Clarke. " _Shut up_! I'm not hearing an explanation, and trust me...whatever goodwill you thought Jason might have felt towards you, it's changed since last evening. See, when you're given a full day to see someone go without the love of a parent, when that parent could easily have arrived to care for their kid, it changes things because...if you're a _good_ parent...you know you'd drop everything to help your kids if they were seriously hurt, _no matter what_."

Abby gave a hard shove, enough to have Anya taking a half step back. "I don't have to take this from...what _are_ you, Clarke's age? You're not a _mother_ , you wouldn't _understand_."

Before Anya knew it, she'd thrown Mrs Griffin up against the wall and had her forearm pressing against the doctor's throat, albeit lightly. She kept her ears open for any commotion, but didn't hear any doors open in the hall. "Don't presume to understand my life, Mrs Griffin. I've never _abandoned_ any child I've raised, and _I never will_ , so you'd be smart to focus on that explanation for your whereabouts." Anya spoke slowly, each polite word taking all the effort she could muster, knowing it wasn't her decision as to whether Clarke would reconnect with her mother. She could only act as a barrier, someone to ensure Abby would be safe for Clarke to see, to permit or delay the woman. "I am Clarke's best friend, she's my family, and you need to make it through me to even have a shot at maybe seeing her, so _start talking_."

"She's still my daughter, and though we have a... _complicated history_ , I still deserve to see her!" Abby yelled, poking hard at Anya's chest. "There are so many things about her that you don't know! Things about me that you don't know!"

Anya tilted her head back slightly and crossed her arms. She knew she could be overbearing and too intense, and that she had a tendency to go overboard and get tunnel-vision when a problem came up, but there was no way she'd break through to Clarke's mom with pure aggression.

No, she needed to play on the woman's emotions, and that meant using ammunition. That meant wielding Clarke's history, and while she wasn't comfortable with that, Abby needed to know what she was responsible for, she needed to understand the depth of her failure if only to determine if the woman would be safe to approach Clarke. "What, like what Clarke does for a living? I know all about that. So does Octavia, and Raven, and Lexa." Anya stated, startling Mrs Griffin with the admission. "That's right. It took a while...see, a little seed was planted in your daughter's head that doing what she does made her unlovable to pretty much _anyone_ she might know. That no one would accept her because of it. That she had to be alone, and deal with all her issues and fears alone."

Behind the shock, Anya saw a hint of remorse and decided to full on tear away at the woman until that part was brought out into the open. She needed to know Clarke's mother regretted her actions. "The stress of that secret wore her down, she revealed it to me a few weeks ago. I could _feel_ her relief when I held her and let her know I accepted and loved her. I could feel it with every fiber of my being as I held her. She couldn't believe anyone could accept her or love her unconditionally, and she got that from _you_ , Abby. You need to understand what you did to your daughter."

Abby gave an exasperated scoff and stepped away, palm rubbing down her face. "What, am I supposed to just accept that my daughter's turning tricks? She's _just a kid_!"

"Yes! She's _your_ kid, and parent to parent, it's your job to be there for her, even when she's not perfect, even when she scares or disagrees with you! That's called being a mother!" Anya yelled, stepping back into Abby's space until they were nose to nose. "Your daughter is smart, and talented, and vibrant, and kind, and _so loving_. You should be proud of her! She's an exceptional human being, and you treated her like _dirt_ because you wouldn't let yourself grieve! You're supposed to build your children up, not break them down!"

Anya shook her head, forcing herself to stray from any more assertions that would make her feel like Obi-Wan Kenobi, because then she'd laugh, and it just wasn't the time.  "You're supposed to pick them up when they fall, kiss every wound, wipe every tear, and foster all the best parts of them, even if they're not parts you have! It doesn't matter what her job is, you carried her for _nine months_ and you raised her for _seventeen years_ , I refuse to believe _all_ of that went away when Jake died."

With every statement, aggressive or not, she could see Abby's confidence and defenses fall away to reveal more of the scared woman underneath. "Don't you talk about my husband, you have _no right_." The doctor grit out, though much weaker than her past aggressions.

"I have _every right_ when his death is what brought us all to this! You were hurting when he died, maybe you blame yourself, and you needed to take care of yourself, but Clarke needed you too! And every time she found something to cope with, you broke her down! Fun fact, Abby, but Clarke's not a doctor. She couldn't' throw herself into work like you did to escape having to cope with Jake's death. She connected with her father through _hockey_ , it made her feel closer to him, it made her feel his love, and she wasn't ready to let go of him yet! And you punished her for that when _you_ weren't ready to let go _either_ , no matter how many things you threw away, no matter how far you got from him." Anya railed on, watching as Clarke's mother shrunk beneath her accusing glare. It wasn't something that she took pride in, but it was good that her intimidation skills were coming in handy. "She only took that work because you cut her off from her father completely, and it was her only way back to him, to where she could _heal_ and _cope_. You had a choice, to support her, to keep her from that work and let her cope in her own way, but you _didn't_. So if you're uncomfortable with her work, know that it's _entirely_ your doing, and that she still has people who love her no matter what."

From the tears welling in Abby's eyes, to the guilt cracking at the edges of them, Anya knew she was close. Time for the softer gloves to come out. "You have to know that she's loved and happy here, with or without you. Know that she'll keep working this job throughout her tenure at college as long as she needs to, because she loves hockey too much to quit, and it's the only way she can afford it all. So in the end...what's the point? You know what's at stake, you think her work is a problem and have the tools to fix it if you want. You know that as loved as she is here, you both could benefit from reconnecting. You know you both still have to heal from losing Jake, and there's no stopping that. So tell me where you've been, because as much as Clarke might need you, I can clearly see you need her more. This is your _one_ chance to make it right, to not live the rest of your life alone and leave Clarke motherless."

 Anya sucked in a deep breath and watched Abby's faint figure halfway stagger to the wall, using it to hold her body up. The woman stared aimlessly down the hallway for a few moments before her focus cleared up, daring a glance Anya's way. "Anyone tell you you're a very intense young woman?"

"Every day of my life, but I have a special intensity when dealing with family, and Clarke is my family. She is _hurt_ , and she is _healing_ , and she needed you yesterday evening, but you weren't _there_. So for the _hundredth time_ , just tell me where you were." Anya stated tiredly, just wanting the woman to give it up and tell the truth. She hoped she'd worn Abby down enough to get it from her.

As seconds passed, doubt began to sink in over what she'd thought was something of a victory against the woman's defenses, but after a half minute, Abby sagged forward. "I didn't mean to wait so long."

Anya cross her arms again and nodded for Abby to continue, needing more than an apology.

"I was in surgery most of yesterday. Two of our surgeons were out of the rotation, so I spent more time in surgery than normal. When I got out after performing a Whipple, it was around eight. I got notice of Jason's call first, and I thought..." Abby continued, voice trailing off as she shook her head, retreating back into herself.

Anya reeled Abby back in, hoping her assumption was correct. "You thought he was late, calling about the anniversary of Jake's death."

Abby's head shot up, eyes wide at full of disbelief as she stared at Anya. "How do you know that?"

"Clarke tried to have a get-together that evening, for reasons I'm sure you can put together on your own. My girlfriend and I spent the night with her and did what we could to cheer her up. We made cupcakes." Anya noted, before realizing she was getting ahead of herself. "Anyways, you were saying?"

Abby nodded. "Right, well, I avoided the message. I assumed the rest were from him, too. The first anniversary, he got drunk and left a dozen messages, so I thought it was like then. I slept on it, especially since I was already tired from working a long shift. After I woke and had some food, I listened to it. And...here I am."

Anya nodded, measuring up the woman in front of her. Taking in each hint of remorse and guilt, watching carefully for any sign of dishonesty. "Okay. So some ground rules heading into this...no being critical of Clarke's work or her for doing it. No dissuading her from playing hockey, even if it's why she's in bed right now. No putting any guilt or blame on her. Follow those three rules, and you'll probably end up unscathed at the very least. Can't predict how she'll react, but I'll ask and see if she's up for a visit. She's earned the right to decide if she wants to see you again, you understand?"

"I do." Abby let out, a year's worth of weariness and longing compressed into two simple words.

"Then follow me."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if this took a bit longer than expected to get up, hockey season is upon us :) (go Sharks!)  
> Thanks for all the support, and for taking the time to read, I hope you all had wonderful weekends!


	17. Chapter 17

Clarke was certain that a literal pound of glitter was spread across her duvet after her and Ellie's afternoon together. She'd lacked the ability to challenge the girl when Ellie claimed that glitter was magic and made everything better; she certainly hadn't expected Nyko and Niylah to supply the cutie with so much of it, which earned them a playful glare when Niylah came in to survey the damage and take Ellie back home for dinner and homework.

Of course, they'd left without cleaning up the glitter, leaving Lincoln to hold down the fort while Nyko drove the family home, and leaving her bed a sparkling vortex of blankets and covers. She did what she could to shake some of it off, knowing the rest of her people would be arriving soon and probably didn't want to have to do a cavity scan to ensure they were free of glitter after visiting.

Honestly, she wished USCHO had better coverage for women's hockey, their spotty updates ending midway through the second, leaving her wondering how the game had ended, and who was on the ice for a few of the goals. Still, she was sure Raven or Anya would be more than happy to walk her through what she'd missed, even if it was frustrating not being able to even catch it live.

The sound of her front door opening had her ears perking up, only hearing footsteps until the door shut, when a number of voices immediately broke the silence.

"Oh my god it's happening..."

"Was that who I thought it was?"

"Do we have a body bag? I think we're gonna..."

"Everybody stay calm..."

"Oh my god she's gonna _kill_ her, I'll be accomplice to a _murder_..."

"For real, though, do we have a body bag in this building?"

"What the hell are we gonna do?"

"Stay fucking _calm_! We're gonna stay calm, that's what..."

Clarke felt a pit searing a pit into her stomach as she heard Octavia, Raven, and Lincoln arguing in loud whispers out by the entrance; she knew her friends could be a bit dramatic, but she hadn't heard any laughter to follow the talk of body bags. That made it all a little unsettling.

Her bedroom door opening just enough for Lexa to peek her head through gave her some semblance of relief, but she could see the clear worry across the brunette's face. "Hey. May I come in?"

Clarke waved Lexa in, feeling a little disappointed that the bedroom door was shut behind her. "What's going on?"

"Nothing you have to worry about. Anya's just...having a talk with a certain someone." Lexa answered, a strange intensity flashing across her face for a moment, letting Clarke take an educated guess as to who was outside.

It was hard to imagine Caris would be told where she lived, which complicated matters further given the antics on Lexa's birthday, but she could definitely imagine Anya giving Caris a piece of her mind, and everyone else maybe being a little concerned about the possibility of murder.

Of course, Clarke knew Anya wouldn't kill a teammate, no matter how angry Anya was at Caris, which immediately helped her relax. "Well then, I'm not worried. I trust her." She said as she gestured Lexa closer. "Why don't you come catch me up on the game, babe?"

Lexa rounded to the far side of the bed, giving the sparkling duvet a curious look before lifting and slipping in under it. "Glitter?"

"Ellie wanted to heal me with magic." Clarke explained, reaching around Lexa's nearest arm and gently tugging her closer. "Gonna be hell to clean up, but I'll let Nyko and Niylah handle that since they were the ones who bought her the big bag of it."

The feeling up Lexa hesitantly curling up beside her immediately had her body tingling with warmth, wishing she could turn her head more and look at her crush. Touch, sound, and smell would have to do for now.

"Before I begin, I will say that I can only be honest, Clarke. I won't exaggerate when I talk about the game." Lexa stated, which she was happy to hear, knowing Lexa would focus on the key details for her. Clarke lifted her free arm have gave a thumbs up, prompting Lexa to continue. "Okay, so in the first period, we more or less got off to a quick start because of a high stick from Monroe about two minutes in. From there..."

Clarke listened to the tale of the game, how the Huskies mercilessly outshot her Eagles across the first two periods, breaking out to a solid lead late in the second. How the Eagles fought back in the third, taking and holding possession for much of it through a few powerplays, but only managing to get within one. A hard-fought effort by the Eagles, but not enough to experience or skill down the middle to contain the Huskies, particularly in the neutral zone or during breakouts.

It always hurt knowing her teammates were disappointed, but there were some good signs of improvement, at least from Lexa's vantage point. Perhaps some more trial by fire hardship would prepare the rest of the squad for tournament season a little better.

Lexa was just about to answer a question on how often Maya cheated off the post when there was a knock at the bedroom door, followed by Octavia slipping in looking positively conflicted, right eyebrow twitching in clear anger.

"O, hey, what's up?" She asked carefully, keeping her eyes fixed on her roommate as Octavia marched over to her dresser and took a few deep, steadying breaths staring into her mirror. It was a little confusing, but more concerning than anything, even knowing Octavia's hair-trigger temper.

"Your mom's here."

The air in her lungs dissipated, body slumping deeper into her pillows at the revelation, suddenly unsure what the think or do with herself, a long dormant sense of yearning mixing with a renewed sense of betrayal, all covered in a fresh coat of exhaustion.

"She wants to see you. Anya set her straight with some ground rules if you want to, you know, _talk_. But if you want her gone, I'll happily see she gets back on her way to Virginia." Octavia continued, each word escaping like teeth being pulled, her roommate distinctly cracking her knuckles. It was pretty clear where O stood in the matter of handling the potential confrontation.

Clarke reached down and took Lexa's hand, giving it a squeeze. "You were slick. I get why you were evasive, but I could have used some warning." She noted firmly, even if she understood their motivations.

Clearly, they'd encountered her mother, who Clarke had repeatedly discussed with her friends, particularly regarding her abandonment. Anya was fiercely loyal to a fault, so of course she'd bar her mom from entry, and of course the others would see the predictable fury in Anya's eyes and get worried about murder.

Not that Anya would kill her mom. Anya wouldn't take the risk of hurting her, nor of condemning Abby without her having a say in the matter. Her best friend was scary, but predictable in that sense, even if this was scaled up compared to other instances.

Honestly, she'd never expected to see her mom again. With how they left things, how explicit her mother had been about her desire for Clarke to leave and never come back, something like a sports injury didn't seem in the realm of events that could change that sentiment.

So maybe she was curious.

Still, she was stronger now, more resourceful, and surrounded by so much love that even if her heart still had a vulnerable spot or two left for her mother to squeeze, she'd have all the help she needed to heal from it.

"I want everyone in the room." She spoke, immediately reassured by Lexa squeezing her hand, by Octavia's resolute nod. "She may be my birth mother, but I'm a grown woman now. I have a family here. Anything she wants to say to me, she can say it with you all here to hear it."

It was a bit of a risky play, especially if Nyko had returned, but she needed to do this for herself. She needed to stand firm and show that she had who and what she needed in her life.

"I'll gather the forces." Octavia said, quickly slipping out of the room, leaving her and Lexa along for the moment.

Lexa's other hand combed through her hair at a languid pace, and Clarke fought both a wince and the instinct to lean into the gentle touch. "You're a strong woman, Clarke. You can do this...but if you need me, I will be here by your side for as long as you'll allow. We'll all be."

Clarke swallowed back the piercing tension in her throat and gave Lexa's hand another squeeze. "Thank you."

Octavia was the first one back in, taking her place at the dresser again, Lincoln taking up position over by the window. Raven came next, settling in at the nearer side of the bed by the headboard, Nyko joining in and taking up a spot by the door to the ensuite. A few seconds later, Anya came in, stone-faced and intensely on edge, leading a familiar face into her room.

It'd only been a few months, but they hadn't been kind to her mother. If her mom had looked exhausted and on the edge of falling apart back in the summer, that same woman looked like she'd passed that threshold weeks and weeks ago, Abby's blood-shot eyes taking in the familiar sight of the master bedroom for the first time in years.

"Anya, can you come in here with me?" She asked as she patted the spot to her side, her voice immediately grabbing both Anya and her mother's attention. Clarke shifted her attention to the latter. "I can't really move my head well without it hurting, so you need to sit at the end of the bed."

Her best friend quickly made her way to the bedside, pausing as she was about to rest atop the duvet. "Glitter?"

"Ellie cast a healing spell on me." Clarke explained succinctly, earning a few laughs around the room as Anya decided to get under the covers instead.

Anya shot Nyko a pointed look, immediately getting his hands up in defense. "You don't need to tell me twice that I'm in charge of clean-up." He stated, earning a satisfied nod from her best friend.

Her mother, after giving a hesitant glance around the room, settled in at the foot of the bed, shooting her a pleading expression. "Clarke...can we not just talk mother to daughter?"

Hearing the request had the taste of bile building at the back of her throat, but she pushed past that minor nausea, knowing she had to be strong. Clarke swallowed, taking a few seconds to muster enough steel into her voice to set the tone for the next few minutes.

She didn't expect their conversation to be very long, even if she wouldn't force it to be brief. "You gave up that right when you told me I wasn't your daughter, and that you needed me to leave and not come back."

Her mom let out a disbelieving huff, tongue tracing the bottom of her teeth in that familiar quirk of embarrassment. "I said that no daughter of mine does the work you did."

"And yet, _here I am_. Still doing the thing that strips me of being your daughter." Clarke stated calmly and quickly, wanting to keep her mother on her heels.

Clarke watched Nyko push off the bathroom door, taking a step closer to the bed. "Abby...you disowned her?" He asked, and while she couldn't quite see the expression on his face or see in detail any of his body language, she could hear the horror dripping from each syllable.

It was a good start.

"No, I didn't." Her mom replied, a bit too testily for Clarke's liking. If her mom came to apologize, it wasn't a good start.

"Not legally. That could have taken away some of her leverage over me, so it's nothing official. And it's not like my job's the whole reason, since you fought to keep me from grieving dad's death in any sort of healthy way, and lashed out at me when I did things the right way for me." Clarke explained, jaw setting to the side when her mom rested a hand on her foot.

"I'm your mother. You're just a _kid_...I know how to handle these things better." Her mother argued with a frayed shred of confidence that couldn't nearly pass as believable.

Clarke pulled her foot away, wincing at the flash of pain from instinctively going to shake her head. "No. You don't." She grit out, waiting for the pain to pass before she continued. "I'm not your _patient_. I'm a girl who lost her father, and who had a hugely different relationship to him than you. Maybe his music, his love of hockey...maybe those hurt you since they weren't a part of your life, but they helped me heal, because they reminded me of everything he taught me, of all our time together, all the ways he helped me grow. And any time I tried to heal, you sold my equipment, or locked all the music stuff in storage, you kept the trust from me unless I gave up hockey and music and did exactly as you wanted. That's not healthy."

"And selling your body is?!" Abby cried out in frustration, only to bloom red and shoot a worried glance at Nyko.

Clarke heard the subtle sound of him leaning back against that bathroom door. "You think I was born yesterday? Girl in her late teens happens to befriend a lot of men in their twenties to fifties, inviting them up to her apartment? I'm not an idiot, Abby." Nyko let out, sounding more aggravated than she'd heard from him in years. Honestly, Clarke thought she'd been sort of sneaky about it, but apparently not. Still, it was a wonderful surprise to know Nyko seemed to be on her side in the matter. "I thought you were just rebelling, Clarke. Niylah thought so, too, so I figured I'd keep a look-out and make sure you didn't get into any trouble. Make sure you're _safe_. I didn't think you were holding the goddamn college account hostage, Abby! Jake put his blood, sweat, and tears into that for her!"

"Exactly! I couldn't have her wasting it on a school that would throw too many distractions at her! Clarke needed to focus, and she wasn't, so I held it back until she understood that she had to take her career seriously." Her mom explained, shifting focus between her and Nyko. "You're still not taking your path to med school seriously, Clarke!"

"I'm starting my second _semester_ of undergrad. I'm still really early in, but my grades last semester were at or near the top of my class. I always made sure I could balance my course-load with hockey and work. I'd say that's serious enough." She shot back with a scoff. "Besides, again if I would have gone to Columbia, you wouldn't have said I was unfocused. They don't have a hockey program, and I'd be far away from this condo, so you'd be too happy to send me on my way."

"Studying to be a surgeon takes a tremendous amount of time and effort, Clarke. You can't split your attention and expect to be a serious candidate for a good med school." Her mom countered, offering up the same tired argument from before.

Honestly, the conversation was quickly tiring her out, but she knew it'd have to run its course at this point. With Anya tensing beside her, and Lexa running a thumb over her knuckles, and all the rest of her family shooting her reassuring looks or giving her mom the stink-eye, she at least knew she had their support to draw strength from.

"Did you ever think I might be going into medicine for different reasons then wanting to be like you? I just want to help people. Maybe I don't even want to be a surgeon. Infectious diseases, oncology, endocrinology...all fields I could see myself getting into instead." Clarke noted, doing what she could to ignore her mom's utter shock as soon as the notion of not being a surgeon slipped out.

Her mother reached for her foot again, but Clarke pulled it away in time, arching an eyebrow at her. "Clarke, you'll get eaten alive if you don't go into residency with the right mindset. If you don't aim high, if you're not competitive, you'll never get to where you want to be."

"Pretty sure a doctor's a doctor, and that people don't settle for studying AIDS when they couldn't cut it as a brain surgeon." Octavia chimed in, earning a quick nod from Raven.

"Yeah, failed aerospace engineers don't settle for civil engineering, it doesn't work that way. People go into the fields they're interested in, it's not a competition. It doesn't matter if you're a heart surgeon or cardiologist, you're helping someone's heart." Raven added, leaving Clarke thankful she had so many smart, empathetic friends.

"I didn't come here to fight." Her mom countered weakly, frame slumping as she took a deep breath. "I came here to see if you're alright, Clarke."

Clarke gestured to all of her chosen family, fixing her mother with a firm stare. "My family's taken good care of me. I'm healing up, and my life here in Boston up until now's been pretty great. I have people who love me unconditionally, people who I love so, so much. I've been enjoying most of my classes and my profs. I have a great hockey team, and I'm on my way to earning an invite to the national team selection camp. I'm doing alright."

"However, as any parent will tell you, it's only natural to want the best for their children." Anya chimed in, voice low and stern. "Clarke's struggled enough this year. It's not your job to make life harder for her out of spite."

Her mom let out a tired sigh, frame posturing up slightly, only to slump back a little after a second or two of apparent reconsideration. "Clarke, if you stop working...and you commit to my alma-mater for medical school...then I'll pay the remainder of your schooling for your undergrad."

"No." Clarke shot back simply, and she could feel most of the eyes in the room turning focus to her as her mother stared back stunned. "I'm an adult, I can be trusted with my own decisions. This whole thing started because you couldn't trust me to make the right decisions for my life, or sometimes even couldn't handle my decisions. Whether it was my ways of grieving dad, or choosing school, or my hobbies and passions, or my future career options...everything had to be on your terms, with no argument or negotiations from me. Big change from you and dad raising me to be a responsible young woman that you trusted to know what she wanted and needed in life."

"Clarke..." her mom started, but she needed her mother, even the rest in the room, to understand.

"Listen, you and dad raised me to make a case for what I wanted, and if I was convincing and covered my bases, then I'd get your backing. I remember when I was seven and told you I wanted to be a doctor. I made my case, brief as it was, and you two started the fund for my education. When dad's work needed him to work at one of their offices, I made the pitch for Boston, making my case for wanting to go to BC. You two accepted it, and within a year, dad bought a condo in the city that he meant for me to live in when I went to school. It _is_ why he left it in his will." Clarke stated, those old memories flooding her body with emotion, but she knew she had to continue, to not show weakness. "I already made my case. But since you kicked me out, I've rebuilt my life, handled my finances, excelled in class and on the ice, and got into the best shape of my life. I'd say I've made my case... _again_...that I've earned your trust with this. This doesn't work for me unless you trust me like dad did, like you _used to_."

Feeling a headache coming on, and knowing she'd said her piece, Clarke let herself sink a bit into her backrest of pillows, holding Anya and Lexa closer as she settled in. "We can't have what we had, but we can start again. I'd like to call you my mom again. I'd like to have you in my life again. I want to love you again. You may be my mother, but I'm in charge of my life. You have to trust me with that."

Her mother looked, above all else, pained. As her words had spilled out, her mom seemed more affected, struck even, and the call-backs to her childhood had definitely brought tears to the woman's eyes. But the tiny embers of defiance, of pride, burning in her mother's eyes told her that what she said hadn't sunk in entirely yet, if it ever would.

"That's your decision? You'd let me walk away over this?" Her mom asked, her sincere disbelief tearing through the silence of the bedroom.

"I didn't tell you to leave, but if that's what you want then I can't stop you. All I'm saying is if you want to be in my life, you'd have to admit you were wrong about what you did to me, and change your ways to where you could actually support me. Everything that led to you kicking me out, that would need to go. That's the bare minimum...otherwise, yeah, I can't have you in my life. I need people who love me, care for me, and trust me." Clarke answered, letting out a heavy sigh as her mother stared back, not appearing to be convinced. "Look, just go home. Think about it. You know where to find me if you make up your mind."

In a blink, Anya was moving to get up, but Clarke was quick, looping an arm around her best friend's and pulling her back down. "Nyko, can you show her out, please?" She asked, knowing she'd probably have to talk with him and Niylah about a few things, but at least he was defending her.

Jason's eyes were still on her mom, but he nodded nonetheless, waiting with a hand outstretched to Abby as her mom just blinked at her.

"Clarke..."

"The land line's still the same number from when Dad was here." She interrupted, not wanting to hear her mom prolong the discussion, knowing her mom's feet were planted right now, that it might take time to get her to decide not to die on that proverbial hill.

Still, she'd explicitly put the ball in her mom's court. It wasn't like she was forcing her to leave. Her mom could turn around and agree to what Clarke needed of her, she could treat her like an adult and start building their foundation again tonight if she really wanted to. If her mom wanted to love and accept her, the option was there,

Her mom had made her walk away months ago. It was only right to make her mom do the same if she wasn't ready to love her again, if she wasn't ready to treat her like a person again.

Even if it hurt to watch her mother sluggishly get up off the bed, her body filled with relief, knowing the situation was over, at least for now, and that she'd be able to take a breath again.

Her mom stopped by the door, halfway turning around to face her, eyes shining and full of yearning. "Clarke...please, just come home..."

Clarke swallowed and gave Anya and Lexa a gentle squeeze. "I already am." She noted, unable to hide the sadness in knowing the gap between them was greater than the physical distance. At least, for now. "Have a safe flight back."

She watched her mom hesitate as Nyko went to lead her out, eyes pleading with her for something. What, she could only imagine, but it didn't really matter right then. She'd said her piece, made her demands. It was up to her mother to earn that forgiveness and earn a place in her life again.

As soon as the door shut, she was pretty sure everyone else in the room let out a collective sigh, something she would have laughed at if she wasn't still coming down from that tense, confrontational mindset and the fact that her mom had left her again.

"For what it's worth, I'm sorry, Clarke." Lincoln spoke, breaking the silence before it stretched on too long.

"Yeah, you deserved a lot better than that." Raven agreed, Clarke watching the genius slowly kneading away at Anya's shoulders, though it did nothing to soothe her best friend's tense frame.

"I'm gonna order some food, because if I don't do something, I..." Octavia started, only to shake her head and march out of the bedroom, Lincoln in hot pursuit.

Clarke was pretty sure _'I would have punched her in the face...repeatedly'_ was what was left unsaid, knowing O. She didn't really blame her, even if she wouldn't have wanted that fate for her mom.

There was still a chance, after all. A chance her mom could come around.

"Are you okay?" Lexa asked, curling up a little tighter against her; the lack of hesitation in Lexa's affection had her heart blooming and thinking that maybe there was some silver lining to the way the evening started after all.

"Not really, but I will be." She said, holding Lexa close with one arm and cupping Anya's cheek with the other. "I won't let this ruin our plans tonight. And thank you for behaving, Anya."

Anya let out a sharp huff. "She broke every rule. Literally everything I told her not to do, she did."

"That...sounds exactly like my mom. At least, how she's been the past few years." Clarke agreed, giving her legs a stretch now that there wasn't anyone in the way anymore. "I'm sorry, babe. Feel free to pretend the heavy bag is my mother tomorrow at the gym."

She felt Anya nod against her, knowing that her best friend probably wanted to do a lot worse, but wouldn't. She was thankful for her restraint.

"If it makes it any better, we could watch one of those movies you like first, tonight? Like Pacific Rim? Or John Wick?" Raven asked, Clarke quickly giving the thumbs up for that. Something a little higher-octane to start things off would be good. After the day she'd had, she could use it.

"Sounds good, love. Let's go make sure Octavia's getting the food right." Anya noted, leaning in to press a quick kiss to Clarke's cheek before getting out from under the covers and following Raven out of the bedroom.

As soon as the door was closed, Clarke expected some sort of silence to stretch on throughout the room with her and Lexa alone. However, when Lexa smoothly straddled her hips, she couldn't help but gape. And maybe if her hands instinctively came to rest at Lexa's hips, it wasn't her fault or anything, either.

"Is there anything I can do to make it better?" Lexa asked, voice soft and low as she brushed a few tendrils of hair from Clarke's face.

If not for that, feeling Lexa's digits brush against her forehead  as they trembled, she might not have put all the pieces together in time to keep from doing something reckless.

"Lexa...honey...all I need is _this_ , you nestled up close to me." She let out, voice straining a little at the low level of oxygen in her lungs from being straddled by her long-time crush. "In the future, there's a lot of things I'd like to do with you in this position, but tonight? I just want to be with you. Hold you close. Have our first real date."

Lexa's eyes darted off to the side, teeth gnawing at her lower lip in a way that didn't exactly inspire confidence that Lexa was on the same page. "I'm sorry, I...I don't know why I thought..." Lexa started, moving to get off Clarke's lap.

If it wasn't for how embarrassed Lexa looked, she might have been fine with it but she didn't want to send mixed signals, so she held Lexa in place, or at least enough for the brunette to stay put after her first attempt. "Lexa, it was a good idea. I can't move my head much without it hurting, and I miss seeing you. I got so used to seeing you around the winter break that camping out on Anya's bed, stealing glances at you playing your games, was something I might have taken for granted. I know Anya teases you for playing some space battle thingamajig, but it always makes you smile, so it can't be all bad. You...you have such a beautiful smile, Lexa."

Lexa let out a quiet laugh, her eyes slowly fluttering close, her head tilting down as the edges of her lips curled up into a shy smile.  Mixed with the fresh rosy tiny at her cheeks, Clarke felt refreshed at the sight, not truly having known how deeply she'd missed that side of Lexa.

She brought her left hand back to her chest to feel her heart thrumming along. "Oh, wow. You've got my little bisexual heart fluttering away there, babe."

Lexa's laugh this time was sharper, louder, a bit of amusement clear as she rolled her eyes, but more than a little doubt. "Okay..."

Not feeling the slightly dismissive tone, Clarke took Lexa's hand and pressed it back down over her heart, immediately stilling Lexa, those deep green eyes growing wide at the sensation. Whether it was from touching her chest or feeling the rapid pace of her heart, Clarke couldn't be sure, but she'd take the opportunity nonetheless.

"I'm a simple girl, Lexa. I'm not complicated. When I'm near you, I get excited. When I see you smile, my heart starts training for a marathon. And it might need to, since I really hope this works out, which would mean a lot of smiles down the road." She explained carefully, holding eye contact with Lexa's wide, unblinking gaze. "But we need to go at the right pace. We can't jump a bunch of steps we're not ready to take. I want us both to have a nice night tonight, but we need to be comfortable. If you're not ready for anything, that's fine by me. I'm just happy to spend time with you. Cuddling would be great. Anything past that? A bonus."

"And if..." Lexa started, only to bite back her words. Clarke brushed a thumb over Lexa's knuckles, eyebrows lifting in question, which thankfully had her crush taking in a deep breath and continuing her thought. "And if I want to kiss you goodnight?"

Lexa's eyes immediately went wide, gaze averting to focus intensely on Clarke's chest, more than certainly feeling her heart jump a little at the mention of a kiss. "That's usually a second date thing for me, but I..." Clarke let the laughter bubbling up in her chest air out, wincing a little at the movements as she slightly shook, but the whole idea of restraint on her part was a little ridiculous. "...god, you don't need permission to kiss me. If you wanted to, if you felt up for it...that would be the proverbial cherry on top. But only if you were ready to."

"And if...for the next little while...I wanted to stay right where I am?" Lexa asked, the tint of her blush deepening slightly, hand reaching back to pull away the hair elastic and let her hair down.

Clarke knew she was probably drooling, but any mortal would with Lexa so close, looking so gorgeous. "You'd make me a very happy girl." She answered easily, happy Lexa felt comfortable where she was without expectations. "So tell me, what other places are nice around here in the spring-time?"

"May I know why you're asking?" Lexa said, leaning closer, propping herself up with an arm, the hand on Clarke's chest trailing down to gently splay across her stomach.

"Well, there's this outdoorsy girl I'm into who's pretty much the best nature guide. And maybe I want to see the best of these places and find out if they can be as stunningly beautiful as she is." Clarke answered, drawing giggle from the girl atop her, catching a glance of Lexa's broad grin before a curtain of hair hid it from her.

"There are sights she couldn't possibly match up to, Clarke. I promise you." Lexa let out softly, her quiet voice just loud enough to reach her ears.

Clarke couldn't help her smile as she reached out and guided Lexa to lay atop her, relief blooming in her chest at the brunette's happy sigh, a soft cheek nuzzling into her collarbone.  "I think I'll have to see it to believe it, if it's all the same to you."

With Lexa in her arms, she could keep the buzzing, resurfaced emotions from earlier at bay, and that was entirely fantastic as far as Clarke was concerned. She had a fun night ahead of her, and she wasn't going to allow her mother's indecision and pride spoil that.

* * *

 

Raven may have seen Pacific Rim, like, twelve times, but there was a certain quality to watching it with a girlfriend. Or, at least, there seemed to be; everything felt new and exciting again, and when Anya started mumbling lines out loud, and she mimicked the dialogue from other characters, maybe it was the most fun she'd had watching a movie in a long time.

She'd also taken in the movie from a slightly different perspective; she'd watched it once with a boyfriend she'd briefly dated, and she'd been curled up in his arms for the whole thing. It had been a solid enough date, and she'd enjoyed it enough, but there was something about holding Anya in her arms that was irreplaceable. And while yeah, Anya was a bit taller than her, Clarke's bed was more than long enough for Anya to stretch out and cuddle up between her legs, head resting on Raven's chest as they bounced dialogue back and forth.

It was a pretty sweet deal, and while the domestic life had never held much appeal to her in the past, there was definite appeal and charm to the idea of having a lot more moments like this with her girlfriend.

"You know, Mako, all those years I spent living in the past...I never really thought about the future..." Raven voiced, giving her best gruff Charlie Hunnam impression as she rubbed gently at Anya's stomach. "...'til now. I never did have very good timing."

Anya tilted her head back and to the side, giving Raven an easy angle to lean down for a kiss, letting her lips linger against Anya's as her girlfriend's fingers ghosted a trail down her cheek. "Very convincing, love."

"Mmmh, well, you know I have many talents." She laughed, the hand on Anya's stomach playfully dipping lower. Not that she'd actually do anything, but it was fun to play around.

"Raven, behave, there are children present!" Anya whispered firmly, giving Raven's hand a light smack and returning it to where it was.

Of course, despite the action on screen, apparently everyone in the room heard Anya, a gleeful laugh blurting out of Clarke, Lexa pulling her face out of her blonde's hair to shoot a frustrated look at the two of them. "Anya, I'm a legal adult."

"Do or do you not consider me a second mother figure?" Anya shot back with a cheeky grin that immediately had Raven's head filling up with jokes and one-liners. Certainly for later, though, when they were alone.

Lexa let out a frustrated sigh. "You know I do." The brunette let out softly, arms wrapping a little tighter around Clarke. It was a sweet enough admission to give anyone a cavity,

"Then Raven will keep her shenanigans to something fit for PG thirteen classification, won't you love?" Anya asked, tilting her head back for another kiss, and even if she had a bit of leverage in the moment, she was a goddamn sucker for the woman in her arms. She couldn't possible deny her, as she brought their lips together again.

"I'll behave then. I mean, these impressionable young women need quality role models." Raven shot back, earning a grin from her girlfriend as Clarke let out a groan.

"Raven, we're the _same age_." Clarke chimed in, and by the look on her friend's face, she knew that proverbial train had already left the station.

"I'm just saying, Anya's a mom, and I've graduated University. We need to set a good example for you kids. Besides, I think I'm entirely capable of, like, being the cool step-mom...are you feeling the connection, Lexa? Because I'm feelin' a connection here." Raven asked playfully, barely able to contain her laughter as Lexa's face twisted into a grimace.

"I'm feeling _something_." Lexa grumbled, ducking her face into Clarke's hair for the time being.

Anya shook with laughter, which was definitely the important part of her antics, but it felt nice that Anya also held a hand over the one Raven had on her stomach, quietly letting her know that she was entirely content with how they were set up. "You're so good with children. Bonding already."

"Well, I was a child once, so I've got some experience, but I like to think I'm young at heart. Makes me hip with the youths." Raven added, holding Anya close as her girlfriend rolled a little onto her side, light airy laughter escaping her that did nothing short of steal her breath.

She'd rarely seen Anya so carefree, and maybe it was a result of all the massively stressful moments across the past day and a bit, but she wasn't about to waste a second of it, doing all she could to put this evening to memory. She'd never get enough of seeing that bright smile, hearing that joyful laughter, feeling an angel of a woman cuddling close in her arms.

As much as she was loving the group session, she couldn't wait until Clarke and Lexa exiled them to the living room, knowing Octavia wouldn't be back for a few more hours. It'd give her plenty of time to be a little more expressive of how Anya made her feel, and after such a turbulent twenty-four hours, she figured it'd be best to be clear about that, even if her mind was still putting the pieces together.

"Mmmn, I'm sure your kinship with 'the youths' runs quite deep, love, I'm proud of you. But shush, they're about to fight the kaiju." Anya noted smoothly as her laughter subsided, the tall blonde giving her hand a squeeze and letting out a happy hum as she settled back in against her.

Raven pressed a kiss to the top of Anya's head and took in the final battle for Earth; as often as she'd seen the film, she could never really get tired of a big mechanical robot punching and slicing up giant monsters. It was just impossible not to get excited about.

Still, all good things come to an end, and the credits were rolling soon enough, letting Raven reach back and turn the bedside light on. "I think that's our cue to wrest control of the larger portion of the condo, angel. Gotta strike while we've got the chance."

"A sound strategy as always, Raven." Anya noted as she stretched out, turning in Raven's arms enough to press a lingering kiss to her shoulder. "Why don't you start the coup? I'll be there to fortify our position in a minute."

Raven laughed as she flipped up the duvet and got out of bed, grabbing up Clarke's portable stereo on a whim. She made her way to the door, but hovered there for a moment as she glanced back at the bed, watching Anya give hugs and forehead kisses to Clarke and Lexa.

Her angel was a bit of a sharp contrast at times, nearly pummeling Abby earlier, and now being a gooey marshmallow of a person with the duo in there. It definitely spoke to the many layers Anya had to her, and Raven wanted to intimately know each and every one.

Deciding to make the most of her brief window, Raven made her way out to the kitchen and set up the stereo on the countertop, releasing the brake on the island and pushing it off to the side, clearing a good amount of space. A half minute later, and she had two tequila sunrises poured out from the bottle she'd stashed away at the back of the fridge earlier. Maybe she needed a hint more courage than she was feeling at the moment.

Raven heard the click of the bedroom door a few seconds after, Anya stepping closer, teary eyes searching for and finding her. "What are you up to?" Anya asked, after wiping at her face, hesitantly making her way into the kitchen.

She held out a drink, Anya taking it and holding it up to her nose for a sniff, giving an approving nod. "Thought we could use something tasty to help unwind after the last day." She answered, brushing away the rest of Anya's tears with her thumb. "Those happy or sad tears, angel?"

Anya let out a heavy sigh and shrugged, taking a small sip. "No idea. Lexa's grown up so fast...and Clarke...I don't like being away from her right now, but I'm happy she's on a date."

"Hey, it's just a few hours, and it's not like they'll be going skydiving. They're gonna cuddle up and watch some sappy movie, probably. You'll get to tease Clarke for crying and make sure Lexa's handling the situation well when ten forty-five rolls around." She said, holding eye contact with Anya, hoping she was at least a little reassuring. Thankfully, Anya cracked a smile, which was better than nothing. "Besides, it gives us a little while to enjoy ourselves."

"Yes, with alcoholic orange juice." Anya shot back, her small smile growing into a grin.

Raven stepped back and connected her phone to Clarke's stereo, going through her menu to find the right playlist, smiling when one of the songs she'd researched started it off. She knew Anya loved the retro stuff, all that cheesy pop, and there'd been a huge swell of new 'synthwave'  musicians that took on that old sound, so she figured she'd put some of the more cheesy, slower tracks she'd found in with ones she knew Anya would love.

"Drinks and dancing." Raven corrected, letting out a laugh at the stunned expression on her girlfriend's face. "What? A nerd like me can't know how to dance?"

Anya shook her head, more to shake off her shock than disagreement, it seemed. "I've just...it's been so long since I danced with anyone who wasn't learning from me, or who I wasn't learning from." Anya clarified, her brow furrowing slightly as she peered past her shoulder. "What is this?"

"It's, uh...well, I figured you might like it? A bunch of people love that kind of music you love, and decided to make new stuff that's a lot like it. I thought maybe you might like it, or something." Raven stumbled out, suddenly losing her cool, knowing music could be a make or break thing, but even small missteps could be embarrassing.

Anya stepped closer, deep into her personal bubble, those deep amber eyes offering the warmth of summer in the dead of winter. "I can't say definitively from such a small sample, but...I approve nonetheless, love." Anya noted lowly, taking a sip of her drink and placing it on the counter behind Raven.

"Yeah?" She asked, earning an immediate laugh as Anya pressed up against her, choking off her follow-up in her throat as Anya's nose grazed a path down hers.

"I'm not usually a fan of surprises, but you constantly find ways to make me smile." Anya murmured, the sheer proximity stealing Raven's breath and forcing her eyelids shut in anticipation.

She almost expected Anya to tease her and walk away, but then those soft lips were pillowing her top lip, Anya's hand quickly knitting in her hair and pulling her close as she tasted Raven. Her heart-rate spiked as she wrapped her arms around Anya, holding on for dear life as she tried to keep up, Anya constantly changing angles, alternating between languid whirlwinds and brief fluttering pecks.

By the time Anya pulled away, an amused sparkle in her soft eyes, Raven's heart was as full and strengthened as her lungs were empty and straining. Maybe it was a little embarrassing to gasp and suck in some heavy breaths after a brief make-out session, but damn.

Anya lifted a thumb to Raven's face and wiped at where her lipstick probably smeared. "Remember to breathe, love. As much as kissing you into consciousness is an appealing concept, I don't want you to faint on me."

"Sorry, it's just..." Raven started, taking another breath to try and stabilize enough to speak clearly, if not with much calm. "It's just you taste so sweet it kinda hurts a little from the sugar rush."

Anya let out a disbelieving laugh as she moved to turn away and out of Raven's arms, but she held her girlfriend close. "You're just fishing, now. Or tasting that orange juice."

"No way, Anya. You're my angel...I happily take the fire and brimstone along with the sweet fluffy goodness. I love everything you throw my way." She corrected, knowing Anya usually melted at the term of endearment, but her girlfriend just went tense as she spoke instead. Raven leaned her head to catch Anya's freshly averted gaze. "Hey, look, if this is about the l-word..."

"I attacked Clarke's mother today. I...I couldn't protect Clarke, either. I'm not good. I'm not sweet." Anya let out, all hesitant and saturated with self-flagellation. Honestly, she couldn't be tremendously surprised, given Anya's personality and what she knew of her history.

Raven let go of her girlfriend, her heart nearly splitting in half at how Anya's face fell at the loss of contact. Even if it was a split second, it was long enough for Raven to know she was making the right call, lifting Anya up by her thighs and spinning her around to set her on the counter.

"Listen to the song, angel. Even bad girls know good love. But you're not bad...you've got a protective streak that can take a turn into vengeance pretty damn quickly, but your laugh also lights up my world, your kisses are the sweetest experience I've ever had, and you have the kindest biggest damn heart I've known." Raven asserted, lifting Anya's chin with a finger, forcing those doubt-filled amber eyes to meet her own. "So you're tough. So you're intimidating. So you can be a little violent. Who cares? You never do anything without good reason."

"The road to hell is paved with good intentions, Raven." Anya muttered, completely missing her point.

"Well, I'll drive my Torino down that road, pick you up, and drive you back to good if you need it. But you _don't_. I guaran-fucking-tee Clarke would have fallen apart without you there with her in front of her mom. You've been her rock for a bit, but it's not your job to take responsibility for everyone all the time. She's not your kid, Anya, you're her best friend. And she has other friends who can share that weight, family that can share it. I know she feels safe around you. And I know _I_ feel safe with you, my sweet, _good_ girl." Raven ranted, maybe losing her calm a little somewhere in there, but she needed her girlfriend to understand, and to stop beating herself up so much.

Anya's head dipped forward, lithe hand reaching out and playing a little with the collar of her top. "You really believe that?"

Raven pressed her fingertips to the bottom of Anya's jaw, tilting her head to where she could lean up and bring her girlfriend into a kiss, needing some more sweetness from Anya first before she spoke again.

"I'll believe enough for the both of us for now if I have to, but I swear, angel...you're amazing. I'm falling hard for you, and a big part of that is your ridiculous capacity for love." She added, pressing a quick chaste kiss to her lips before stepping away. "But I gotta say, I'm pretty sure I'd be done for if you could show me some dancing skills."

Anya predictably rolled her eyes even as her lips bloomed into a bright smile. "If I'm to be merciful as an angel, does that mean going in for the kill here, or letting you off light?"

" _Finish her_..." Raven mimicked the Mortal Kombat announcer, drawing another beautifully airy laugh from Anya, who got off the counter and took a long gulp of her drink.

"As you wish, love..."

* * *

 

The notion of missed opportunities were something Clarke had been a little stuck on ever since her father passed and changed her life drastically. Most days since that turning point, she'd entertained at least a few thoughts each day about what could have been, what ought to have been, what connections she'd lost out on.

It often made Clarke feel like she was on a knife's edge, impulse on one side and patience on the other, constantly pushing her to re-evaluate her goals and decisions whenever she found herself in a situation with a lot of potential.

Maybe that was why she'd chosen Before Sunset, of all films, as their last movie of the night. The series exhibited a certain grace, with the original film showing two strangers making a passionate one-night connection, only for the sequel to show them nine years later, weary and less trustful, less hopeful. Sure, she'd watched before Sunset a dozen times, knowing at the end, there's a glimmer of hope that they decide to try and make it work and recapture that flame from the embers that were left, but Clarke felt that both likely would have been better off if they'd remained, if they'd tried to find a way to make it work from them start instead of leaving Vienna to be a single-night affair.

She wasn't usually one to take pages from films to use in her daily life, but it allowed her a certain patience, not wanting to let time go to waste, knowing it was never a very reliable thing to have. Despite her impulsive nature, she fought for patience, knowing she and Lexa had a spark, a connection, and that if would have to be nurtured if she wanted anything to come of it. It wasn't often she came across people she clicked with romantically, so there really wasn't a reason to let go, hoping she could work with Lexa to get to where they could be together.

Tonight had been a step in that direction, and with Lexa holding her the same way she'd held Lexa last time around, Clarke couldn't help but think there was a quiet sort of progress in that.

She could tell whenever Lexa would get nervous, or when some troubling thought would cross her mind; like last time, she'd go tense, and with Clarke in her arms, she'd feel it. Which also gave her opportunities to offer some feedback, like rubbing a hand over the knit pair around her waist, or bring a hand back to comb through Lexa's hair.

"I don't know whether to be sad or happy for them." Lexa mused, propping her chin on Clarke's shoulder. "Like, they're slowly rekindling whatever they had, but...he has to leave soon. What's the point?"

"What if he doesn't go?" Clarke asked, drawing a confused hum from her date. "In the first movie, they accepted the idea that they'd have to leave each other and go their separate ways, that it could pretty much just be two strangers passing in the night. And look what happened. Now it's nine years later, and he's got a plane to catch, and a more complicated life to get back to, same with her. But do they have to accept that's how it has to be?"

Lexa's head dipped down, after a few seconds, soft lips pressing idly against the back ridge of her shoulder. "They could stay together anyways."

"They could, maybe. They can't rewrite history, but they don't have to accept the paths they're on. It might be more complicated than when they were younger, but they can start something new. Find out if they'd fit. Hold onto their connection and refuse to let go until they've given themselves a fair shot." Clarke continued, feeling a little sheepish at maybe projecting the tiniest amount, if only just with that last bit.

"And...what if she needs a little more time than he does?" Lexa asked, soft words washing across the expanse of her neck.

Clarke hoped that was Lexa doing a little projecting of her own, but even if it wasn't the case, the answer was simple. "Then he waits for her. He knows he wanted to be with her back then, and he does now, and he'll wait until she's ready. They have all the time they need to figure it out together. To see if she's ready to love again."

"I think it'd be nice if they did." Lexa noted, taking a deep breath and slowly exhaling through her nose as she settled her chin back against Clarke's shoulder. "I'm not usually one for hetero stuff, but still. I'm rooting for them."

Clarke carefully pulled one of Lexa's hands away from her waist and brought it up to her face, pressing a kiss to her wrist, her palm, and her knuckles. "I think they'll make it." She added, putting the soft hand back where it was, waiting for her date to knit both hands together again before sinking back a bit more into Lexa. "You're really comfy."

"Oh, um. Well...I'm glad you think so." Lexa responded, nuzzling her cheek against her neck and sending a wave of warmth and affection through her body. Clarke watched the screen fade to black as the credits rolled, but Lexa didn't seem to notice or care, so neither did she.

" _Know_ so." Clarke corrected, slowly and carefully angling her head a bit to the side to expose more of her neck while minimizing her pain. "I'm sorry our first date wasn't too exciting. I promise I'll find something more interesting in the future."

Lexa's nose trailed a slow path up her neck, hot puffs of breath wafting again her nape. "Life can be hectic and complicated as it is. I...I like how peaceful it is whenever I'm around you. I like how safe you make me feel. Tonight has been wonderful, Clarke."

Hearing she helped Lexa feel safe made the whole night entirely worth it if it wasn't already, thrilled to know she and Lexa were clearly getting closer, that it took strength for Lexa to admit that. "Well, when my neck heals up enough, maybe we can watch some horror movies? Or maybe I could give you a massage after a game, and order in?"

For a moment, Lexa seemed to still behind her, that physical stillness thankfully lacking tension. T was almost concerning, but then Lexa just re-worked her grip and carefully tangled their legs, wrapping Clarke up more snugly. "Maybe...both?"

"Oooh, ambitious. But yeah, that sounds like a good time to me." Clarke answered with a happy grin, feeling excited about the fact that Lexa felt comfortable and confident enough to commit to another date. "I know we'll eventually get the call to go head to head against Raven and Anya on trivia night, but I figure we can wait until we get a few dates under our belt before we go all double-date, right?"

Clarke felt Lexa nod against her shoulder. "Agreed. Not to mention, we'll need to study up for that so we don't get embarrassed."

"Oh ye of little fai..."

The impact of her door slamming open against the wall had words catching in her throat as Octavia marched into the bedroom with a teasing smile. "Alright assbutts, it's past curfew, time to clean up and hit the fucking hay."

Clarke rolled her eyes, but before she knew it, Lexa was pulled up and off the bed, and Raven was carefully getting her to her feet as well. Raven, who definitely smelled like she'd gotten into some alcohol, which had Clarke feeling a little curious.

Lexa and Octavia apparently washed up as a set, though made quick work of the ensuite, letting Clarke and Raven slip in not long after.

She's just finished brushing her teeth when a thought crossed her admittedly tired mind. "So you're drunk." Clarke noted, drawing an easy nod from her friend. "Did you get Anya drunk, too?"

Raven smiled, laughter bubbling up and out of her throat. "Ab-so-lutely."

Clarke bit back her own laughter, even if she knew she'd probably have an amusing encounter with Anya once she left the ensuite. "She's a lot more candid drunk."

"You can say that again." Raven laughed, a subtle blush tinting at her cheeks. "She's excited to see you again. You should prob'ly just tell her you love her and, like positive stuff."

She nodded, knowing that Anya was hard-headed, and despite her repeated efforts, hadn't managed to convince her best friend that she wasn't at fault for everything.  "Sounds good. You two have a good night otherwise?"

Raven grinned like she'd won a damn prize. "She kissed me. We danced. Kinda told her I love her, and it went over decently, all things considered."

"Well, I'm proud of you. I'm glad you two make each other happy." Clarke said as she finished a brief skincare regimen. "Do you want to stay here and help Anya clean up, or should I?"

"Nah, I already helped her out in the kitchen. She didn't want to 'impose' or whatever. I don't understand, but her adorable ass is ready for bed, anyways." Raven countered, leaving Clarke wondering exactly what Anya was getting up to in the bedroom.

She didn't have to wait long, Raven finishing up shortly, the both of them opening the door enough to peek out.

Anya, it seemed was trying to braid Lexa's hair, though her head was dipping forward and jolting back, the older woman clearly fighting sleep. Raven let out this utterly soft, happy sigh at the sight; her and Anya were too adorable for their own good sometimes.

She made her way out of the ensuite, immediately gathering the attention of the remaining trio.

"So I call dibs on the side of the bed farthest from the window." Octavia piped up immediately, confusing her a little, having thought her roommate would have taken the much roomier couch, since it pulled out to a bed of its own.

"And I gotta get some sunlight in the morning, so Anya and I are claiming the side by the window. You and Lexa can take the middle, Clarkey." Raven added, quickly rounding the bed and slipping under the covers.

She shook her head, knowing her bed would be a little crowded with three side by side. Five? That would be mayhem. Still, she appreciated her friends all wanting to be here for her, so she carefully crawled her way from the foot of the bed to the head, carving herself out a spot in the middle beside Lexa.

Immediately, Lexa turned on her side to face her, and Anya's arms wrapped around her waist. "Clarke...Clarke I need to tell you...I need to..." Anya started, words coming slow and deliberate, as if Anya needed to focus really hard not to slur her words or keep track of what she wanted to say.

"Shhh, babe. It's late and you've had a long day." Clarke let out, earning an immediate huff against her shoulder as Anya squeezed her tighter. "I love you so much, okay? You can tell me in the morning, you know I need my rest."

"You...you're incredibly right. Are your pillows alright? Are they too soft?" Anya asked as she felt Raven gently pull her best friend away. "Raven, what if her pillows are too soft?"

"My pillows are perfect, Anya. Don't worry, I'm cozy and safe, okay?" Clarke added, reaching  out to run a  hand through her best friend's hair in hopes of reassuring her.

"Okaaay, as long as you're sure." Anya let out after a lengthy yawn. "Love you, little one. Love you, Clarke."

"Love you, Anya." Clarke and Lexa chimed in at the same time.

"Sweet dreams, Octavia." Anya continued, voice getting muffled as she curled up atop Raven.

Octavia, of course, just chuckled. "You too, mama bear."

If the room wasn't so quiet, even with Lexa gently bringing a leg across Clarke's, entwining their bodies as much as they could with Clarke on her back, she might not have heard the soft words a few inches away.

"Love you, Raven."

Clarke knew Raven was much too discreet to not whisper her response into Anya's ear, but her heart jumped for joy in her chest at the uncensored admission, ecstatic that her best friend and beloved teammate had found love together. It gave her hope that with Octavia finding love, and Raven, that maybe she would end up in a similar place with Lexa.

It was a very pleasant thought.

A hand gently massaging at her neck reminded Clarke of a few words said earlier that evening, the massaging soon followed by another hand gently tilting her to face her nearest bedmate, Lexa's eyes shining with hope in the dark.

Clarke smiled and pushed past any pain as she leaned closer, meeting Lexa halfway into a soft, simple kiss. Nothing like what they'd shared last time, but this one felt pure, right, like it was the start of something instead of a farewell wrapped up in unspoken desires.

"Goodnight, Lexa." She murmured, smiling against the brunette's lips, offering a parting pack before she pulled away.

"Goodnight, Clarke." Lexa whispered in turn, settling her pretty head onto Clarke's collarbone and wrapping her leg tightly across her thighs.

Sleeping on her back was always a little annoying and difficult, but with so many friends nearby, and with a warm and comfy Lexa curled up with her, Clarke was out like a light in seconds, her last thought being what kind of experience waking up might be like with the five of them.

Time would tell soon enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I hoped to get this out earlier, but I decided to fill out some of the sections with fluff because I can, and I wanted to. I hope you all enjoyed it!


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